[sadmom23]

I am struggling to cope with my daughters drug addiction. She lives with me and my husband, her step father. Three years ago it all came to light that she was using cocaine and had been smoking cannabis regularly. It was very traumatic at the time and I subsequently had a breakdown, she lived her father and step mum for a while and started receiving help and support from a local charity. Everything appeared to be going really well so she asked to come back home to live, which she did. Six months on from her moving back home it transpired that she was heavily in debt and still regularly using. My instincts told me she was still at it so I forced it out of her, when I found out, I didn’t know what to do as my husband always said he would kick her out if she was doing it again. But I didn’t have the courage to tell him and proceeded to try and support her with it on my own. Six months along and it’s absolutely killing me, but I’m too afraid to let my husband and family know what’s happened. She just tells me what she thinks I want to hear and is full of bullshit and is manipulative, I feel cornered now as I have tried to protect her in the hope she would improve. I literally feel like the only way out for me is to take my own life. People I work with know what I’m going through and I also see someone from a charity but I get differing opinions in what I should do, some say she needs love and understanding etc, some say tell my family and let her feel ashamed. It’s all too much for me, please help.

[retroheadz]

Hey Sadmom23, firstly, please let me reassure you that you are not alone in this and I especially understand what you are going through in some kind of way. Please take a breath for a moment and put that “life taking” on hold until you can understand a few things. Your daughter has been gripped by an evil drug and this drug like most drugs I guess makes you lie, cheat and stop at nothing to get that result! In a kind of way She will care of nothing but that feeling of euphoria. This is clearly affecting you as a person and that needs to stop ???? your daughter needs STRONG help and you can’t give it to her so don’t try. If you can’t feel you can tell your husband then tell your daughter this is her only option. 1: get help immediately from your local addiction centre and include compulsory testing. DO NOT sacrifice yourself for something that can be fixed. I would really hope that you can find that final bit of strength to change what is happening in your family circle because this is not your fault! Please find the courage to tell your story because keeping it under the radar is unhealthy for everyone. Yes, it will cause crying but it’s the only way. I promise you. Please

[sadmom23]

Thank you Retroheadz, some days I feel stronger and more able to tackle it, but others I can’t cope. I want to believe her when she says she wants to have a different life and I think she believes it too, she has a support worker and sees a counsellor. I’m being patient and understand the cycle of change etc but I just lose my way sometimes and find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m struggling to instil boundaries, she is 20. I am going to have to give her either an ultimatum or a timescale for change as I don’t want to cause my family and husband more distress.

[retroheadz]

I’m glad you have said all that to be honest. I believe her too and I don’t know her! but the codeine is so unforgiving and it makes you lie to the people you love the most. Time scales are definitely a good move and I can’t insist enough that if you don’t set out some kind of agenda then she will manipulate the situation with expertise. Anyone I have every spoken to who is addicted to codeine is a master of manipulation I’m afraid. To really break the cycle you need to give her it “all on a plate” ultimatum and timescale for change. I can tell your not in a great place but she’s 20yrs old and easily fixable without a doubt. With the correct support and pressure she will kick it. It would be interesting to know what level she’s at with codeine/others/smoke. I’m sure it’s tough for you and I genuinely feel your pain and opening up to family can be you last stop. Don’t let her take you down though! Your purpose in life is to enjoy what time you have left with minimal pain so take her to task in the most loving but aggressive way you can. Stay strong and focused but don’t trust her until you seen the results. Remember that it’s not your fault.

[sadmom23]

It’s cocaine she does but recently she’s been doing more cannabis instead to try and curb the craving for cocaine apparently, but like I say I don’t know what to believe really. She has held down a full time job the whole time this has been going on which is another reason why it’s quite difficult, her behaviour is relatively ‘normal’ and doesn’t cause any bother with it really. It’s just for me, knowing everything is so painful because I want her stop and also the financial implications are a big worry, trying to minimise the damage is a struggle. We are at the stage of helping her to manage her bills etc with a weekly allowance for spending, but if she runs out she’ll just borrow and that’s when we run into more problems.

[cmxx]

Dear Sadmom23,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. As Retroheadz has said, it is really really important that you get support for yourself.

It is particularly important that you seek support when/if you are feeling suicidal. The Samaritans run a 24hour helpline on 116 123. They don’t judge or tell you what to do, just listen and support.

Best wishes,

CMXx

[sadmom23]

Thank you, I have tried everything though, I can’t see a solution. All I know is don’t like her at the moment and I don’t even want to be a part of it anymore.

[retroheadz]

Morning Sadmon23, Cocaine is obviously addictive and I have good solid experience with it sadly. But, it’s not as addictive as smoking and with effort and support she can easily dismiss it. She needs to want to do it and it sounds like she just doesn’t. It’s a horribly expensive drug and very destructive so at 20yr old she is fixable though. I’m afraid you are taking all this responsibility on your own and that needs to stop. PLEASE consider changing your approach with her.???? I really wish I could be sat In front of you and share your pain. Nothing can really help when we are this dark. I wish and hope you can switch directions with her and try a different approach. Sometimes when other people see that you are acting different they tend to listen. I’m not saying that you don’t love her but be very direct with her! Take her into a new environment and give her a last options and an ultimatum. If any of the counselling and supporting groups have had no affect within 12 weeks then I’m afraid she’s not taking it in and she needs to switch gears! If you haven’t already talk to your own doctors or one that will listen and tell them everything! everything! Ask if they can help. Please stay strong. ???? your daughter will always continue to take Cocaine as long as she is given the platform to do so. Sad but true ????

[sadmom23]

Retroheadz, it is sad but true and I know it, which is what makes my predicament so difficult. If I tell my family, everyone’s lives will be torn apart again, especially hers and mine, I could potentially face a broken marriage which I really don’t want. I’ve tried to talk to her today but she’s not in the stage of the cycle where she is wanting change, I’ve kinda told her I can’t carry on like this and that’s it’s not fair on everyone and pointed to the fact she can’t live with me longer term if things don’t change. She was pretty unresponsive and said ‘I don’t know what you want me to say’ this doesn’t feel like her talking as we’ve had stages where she’s been desperate for my help. As awful as this is I almost want something to happen so that everyone will find out but that it hasn’t come from me, I can’t cope with the guilt of not telling, but I can’t cope with the guilt if I do. I feel so desperate, the days are getting harder and more unbearable and I’m hanging onto life by a thread.

[retroheadz]

I understand, and I understand she’s not wanting change and that’s what all addicts say! She doesn’t want disruption to her addiction and will do anything to prevent it. Your really never going to fix this on your own because you don’t sound strong enough emotionally. Your priority at the moment is YOU and your health so do whatever you need to do and whatever it takes to keep it together. All this is easy for me to say and impossible for you to actually do but you really sound desperate! I don’t know how old you are but I’m sure you remember the happy time? Removing and fixing bad things in your life is difficult and can often be seen as selfish but sometimes you need to make massive changes for the good. I’m sure you visited this site for something and often people get the courage from the strangest places so don’t give up! Try and think of yourself, it’s hard Sadmom23! ????

[sadmom23]

I don’t think I am strong enough emotionally to do anything at the moment, I’m literally just trying to get through each day as best I can. My husband, I don’t think has a clue, he knows i suffer from depression and take medication for it but doesn’t seem to have noticed that I am a shadow of my former self. I’m 47 by the way and came to this site to find someone to talk to really and hope that other parents can relate to the same issues as me. You’ve all helped lots and given me honest opinions, but also some hope and whilst I have hope, I will carry on doing the best I can.

[retroheadz]

47.. your a blossoming flower my dear! Listen, whatever you do don’t give up. If Just surviving is your only option at the moment then make sure you do that and don’t let it beat you. X

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