[jamie00785]

Hello. I have been reading people’s stories on here which has given me the courage to share mine.

I am currently a crack cocaine addict in a codependent relationship. I didn’t even know until 3 days ago what codependency was and its had a soul destroying affect as it’s all I’ve thought about since.

My partner (the enabler) is a wonderful caring woman who, in the first year before I abused coke, I absolutely worshiped the bones of. We met at low points in our lives following previously splitting from our ex partners, albeit in different circumstances.

I split from my daughter’s mother after 9 years as I resented her for ‘nagging’ about my weed habit. I should have sorted myself out but I was deflecting the blame which ultimately was the final nail in the coffin.

My partner was a married to a mentally abusive man who ultimately left her and 2 young children 6 months after they got married due to an affair on his part. I know that this has played a massive part in her mentality.

We met through a dating app so I was a bit sceptical but we had so much in common it was unbelievable. Taste in music…sense of humour… weed…. We’d comfort each other with affection and laugh together at the silliest things.

I moved in to her home after literally a few weeks and my daughter was even staying every other weekend after about a year of me moving in.

After a drink one night I asked if she fancied getting a gram of Charlie as I knew she had dabbled in the past. She agreed. This is when things went downhill even though at the time I didn’t think that was the case…. We went to bed and had the most amazing sex I’d ever had until the milkman was out and about!!

This became a weekly occurrence for the next 2 years as the sex was more intense due to the coke.

It became that bad, that I started getting ‘tick’ of my dealer… £40 a pop. 2 bags a time. 2 or 3 times a week!

All my wages gone before I even took them out of the bank on payday. I got into a heavy debt over the pandemic and on return to work, stole £2000 from my employer to pay it off… I was arrested and currently preparing for court appearances regarding this matter.

My partner was heartbroken but vowed to help me and stand by me.

A ray of sunshine appeared for me in the form of my dealer getting busted for county lines and going to prison. I could now get off the coke and sort myself out.. Im a big guy who weight trains often so that was something I tried i guess to keep hitting the gym more often.

Being unemployed I started to ‘borrow’ money from my partner to buy coke from another dealer who only does cash up front deals and no form of ‘tick’.

My thought process was that we buy one bag a weekend and that was that.. one bag became 3 or 4 and before you know it, an eviction letter comes through the door for rent arrears which now stands at 3k!

Despite this, even though my partner was gutted, she didn’t even tell me off let alone kick me out to the street because that is all I deserve and I feel absolutely fucking disgusted in myself.

today I am a broken man who has spent the last 3 days crying on the bedroom floor whilst my partner is out working…. The reason being is that I am now buying actual crack and I know that it’s going to kill me eventually. Weed… Cocaine… CRACK!?? Not only that but after extensive internet research on my addiction problems, I learn about codependency and everything is clear now….

This poor woman is fighting her own battles in the form of being the ‘enabler’. Her husband left her and used to call her horrible names… I walk into her life and in her eyes I’m the complete opposite of her ex.. I listen to her, comfort her and we have all that stuff in common.

But I just now feel guilt and can’t stop thinking about the situation I have put us into.

I have always had an addictive personality but I’m worried that my life is now coming to a head..

What’s worse is that I could not imagine my life without this woman. I don’t know if that’s because of the addiction but I am so broken right now. I’m scared and alone. I lost my mum at 13 years old and was made a ward of the courts. My dad was an abusive man who in my eyes was the reason for my mother’s death. The years of physical and mental abuse he put her through made me even more determined not to be like him.

I waited until my partner got home and explained everything. All she did was start to cry and closed in for a cuddle. I lost my temper and started blaming her for everything. I would never hit her but I thought I would never speak to her the way I did yesterday.. she’s not stopped crying since, and I haven’t either… But I think that the thing that has hit me the hardest is.. yep…. The kids involved. My 10 year old daughter who stays every other weekend was not even in my thought process. How does that fucking happen.

I never knew what rock bottom was.

I do now.

This is my attempt to start making things right but I just needed to get this all off my chest first.

Thanks for reading.

J xx

[debc]

Hi Jamie00785,

Welcome to the Forum.

You’ve done the hardest part by sharing your story on here, I hope you feel better for getting it off your chest.

There is lots of great advice on the Forum if you go through all the different sections.

There are on line zoom meetings that you could do, you don’t have to say anything, just listen, it might be a great help.

You’ve made the first move, it’s little steps, but just try and carry on, one day at a time.

Take care.

Dx

[notmyrealname]

Saw you comment on another post about your story so came for a read. It’s good you have put all your thoughts down and realised what’s gone wrong.

Have you both made a plan now of what you will each do to start making things better as it sounds that you were both involved in what’s been going on so it’s not just on you it’s the pair of you going to have to accept your part in it to move forward I think. You will need to work together if you’re staying together rather than just blaming yourself. I think the more you hang on to the guilty feelings the more likely you are to be doing the things you say you don’t want to do. It sounds like you have lots of good intentions to be a good man, you’ve made some wrong decisions but now you have the chance to make it right.

It sounds really positive that you’ve realised how it can affect your daughter and you have that to hold onto, to give you strength moving forward now. Although you say you feel alone you certainly are not, there are a lot of people in the same situation and lots of people on this forum who can chat to you and give you some help and advice or just to read your posts.

[paul0572]

Hiya Jamie , can you give me abit of insight to my girlfriends cocaine problem . Basically she’s been using for 2 years now , around about 3 to 5 grams per week . I basically told her family after 18 months of hell with her and she turned it round on me and our relationship and I’m just over protective and following her and crazy …which to be fair I was but only cos I was trying to stop her . We are in the process of selling our house now as she has to continue the lie that it’s our relationship to her family …even tho she admitted it all to my family and they know the truth ….just how hard is cocaine to get off especially when she got diagnosed with major depression and anxiety before she started taking it ?

[esta]

People have decades of heartache

Time is a healer

Give yourself a chance it will get better

Don’t feel disloyal people make there own choices

If your girlfriend wants to change she will but you have to be realistic and know that it may not happen

[notmyrealname]

Yes it does make the partner go crazy, if you removed the cocaine out of the situation (and deliberately omitted it from any stories as the addict usually does when they tell other people what’s happened) then your actions would probably seem controlling and irrational but once you find out about the cocaine it makes sense why you would try to take control as the person taking the cocaine makes your life go out of control and you have to try and get control back to fix the things they mess up. It’s a sad truth that you have probably had a lucky escape, but I know it’s hard for someone else to tell you, it’s something you have to realise yourself.

[Bayderertu]

Thank you for thinking about it!

[Author]

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