[popples]

Hi its my first time on here. I have just discovered after eight months with my partner that he has a coccaine addiction. We have split up for over a month now as he continually had no money after being paid and there was often an elaborate excuse. We had no contact for a month although he did try and message me. We spoke last week and he has said he wants to come off it and has booked appointments for counselling and to go to our local drugs advisory service. He says he associates having money in his pocket as drug money so as soon as he gets paid he struggles to buy anything other than drugs. He says his binge is once a month…but Im not sure if Im being naive to trust this. His family enable him, by giving him money, looking after him. I always cooked although he never asked me for money. I know nothing about this drug only that it is highly addictive and my main concern is buying bought back in to a web of lies whilst he continues to use. I have a young daughter, we have never lived together and Ive told him Im not getting back into a relationship with him unless he sorts himself out. Just wondered if anyone has any thoughts, opinions about the drug and how best to handle the situation.

[b8988]

Haha hi, I suggest you read some of our posts on here over the last few weeks.

If you aren’t madly in love with him, I’d run like the wind!

My husband was fab for 13 years before he touched a drug, then tried coke and my and his life is now a living nightmare. The difference between coke and say heroin etc. Is it is a sneaky addiction, often addicts function well and to the outside they’d never assume someone is an addict. Try living with one though and you’ll soon know.

My husband would use in our home, despite massive arguments and him swearing on our kids lives he wouldnt, hadn’t, he’d use when he was in charge of looking after them, driving the car with our children inside. The mood swings are the worst, my husband hid his addiction from me, I thought he was bi polar, one minute they are kind of normal, the next you’ll be accused of all sorts, if they can’t find anything on you they’ll make stuff up, my husband called me a slut because I’d slept with other men before I’d met him. Never a problem in the whole of our relationship, but suddenly it was! Thats because he felt low about what he was doing and needed to deflect the attention away from his drug use!

He used to be a fab dad, then he became withdrawn, he’d want to stay in bed in the mornings and never want to go anywhere with us, if he did it was obvious he didn’t want to be there. They lose interest in everything and everyone apart from cocaine! They will have no empathy for anything they do to you, you could cry and cry in front of them and no compassion will be shown, you’ll be told to get a grip!

You’ll see all this for yourself if you agree to stay with him and he doesn’t get help. See they agree they want help, they go for a few weeks, then the excuses will start and they will convince you that they don’t need to go anymore, that even if they were offered it on a plate, they’d refuse it, as it’s different this time, but it never is.

You’ll become crazy, your identity will fade away, the drug not only consumes the person who takes it, but it will take you down with it too. You’ll obsess whether he’s used or hasn’t used, whether he’s lying or not. You’ll question everything and everyone. You’ll believe all the stupid stories he will make up, he will go to great lengths to prove to you that he’s telling the truth, you’ll question yourself as he will make you believe you’re going mad! But he won’t be telling the truth, not now not ever!

Coke is the most horrible drug, it will turn the warmest of hearts into ones of stone.

[jasongordley40]

You sound similar to what I’ve gone through for the past 6 yrs w my husband! My husband would tell me that he only started using again because things were bad between us- HE AWLAYS BLAMES SOMEONE ELSE! I ALWAYS HAD TO CATCH HIM BEFOEE HED EVER TELL ME THE TRUTH! I lost it when he brought it into the house where our children live!!!

I cannot live life like this always questioning its driving me insane! I have to end this otherwise my kids will grow up around an addict! I believe it’s better to walk away and have him deal with the poor choices than to continue to help him for the 1,000 time. I’m choosing to have a better life for my children than to allow him to think he can drive them around in the car high on cocaine (which I had to catch him literally with a spy camera) to even get him to admit he messed up! He was caught on a tiny camera I placed in the car showing him snorting cocaine multiple times while my kid was strapped in car seat in the back. You can hear our kid say”daddy what are you doing”? It’s so sad it breaks my heart but I cannot have this. I need to take a stronger stance and report this to his work and get a divorce.

[danman83]

Hahha funny u bev! Run like the wind hahah

[b8988]

Sprint even! Lol

[georgia26]

If this is the start to your relationship and you arent in deep do not go back there, Bev is right, run and dont look back. He will say whatever he can to manipulate and they are the best liars. Addiction doesnt just go away, its a long long road – i suggest you read through some threads, as I think that will help you make up your mind.. sending love xxx

[georgia26]

ha I agree, definitely not worth the stress if youre not in deep. Best not to be naive in this situation, as thats what will get you in trouble……………. i was naive, if someone gave me the option and told me what it was, i would never have gone there, as its hell

[danman83]

Hi popples, im in the same situation as your bf.. but ive been with my gf for 10 years and have 4 kids together.. 1 step kid of each..

At 1st i was going to disagree with these lovely ladies above lol

But tbh they are right! You have no ties with him! No children with him.. and yo dont live with him.. so you dont need that burden.

So no matter how much it hurts. Id move on.. plus the next guy you meet.. make him fill in a questionnaire..with this 1st 2 questions… 1. Do you do coke..2. I want to see what my future mother in law is like 1st haha

[b8988]

Ahh that’s nice advice Dan, see that shows how you’re changing too, for the better. Someone still in active addiction would disagree with what we said or downplay it.

I’ve said this loads of times, we love the addict but hate the addiction.

As you say it’s very different if you have lots of memories, years together and kids with the person.

[danman83]

Cheers mate 🙂

[hox]

‘Run like the wind’ 😉

If you have no history or much history keep clear. Don’t make any memories. It would be different if you did have a history together and I would say support him.

I’m living my worst nightmare, fourteen wonderful years and then seven months and counting of pure hell.

I agree with the questionnaire 1. do you take coke. 2. Have you ever taken coke. 3…….

[louise1974]

Hi there everyone I can totally relate to everything everybody has said I have been with a guy for about a year and although I had my suspicions it has recently been confirmed that he has a chronic cocaine problem he never has any money if we go out which is where I have to pay for everything I’ve bought him clothes food, Petrol, paid bills – we don’t live together- mainly because he told me he had previous debts from when his wife left him for another man all this turns out to be rubbish the debts which are many more to dealers mainly and unpaid bills he has a company car company phone he rents two rooms out in his house to which he does not declare and yet still has no money and I jokingly said after we’ve been together a few weeks I think you have a secret cocaine addiction to which he laughed off and said he couldn’t afford that he also smokes cannabis but this doesn’t seem to be such a problem I do love him and when he’s good it’s great, but we live a distance apart and once he goes back home I’ve no idea what he’s up to and sometimes he disappears for days. I want it to work but have no unbreakable bonds with him he says he wants to quit and change and sort his life out but there have been so many lies, all very plausible I have to say, I don’t know what to believe anymore I don’t know whether to try the Toughlove approach one last time before running for the hills? any suggestions please would be appreciated Lou ????

[georgia26]

Louise… I will be brutally honest with you – if you read above anyone thats deep in this with a BF/husband or whatever will tell you its the hardest thing. You have no unbreakable ties as such, I would literally walk away now, he will lie and manipulate you into thinking he is going to change etc and he probably wants to BUT it is not that easy. Addiction is not curable, it is a disease and it can only be managed and its TOUGH, i live with my boyfriend and I am in ‘deep’ I guess and if i ever had known at the stage you’re at i would have run a bloody mile. It will totally be the worry of your whole relationship, youll end up getting anxiety about his addiction, seriously.. its not worth it . I know its probably hard reading this, as you love him but its so consuming, ive felt so depressed and anxious because of my boyfriends issues, its such a hard long road. I really would suggest you take a read at some of these forums about other peoples stories, as they are horrifying to say the least – its so scary, cocaine takes over your whole life and ruins anything in its path. Thats the sad truth xxx

[louise1974]

Thanks Georgia I appreciate your honesty it is hard to read because you do you keep believing that it is possible for them to change but deep down I know you’re right he’s already lied about so much stuff even for my first date or to cover his addiction turns out his wife left him because of his addiction he’s lost so much because of it already I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t want to stop it get a new life but I guess the drug takes a hold of you -most people can’t imagine I guess.

Any suggestions on what I say to him to end it because I know you’re trying talk me round and promise me everything is there anything I can say that will leave him with one last thought he needs to sort his life out not for me as I’m practically gone, I’ve been thinking about this for months now, not for anybody else but himself and his kids?

is your partner still behaving like you say? How do you cope hun? Lou xx

[louise1974]

Sorry I meant he’ll try and talk me round

[georgia26]

Hi Lou,

No problem.. bless you. You really do want to believe it more than anything I was the same at first and I completely believed him and its so hard to accept as we dont realise what it feels like to be addicted, I want to scream and shout at my bf about it as nothing good comes from it at all.

It just ruins everything, eventually they become completely emotionless and live a life of lies. Its completely horrendous, some of the things ive read on here its heartbreaking, you literally lose everything eventually unless youre willing to change your life, it cant be easy. I try to understand, but i dont and i dont think i ever will… i havent ever been addicted to anything so find it hard to understand.

He will lie, they are usually such good liars, i mean for his wife to leave him – it must have gotten REALLY bad.. I think you need to say to him go, sort your life out, seek professional help. The first step is going to the doctors, he needs to really really want it.. or he’ll never be able to change.

Addiction is mind boggling. I have read up on it and watched endless clips online about it and its sad, as apparently when it gets you its not curable – how scary is that?!! I struggle to believe that really.. I know it can be managed and people do go sober but it lingers i think, there is always that risk – and its everywhere these days, so its hard.

My boyfriend is going to addiction therapy, he relapses every 3/4 weeks and every time i am left devastated. My story is nothing compared to some on here – some peoples husbands have left them in 50k debt and left them with the kids etc, its scary and it worries me so much.. my life is completely on hold. I dont cope really, i have cried, screamed at him, threatened to leave and it continues.. I will leave him if this continues, i have told him this.. I am so done with it. I am 26 now and want to start a family etc.

I think if you read through these threads, youd see what I mean.. Dan on this forum will tell you (hes addicted himself) and hes battling with it.. bless him hes doing brilliantly – he really wants it, and your BF will need the same will power to give up. Also, with it being long distance, i think youll live in fear, like I do!!! when mine leaves the house and hes longer than he said I totally go into panic, not good. He went away for work last week and i was in tears, sat at home worried sick..

In a way I think I get so upset as I know deep down itll probably be the end of us.

Do let us know how you get on and what he says etc.. everyone is so supportive on here, its so sad as hes already lost everything… i hope he gets the strength to seek help.

xxx

[louise1974]

Thank you sincerely, why do you think they make such good liars? Probably practice makes perfect I reckon and probably because they have to over think everything and everyone to stay one step ahead it becomes second nature. I haven’t heard from him for near on 2 days now which is how I know he’s off on one, The post on here saying it was a sneaky addiction it’s true he holds down a professional job and to the outside world there are no problems he is Mr sociable and everyone likes him but I’ve seen a different side recently the mood swings and manipulation and lies the constant smoking mirrors it’s hard work and I think if I’d known where this bus was going I would never of got on as my ex was similar but in a different way. I told him that’s why we finished and he says that why he hid stuff from me but I see now lies and deceit is a way of life for him now.

It’s a shame because we are v compatible in all other ways but this overshadows everything now. You’re right in everything you say thanks Lou x

[b8988]

It’s part of the addiction hun, my husband had 6 months clean last year but I’d still catch him lying about little things. I think it becomes second nature to them.

I read a post on a different site from a ex addict where she said when you’re in active addiction your lies don’t feel like lies, you see others as stopping you from having fun. Apparently it’s not denial as denial is accepting there’s a problem but downplaying it. Delusion is a better description, they are delusional in their beliefs.

This link here explains it perfectly

https://www.addictioncampuses.com/blog/5-lies-i-told-in-active-addiction/

[b8988]

I don’t think this site lets you post links.

Google 5 lies told in active addiction. On a site called addiction campuses

It made it really clear to understand.

When someone you love has an addiction, by hey sigmund.com is really interesting too. If you love an addict you’ll soon know every website on addiction lol.

I wish you all the best x

[louise1974]

Thanks all – that’s my evenings reading sorted lol. I’ve started going to the gym so off there now-

I needed some respite from it all and it helps being around ‘normality’, and I think doing something for yourself helps, does anyone feel the same? Lou x

[danman83]

Sorry popples i got it wrong.. ive now wrote my answer to your question on the original post lol sorry

[popples]

Not a problem. I appreciate your advice. Just dusting off my trainers lol x Run like the wind. Just as well humour still intact

[b8988]

????

[icarus-trust]

Hi Popples,

You sound like you’re really strong but, if you would like any other support you may like to try us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people affected by a partner or family member’s addiction. talking with one of our people might help you to make some sense of what is happening with your partner.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[louise1974]

Thanks all I will check out the links sent this evening.

It’s hard isn’t it, I feel like it’s time to move on now I think I deserve better, it’s not going to change anytime soon- my BF using, he’s getting more and more in debt and I don’t believe a word that comes out his mouth. Too many lies – smoke and mirrors that’s all it is, it’s like he’s cheating on me, that’s how it feels anyway- see them hills in the distance we’ll thats where I’m running! Lou

[popples]

Thanks Icarus Trust. Thank goodness for the work you do and for the support on this site.

[popples]

Ah Lou I so understand how you’re feeling. It’s tough making the decision to move on as you feel like it’s a betrayal and that your letting them down and yet if you stay it’s misery. The constant lies and manipulation. I tried to support whilst being out of the relationship and that didn’t work either. Still a load of lies and being made to feel like your in the wrong. I know what you mean about cheating; it feels like that would be easier to understand. I would get out now and yes you do deserve better x

[louise1974]

Thanks popples- it’s hard because I’ve invested the last year into this guy, not really knowing the whole situation as I’ve only found out about the addition since Christmas, and I do love him but I cannot see a way out of his mess and he’s not really trying- he gives it lip service but that’s it. So it’s back to the drawing board again and hopefully the next guy will be better for me and my son and not bleed me dry financially and emotionally like this one! All the best Lou x

[popples]

I’m in exactly the same position in that I found out January and although we are not officially together emotionally we are. It is so difficult to walk away from someone you love even knowing the relationship as a result of the addiction is not good. Ultimately we have to put our kids first otherwise what message does it give them? I struggle though as my ex is a gentle kind person and at his best great fun to be around. I’m not helping him though in fact I think I’m making things worse for him. I think when they can just focus on themselves life is easier for them and also they have to face some harsh truths.

[louise1974]

Hi there, thanks for that.

My partner is also kind, funny and great company, he’s my soul mate that is what makes this sooo difficult because if he was an arsehole this would be easy! However by doing nothing I’m enabling his addiction and I carnt be responsible for that, my son is also too young to fully understand but he’ll get there soon and I don’t think I can handle that, he’s 8. It’s a horrible and selfish disease, if it is that? And it takes no prisoners x Lou x ps I do appreciate the support it does help.

[hcraggs]

Hi Iv just joined this forum . I’m

Currently living in a nightmare , have two beautiful girls who been affected by me and their dads relationship . He has gambled for years stealing from his parents me etc … now it been cocaine the last few years . He’s has been violent with me in the past and is now more mental torture . I have been with him for 20yrs , I fee like I’m on a roundabout can’t get off same s**t different day . As I’m tying this I come home

From

Work yesterday he was off his face , prior to this I have had to put up

With him

Just disappearing all night , him saying he is just in his car , literally he kn no

Social network for the hrs he disappears but reckons he juat

Sat in the car ????he will now be nasty all

Well coming off it and then be craving more . I’m completly mentally drained . I wear my heart in my sleeve so hate hurting anyone , but I feel

As though it’s time

I think

Of

Me and my daughters x

[Author]

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