[louise1505]

So my ex of 8 years father to 3 children addmited to me after new years he’s having issues with coke ..

We broke up 2 years ago after having our 3rd child he snapped during a row and smashed the bedroom up in front of the kids and I threw him out- we tried rebuild he would cry argue beg big circle of promises begging then disappear again over and over for the next 18 months till one morning he turned up at11am smashed with £2000 couldn’t focus had sunglasses on – I thought he was drunk – to be fair he prob was aswel – he left me £2000 asked to stay and go for a lie down I said no and he left – I barley seen him for months until I found him on tinder ( I had a feeling god knows y so I checked ) . I cut him out of my Life from the may till end of July – we spoke arranged to let him see kids he said he had depression was getting help etc he got a flat and had moved out of his mums – we spent a lot of time together over the summer up until end of September then he disappeared again for weeks until October half term – came to my house demanding to see the kids picking the baby up he was very cocky arrogant argumentative- I said no I was literally on my way out we rowed and he head butted me – police were called etc and I left the house and took kids – anyway social services got involved he went mad blamed me – until a few days later he rand agin about 11am very slurry crying saying his life was a mess me kids are his all etc etc I said we could talk – we did he made many promises etc – we each had a meeting with ss and once I’d stuck up for him and he got the all clear he went off again – so I went mad cut him off again and we didn’t hear until Xmas time – again I felt bad let him spend Xmas with him – and we had a party family etc he was late turning up then very moody wen he did – we rowed again he stormed out – leading up to 4th jan he admitted his switches were due to coke – I said is help him I was relieved he’d told me and we cud try the build etc – we txt all weekend then again disappeared- this time enough was enough I rang his phone and he went mad saying I’m being dramatic etc so again I cut ties – this time it’s been 4 -5 months – he hasn’t really shown any interest in the kids he had a follow up from children’s early help and agreed to a 3pm Tuesday call with my kids he managed 3 out of 6 so iv stopes him doing it –

Iv since heard he’s living with a Middle Aged woman with a coke problem and it’s the same woman / flat he was in last year – swore on kids lives on 4th jan there was no women – he had so many excuses –

Any way sorry for long post and hope it makes sense – I guess now it’s wat do I do ? Iv changed my number and cut ties – but I know he needs help he’s not the man I met but he won’t admit it he makes me feel like I’m crazy and Imagined it all – and I’m the unstable one in his words !! I’m left picking up the pieces and I’m so angry ! But wat can I do I have no answers no proof nothing ! I told his parents they took his side !

I wana let go but it’s hard I loved and was loyal to this guy I know he has this issue – I want him to be a good dad but he won’t at the minute !

I guess I just needed to write this get off my chest and ppl to tell em iv not imagined it all and none of its normal – co he makes me feel like it is and I’m exaggerating!

[dot]

People will get back to you it’s such a difficult situation. Jm a believe of once there is physical abuse it’s gone too far drugs or not. If he wants to see his kids make him earn it through the correct services. He wont change till hes ready and you are not gonna save him no matter what you do. It hurts but if you approach him hes just Gonna do it again I’m sorry. I wish you luck with it.

[louise1505]

Thank you xx

[kittenmitten]

My husband has made me feel like this too. He often acts in rows like I am the crazy one. He likes to shout that out loud. He also likes to tell me that it’s me that is bullying him or even that our 7 year old is bullying him. He tells his family that I am to blame and that our son is never disciplined and that’s why he is always so angry at us and short tempered.

He also likes to twist the events of our past and blame me for everything that has gone wrong. He knows all the buttons to push and he loves to start arguments so that he can say ‘that’s it I’m going out I cant deal with you anymore’.

What I have come to realise is that over the last few years I have tried and tried to keep a family together thinking if only I could change it would be better. He kept telling me that so why not? But nothing was ever good enough. Days out were ruined. Holidays were miserable. Christmas was awful. And all the time it was our fault.

I know how you feel being angry. There are so many times when I have just wanted to scream at him, to get my point to him. But it’s so pointless. Everytime I have ever tried to talk to him I regret it because it normally ends with him being soooooo angry and recently that anger has got more and more aggressive so I know that’s it. I have to move on. It’s not for me as much as for my son. I dont want my son growing up thinking his anger is normal.

Like you I wish he would get himself better and be a dad again (before all this he was really a great guy, loving caring, helpful thoughtful and I miss him). But for now there is no point considering what the future might bring because I know in general that having expectations of him is pointless. I do feel by letting him go I won’t be able to help him and I feel guilty about that.

But it is better for me and my son and that’s what I am trying to focus on. You have done the right thing to cut ties and move on. I hope that you start to feel better and that things settle down. None of this is your fault and you have to think of yourself and your children now and that’s all you can do x

[louise1505]

I could have wrote ur post myself honestly same with all days outruined the craziness of me and how psycho I am ???? everything’s my fault I turn kids against him wen in reality they have just had enough of being let down!

It’s like grieving for someone it’s so hard . But letting go is definitely best for urself and the kids it makes u Ill … it’s the anger I can’t get past – I end up sending him loads msg trying to make him see and it gets me know where so iv changed my number in order to stop myself from doing so I’d he wants to contact me now he will have to write to me x

[hw12]

Kitten mitten i had to reach out and reply to your comment on the post because it sounds exactly like my situation.

My partner, who i have recently asked to move out has been doing cocaine for over 10 years. We have been together for 2. He was amazing, caring loving until I found out about it all. He was the best step dad to my kids. Now his comments he makes are disgusting the arguments just get worse, he’s emotionless. He turns everything round as if its me, and i have at times questioned if it is. When its not, its him! What has led to him finding somewhere to live is him being snappy with my 7 year old. He says i don’t discipline the children and that i smother them too much. He criticises me so much as a parent when he spends his days in bed and has 3 children of his own he doesnt see or provide for. I am so sad about losing the man i loved but he isnt there anymore. I related to alot you said in your post. My children do and always will come first, thats why iv made the decision. Wish you the best in your situation i know how hard it is.

[kittenmitten]

The way my husband has been with our son is the main reason I am seeking separation. It is also of course what makes me most worried. Of course he can be a good dad and our son loves him. but our son also reacts to my husbands behaviour. I feel the tension in him when my husband is sleeping all day. He knows what’s next. He lives in the same cycle that we all do. I do the the best I can and try to give my son safety and security and as much love as I can. My husband has been blaming me and our son for so long though I think it has effected our sons behaviour. There can be quite a difference in him when we are at home alone or when my husband is home. I know it’s not my parenting and always did but it’s hard not to question yourself when someone blames you for everything going wrong. I feel so sorry for our son stuck in the middle of all this. Like you I have felt sad about losing our my husband to this and losing our family.

I wish my husband would just move out and leave us alone. Unfortunately I know I am going to have to fight my way out of this whole situation. Trouble is my husband is very intelligent. He can take cocaine and still work and he mostly has little other problems from his habit. He makes lots of money and we are financially secure as we own our own house. I on the other hand have only worked part time since we had our son and I work from home so I am kinda screwed – leaving for me means losing the house, my son changing schools and me starting from scratch again with my job as I know I will need to leave the area I live in. That’s why I have stayed and that’s why I am trapped right now. He knows it and uses it in a controlling way against me.

It helps chatting in here. Reading people’s stories and not feeling so alone in all this.

[louise1505]

My son was similar his behaviour always goes bad wen he’s about! Like he craves attention from him he knows he doesn’t get I duno … I understand the financial side as it was similar to us we only rented but he hid so much money from me and then knew the money he did give me helped massively it’s still sane he will send money each month we have a set day but always sends wen he’s ready too in the past he’s known that wen it comes to that day he sends it iv always msg saying can u send money but no more I’d rather manage with out I’m slowly getting Bk in my own two feet and never again will I be financially dependent on a man even the best man in the world once u are u are stuck ! Iv got 3 kids and it’s really hard luckily I have an amazing mum who’s like a dad to my boys but it’s still been a struggle and cutting him off had meant doing it completely alone it’s been a struggle at times but my mental health my happiness is best it’s been in years – my kids are more settled and well behaved and they know little bits and we have to work as a team xx

[kklost]

Louise- this sounds like hell. I’m so sorry for you and your 3 children.

You are so strong to have kicked him out and cut ties!!! Be proud, head held high and know that you are stronger than me!!!!!!

I am right at week one (haven’t even completed a week yet) so don’t have anywhere near the experience of this or even know what I will actually do if my husband messes this up.

BUT – I’m putting myself in the shoes and story you wrote –

You have been strong, you have left him, kicked him out and cut him off. You’ve done it and you had done it for the right reasons! Good on you!

When you say what do you do now? Can you explain?

If you mean by helping him, I don’t think so. The hard bit is done and over with. There is no more for him that he deserves. You need to build yourself back up and start building your own life. His is his and it’s bad. Not drag yourself into that.

Your story gave me strength for what I might have to do/face. Thank you!

[dot]

I believe a misconception on this forum is what do you do. It always has be kicked out as no one really changes till that happens in my opinion. How long? And is there any working stuff out ever??? I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m actually feeling alot better and happier on my own.. I have too much guilt from my own past and maybe I don’t want to face it??? I’m gonna have too but I dint want too lol

[louise1505]

I think by “wat Do I do now” I mean I guess I have no closure in a way I feel like I’ve invested so much time into him like last year I thought he was ill with depression I did so much for him and listened over and over I feel so angry that he’s almost just walked away to a new life and is denying everything- but I guess the fact he shows hardly any interest in the kids gives me answers of wat he’s up to!

It’s funny I do miss the old him incredibly and my family life but I was also happiest on my own last few months like a weight was lifted – I think u have waited a bit of him to come and admitt it all and be sorry but it isn’t happening! I need to really let go maybe get some therapy . I just have such anger like he’s got a way with it all and I’m picking up the pieces . I guess time will tell wat he’s doing and for me times a healer .

It’s not easy with the kids on my own but they give u the strength to carry on and bring so much happiness- I do have major guilt with them they have lost their dad and I feel terrible but it isn’t my fault I know that.

Xx

[kittenmitten]

I am the same louise with the texts! The hours I spent before I knew he was taking cocaine trying to reason with him almost makes me sick to think of!!! The things I was trying to get him to understand make me feel stupid that I was even having these conversations. And of course I cant really explain it to others as it’s all just too horrible! He constantly tells me I am lecturing him, he will often lament that I talked at him for hours and he is right. It is hard to break that habit but I am trying hard and coming on here to chat instead of reacting to him as much as possible – living with him still and it’s hard not to react but I am finding the strength and doing ok.

I think that it’s great that you have stopped this contact with him, it’s so pointless chatting to a cocaine addict. We go on and on and we get nowhere!

[louise1505]

It is even wen I’d bring it up he’d look me straight face and said I don’t know way ur taking about I don’t have a drug problem even though he admitted he’d laugh like I imagined it! It’s furiating I’d send txts pics of old memories so something would click – hence y I changed my number I knew that once I’d done that it would stop me – or I hope it does!!

I don’t even know where he’s living his family don’t but don’t seem to care ! It’s crazy like he lives another life and wveryone should just be ok with it like it’s normal lol xx

[kklost]

That’s really weird and I can understand why you are so unhappy.

To admit it and then said you are wrong and imagining it? That’s seriously odd!

You are probably better off not knowing where he is. Better for you all!

[louise1505]

He’s done it with loads of stuff over years said one thing then denied it he’s a narcissist i sware by it he knows wat he’s doing he’s so manipulative it’s untrue x

[kklost]

I’m starting to think they all are that we discuss. How could I not have a clue for so long? I was manipulated. I know that, frightens me that he would try that again.

[scotgal]

I’m reading all this storys and not ready to talk but I can understand Everyone’s how this drugs affects us x

[louise1505]

It’s unbelievable how many ppl I can relate to on here it’s saved my mind honestly thought I was loosing the plot and making things up in my head!!

I had the same abuse over any little mistake I’d make as a mother wen in reality I’m an amazing mum raising 3 kids alone!

He’d make comments that I’d eat too much or all I have to do is look at a burger or if I have a few drinks it’s watch how much ur drinking etc anything for a snide comment to put me down -iv never been bigger than a size 8 and hardly drink ! But iv developed massive anxiety over my weight I lost all self worth through him he’d never take me out and made em feel like he was ashamed wen really he just wanted to be somewhere else it all makes sense now but even now doesn’t seem like it can be real and someone can change so so much!

We my 7 yr old was born he wud never miss a bath time we were best friends inseparable but since my 2 year old has been born he’s probably bathed him twice in total that’s how much he’s changed – has no interest wat so ever!! Xxx

[hw12]

Im so sorry to hear you are going through something like that especially with children involved i know what its like and its tough. As a parent its natural to want to protect them, but my partner sees this is as me smothering them. He has so many things to say about how I should parent. Yet when we first me met and i had been a single mum he said i was an amazing mum and the kids were lucky to have me. He wished the kids were his. I can see he doesnt think that now from how he is.

Being trapped like that is an awful situation for you, and with you saying your partner sleeps all day. Mine does this too. Sometimes 18 hours at a time, usually 1-2 days a week but even more since lockdown, im practically on my own anyway. It causes so much frustration i cant even explain it, my daughter especially gets upset asking him to get up etc. He doesnt care. Hes accused me of allsorts apparently iv been with my next door neighbour, a guy who came to do maintenance at my property, he thinks i dont have a sexual relationship with him because im trying to get rid of an std when in reality im so hurt by him i cant bring myself to be emotionally engaged in anything to do with him. Its like iv had to detatch myself, because i would have honestly had a break down.

[hw12]

He turns everything round on me, blames my behaviour. When i met him i was kind caring and would have done anything for him and did and i didnt know about his cocaine addiction so to a point I enabled it for a while. Then when I stopped and I toughened up he didnt like it, thinks im a bitch. Doesnt realise he made things like this. I have changed as a person im so upset and angry and resentful towards him, but he hust blames me. Says im bitter and twisted and i should just get over it. If i wake him up when hes been asleep for almost 24 hours he will say “how is it causing you a problem im not hurting anyone” but seeing him like this is doing quite the opposite. I thought it was depression and i got him to drs and hes on tablets and to be fair i think hes had depression for years but i think the reason now is because before he was using drugs to feel normal. And now he’s apparently clean, he hasnt got that to lift him up so he comes back down to his reality of deep depression. He is honestly jekyll and hyde.

[louise1505]

I’d refere to him for months as j & h !

He sounds same couldn’t wake up did not wana do anything he work nights wen this all started I think get up eat work come home for 6am play Xbox till 10am sleep all day- repeat – I was so lonely angry he couldn’t get y it be in just working – yet never had much to show for working 10 hour a night 7 days a week! ????????‍♀️

But it was all in my head apparently paranoid I dint work at the time so I shud shut up put up and be the mum or go to work pay half run the house and bring 3 kids up – whilst he basically did wat he want!! And wen I moaned it was me nagging it was too much for him I used to say if I had it in me I’d pack a bag let u cope with house kids for a week and see how u felt obviously I cud never do that to the kids but I’d love him a week in my shoes!

He’s turned into the most selfish person I know! Even wen I was pregnant 33weeks I had water infection and had to go in hospital as thought it was my waters gone – he was “working” phone off no answer till 10am even wen we did get hold of him he dint turn up til 3 pm next day and I couldn’t go to hopspitsl till then as no one about to have kids and he had no answers other than I was working for me -it makes sense now he was in a bender!

He’s told me times in the past he’d go to a hotel like b & b and take his xbox laptop get coke weed drink and turn phone off and get wasted!!

It makes me so so angry get now acts like iv made that story up to the point I question myself !! Xx

[louise1505]

The bitch thing aswel- same with me he says I turned cold once u had my son – duno how he can’t see y?!!

[hw12]

Its terrible. I have asked him to leave this is my home what he came into because he had no where to go. I lived here 6 years before he moved in. He said he wont leave till he finds somwhere even though hes not looking because hes asleep all the time so in a way i am trapped too. I just want my life back. I dont go out anywhere, i spend all my time alone with just my children, i cant have anyone to the house because hes asleep on sofa, my family cant stand him because they have seen what hes done to me. We went on a rare night out at xmas and he showed me up in front of a random man in the pub saying that i was flirting with him i didnt even know the guy. He hasnt got any where to go because hes burnt his bridges with everyone already. He is like an absolute leech, and would carry on sucking life out of me till im dead. I need to break away now.

[louise1505]

I locked mine Out a few years ago after he smashed the bedroom up in some rage over nothing in front of the boys – he went to work and never got bk in ! We have tried to repair since but he lived at his mums but same lies and broken promises disappearing etc – his mum and dad don’t care he’s in bed all day so they enable it all they don’t care about my kids one bit I begged them for help and was told it’s my fault for getting pregnant and ruining his life !

I duno where he lives now think it’s with a woman much older iv been told who has a coke habit she’s got money etc so he be leaching off her! Shows wat she’s like coz any decent woman would wana see his kids meet his family etc he’s basically disappeared with her ! Living more lies no doubt!! Xx

[hw12]

Im currently in the process of getting him to leave my home which if im honest is heart breaking. Because deep down i love this man but i dont love the person he has become and i dont like the person i have become either. So this is something that has to happen to get some control back over my life. My ex partner (childrens dad) even has to make child arrangements through him and have no contact with me because he is paranoid something is going. Every aspect of my life is affected by this and i cant let it anymore

[louise1505]

No once u take control bk it will be like a weights lifted once he realises he has no control there’s nothing he can do to u u have to be strong break away – it will take him to hit rock bottom before he changes unfortunately- I thought we got there in October wen he head butted me and police social services were involved and he rang me crying begging me to take control of his life take his phone etc – I dint know about the coke at this time!! By the Friday he’d disappeared again and that’s wen it hit me he’s no where near ready to change who he is – I thought then it was drink weed depression I think maybe if I knew about coke I’d possibly tried more to get a grip off him I duno if it wuda worked though – my cousin has had a mirror experience to me it’s crazy – it wasn’t till he ex got arrested ended up in hospital he finally seemed help admitted to his family and he was good for a month then one weekend dispearred until the Monday then turned up like nothing had happened off his face still and police were called by him saying she wouldn’t let him in the house etc lol – it’s the cheek of them the bare faced lies that get me!! Xx

[hw12]

I have just spent an hour on the phone with his mum and from the sound of it he was kicked out 16 years ago by his daughters mum for drugs. And then again by another ex, and now its happening to me. She said she has seen these behaviours in him before.

He said hes going at 5pm. He thinks im just a bitch thats happy kicking him out. The truth is im hurt, and its killing me. Iv lost the man i love and this is the only way for me to get myself back to normal. I have never felt like i do no with regards to my mental health i have always been a strong person. Feel like im grieving for the person he was before all this. His mum told me his ex said 16 years ago she thought he needed it to feel normal, and i agree i think he does x

[louise1505]

It’s sad really is and it’s harder in a way than grieving for someone who’s died because the frustration of them being there is massive but u can’t get to them – he obviously needs to get to a low low point to hopefully make something click and hopefully it will but u TIL then ur better off with out him it may well be the wake up he needs if u show him ur serious xx

[hw12]

Iv had to do this. Hes making me think its me.

When in reality he’s obviously been an addict for 16 years. Hes got 3 children 2 he sees every 6 week or so and 1 he doesnt see at all. Doesnt pay any maintenance and then has nerve to comment on my parenting and spend his days in bed while my kids watch it.

When his daughters mum left him in 2012 he tried to commit suicide and very nearly died. He has been at very low points before and it’s obviously not enough to stop him because it was only last November he was going out to his van on my drive doing a line of coke then coming back into the house. Its wrecked his life

[icarus-trust]

Hi Louise,

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry to read about the hard time you have had and that you don’t feel that you have had closure.

It’s great that you’ve found this site but if you would like some more support you may like to contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that support people like you who are affected by a partner’s addiction. If you contact us I can put you in touch with one of our trained and experienced people that you could talk with, if you think that it would help you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[louise1505]

Thank you I’ll definitely think about it xx

[Author]

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