[Whattodo89]

I don’t know where to start but I need help outside of my family because I feel like a failure for still being here. We did break up and got back together after a couple of years. It’s not just went back but has gotten worse and I am sick of it. I am tired of the manipulation. I am tired of being made out to be too much, sensitive, a problem, controlling and a ruler of some sort.

Its not just alcohol now, I’ve asked him to stop this or drop it’s regularity but now he’s substituting the ‘off’ times with codeine, I’ve just had it confirmed an hour ago. I don’t even know what to say. He took 8 in 4 hi ours and sees no problem with this. I came home and couldn’t wake him up he was that deep in a sleep. What if something happened, an emergency and he couldn’t shift?

I am angry, upset, frustrated and oh so very done. His response ‘but it’s not alcohol’ .. I’m ready to hunt the house down and find everyone of them and dump them.

 

I don’t have much experience with codeine addictions, what is it like? He seemed quite light and relaxed but i could tell he was stoned on something.

 

I don’t even know the point of this but to get it off my chest. Does it get better? Will AA help? Is codeine a different place? I feel like I’ve already endured so much I just want to leave. I’ve began to question why I haven’t at this stage beyond our daughter.

 

Any shared experiences, guidance, advice .. all welcome to this person just not sure how to get through another day.

[ceelen]

You need to work out what you are getting from this relationship. Take your daughter out of the equation entirely. Do you get love? Attention, affection, praise, support? Do you get happiness? Does the food outweigh the bad?

If he stopped using would he actually be the person you want? Or would he still be someone you didn’t want to be with?

You can’t control him, you can’t control his addiction or actions, but you can control yours. Your life is a choice that you get to make, your happiness is valuable. You deserve to be happy.

If you want to walk away, that’s okay, but it will take strength.

If you want to stay, have him see a GP for further advice and support. Going round the house and binning the lot will feel amazing for you, but its likely to lead to an almighty row.

 

[Whattodo89]

This is all so true. I’m not sure what I’m getting, I’ve took time to think about this and I’m asking for attention, love, to be held, emotional support and I manage the money.. I feel like when I look at it I’m responsible for all of it and he only needs to look after him but I still do that too.

So I’m not sure what I’m getting and that’s opening my eyes up. When he’s not drinking he’d down, angry, resentful.. would he always be like that if he stayed of the drink and codeine? Will it always be anger in the house or does that leave?

I feel like I have so much to think about and what to do. He can be so generous but it’s mainly if you are out or a birthday he can make you feel amazing but everyday? The negativity is overwhelming the more I think of it.

Love is so strange to still be here when I struggle to see the positive

[xSARAx963x]

Hello Whattodo.

One of the things that helped me break from my alcoholic prescription drug taking, abusive husband was this:

The Duleth model of power and control wheel. Look it up.

I thought I loved my husband it was why I stayed. But love like friendship is a two way thing. I realised looking at the wheel, that what I was actually feeling was co-dependancey. That my need for love and a close relationship was masking the truth of what our relationship actually was.

His alcoholism and addiction had become his only love. He was never going to be in a relationship with me, because he loved his mistress ( alcohol and drugs) whom he would never give up.

It gave me the strength to leave and opened my eyes to the reality of our situation.

In his case he never changed and went on to abuse others before he died. However I believe change for some is possible if they want it and not at the expense of others.

I would love to see here, experiences of those who have changed, who have come through their addiction and can explain how they managed it.
Whilst supporting each other here is lovely and helpful, I feel the most hope and help to us the family supports, can come from those who navigated the systems and won their lives back.

Please give us hope.

You who have conquered these situations are invaluable ????????

[Whattodo89]

I’m so sorry to hear that he passed, I’m sure no matter your journey that hurt so I’m sorry for your loss.

I’ve asked him to leave after more lies about drinking and if he has, where, who with and I realised no matter if im wrong on occasion the doubt, searching, pupil checks.. it’s all too much. I can’t be responsible for all of that every day and worrying what the next thing will be.

We haven’t spoke yet and I’m not sure what will happen when we do but right now I’m using this time to learn and I’ll read up on the model you’ve recommended thank you, and to think about what I get from the relationship and who we are outside of fighting the one of many problems.

One thing I do know though is I don’t like who I am in it and that’s alot. Did you ever deal with the anger and resentment? It’s hard to work through it all

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