[ifonly]

Don’t know how to begin never spoke about it before. Been married for 20yrs we were soul mates 3 kids we had a good life.he took cocaine in front of me when I noticed a problem brought it up we fell out he stopped couple months he had some whilst we were out then it became his secret he couldn’t wait to go up to bed early long before me if hear him putting lines out. This is it every night sleep all day while I go to work me son waking him after school this carried on for a year I bring it up he manipulates me in the one with issues so it carries on. He’s gone awol about to report him missing he rings in pieces he has psychosis he woke up on the floor of a barn doesn’t remember. He sinks into depression tries to end it. We pull together our kids teenagers they understand. While he gets treatment for depression.I get the threats the dealers he owes thousands I was clueless I ask him he hides leaving it to me I pay it I’m in debt.things get better over next few months then I get suspicious get screamed at again it’s me not right in me head that’s living with a manipulator. Truth is he’s back on it again and again this man was my everything my protector now he hides under his covers and leave me to face everything he knows I can’t leave in debt and no renting history because of him can’t make him leave house was signed to his parents. Learnt hard way I will always be 2nd best.

[thistim3]

This morning I’m reading all your posts as I seem to struggle more in the morning.  Your posts are heartbreaking. So, sad what you and your children have had to endure. And, also your husband who has been taken over by cocaine. The cocaine is the bad guy. It truly is a horror story. The day to day of scary moments. I remember it and it still terrifies me, maybe because it can all come undone again in an instant. If he has a weak moment and decides to use it again.  But, he hasn’t. This is the time for New Year’s resolutions.  For me, I want to be in a better place mentally with this.  I have taken a difficult look at myself for how I’ve dealt with his addiction through the years. I tried so hard to protect myself and our kids. I didn’t know what was wrong and thought he would eventually just tell me all those years ago. He was so awful, the bad moods and verbal abuse.  The lonely and isolated feelings. And, protecting myself involved me pushing it all down and forcing myself to forget it all. Strange how the mind works. He quit the coke and I left the horrific memories behind and we found happiness again. Seems like a great plan, until it all just slams back at you unexpectedly. Now struggling so much from the memories and the what ifs. Somewhere along the way I apparently decided that I couldn’t live with the fear of it all, so I just wouldn’t and didn’t. Why can’t I just pack it all up again and put it away. I did that for years and I’ve been happy and I felt safe.  I have all the reasons to be happy and feel safe. What do I need? I am struggling with this answer daily.  I hope and pray that you and your family will also find your way to happiness and safety.

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