[loulou1649]

Hi all,

Im looking for some opinions/advice on my situation and would really appreciate it.

Now if I was to give advice to someone in my situation I would tell them to leave him but I just cant, I am so convinced I can help him and I would always regret not giving it my all. He is my other half, I never thought I could love someone how I love him…am I deluded? Ive never been a loving person but he found a whole new side of me.

The red flags were there, no family, no real friends, could barely hold a job down and his longest relationship previous to me was 3 years. He has a son he doesn’t see from a previous relationship and every relationship ended badly, addicted to cocaine and alcohol. Of course he didnt tell me all this right away.. I fell for him and then had to rescue him. His mom had just passed and he was broken but then I found out from an ex of his 18 months in that his mom cut him off months before whilst she was dying from cancer as he was stealing from her. The ex was very bitter about the relationship so I had to take everything with a pinch of salt and id just had his baby so wasn’t in a good mind frame to be hearing it, but it was me that reached out to the ex as id just found out he had slept with a prostitute whilst on a coke and alcohol bender over christmas…our babys first christmas 🙁

Why would I take him back? Because I was sleep deprived, emotional and because the cocaine benders are every 2-3 months and I knew id have a lovely 2-3 months until the next heartbreak. He has underlying issues and self medicates, he drinks every day and I managed to get him the doctors enough times that they gave him anti depressants in a small dose which helps a lot. Its clear to me he has ADHD but refuses to get the right help. He is the most impulsive person, no day is the same, he cant stick to plans and its why he cant hold a job down. When lifes good he is driven, ambitious and very successful in everything he does, money comes very easily to him as he is a hard worker and is up at the crack of dawn working. He isnt a hands on father and I have 2 children from a previous relationship but he is always there (unless hes on drugs) and provides for us and helps around the house.

He is struggling in his job lately and tonight he is out on the 3rd bender of this month, he wont leave the job, he doesnt want to let everyone down although he could easily leave, money is not an issue it was just a way of him keeping occupied and him and the lads would go to the pub after work. He just lets me and the kids down instead, he will provide coke and booze for all of his drug friends and then be looking for prostitutes all whilst ignoring my calls and messages. He will turn up tomorrow or the day after covered in sick and sweat, paranoid and I will sit with him as he sleeps to make sure he doesn’t choke or have a heart attack and then he will call me constantly to bring him food and drinks and wont leave the bedroom for 2 days, he will say he loves me and im the only person he can trust in this world, he will say he feels awful about what he has done and that he is so sorry and beat himself up so much over it that there is nothing left for me to say.

The anger inside me right now is enough to end the relationship and have a peaceful life but I just know as soon as I see him I will crumble.

What would you do? Ive messaged him saying to just leave the job and get some help but he wont even open the message. I cant sleep, I cant eat, I cant think until hes back. I cant talk to anybody close to me as they wouldnt understand and would make me leave him. Sorry for the essay and any advice is welcome.

[lindyloo]

Hi Lou, welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story with us. Everyone here has a loved one with an addiction.

Reading your story it is clear that you love your partner, you wouldn’t be putting up with it all if you didn’t!

It’s very sad that this evil drug can consume someone’s life and desensitise them to everything and everyone around them. Cocaine is highly addictive and makes them craving for more , and more is never enough. The Adhd is also an issue as I’ve read that there is a strong connection between it and addiction. Something to do with the dopamine levels in the brain.

I recognise the cycle as my son has alcohol and cocaine addictions. The alcohol triggers the need for cocaine.

He is thankfully 9 months clean.

About 2 years ago, he was about to lose everything, his job, his flat, car, us – his family. He admitted he had addiction and went to CA and AA meetings.

He had a few relapses in this time. He had to stop drinking, and stop seeing friends who drink an use.

Every day is a battle for him. But it is easier to support them when they are trying to stop

It’s a case of, Love the Addict, but hate the Addiction. He needed to know that he was loved through it all.

It’s your call here Lou, if you think you can support him through this nightmare. Or give him space to realise he has an issue and wants to seek help for himself. Either way , nothing will change until he himself makes this choice to change. Drugfam and Adfam homepage offer counselling and advice too. You have to take care of you, first and foremost.

I wish you well whatever you choose to do.

Lx ❤️

[donthaveaclue]

Hi ya

I think when children are involved you have to think about the impact witnessing this kind of behaviour and cycle has on them. I’m in a similar position and desperately trying to leave (escape). We also share a little one together. It’s impacting our child now and I feel duty bound to put them first and in doing so I am putting myself first… our child needs a functional parent even if the other parent is completely dysfunctional.

You say that he does this infrequently but later said that this is the third bender this month. One thing it might be worth thinking about is how you’d feel and deal with it if his usage increases. My partner (soon to be ex) went from recreational only when going out to using 4-5 times a week. If he had the means he’d have been using 7 days a week. It’s completely affected and changed his brain. He’s dangerous and unstable.

Another thing to think about is whether you deserve better. Be careful not to enter into a codependant dynamic in this relationship with him. He needs to take responsibility for himself. If he is unwilling to engage with help, then it will be hard for you to move forwards.

[loulou1649]

Thank you Lindyloo and donthaveaclue for your replies.

The ADHD is an issue I want to resolve now and I am going to push for this to be recognised first as it seems the easiest hurdle and after the last few weeks he wants help so its a good time. He has blocked all his drug friends numbers and has also decided to leave the job that was causing him stress so fingers crossed we can make a little progress.

I have told him I will be fine without him and the way he is behaving is pushing me away and he is terrified now of losing us as he has obviously been here many times in the past but at nearly 40 he said he would rather kill himself than start over again as if it cant work with me, it will work with nobody. I have told him I will stick by him as long as we are working together and its not just me picking up the pieces all the time.

He has never been away 3 times in the same month which is why I reached breaking point this time. My kids dont see the worst but can tell if im upset and im quite open with my older boys. They know he has some kind of condition as he is very hyper and they take it in their stride and we make jokes about it and can talk openly about things. He has told them about drugs and dealers and the life he has lived and hopefully by being open they will be resilient to it.

Well done to your son Lindyloo on 9 months clean you must be so proud and im sure your support helped massively.

Im sorry to hear about your partner donthaveaclue and if it got to that stage I wouldnt hang around either it must be awful and he must be like a stranger to you as mine is when he is under the influence. It hurts so much more with children involved too. I wish you all the luck in the world in the future and hopefully losing you both will give him a kick up the backside to get clean x

[donthaveaclue]

Thanks for your reply and kind wishes.

Yes, dealing with the ADHD is a good start. I am currently on the diagnosis pathway myself. The prescription drugs they give people with ADHD have some similarities to the effects of cocaine… or so I was told by my GP. So it may be a key part of the puzzle for your partner. I hope so as if it is then that would be life changing for him.

[whymee]

Lou lou,

Stories like this break my heart! Because I can’t completely relate, I was that person in the relationship that had a massive drink and cocaine problem. I have a well payed job family and friends but thats wasn’t enough for my ex to try and support me! I’ve also got adhd. I lost two of my friends to drugs so I know the pain it causes! It’s good you havent gave up on him, but no one can blame you if you did! I learnt that the hard way my ex cut me out of her life and I hit rock bottom! Took to many codeines because I had given up ruining every great thing in life I touch! I think before you walk away sit down talk to him make it clear you’ll stand by him IF he tries! But if he doesn’t you have to go! I wish I had that option but I never did! And it’s turned my recovery time what could have been 3 months into atleast a year of hardwork on my own! I’m 7 days sober from drink and drugs! But I know I don’t want to be sober I just want to have the control where I drink I don’t binge for days and I don’t want to do cocaine 🙂

[loulou1649]

Thats interesting donthaveaclue, fingers crossed we get somewhere with diagnosing him this time.

Whymee So sorry to hear about what youve been through. Do you mind if I ask are you on prescription drugs for the adhd?

I really wish the best for you and my partner. I wish there was an easier way of getting and staying clean but it seems a massive battle and one that is hard on everyone involved not just the person going through it.

I really want to see this through with my partner but I know I will snap one day and say enough is enough. I just hope it doesn’t get to that.

I wish you all the best.

[lindyloo]

Hi Whymee, welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story and for being so honest.

Congratulations on being 7 days sober! I know from my son’s experience how hard it is in early recovery. He had to completely abstain from alcohol as it triggers the need for cocaine.

He has had to avoid his usual group of Friends as this is a trigger also. The guys who he has met through CA and AA groups are really supportive. They organise weekend events and socialise . It’s just training the brain to a newer, healthier way of living- a new lifestyle choice.

My son has undiagnosed ocd, everything he does it’s 100%. The doc said he could get any counselling until he was 6 months clean. But then there’s a long waiting list unfortunately. I think he has undiagnosed adhd too.

It certainly explains a lot of his rash decisions and disorganisation, accidents in cars etc. and addictions.

I’m sure you’ll find love again and be happy- just be strong, seek support to get through this time.

Take care

Lx

[Author]

Posts