[hw12]

Hi everyone. Im hoping someone will be able to offer me some advice.

My partner has been clean from cocaine for 12 weeks for the first time in 16 years. I test him at home.

He has just got back from staying with a friend and his family for 3 days for work. I decided to test him yesterday which he has never had a problem with. There were 3 positive tests for cocaine and he got really upset saying there must be some other reason.

I daren’t believe him because he had lied to me regarding drugs in the past.

But is there a reason the tests could be wrong?

[kel1]

There is no other reason, especially if you did the test three times? I work with drug tests every day all day and I’ve heard it all before. They cannot touch a drug and then test positive, they can’t be laced or any other excuse because they measure the quantity and there has to be enough in the system to measure, so it would mean more than traces consumed.

Interesting if the test was inconclusive, which could imply something iffy with the test but it was positive which indicates he has used drugs in whatever came back pos.

Maybe his upset is guilt. Sorry

[kklost]

Poor you. Must have been so upsetting and disappointing!

My hubby is on week 11-12 too. I’d be gutted if he failed the test.

Fail is a fail, I wouldn’t believe any lies that were told to me. If you do then he knows the boundaries are breakable and you won’t do anything about it.

I’m really sorry for you.

[icarus-trust]

Thanks for posting. I’m sorry that you are going through this difficult time.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that offers support to people dealing with a partner’s addiction. If you’d like to contact us I can put you in touch with one of our trained and experienced people who you could talk with.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

All the best.

[hw12]

Thank you everyone. I posted this last week.

This week after the weekend, i tested him again.

There were 2 positive tests, then i did one straight after (i dont use any drugs at all) and mine was obviously negative.

Im not sure where to go from here.

He swears its the tests. And was quite angry and upset saying why would i volunteer to do them if i had used etc.

He said he was going to go and buy more tests, and didnt come back with any. And it all seems swept under the carpet now and i have no answers. I cant believe what he says because hes told too many lies to cover it up in the past.

Thanks for all your advice every one, it really helps talking to people who understand.

[dot]

Hey everyone sorry I’ve been inactive I lost my phone etc…

Sorry to hear he’s relapsed… you went through alot I remember you posting on my post. Well straight back to basics again stamp the law down before it gets out of hand.

[hw12]

Hi dot, I remember you as well.

I havent been on here in a while, you were doing amazing last time i was on here so i hope you are well.

He’s still adamant these tests aren’t right, but im in no position to believe anything he says right now.

Hes done over 12 weeks clean until these recent tests, hes having counselling 3 times a week and doing well. I just wish if he has relapsed he deals with it before it spirals

[ash2013]

Oh HW, my heart sank when I read your message.

In my experience, they will lie and lie unless you saw him do a line he won’t admit it. There has to be another reason yada yada.

The tests were negative, then he goes away, your gut tells you something (which is probably right) to want to test him, and he fails… no surprise there. We always JUST know.

I have no advice really other than leave it a week and test him again, you’ll know then whether it’s a blip or it’s started again.

Sending love x

[ash2013]

‘ He swears its the tests. And was quite angry and upset saying why would i volunteer to do them if i had used etc.’

Well if he hadn’t agreed to it then you’d have also the same conclusion right?

I’ve been here with my husband in the past xx

[dot]

Go with your gut! He has used so great him like he has used and he needs to come clean about it and not lie because it makes it worse. Tell him if he admits it you will get through it but you need his complete honesty.

I’m at day 105 myself and not tempted in the slightest. I made my choice and my lifestyle good.

You need to bring this to am abrupt end before it spirals and it will do because he will think he can lie and you will believe him. Stop it before it starts

[hw12]

Thank you for replying. You are right.

I ignored my gut before and i swore to myself i would never ignore my instincts again.

He had the opportunity to get more tests the morning after to prove to me but he made a half arsed effort and never produced any. If that was me, and i knew i wasnt lying i would be making sure i was going to prove myself right! Think hes lying to himself to be honest. Im gutted because how much can one person take, i love him but it makes me question what im even getting from the relationship any more.

[dot]

You are welcome I always pop on here from time to time as it helped me stop. Seeing people’s story’s and relating to actions that I have done myself in the past and telling myself I will never put anyone through that again!

If you need any advice just post and I’ll reply when I can

[hw12]

Thank you dot.

I think iv just hit a low point i felt like we were really getting somewhere and now it feels like we are back to square one. Its so frustrating because the reason i don’t believe him is because of his lies and its just going round in a circle.

[kklost]

That must be so upsetting for you. Especially when you are trying for them and trying to get him clean. But he has to do it, it has to come from him.

How many chances in your own mind are you willing to give? That’s important to have your own boundaries think!

[hw12]

Hi Kkkost,

Thank you, i think thats the problem im having at the moment. I dont know how much more i can give, im already going through counselling from everything that’s happened as a result of the addiction, the lies and deceit are something im still struggling to deal with and it just seems its one hurdle after another. I l know this has to come from him. He’s adamant that the tests arent right and hes not touched anything, but how am I supposed to believe that. I wont get sucked back into it all again, at the start of this around xmas when i found out he was using £100 a day i had completely lost who i was i was so low. I wont risk going back there

[kklost]

What does your counsellor say?

I think for me. I was a never again person, once I found this out i was honestly horrified and shocked. Now we are further down the line, I think my husband always knew I would take the hard line and mean it.

I’m glad he didn’t push me into having to prove it, but I know deep down I would have be done if he failed even one.

Putting myself in your shoes and now being in your situation this is what I would do.

I would have the people who you have told (I have a small group of 4 people I have confided in) take the test infront of him. Then I would make him take it. Bingo answers there.

It makes me sad he thinks you are stupid enough to believe the test is wrong. That is so disrespectful to you. You know they aren’t wrong, but it’s easier to play along with him.

This is what you must decide… when is enough enough. For me it was black and white, from that first time I found out he was taking drugs, it was never ever an option to ever take them again and have me/our sons. Now I’m further down the line that is even more important! It’s cocaine or us. No one has both.

[hw12]

I completely agree with you. When i found out about his addiction i threw him out of my home, it was the hardest thing i have ever done. He hit absolute rock bottom he was sleeping in an abandoned car.

I knew i had to let him, he needed to know i wouldnt stand for this. It killed me.

But it worked.

Until now. I dont know how much i can take, i feel a fool to myself if i keep giving him any more chances. I cant let his problems drag me down anymore than they already have. It so sad really x

[hw12]

Can anyone recommend tests for cocaine please. The ones i got are off ebay and are urine tests called one step. Thank you in advance

[dot]

Just do the ultimate test. On Amazon there is hair strand tests for 45 pound. Goes back 90 days

[hw12]

Thank you dot.

My suspisions are growing, i drove up to see him Saturday afternoon as my daughter made him a gift and he was in bed at 230pm. He got up yesterday at 1pm went straight back to bed and i havent heard a thing from him. He was also grumpy and snappy saying he felt unwell. Feels like dejavu!

[dot]

Well you know what to do! It sounds like its started already and has in a cycle. You’ve done it before do it again…

[hw12]

Thank you dot. I think writing on here just confirms things in my own head. Im going to trust my judgement, because something is off. And if id done that before i would have been right all along. Thanks for listening to me

[dot]

Goodluck with it. Here for you if you need any advice I don’t mind at all.

Always go with instinct. Don’t be made to feel like it’s your fault that’s an addicts easiest way out reversing the blame

[dot]

How are things going??? hope you have managed to get a solution

[Author]

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