[bella73]

I wonder if anyone could help me by explaining when my partner comes home early hours obviously using coke and alcohol, but he sits up awake, what kind of things would be going through his head and same for when hes coming down off it? Hope someone can help

[outofideas]

My partner usually gets into a right state when he goes on a mad one. He sometimes just sits there clenching his chest thinking that he is having a heart attack. Then he goes through the shame and guilt phase, the “I don’t even know what else I took”, “I can’t go on like this”, “I promise you I will sort my life out, you and our baby mean everything to me”, “if you leave me I will kill myself”, etc. I really struggle dealing with him. I know I should support him because to be fair to him he did cut down but I am a new mum as well trying to deal with a baby with pretty much no help from our families as they all live far away.

I am scared of him doing something really stupid one day and getting a call that he took it too far and took a mixture of drugs.

[bella73]

Omg poor you! This is all new to me, so thanks for the advice, what shocks me the most, how he has always been to me so kind loving and now he almost don’t give a shit, so sad! But as for you having a baby you really need to think of yourself and the baby! I’m so sorry your going through this ????

[bluebell]

The coke changes them and they become selfish arseholes. The nice version of them disappears forever then they start blaming you for everything. I divorced my ex husband and have twoboys with him. I gave him an ultimatum me and the boys or drugs. He chose drugs. The only advice I can give you is to never do that because then when they walk your self esteem hits rock bottom and no amount of therapy will get you over the abandonment. If I was me three years ago I wish I had the courage to actually boot the arsehole out myself as then at least I would have some self respect. Thinking you can help them or change them is an illusion. If they seriously want to change then they will fight for you and will probably need some serious help from the higher power along the way. I had 8 years of the same shit, it doesn’t get better it gets worse. You will be gaslit to within an inch of your life until you think you are going crazy. Your boundaries are repeatedly crossed to the point that what you start tolerating is so far over the line you can’t even see the line any more. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, I know I wouldn’t have listened either, it just makes me angry that good women like you are treated this way and I don’t want you to end up the same as me x

[stemgirl]

Thanks so much for sharing this reply. It has made me certain I am doing the right thing in walking out. The gaslighting (saying it’s me who has changed and that I’m imagining things) and deflecting (going on about a person I slept with before we were even together) have already started as a means of manipulating me back into a life where my boundaries may as well not have existed.

Thanks again x

[outofideas]

I do know that it’s hard to accept that they won’t change. I did tell him too that he needs to choose between the drugs and booze and us. He does tell me all the time how he wants us to be a proper family, he doesn’t want to lose us, we mean the world to him, etc. I must admit he did cut down. He told me that he’s been using it since his early twenties and he’s now getting closer to 40. He had periods when he was using every day even when he was at work – although this was 10 years ago. He kind of “manages” it now with having “only two lines every other week just to silence the cravings”. But unfortunately there are times when he can’t stop at them two lines and it becomes a whole night bender. He says he hates the drugs but the minute he has a drink the cravings get stronger. And boy can he drink when he is on drugs! 10-15 pints, some whisky and if there’s any other alcohol in the house, he will have a go at that too. Any drink we were given as a present before I used to hide in different places in the kitchen cup, in my wardrobe, in places I knew he would not look for.

Sometimes I wish I knew nothing about it. I wish I could erase it all from memory. Because when he is not using he is amazing. We don’t argue, he’s a great dad to our baby but the minute the cravings start, we don’t exist.

You mentioned self esteem. Well to be honest with you I feel like a piece of s**t. I feel like am not good enough, the drugs are always better. And now everyone is saying that it is my fault because I am never happy. How can I be happy when I know that it’s only lasting a couple weeks if that? How can I be happy and smile again when I can’t trust him and don’t believe half of the bulls**t he is telling me? He thinks am stupid and don’t see when he is on it, but I know the signs too well now.

When we went to counseling the guy was explaining a few things to us. Basically “Charley” (the coke) is his other girlfriend. He’s trying to have a three way relationship, with me where we plan for the future, we exercise together, go out for walks and with “her” when he is using.

I hope he gets his act together soon. He is beginning me to give him another chance until the end of the year as he wants to have Christmas with us, wants to celebrate baby’s first Christmas. I agreed but deep down I know the chance that he will actually stop is very slim. He lied to me too many times for me to believe anything he’s saying. But for baby’s sake I’m staying as agreed. I don’t want him to blame me later that I didn’t try with his dad.

Sorry if my writing is all over the place but there’s a lot going on, there’s a lot of pain and once I open up, it’s just flooding.

[bluebell]

I so feel for you, the guilting you out and all the false promises and with a young baby too. Believe it or not but my ex-husband was on it for 8 years and I had no idea! Only when he had a psychotic meltdown and accused me of an affair I never had! For all the abuse I got I bloody wished I had as at least then I would have deserved it. There is a very good author called Melodie Beattie. She writes for people like us who become what is known as co-dependent mainly as a reaction to the crazy behaviour and trying to control the uncontrollable! Look her up and have a read. It’s good to try and understand our emotions and try to focus on ourselves rather than them. I will always love the man that once was who I met 20 years ago. But he is changed forever. Cocaine use, combined with daily weed smoking as I have now found out does irreparable damage. The man who once said I was his soulmate now hates me and has paranoid delusions that I am competing with him. He still goes out of his way to do unkind things to me for no reason. All I can say is I am glad I divorced him and have the majority care of our two boys, they only stay two nights a month. My boys are safe and after two years now quite happy. I bought him out of the family home. The money I gave him paid off his £53,000 debt (this is a man who earned £75,000 pa) but he has no savings, he has nothing. He lives in a two bed flat on his own. Annoyingly two minutes up the road from me. But at the end of the day, at least I have security and so do my boys. If I hadn’t got divorced he probably would have carried on and we would have lost our house. My head kicked in and did what it had to do. My heart, that will be forever broken, that betrayal never goes away, and seeing the person you love become lost through drugs is probably on a par with seeing someone you love disappear through dementia. They are never the same again. I wish all of you still going through this lots of love, hope and strength. You come out the other side a different person, I’m more compassionate and a hell of a lot more laid back. That loss never goes away as it feels such a waste, but you do learn to live with it. Sending lots of love and positive vibes xx

[dre80]

I just told the boy that I’ve known for months, that I have a competitor, and I know I can’t fight her, she gives him things that I can’t give. But she humiliates him and I don’t do that part. How complicated it is to know that they say they want to get out of it, leave it, even taking medicines that the doctor has given to addiction, but I believe that they deceive themselves or she can be so strong that I already know she is. They like it, so they say they want to stop but it’s not true. I don’t know how far I will take this guy, he went out Saturday night to get drugs, and he had been without coca for almost 2 weeks, and we could be together having a good time. They are really wonderful, loving, kind, and would be even better without it. I think about getting out of it, because I’m already suffering too, and we’re not even boyfriends, because he already said that it would hurt me.

[Author]

Posts