[ffd]

Spose the title of this thread is the brief summary of my life… stop there if ya like Cos I do tend to waffle on once I start and will probably bore ya to death with the long version….

I’m 45 this year a middle age mum with everything someone could appear to need in life a good childhood/upbringing/parents

Ive got a safe warm beautiful home

a kind supportive stable hardworking partner and 2 healthy beautiful kids

I am loved I am blessed I have more to be grateful for than lots of other people in the world yet here I am totally fu*king up my life

I used to smoke weed and go out raving in my teens/early 20s then bout 20 years ago started doing coke

Annnnnd can’t find the inner strength to stop and for some bizarre reason it’s got more out of control in the last ten years or so when my life has been at its most stable and I have every reason in the world to not do it Want it need it or crave it yet I’ve literally got everything I need and yet I’m literally constantly teetering on the edge of losing it all because of what or who I am

I’m not a nice person really I am manipulative sly greedy selfish I lie constantly to hide my secret life and to enable me to facilitate my addiction

We moved town last year I hoped that would help but I’ve managed to excuse the pun sniff out new contacts locally and here I am same old me at odds with myself hating myself but not helping myself and just carrying on my brain being fuelled by trying to find money to get gear finding some gear ticking gear doing gear hating myself for doing gear then next day waking up and going through it all again

I am not a social user I’m a secret user I don’t go out and do it I stay indoors

I hide it well my partner ain’t stupid he knows I’ve got a problem but not any idea just how bad I’ve even got to the point now I can even sit down and eat dinner with him and the kids (even tho I don’t wanna) when I’m on it just to make him think I’m not doing it! That’s how fu*ked up and sky I am!!

I am prob doing it on average 4 times a week most weeks but if I’ve got money it burns a hole in my brain and if I had the access to funds I’d prob do it even more if I ain’t got the money I’m ticking it or I’m devising ways to make the money or lying to get it out my partner cooking the books and basically putting my selfish needs above that of my own family

Don’t get me wrong my kids are looked after loved well turned out and have never gone without but if I didn’t do what i do they’d have even more

I refuse to officially ask for help Cos no way am I having that sh*t on my records no way am I risking losing our kids

I have looked into going to addict meetings but il be honest I’m a snob ya see them standing outside these places “looking” like addicts and I don’t want to be associated with the likes of them!when truth is I am one of them

I don’t believe in counselling I’ve tried it in the past and not found it helpful

So at this point il also mention I’ve got long term physical and mental conditions I’ve been mentally unstable my entire adult life and on long term perscribed meds’ antidepressants painkillers I suffer horrendous pmt hormonal imbalances Depression low self esteem anxiety and binge eat

I get referred to consultants and fobbed off for everything I have self harmed I have been suicidal I’ve recently been assessed by the mental health team but yet again kinda fobbed off with it being hormonal and left to get on with it then I just carry on self medicating and living this miserable life ruled by the cycle of Coke

I look at my kids and hate what I am I look at my hubby and hate what I am they deserve better way better I love them so so so so very much but it’s like my brain loves coke more than it loves them told ya I’d bore ya to death I’m going to stop now Cos my fingers and heads hurting and I’m boring myself now too lol I’m sorry nonidea where all that just come from actually no I do just quickly I have done some tonight as normal then I see the gazza video and it got me thinking how very sad and tragic it was to watch him how vulnerable he looks and how if someone who had that much money and access to help can’t get help he needs what hope has someone like me ever got of beating my demons and my addiction ???? x

[montyclm]

A lot of what you say is very familiar to me as my husband is a cocaine addict, regarding seeing consultants etc if you’re anything like my husband then you’re not telling them about your coke addiction I guess, and without getting the complete picture they won’t be able to help you. My husbands mental health is terrible he has paranoia, physcosis, etc etc on the handful of occasions he hasn’t done coke in the last 9 years all of those issues go practically straight away. I hope you can get some help I really don’t understand the hold coke seems to get on people as it doesn’t even make my husband happy when he has it, like I hear other drugs do.

[ffd]

Hi montyclm

I know it prob sounds stupid and illogical but I can’t admit to it to my gp or the mental health team because I know for fact this sort of stuff stays on ya records and id rather die first than to risk my kids being flagged up or god forbid taken into care because of me and my life choices

I am ashamed of so much of my life and so many things I’ve done but I wanna keep themout of it if that makes sense and admitting it to the gp might not be in their best interests and despite everything bad I am I do want to protect them from me and my problems I’d NEVER hurt my kids god forbid anyone did but if one of them say broke a leg and it was an unexplained injury then they looked into me and it was flagged up that I was a coke head it could very quickly (even tho completely unrelated to my addiction) escalate to being seen as a child protection issue and social services and other agencies getting involved with the kids care (I have not only seen these scenarios first hand as a long term nhs employee til only recently and for seen a similar scenario actually play out with a friends kid that was compleltely crazy she’s been clean for years but still lost them and had to fight tooth and nail to get them back) I can NOT do that to them or my hubby…

I’d rather die than put them through that and that’s what I honestly would prefer for me to drop Dead and him to then eventually go find a lovely new girl to be a better mum for them than i can be even tho it breaks my heart to even think it let alone say it….

[danman83]

Aright mate.. i am exactly the same as you. I have a gf and 4 kids between us both. One each from another relationship. I work hard and again. My kids have everything we need and were going turkey in 5 week.

But my story is.. its been about 8 years once every couple of week i have it. Not as much as you. But that doesnt matter one bit. Ive stopped for a month.. 2 month and 3 month. And sometimes once a week.

I hate the stuff. Its everywere.. moving wont help you? Havent you seen poltergeist? Lol No matter where you go it will follow you. You have be strong as afamily unit.

And its easier said than done. Ive lapsed this weekend. And im absolutely gutted. Im on a comedown and its not shifting i feel so depressed from it. I hate myself for what im doing.

This stuff is everywere.

So when are you getting it? In the morning for the day ahead ? Or at night? How much are you having a week?

What ive learned for to beat it or help.. ill share with you but i cant say nowt since ive lapsed. And you probably know anyway.

But delete all dealers nums out your phone, delete face book and all social media. Dont drink any alcohol.

Change your daily routine around. Read books, yoga, gym, walks. Anything different to your normal routine.

I watch and listen to cocaine recovery stories on you tube and podcast.

Pocket rehab is a great app to download were addicts talk to each other.

Also watch some videos on you tube on louise clarke on crack cocaine part 1 2 3

Shes really helpfull and knows how to beat it and has helped lots of people.

I know what you mean about the kids and that and its a horrible thought. But just dont give up on quitting and stay positive. I hope you sort it. Message me anything if u need to.

[danman83]

I wouldnt even mention out about your kids. Mine have an excellent upbringing. Just leave that out. And get yourself sorted.

[ffd]

Hi danman83

Ya know what I have read through quite a few threads and seen your name pop up a few times and was kinda hoping that you would see mine and comment so firstly hello and thank you

I saw on another one you recommended that Louise Clark lady and listened to her the other night as I went to sleep it takes a while to get used to how fast she talks kinda frazzled my brain a bit lol but she obviously knows what she is talking about and now I will continue to listen to the series thank you For recommending it and I will get that pocket app downloaded later too

Thank you for your kind words you sound like a decent bloke and I’m so sorry your struggling too and had a wobble this weekend

I’m pretty sure you will get back on track you sound pretty determined to beat this crap

I’ve also found a few “bearing boy addiction hypnosis podcasts” on sound cloud which obviously have had no effect what so ever on me but may work for you lol

I’ve got no contacts on social media tbh 99.9%of my friends have no idea bout my dirty secret and would be pretty disgusted with me if they knew

I’ve tried deleting numbers works to a point but I know where to find them so end up cracking and just going where I know to go

I tend to buy when I have the money available be it Morning noon or night so there’s no set pattern there as such

I am actually very creative and since giving up ft work few years ago I have been quite successful at selling my art online I do try to keep myself busy and not to think about it but it just gets in my head and nags away at me I just feel like a lost cause lol

I just can’t believe I’ve let it do this to me all the time I smoked weed and used to go out doing pills raving I was literally the last person I knew to try coke

Everyone else used to do it and I was always not against it as such but just didn’t appeal to me I wish I’d stuck to that mind set

I honestly thought I’d never give up weed I used to smoke shit loads of the stuff from the minute I woke up Til the minute I went to bed thinking bout it when I was still smoking I didn’t do gear not even half as much as I do now I could go months between seshs but as I say last ten years since I stopped smoking that it’s juat spiralled into stupidity

I wish there was a magic cure that could mend my brain and re wire it to be normal I don’t Wanna live like this but then it’s only me making myself do it so I dunno arrrghhh sorry lol I’m waffling On again x

[ffd]

Just read that back and my stupid fat fingers lol it’s posed to say BEATING ADDICTION HYPNOSIS POSCASTS lol ffs

[danman83]

Dont worry about waffling on.. it helps people and me. I use be bad on weed aswell. I.always said id never do coke.. then 26 year old i 1st had it.

I know what u mean about hiding and deleting nums it doesnt work. I wish if i didnt have kids. I could just go to 1 of these scottish islands and stay there for 6 month and help a farmer free of charge for a bed. And just beat it that way. Away from everyone.

Have u listened to alan charles.. he had a coke addiction for.24 year. And hes beat it.

[thistim3]

Thank you, Danman83, for mentioning Alan Charles. After watching some of his youtube videos and writings online – I have ordered his book. Your honesty and insights are invaluable here.

[danman83]

Ive thought the same.. i wish i could start my life again. The best advice i can give some one regarding coke. Is dont ever try it full stop.

I think i might try a hypnotist after my holiday. Ill try anything. I still feel down from friday. How often do you have it?

[mollie24]

This is totally same as my problem and life is . I joined here last night can’t believe how many are stuck in same place in life and want out. I replied to few posts, read so much people have posted. Sort of feel not alone now. But it’s hard to stop having it but I hate what doing to me.

[danman83]

Are you still doing it mol?

[want-to-stop-but-can]

This story is almost mirror image to my own…..im at a stage now where I am exhausted doin it sometimes but still can’t stop….

[danman83]

How often are you doing it?

[want-to-stop-but-can]

Sometimes every day sometimes 4 5 times a week

[danman83]

So how much are you spending on it?? Do you really want to stop? What have u tried to?

[want-to-stop-but-can]

The amount i spend is insignificant n yes I do want to stop ….

[danman83]

Hey georga.. i just landed.. turkey was great… way too hot for me tho hahha. Im burnt all over. But downfall was the hotel beer. They was only putting a tiny bit of gin in the gin and tonics. And others.

[georgia26]

I’m gonna go to Turkey in September, bet it was nice to just chill though. Is there loads of snide clothes out there haha. I followed you on IG. Not that I use it. Glad you had a nice time though, did it feel safe out there x

[danman83]

Ye every shop is snide haha.. they wont let you leave the shop till you buy something haha. There funny tho.

You hear all them stories about they love blonde hair kids and all that crap. Its all bullshit. They was great the turkish people. Really friendly. There is a lot of russians they are really rude and shove people out the way. But i guess it depends were you go. We went to antalaya but marmaris i think its called is suppose to be great. And a lot better. We stayed mainly on the complex and there is security so it was safe. My cousins apartment got robbed in turkey. But it can happen anywere really.

I know lol and after seeing your pic no wonder he decided to stop doing that when you packed your bags hahah x

[georgia26]

Ooo exciting – i go on the 27th Sept, i hope its still hot then.

my post got deleted on here – maybe i was a bit harsh, i was in a bad mood that day lol – maybe i shouldn’t go into counselling after all

im glad you liked it, i am going all inclusive, only for 5 days though – need another break. Time goes so quick.

I get paranoid cos of all the shit going on in the world – maybe thats narrow minded of me?! but i do get paranoid but im sure itll be fine.

hahaha thanks – hes still not doing it, hasnt relapsed at all.. but i wont hold my breath Dan as when i relax my life comes crashing down lol x

[hox]

Glad you had a great time Dan.

Yeah they do like blonde hair we went with friends. ‘Husband’ was gonna thump one of the waiters for touching me, he didn’t go anywhere near my mate she’s a red head lol. I couldn’t go anywhere by myself. Never again. That was fifteen years ago, they could have evolved since then.

[danman83]

Haha… it wasnt like that when i was there.. but it was a bit quiet. We all loved it but we wouldnt go again.. think we are just going to stick to spain from now on lol

[danman83]

Ye course it will still be hot.. was 35 degrees when i was there for a few days.

I wouldnt worry about it haha i thought.. shes having a rant here lmao..

I think a week is more than enough anyway. I get way too bored. My gf just wants sit by the pool and i hate it. I get so bored and just want to go for a mooch.

Were abouts are you going? Well its good hes not relapsed. I wanted to stay in turkey away from it all. I think if its near you, thats why you get it because you no you can.

How many horses have you got? You dont look the type that has a horse lol dont take that in a bad way lol x

[hox]

Dunna blame ya. Viva Espana.

[georgia26]

oh god, im glad im dark then i think i look a bit like a turk so i will be ok haha

how you been since youve been back Dan? have you craved coke at all? where is your head at with it? x

[danman83]

Ive been good thanks..not had out.. i wouldnt say ive craved it , but just thinking things like… do i want to get some? How do i feel about getting some.. its hard to explain really…its sort of like im testing myself to see if im ok. And at that moment when i was.. i was just telling myself.. what do i want that stuff for.. all the negatives of the drug was winning in my head. Which is great. Im going deep into it hahha sorry lol..

But ye im not craving it.. back in the gym twice a day now.. at work at night im doing hiit training and the day im doing weights. IM eating healthy again, and i dont at all feel like having it. 4 week it is now. So i really want to build on this. If my gf goes out. Im just going to stay in. 🙁

[seanpaxson]

Try out Ibogaine, its natural and will be of great help to cut his addiction.

In the modern world, ibogaine is becoming popular as an effective treatment of addiction and withdrawal symptoms. It has been used to help people addicted to substances such as opioids, cocaine, amphetamines and alcohol.

Amazing story about micro dosing Ibogaine. Wave bye bye to your habit, no muss, no fuss…

wickr; changshung for more details.

[danman83]

I take it your making money out of this??

[seanpaxson]

I am helping people recover bro, I have helped a lot of people in the US, Australia and some parts of Europe like France, Germany and recently Holland.

My cousin suffered this same effect and I had to seek for solution before I felt on this guy. I can’t give his name and details here, but his ibogaine therapy is real good…

[danman83]

Ive looked it up… says you can trip off it lol

Some have died from it. Were can you buy?? Some people have said it works.

[lostallcontrol]

Hi you sound like my identical twin !!

[djgarth]

My life is different. Im 32 still living with my mam. I dont go out mutch but have had contacts for coke now I can finish work on wekend morning go get my beers, have some sleep wake up and phone a dealer. Next thing im drinking a few beers by myself before my mam comes home from work when she goes to bed I get out my coke.

[bulldog]

Yes, I’m still here. Pretty much new here myself.

[alice1001]

Yep just joined

[libertas]

Dear Ffd,

You sound like you know yourself very well and you probably know what you need to do to make your life better. You appreciate everything you have but then contradict this by using. This is essentially your ego saying you will be able to deal with it. I assume sniffing until you can’t sniff any longer, nose blocked, blood, numb gumming, looking at the floor for bits that may be what you think they are after you’ve run out, licking the wrapper, Your high comes crashing down followed by deep remorse the dread of what have I done. You’re smart enough to realize what your doing but can’t for the life of you pack it in. You also must know the outcome, this can’t carry on for ever. You have two choices, keep going and let it take everything you have away from you, your loved ones, your health and sanity or somehow deep inside somewhere just somewhere there is a strength buried inside you that has the capability of putting this terrible addiction to bed. You know there is a better version of you, be her!

[evieb]

I’m not the intended receiver for this response…. however Ffd’s original post resonated with me so much. I’m new here & trying to find my may back to my better life! Whilst EVERYTHING you said is 100% correct, (& I can only speak for myself), but I exactly think, feel & want all you said & it sounds so black & white…. but then the grips of addiction play with your mind & make you not think like yourself! ????

[libertas]

Hello EvieB,

I know it’s easier said than done and I know it’s also possible for willpower to keep addiction at bay for short periods or longer periods, a few months maybe a year. This is the danger. The fact is that you’re seeking some answers some affiliation and confirmation to what you’re going through. This could be an initial step to setting yourself free and seeking an alternative route. You have to try and identify the triggers of how and when you tell yourself it’s acceptable to relapse. You have all the answers inside you. Don’t let the past haunt you or tempt you. When you’re feeling vulnerable take one day at a time, let the days turn to weeks the weeks to months and then further onto years. Don’t harm yourself EvieB believe you can do it! you’re worth more and deserve better than that in this life.

[evieb]

Thank you.

Did you, or anyone else on here take part in any type of programme to help change your life & quit… I.e 12 steps etc?

Thanks in advance

[libertas]

I can’t speak for anyone else here but I tried CA a couple of times many years ago. It wasn’t for me. I felt the need to have one to one intellectual and emotional expression based on my experiences but could never find anyone to speak to. The group intro followed by the tea break at the end felt rushed and unproductive for my needs. It left me feeling confused. On the other hand an old friend was involved in a CA rehab abroad then came back to continue his journey and has been sober for 13 years or so. I couldn’t handle the commitment of the meetings but see how they can help others. For me the being truthful to myself and finding liberation through my personal efforts has given me a great sense of freedom. You can’t change the past but you can influence what happens next in your life.

[evieb]

Ahhhh… finally someone baring all & being so real. I wish I could speak privately to you, I don’t know the rules as I’m new here but pretty certain that’s not allowed.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, I know how that feels. I’m just not quite ready to be as out publicly yet!! ????????x

[evieb]

Thank you.

Did you, or anyone else on here take part in any type of programme to help change your life & quit… I.e 12 steps etc?

Thanks in advance

[evieb]

Thank you.

Did you, or anyone else on here take part in any type of programme to help change your life & quit… I.e 12 steps etc?

Thanks in advance

[libertas]

I can’t speak for anyone else here but I tried CA a couple of times many years ago. It wasn’t for me. I felt the need to have one to one intellectual and emotional expression based on my experiences but could never find anyone to speak to. The group intro followed by the tea break at the end felt rushed and unproductive for my needs. It left me feeling confused. On the other hand an old friend was involved in a CA rehab abroad then came back to continue his journey and has been sober for 13 years or so. I couldn’t handle the commitment of the meetings but see how they can help others. For me the being truthful to myself and finding liberation through my personal efforts has given me a great sense of freedom. You can’t change the past but you can influence what happens next in your life.

[laylab1]

Hi Ftb, came across your post and wondering how are you doing?

[jacs]

Hi OMG I could have wrote you message please please please believe me you are not alone im exactly the same I know it doesn’t help much but I carnt help coz I carnt help myself I have tried everything nothing stops me when I get craving even though I know all the vile negatives about what Im doing or about to there are NO positives anymore and with a horrible comedown that can never be avoided getting worse unbearable torture for hours and hours you would think that would stop you. I’m 53 been using cocaine since 1 was about 25 nearly 30 years on and off for months even a year I didn’t i could stop whenever I wanted it didn’t really rule and control me then it was fun. I omitted to myself two years ago I had a problem about 3 times aweek but £200 every time when I tried to stop it got worse I couldn’t in those two years get passed 10 days and that was only couple of times I wanted every 3 days I know you will relate to this the day after a binge and comedown you think and tell yourself I’m never doing that to myself anymore and if not next day definitely day after you do it all again

The self loath disgust and guilt you felt days before not enough to stop the same pattern of stupid vile childish behaviour happening again I tried AA meetings hypnosis changing phone number started swimming nothing stopped me that’s how I went for two years had really horrible until something happened that I never thought would I went on another level and started taking everyday when I woke up first thing I did got to point so I could function I new was in trouble but just couldn’t stop I think the perfection excuse was if I did it in daytime when my boyfriend and 21 year old son weren’t home then stop about when they got in so they would not know ???????????????? stupid thinking of a coke head i look alright ???? even though I was shaking and leg doing weird things (that use to be funny) this went on for 3 months until two weeks ago I’ve got it back to 3 times a week

Unbelievable I’m not Sick doing that amount I deserve to be.

Even knowing I on the edge of loosing everything and my self respect I still cannot stop this thing is controling my life daily and always that vile shite wins help

[harry123]

I know exactly how you feel I’ve sabotage every part of my life taking coke got to the point where I was taking it every day sat on my own peeking through curtains hearing noises thinking my door is gona get kicked off It makes me sick how many times I’ve had to cancel having my kids because Ive been sniffing all night and I’m laid in bed and know there’s no way I could look after them and I know I shouldn’t do it but I Carnt stop myself I say I’ll just have one line and thats it but it never is I’ve lost my family and partner due to coke and lieing about taking it now my life is just so sad I’ve been in this coke cycle for 2 years now where I hate myself wana die hope to fix my life then back doing it the next day if I was you I would speak to your partner and tell him how bad it is and that you need his help don’t risk loosing them like I lost mine as the regret I have knowing I chose coke over my family just destroys you

[cdantro]

Hi – I’m totally the same as you. My habit doesn’t stop my kids or wife having a good life, but it’s just got to the point it’s a regular part of my life. It’s stupid, I know that and sounds like you do, but it’s so easy to get hold of and loads of people do it ! I’d love to say something really insightful, but for me, I genuinely think it won’t stop until I hit a point when I think it has to (this isn’t what I want but I’m being honest )!

Hope you are ok and keep the updates going as it helps and it helps me!

[lou37]

You sound like me,I’m 37 and the exact same as you. Well I was,my husband found out and left me for a month,I stopped taking it,went to counselling and I’m 12 weeks clean now.

[Author]

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