[pitta700]

My wife died just over five weeks ago, leaving myself and 4 young kids. We were together almost 16 years and her alcoholism developed in an obvious way between 4 and 5 years ago. So we had ten good years together and then there was the change with all the stress and heartache and her change of personality etc etc. When she died she hadn’t been drinking for a year or more, but she wasn’t in recovery, and was still misusing and probably dependent on over-the-counter painkillers.

What has really blindsided me is, now that she’s gone, how intensely I’m suddenly grieving for the beautiful vibrant woman I fell in love with, married and had wonderful early years together with. That person slipped away from us several years ago now – why didn’t I spend time whilst she was still alive poring over old the photos, thinking about our past together, and remembering how special she was to me? I feel like if I had done that before it was too late, I could have stayed more in touch with my love for her, shown her more compassion when things were at their worst. I know it wouldn’t have made a difference to her outcome, but I would feel better now.

I never stopped loving her and I stayed faithful to her through thick and thin. I never threatened to leave her because I knew I wouldn’t. But still I wasn’t very affectionate or loving towards her much in the last few years as I was mostly just frustrated with what she was doing to herself, or on edge waiting mistrustfully for the next thing to happen.

Is this common or usual when you’ve lost your partner to addiction? It’s like mourning two people at once – the one that you’re secretly a little relieved to be freed from, and the one that you remember from before and suddenly feel like you can’t live without even though that was the furthest thing from your mind right up until they were gone?

[jamesb]

Hi mate, I’m so sorry to read everything you have been through and from your post I can see how decent and loving of a man you are. I may not be the best person to reply to this as I on my story was the addict but I have through my addiction suffered the loss of both parents, my nan, an unborn child so the grief side of things I understand.

Like any loss you’re always going to question if you could have done more, spent more time with them, told them more often how much you loved them and also regret things you know you have done like the withdrawal of affection etc but the reality is, no one ever knows what is round the corner and you should hold no guilt for the way you lived your life with her. Although you feel guilt for not being more loving in the last few years due to her addiction, you still stood by her and was faithful and I am sure you did offer some level of support.

The feeling of possible guilt towards feeling like a weight has lifted now you don’t have to deal with her addiction is also nothing to be ashamed off. Alot of people feel similar when a parent who has something like dementia passes because they had to spend so much of their energy caring for them and on the face of it that parent was no longer there because they didn’t even recognise them when caring for them. The relief you are feeling shows me just how much you did for your wife right until the end and you need to know that deep down despite her addiction she would have appreciated you and everything you did for her and your family.

Addiction is one of the most destructive illnesses a family can face as it brings into question the very core values of a relationship like trust, respect, and companionship because these are the things an addict is striped of being able to offer their partner when suffering so missing the person she was before that is always going to be tough.

 

If I can tell you anything and of course my advise means nothing but allow yourself to feel and grieve in what ever way it comes to you, please don’t blame yourself for anything as none of this is your fault but try to find comfort in knowing that her addiction was never the person she truly was but instead something that happend to her and through out it all she still loved you the same she always did even when the addiction didn’t allow her to express that.

Focus on passing on your loving values to your children and know that she is no longer suffering and is watching over you proudly as the father you are now and she will be forever grateful for everything you did for her and still do for your children.

 

I hope that makes some kind of sense and mate if you want to talk more just let me know.

 

Stay strong man

 

Love. James x

[pitta700]

Thanks so much for taking the time to make that thoughtful reply. Now that I’ve come back to check, I realise I should have posted this in the bereavement section – sorry!

Your words make a lot of sense – particularly the part about companionship having been damaged by the illness – that was definitely the case and she went from being my closest friend to being more like a stranger whose mind was always elsewhere. It’s comforting in a way to think that this is a shared experience rather than just something that went wrong with our relationship. She took unwell and died very rapidly, there was no time for any final conversations, and I only hope that she didn’t die thinking that she was unloved, even though neither of us had really been able to express it for a long time.

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