[buster]

I’ve only just found this forum and if I don’t share my story I think I’ll scream. I am mentally exhausted and feel trapped. For the past 5 years I’ve watched as my wife has changed from the vibrant, funny and healthy woman I married into someone with potential serious health issues who is increasingly a stranger. A year ago, after 4 years of knowing in my heart there was something else at play, my wife confided in me she had a codeine addiction. Despite promises of stopping and attending rehab to get help, it continues on and now there’s other drugs at play. She’s mixing with cocaine use and periodically cannabis. She arranges pick ups and drop offs of drugs – I’ve been tempted more than once to call the police to catch her as I think maybe only then might the shock of it get through to her what she’s doing. The lies, the movement of money, the mood swings, the vile language and name calling when she’s high, the shouting, the apathy. Its tearing our relationship apart. Im covering for her with her work colleagues, her family and to protect our kids. Im deeply ashamed, frustrated, and angry that the woman I love, who holds down a professional job, is stuck on this path and seemingly content to live like this. There is no intimacy, we’re like housemates, and this is after a happy 18 years of marriage, healthy and active sex life. It started after a workplace bullying incident, where she was the victim, and got moved to a different team. At the time she was physically sick and experiencing pain, from that point our life together has changed. Her focus from that time is on pharmacy and doctor shopping, and eating. She’s gained 25-30 kilos, lost interest in pretty much everything, her friends and her appearance. Our kids talk to me and express their worry about mums weight. Her family talk to me also. She lives in a cloud of food, reality tv bing watching and cough syrup. I knew within 2 months of this event five years ago that something was wrong but the wall has been up since then and she wouldn’t talk to me despite repeated efforts on my part. In fact she convinced me it was all in my head and I was making it up. After 2 years of no intimacy, no deep conversation, and not knowing if we’d ever get our relationship back on track I had a mental health breakdown and was put on anti depression medication. I’m grateful for this as I was at the lowest point I had ever been and with no one to talk to about what I suspected was going on. I needed to be strong for my kids and buffer them from mums increasingly erratic mood swings. After about 14 months of taking medication, I stopped after I found a sports bag my wife had hidden full of codeine filled cough syrup. I confronted her and said it was stop or I’m leaving and taking the kids with me. It wasn’t in my head, I wasn’t making it up, I wasn’t crazy as my wife would say to me. She said she’d get help and stop but she just became sneakier. I love her but my heart is broken. I’m in my early 40s, keep myself in shape and crave a loving physical relationship and now I feel like I’m existing with a house mate who has no interest in anything much. I can’t leave – I think that would cause my wife to self harm, I need to be here to protect and guide our kids. But I’m hurting and not sure how to turn all this around if my wife isn’t interested in changing. Thank you for reading – just having found a space to let this out helps.

[donthaveaclue]

Hi and welcome Buster

This is my life -> ‘… feel like I’m existing with a house mate who has no interest in anything much’

I’m the mum though and the father of my child (and my partner) is the addict.

So, I can’t seem to turn it round. I finally gave up trying and since then am just existing while I wait to get out. I’m waiting to be rehoused. My mental health has also nose dived. It is unbearable and I’m desperate to go.

Is it possible you could leave and take care of your children by taking them with you? I know you said she’d self harm, but at what point does she reach rock bottom? I need mine to get there. Mentally he got there twice in the past year, but because I was living with him, he was still able to get by and survive so he didn’t get help.

On his own he will either sink or swim. I can’t be responsible for him…he is making his own choice in his addiction. Your wife is too. They are not choosing their children or their partners… they are choosing the drugs. So we have to be the responsible ones and choose a normal life and the children and if they want to they can get clean and follow.

[lawn01]

So on Saturday everything changed.

1pm before my partner was going on a day out with her son who is 15, I saw her doing coke in her office with the door closed 3ft from her son.

We are a blended family of 4 years and she’s had a tough time with her own father and ex husband who is an an alcoholic, cocaine user. The behaviour of the father has made the children very vulnerable and with behaviour and anxiety problems. I have 2 she’s has 2 children and we have lived in a Lovely house for 18 months now.

When we first me 4 years ago I caught her doing a livener just weeks after he son had caught the dad doing coke. This affected him greatly. The dad is now not around.

Last year I found a rolled up £50 cue a big argument. Boxing Day I caught her doing a line before we were going to play Board games and again last month I found coke in her office.

I swabbed the house last month found it in a number of places and she promised she’s deleted all the dealers numbers. On Saturday she was doing it on an iPad. So I’d never know if I swabbed surfaces again.

She claims that’s the only time she’s done it. But Saturday was different it was 1pm.

We have had loads of problems with her daughters schooling and behaviour over the last 9 months which I think has sent her over the edge.

Doing coke is not acceptable though. Now i don’t know if she’s been a user for the whole time we’ve been together.

I confronted her. Now she refuses to talk to me and doesn’t admit she has a problem, says it’s normal, acceptable .

Her behaviours are exactly how the poster described. Exactly.

She has a high flying job but rarely gets out of bed before 11am. Always chasing around to catch up time. She’s bi polar, always angry with something, no interests apart from trash tv. Petty in her insults. She get a abusive both verbally and physically. Controlling

I’m ever Hopeful she will wake up one day and be back to her best.

I’m Heart broken today. Even worse I’m in Europe away from the famiky.

Suddenly her problems have smacked me in the face. Clear as day. I don’t know what to do.

We have so much to lose.

[jamesb]

Hi mate,

Hope you’re okay.

You’re in a real tight stop man aren’t you.

Ill start with letting you know that in my story I was the addict. The reason I post and reply to people like yourself on here is to hopefully equipt people with the knowledge I have from being a full blown cocaine addict who struggled to try hold together a relationship and normal life etc so that you can help your partner’s get sober and back to the people you love.

I’ll start with the assumption that this isn’t something new. Obviously I can’t tell you for sure but chances are her addiction has been present at some level for the entire time.

Because she has always managed to mostly keep it from you and still function, have a decent job, make money, function and keep it from you. Over the years her brain has been wired to tell herself there’s nothing wrong with what she is doing. She’s not a down and out right? So she thinks whats the problem. This is because she isn’t thinking straight.

Cocaine addiction has many harmful traits but one of the worst is how it alienates a person. Rewires their brain, makes them do and say thing they would never dream of. I bet the person your partner is deep down would never dream of doing a nose Infront of her kid but those rational moral things completely go out of the window when the addiction takes over.

I always say that there’s 2 parts to the addiction. The part that is that the person just genuinely enjoys the effect of the drug. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t absolutely love how cocaine made me feel (at times) but then there is the side that is the darker more innocent side. This side is the side that where a good person who never set out to be an addict or who never realised the carnage and destruction that this stuff will bring but unknowingly is slipping further and further into addiction.

Not always but in most cases, when a person takes recriational use over the line to addiction it is because there is a pain that the person is using the substance to mask.

I know it’s easy to say but speak to her, ask her honestly why she uses, hlnot just because it’s okay and she wants to but really why. Tell her that you will support her and make sure you do but let her know that if she doesn’t change then she will lose you and her family. Right now she hasn’t lost anything because of it. You may get mad but you eventually forgive her. There needs to be clear boundaries that if she doesn’t at least try to stop and get help then you will not keep allowing her to act this way.

I would be certain to promise you she already is wanting to stop. The amount of energy it takes daily to hide something like this is exhausting.

But through fear of what will happen when coming clean it is easier just to carry on and just get by day by day.

She’s lucky to have you mate you clearly love her.

Be strong and try your best to understand she is not a bad person, she is suffering from an illness.

Always here if you want to talk or ask me anything.

Take care.

James x

[lawn01]

All the best Buster!

[shell98]

Hope you are ok she will get better

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