[lost4words]

Hi, my partner of over 8 years left me and our 3 yr old nearly 3 months ago and immediately moved on to another women who is everything he’s always said he doesn’t like in women. He admitted 6 months ago that he has been using coke for 5 and a half years since his mum became ill and died. For the past 2 years he’s constantly on the toilet furthest away and starting drinking his nose always running and wakes up with orange stuff across his face. Even when I asked him previously before his admission he would scream and shout at me likes I was deluded. He was such a kind and caring person and still acted like he adored me right up until the day he left. He told me he doesn’t want to be with me but gives me mixed signals when we see each other. I know the right thing to do is walk away but how do you give up on someone you love and know is a completely different person to who he once was. Our son adores him but he only sees him 2 hours a week it’s pointkess but I would never stop him from seeing him but he’s not really playing a part in his life I feel he’s only spending that little time with him to prove he’s there in his life but I’ll never understand how that enough or why coke means more than people who love and care for you.

[ash2013]

Hi Lost4words,

I would probably hazard a guess that the ‘not high’ partner you know and care for still loves you, but the ‘high’ partner loves someone else. There isnt a lot you can do about it though, and nothing, not even your son, is enough to keep him.

He might wake up one day and realise that he’s lost the best thing thats ever happened to him, but you shouldn’t put your own life on hold waiting for that time to come, if it ever does. Probably while he’s still using it won’t, and at a guess his new woman probably uses too.

Its painful to see, its gut wrenching, I get that. But honestly, keep doing what you are doing, find happiness, let him see his son when he wants to and as long as you know he’s not high when doing so.

It’s not your problem to solve, and you wont solve it, it will tear your heart out over and over again.

Sending love

[lost4words]

I think I’ve replied to myself above

[lost4words]

Thank you jules1980

He’s ripped my heart to pieces his new GF stays she doesn’t agree with coke and she’s never seen him “off his head”and he told her he was single a while when it was less than a week!! He his it well for over 5 years. I really believe he left because he can’t hide it anymore. He’s slowly stopped seeing mutual friends unless drinking is involved. He used to go out and come home next day and say “I don’t know why I’m like this all I need is you” but do it again within a couple of weeks. I knew deep down he was using before he admitted it but when confronted always denied it until he couldn’t anymore. I spoke to him last week he said he’s only had it once on a night out since he left and we kissed twice, but told he the other women I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away. Now I spoke to her he won’t speak to me and sent a message telling me he doesn’t want to get back together. I know there’s nothing I can do to make him see what he’s thrown away. We bought a house when I was pregnant but he convinced me because I was on maternity leave to put it in his name. Stupid me now he’s telling me I will have to leave eventually. I despise the person he has become but can’t let go of who he once was as he makes an appearance occasionally. He reckons he started using on nights out then every weekend, I believe he was using midweek too though as he used to go to bed by 10pm before but started staying up till 2-3am drinking cans and falling asleep on sofa. I know I’ve lost him and I have to accept it, but it’s hard to let go

[b8988]

Just have faith that you won’t care very soon. Read my posts. Such a long story.

My husband ( long history with hidden coke addiction) same as your husband and nearly everyone’s husband, act pretty much same way. They mess your head up, get you thinking it’s you. It’s not, you need to drum it into yourself it’s not.

Like they need to get clean, we also need to.

First read up about co dependency, go to al anon or another 12 step support programme. You will start to become more level headed, you will start to see all the madness for what it is. You won’t be able to do this until you get well. We are sick like them, they’ve made us sick!

Cut all contact. I mean all contact. Don’t let him see his son until he can prove he’s clean, tell him to go through the courts. ( they won’t) addicts haven’t got motivation to do anything but score more drugs.

This is the tough one. Accept your marriage is over, Stop seeing the man he was and start writing lists of all the things he’s become, all the awful things he’s done to you. You need to see him as someone new, someone evil! I don’t find it easy thinking of them as sick ( which they are, but it keeps us locked in) because we still have empathy despite everything.

My husband left me and our kids last Thursday, claimed he didn’t think he wanted it anymore, basically has binged since then and now I’ve cut all contact, let’s just say he’s not being very nice.

Suicide threats, threats to disclose secrets about me, threats to turn up at my house.

I can’t live like it anymore but I’m starting to feel stronger and after crying and really trying to let it go and see it for what it is now, I actually feel a little empowered.

Keep strong. Someone told me if you really love the person deep down, let him go because I’m keeping him sick for longer and that hit home hard!

Until he chooses another path you can’t do anything. But you can look after yourself and I promise eventually you’ll feel better but you have to try to change too. You can’t expect them to quit drugs if we can’t quit them, if that makes sense?

Xx

[lost4words]

That’s the worst part, I did cut contact for a month and I felt so much better but if I’m honest I had hope then that he was genuinely trying to find himself again. It was when we I let him back in that he got back in my head. He kept denying the other women saying he’s not with her in that way and it’s too soon for us to try and made me feel that in time we would be ok. He’s not at the point where he users everyday and maybe cuts it out for days/weeks, he still functions as in goes to work he bought the company he works for in April. He really was depressed and says he left because we don’t work and the relationship was toxic. My response was yes I agree but the toxins you put in your body have to come out somewhere. I know I can’t help him and he needs to see what he has done. I’m really am going to focus and myself and my son and cut him out again. He’s not a bad person but he is no longer the person I fell in love with. I despise coke and what it has done to him I’ve never done it and will never understand why people would want too.

Thank you

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