[boo]

My husband is a cocaine addict and is also abusive but not physically. It is mainly verbal aggression, name-calling and put downs. Whilst we have relationship issues (not related) going back many years (been together almost two decades), he cannot see that the coke makes it worse i.e. exacerbates the anger, makes him irrational and volatile. Does anyone else have a similar experience? Thank you.

[debc]

Hi Boo

Welcome to the Forum where you will meet many people in a similar situation.

Cocaine is an evil drug that makes the user equally horrible and it’s hell to live with. I think they are aggressive because they are guilty and take it out on the ones closest to them, which is hard for us, the name calling is vile.

My Son is an addict alcohol and cocaine, and has been for about 12 years, he does try and get clean and sober but I don’t think he tries hard enough, gives up too easily. He says I don’t understand, which of course I don’t. They have to want to give up and get in the road to recovery, it has to come from them.

Has your husband said that he wants to give up? There are lots of on line meetings that they can do on Zoom, and some face to face meetings were open, depending on area.

Take care of yourself first, and keep in touch on here where you can chat freely and not be judged and it helps to rant too.

Take care.

Dx

[zoeg]

Hi there Boo

I can relate to this.

My partner of 7 mths has never hidden his coke use from me (really should’ve walked away early on) and has said some really nasty things to me when he’s been either high or on a come down the day after – to be fair he’s worse on the come down.

I’ve had a few long-term relationships but NEVER experienced anything like this before. He’s been taking coke for 20 yrs (he’s 40) so not sure if he’ll ever stop to be fair.

[boo]

Thank you so much for your responses.

Debc, I’m sorry to hear your son is an addict and abusive. You must worry about him so much. I feel that life is a kind of living hell with an addict. There are the rare good days which give you a glimmer of hope. Most days are bad though. I wake up dreading what kind of mood he’s going to be in.

My husband knows he needs to sort it out but hasn’t made an effort to (as far as I know, I’m too afraid to ask him). I think he does coke most days and he also drinks every night too which can’t help.

I’ve come to realise that things will not improve and feel despair. I love him so much but I can’t take any more. He cannot think rationally and is very volatile and paranoid making conversations extremely difficult.

ZoeG, I’m sorry your partner is so horrible to you. It’s hard when you care for them to walk away. I can’t believe the things my husband says to me. It’s true what you say, it’s like a completely different level of nastiness.

Sending you both strength x

[econrathe]

My partner and I have been together for 11 years all of which he has been doing coke.  As addiction is progressive it has got worse and worse.  He is drunk and high most days and the verbal abuse is off the scale.   He is also a bully and manipulative.

We had another huge row in the street yesterday.  2 people stopped me to check I was OK. He walked out and hasn’t come back.

He is a monster

[peachess3029]

My partner has just been arrested for violence on myself in front of my 2 year. Looking at prison time. He has been a user for about a year now and the paranoia has been so intense.

does any one have any tips for me to stay strong and see him as the person he is now and not his former self. For the sake of me and my kids. Currently missing him but my brain says stay the hell away from him.

[Lozzy80]

Hi peaches

 

So sorry to hear  you are also suffering the consequences ????

It’s so hard to keep our resolve. My husband has broken my boundaries multiple times, each time I try and stand firm, he will find a way to manipulate me and I’m black, and the hell returns. whilst he isn’t violent he’s very emotionally and financially abusive and the chaos n stress is now at a level I fear will kill me…

It’s the emotional manipulation you have to try and resist… Women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline might be able to help /sign post u to local services if  you are in UK. I’ve come to realise after 5 yrs if this now I need outside help, it’s so hard to do this alone

 

Wishing you strength , and hope you find safety , peace and positive wellbeing xx

 

[boo]

Hi econrathe, peaches and lozzy.  I’m so sorry to hear you’re in similar situations.  Thank you lozzy for the well wishes and suggestions.

I wanted to update you that l’ve finally left my abuser.  It wasn’t easy and I was so afraid (still am of him) but I no longer live in daily fear.  Before I was able to leave, there were a couple of things that helped me to get to this stage.

First I was able to confide in a few trusted friends.  They made me realise how awful and unacceptable my ex’s behaviour was.  I also contacted a domestic abuse helpline.  I can’t remember which one but I was then referred to a local organisation and I was able to attend an in-person support group.  At the same time I read a book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That (free PDF available online).  That made me realise that it didn’t matter if my ex ever managed to give up drugs/drink, the abuse was never going to stop.  It’s about who they are and it is ingrained in their values.

Life still isn’t easy as we have to co-parent.  The abuse continues in a different form and I think he still does coke as he accuses me of all sorts but with no basis.  But life is better now.  My home is safe at last.

I wanted to say, please don’t give up and reach out for help.  It can feel hopeless but everything I did was a tiny step towards acceptance that the situation wasn’t going to change and a slow realisation that I had to leave.

You can do it I promise x

[Author]

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