[j1981]

Hi all,

We’re to start….I found out last year that my partner was using crack cocaine. This was following many months of stresses on the family and relationship. I went through the normal processes of thinking he was having an affair, I wasn’t good enough, why did he not want to spend time with me or our children, why did he want to be away from us all the time…night after night etc… I even was put on sick leave from work and ended up being medicated for anxiety and depression. He still did not let me know what was going on and would make on it was all in my head, however when it all come to light a year ago after I found paraphernalia in his car and confronted him he broke down as did I… he admitted he has been using for many years unknown to me, when I would work nights he would do it etc.. he said it’s a secret society, lots of people do it! He was still functioning although lost lots of jobs…made on this was due to being contracted for work and I always believed him. Anyway he owed peo0e money we paid that I supported him and we tried again. In January he relapsed and assaulted me, police and social services were involved ( I’ve been with him since we were 13 and we are now 40) it breaks my heart. He left and we eventually tried again after 6 weeks he was not using and I was testing him, he soon went back though and the arguments, paranoia and nastiness started again. He will sleep all day after being out and using and his moods fluctuate. Last week after showing he has sustained from using again for two weeks he took me out, we had a ice time had a meal and drinks, however later when home he switched, he wanted his pipe and was so intoxicated his keys for the car were hidden for his and others safety, his mother had to come to the home, my youngest son fled the home (15) as he was vile, damaging property, making nasty comments to his mother and me eventually he left and used. He was sorry yet again….but I’ve had enough! I can’t take no more and our boys are fed up of it, they know he had some kind of addiction but we have not disclosed the nature of his addiction it would destroy them. Just need to vent and hoping there is light at the end of this dark tunnel xxx

[outofideas]

I know how you feel. It’s the lying, the secrets, the disappearing and the empty promises. Am in the same boat. I thought the birth of our baby would change things, would give him a new perspective but unfortunately this isn’t the case. He even went on a binge the day our baby was born and was trying to deny it. Eventually he admitted it, but to me that is just something that I hope our child will never find out.

My partner is the most loving person when he has a clear head but can turn into a right a*hole once he used a bit. And it doesn’t take long for him to get to the “f**k it” stage and go on a mad one. It doesn’t help that all his mates are on it as often as they can and they take advantage of him and make him get the gear for all of them.

I know it is an illness, but I made it clear right from the beginning of our relationship that I have zero tolerance when it comes to drugs. I did not know how bad it was until we moved in together. Many sleepless nights, lots of crying and begging on my part, trying everything to help him but still nothing. I feel like I tried everything. We to counselling with him, was angry and shouting at him, was supporting, helping him, was understanding, etc. As soon as I started to trust him a little bit something happened and he was using again. For me this is the worst part, that I can’t trust him. “Just popping out to wash the car”, “just going for a drive as I need a bit of me time” etc.

Does your partner promise to be better, to change and not use anymore? And turn into a nasty person who you don’t even recognise when he is on it? It’s like they have two personalities.

I hope things will get better for you as it is horrible to deal with this when you have children involved as well. Stay strong for your children and take care of yourself.

[j1981]

As above xxx

[j1981]

Hi @Outofideas

Everything you Sha resonates with me, I’m so anti drug and I’m a nurse which makes it worse as I see the effects following misuse if substance and what it can lead too..

.he knows this and says that why he hid it for so long. But he is always making excuses ..going for drive, washing his van or car then disappears for hours, he cut ties with his friends but now he does it alone in his vehicle god knows where at …I think he goes on the back roads out of the way but he loses hours. He is aggressive when craving it, he is faking happiness without it, when he is happy or sad he uses and says he just feels like it and there is no reasoning, he feels bad after but at the time he does not care and like you say he flips the fck it switch x

Our boys are older but all at home and I don’t want them seeing him like this and living this life, it’s affecting their education and they don’t want to spend Halloween or anything with him due to his actions.

I’m so sorry your having such a horrid time too …it just breaks your heart when you have tried but when do we say enough is enough….I find me thinking do I need this, want this, do I love him anymore? He has done so many things and told so many lies I feel I’m starting to despise him. The paranoia is insane also and I’m certain he has suffered from some hallucinations and psychosis due to this drug use x

Hope you take care … you need to think about you and your little one, how many more broken promises can we take…my partner has a heart of gold and when it’s good it is great but he is like a jacyl and Hyde and I don’t know who I’m going to get …this makes me anxious xx

[outofideas]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this as well and your poor boys. I have told my partner to have a serious think about what he wants to do with his life, how he wants our son to remember him and his childhood: does he want our son to say when he is grown up that yeah daddy had some issues but he worked hard and overcame his demons or that daddy had some issues and was drinking and doing drugs all the time until mummy had enough and got us out of this situation and now I don’t even know if my daddy is dead or alive as I want nothing to do with him. I know it does sound harsh but when you are desperate to talk some sense into someone you do say anything.

I also suggested that we moved to a different area, try to get him away from the dealers and the “friends”. But to be honest with you, I am not sure it would make much of a difference. He is saying that it would, however I know that if he wants to find “like minded friends” and find some gear, he will be successful as he is a bubbly outgoing chap.

He admits now that he is struggling with the fact that if he hasn’t used for a while, he gets confident even over confident and thinks that he is fine, he can go out with his mates, he can have a few drinks or even get drunk and not use. And maybe the first time he can, and this boosts his confidence even more. But the next time the drug always gets him. Plus it doesn’t help that his mates are kind of offering it to him every opportunity they can: oh go on, just one line, the missus won’t know. But the missus isn’t stupid, she knows the signs and even if I don’t say anything, I know he has used.

At the moment I am hopeful. He is focusing on other areas of his life, his work, family so maybe this time we can move forward. He does tell me all the time that he wants to stop, he has done his time with coke, but it’s such a common drug and it is a demon, a very sly drug that gets you when you least expect it.

I hope for you and for your boys that your other half will see how much pain he is causing you and the kids, how he is destroying everything you have built together. Take care of yourself and am here to talk if you need x

[j1981]

Thank you I really hope things work out for you and your partner I really do….I’ve tried so hard these last months but it’s never ending, he can be so good for a while then slips. I know drinking is associated with it and makes him weak, we have decided to separate it makes me sad as I love him but I know it’s the best thing to do as things aren’t going to change in our situation and it’s impacting on all of us in a negative way x

He is out now….I know he is using again, multiple lighters, different ones daily, or gas gone from them. It’s sad that I can’t help him with no amount of words or love x

[gil]

Hi this sounds oh so familiar! The aggression is definitely a craving I thought also but I find when he doesn’t have it he drinks ALOT! Jack and Hyde for sure and treading on eggshells… it’s awful. I think we’re all in the same boat you love them for the glimpse that you see when normal but that doesn’t last. ????

[j1981]

That’s so true ….. it really does change a person. We have now separated however he still lives here he went to a caravan for. A few days but then lockdown happened again and the site closed down, so he is here he has been out Friday and again Sunday and walked in at 8 this morning just using the house as a place to nap and eat the day after it’s so hard for me And the boys, I feel stuck he won’t get help, he says he will but never does he is so in denial I’m fearful I will find him dead or he will eventually hurt me as he can’t temper what he does when under influence of drink or drugs. It is scary. I have family to speak to which is good but they don’t fully understand and get frustrated about it all….but it’s hard we have a lot of history, it makes me sad now cos I know there is no going back, I’ve tried and it’s failed and things are getting worse, sometimes you can’t help people and walking away may help him or may cause him to fall further but I can’t be responsible for that…not to sound selfish I have to think about me and the boys x

I’m hoping he finds a new home soon I really don’t want to find him dead on the sofa…but it feels like that’s how things will end if he keeps going…he is spending copious amounts and was grey this morning when he eventually walked in and obv did not go to work again!

[nelsall]

Im experiencing something similiar- my partner (ex?) was using crack- I didn’t even know what it was I’ve never been round drugs in my life and he has assaulted me, damaged my car, accused me of climbing out of windows to go sleep with his neighbours, just one crazy thing after another- we now have a court case looming too because of what he has done when using- all from the side effects and paranoia he suffers. Anyway he had stopped (as far as I can tell for maybe a few months) but then I found a telltale spoon hidden the other day in a cupboard and I’ve now left him. Im heartbroken as I love him so much but I cant stand the lies, the fear, the worry about what will trigger him to start again which can be anything from boredom to “not trusting me” which he has zero reason not to. I just don’t know what to do- he has rang me 100x today and I’ve ignored every one as I cant bear to speak to him- I found out the day he used to looked online various sites to “hook up” which he is again denying although I can see the google searches in black and white. I just don’t know what to do- is my life always going to be like this- total doubts, wondering where he is if he goes offline, counting spoons in drawers? does anyone have any honest advice as im heartbroken crying and feeling like an utter mug right now xx

[outofideas]

Well, my other half is doing cocaine but as far as I know he doesn’t do crack.

I too was accused of cheating, he always brings up my past whenever he is high. I admit I did go through a lot when I was young and my previous relationships weren’t the best either. But that is in the past. When he is clean, he knows what bs he was talking, he knows I would never cheat on him, but as he says: “when am on that s**t I say anything, I don’t think right.”

We did have a few discussions recently about his using and he admitted that he really wants to stop this time. He is also watching self help videos, testimonies, reading up on how to stop and what stages he has to overcome to get better. I really do hope he will get his act together as I have told him that this is it for me now. I do not want to go into another year with him using and I certainly not going to tolerate any more rubbish from him now that we have a baby. I am trying to stay positive and believe that he wants to change but I am petrified as he has lied to me so many times in the past.

[j1981]

I’m sorry to hear that your going through this, it’s so hard when you love them and have history but they are not the same person when under the influence. I too have suffered the nights of paranoia, him standing in corners o bedroom at night walking me to ask me stupid questions. Or looking at cctv and accusing me of moving the angles as I must have people in the home when he is not here…or when working nurse duties at night that I was cheating …I even changed my job to day hours to benefit us…nothing seems to work. I’ve been with him since we were 13 we have three beautiful children and he admits he does it when he is happy or when he is sad that there is not reasoning for it ….this just makes me sad …it was the final straw last week when he smashed the house up. He is now waiting for a rental property which I’m hoping happens soon, but I told him he needs to seek help…because I am clearly not able to help him as he relapses all the time x

I really hope your ok and if need to chat I’m head to listen xx

[nelsall]

Hi there, unfortunately I found yet more drug paraphernalia last Friday morning and made the decision to leave. He sent me messages all day saying I had drilled holes in walls and put spy cameras in his home and had moved things like a curtain. he then went quiet and ive since found out he was arrested and is now likely to be remanded or sentenced. im beyond heartbroken but still now he will not admit he used (even though im absolutely positive he did) or also that his going crazy are my fault for leaving and therefore not “controlling him”. Its beyond me as he is lovely and thoughtful and kind when he can not use but the stress of looking around the house, wondering where spoons are going, where is his money going, scaring me etc is just too much.

just so so sad right now xx

[j1981]

I absolutely feel for all your saying it is so familiar hun xx

Stay strong…. there will be light at the end of the tunnel for us all.

My cousin was attacked very savagely by her partner a few years ago and it turned out he was using crack she hadn’t been with him long but he controlled, manipulate her and was paranoid…it seems it is a trait of this horrid drug.

Take care, I know it’s hard I have taken him back several times just over the last year, but I can’t do it any longer it’s killing me spiritually and changing me as a person xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I’m so sorry to read what you and your family are going through. I hope that sharing your story and hearing about how others are in similar situations has helped.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support for the families of addicts which you could access if you feel it would be helpful. We have trained and experienced people who you could talk with and that might help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel! They will let you know what other support there is for you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck and stay strong for you and your boys.

[j1981]

Thank you xx

[gil]

It’s awful so many are affected by this. I empathise with them but also they are the only ones who can stop this. I’ve been through so much the past 3 years and way too much to go into. I feel like I’ve done all I can we spilt for a while hoped me a wake up call was fine for a couple of weeks then it’s the disrespect, stonewalling, disappearing won’t answer phone, gives no explanation where who been with and then blocks me… it’s awful how to treat someone that way but I guess the problem lies with them not with us.

I’m really lost, my heart is breaking I can’t talk to anyone about it as afraid of what they’ll say, don’t want to publicise our business. It’s just the total lack of disrespect and vileness I just don’t and can’t understand it. I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and I’m treated as the one who has the problem ????

[outofideas]

I totally understand how you feel. We have been together for 3 years and there has been so many things, so much pain. But there have been good times too when he wasn’t using and he is the most caring person. But coke completely changes him. He has never been physically abusive but very much verbally. Then it’s all my fault, I am the one who is driving him to use, I am the one who is trying to control him, am the one who has a problem because everyone does coke and I should just accept him as he is,he is not an a**hole, I could never find a better guy, etc. But when he is on it, he is an a**hole, a rude idiot who only cares about sniffing as much s**t up his nose as possible.

I once filmed him while he was on it and showed him when he was sober. He was very ashamed but still got on it a couple weeks after. And am sorry but this “everyone is doing coke” doesn’t work with me. Well if everyone is jumping off the bridge, will you too?! Honestly I just wish I could talk some sense in him. Although I must admit that he is now clean for over two weeks and I am finally starting to see the guy I met and fall in love with. He’s now more focused on his work and our son so I am really hoping he will get back on track and stay away from this horrible drug.

He’s trying to do it alone but I would like him to get a sponsor because when things get tough I think it would be beneficial for him to talk to someone who knows exactly how he feels. Don’t get me wrong he can talk to me any time but I might not be able to say the right thing or give advice on something that I have never experienced.

I hope that things will change for all of us here because we don’t deserve to be treated as we are, we don’t deserve watching our loved ones killing themselves in front of us.

I know how you feel about not talking to anyone about this issue. I was the same, hiding the problem, feeling down and depressed and sad all the time and on top lying to everyone and covering for him. But I can openly share my feelings here and it helps me. I know am not alone with the problem, unfortunately coke is a drug that is considered normal, everyday drug just like weed.

Stay strong and am here to talk if you need to. We all are.

[j1981]

I’m glad he is trying for your family my lovely and I truly hope that he seeks help and continues in this path…please stay safe and thank you for sharing, anytime you need to chat we are here xx

[j1981]

Deffo it’s with them….we cannot take responsibility, we have al, tried to support them in many ways with no success, like someone said in here the drug always wins….and that literally is proving the case unfortunately. I lived for many year living a lie thinking it was me, that’s why he went out all time till all hours, the death of his friend several years ago etc…multiple things had me question mr, he seen me on sick leave and medicated for depression and anxiety and still did not tell me what he was up to. I had to find the evidence in his vehicle. Never did I think he lauds use such a drug, I’m anti drug always have been, I’m so ashamed and mortified by it all it’s not something I would expect from him…he buys coke and washes it up himself, I found spoons, bicarbonate and water bottles with pens …honestly it’s really opened my eyes…how naive I have been…the empty promises, the times he has offered to change then a few weeks later relapses…I’m so tired of it all. So glad we can speak here as family don’t understand and I’m trying to hide what he has been taken from the kids but their not stupid x

You don’t have the problem my lovely….it them, we did nothing wrong xxx

[nelsall]

well I have now found out my ex has gone on a crack binge over the weekend and has done criminal damage and assault so is now in prison. I couldn’t even make it up. He’s now ringing me from there despite me telling him not to and Im so fed up and upset I keep having nightmares about it all. I just don’t know who that man is anymore. What Gil was saying about pens, I remember seeing a pen and feeling happy it hadn’t been pulled apart to be used- how sad is that. im glad I found this forum as I feel like im cracking up under all of this, ive never been round drugs I don’t get the appeal or how a normal nice guy could throw away his future for it either but its nice (although sad) to hear all of your experiences too so thank you x

[j1981]

I’m sorry my lovely, it is sad it’s a loss I feel I’m mourning st the minute…he is still sleeping on the couch at minute but using this as a stop off after his binges. It’s not a healthy atmosphere for me or kids, he sleeps downstairs I stay upstairs…he still using he is slipping in peonal care and work it’s soul destroying….one day he too will get caught driving, using and drinking

I knew nothing about how they used this stuff till I read about it and found the evidence it’s scary a innocent pen can be username in such a way x

I’m anti drug always have been never tried anything and don’t see the point… I really hope your ok and stay strong, he will still contact you as it’s a form of control, they become paranoid, controlling and selfish on this drug xx stay strong

[j1981]

So I’m saddened further I asked him to leave the sofa three nights ago, which he did and did not argue, I’ve found that he also seems to believe that I’m unfaithful (he has accused me multiple times over the years) believe me that’s not how I am…I’m loyal and faithful …always have been anyway long story short he hasn’t made contact with his mum since yesterday, I checked to see if he has accessed his emails for work etc…he has been in touch with a private investigator so clearly he is still suspicious and paranoid. I’m genuinely getting scared now, he has no access to my home, I have the keys, I’ve blocked him on everything (which is hard as I do care, but he is not the same person) I don’t care about investigators as I have never done a thing wrong it’s just the paranoia resulted in police input in January after he physically assaulted me and I’m scared that with crack rage he doesn’t know what he is doing. I don’t know what to do x

[administrator]

Hi J1981, thanks for sharing and so sorry to hear about your situation which sounds incredibly difficult.

You can receive information and advice by phoning the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, contact details are on the Refuge website. This line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

There is also information and support available on the Women’s Aid website: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Thank you and take care.

[nelsall]

is there a court case pending for the assault? my ex kicked my front door in on what I now believe was crack and ended up remanded for a few months and I would never have believed he was capable of that. Can you reach out to the police to say you have further concerns? Im learning fast you must put your own safety first and the man you love is not there when using that crap. Please please be safe and consider doing what you need to do for your own wellbeing? xx

[j1981]

I dropped the charges in January and took him back a month later, he seemed to have changed but started slipping again…I’m now fearful following that night and don’t take any chances and then a few weeks ago we had drinks and he smashed the house up which is why he was in a caravan renting only for a week the lockdown happened and the site was closed so he was staying on the couch for the last two weeks but I wasn’t happy with him coming and going all night and day as he pleased so I asked him to leave and he did and never argued which I thought was good. Then for fears of his well-being I checked if he has logged into his emails as I’ve blocked him on social media and things…he emailed me two days ago to say he didn’t feel well and needed help, he has since seen his mam. I haven’t responded. But I found the private investigator emails suspecting I’m cheating again, god it’s the furthest thing in my mind I feel exhausted, a little scared as your right it’s not him when he is on this drug x

I’m meeting a friend tomorrow and will discuss with her, I don’t want to worry my family and don’t want people hating him….I’m just in a weird place now x

[outofideas]

I am so sorry. Breaks my heart reading your lines. I do hope you can sort something out and keep him away from you and the kids until he gets his act together. What makes me upset is that they don’t see what they are doing to us. They don’t see how they act when they are on the drugs.

Stay strong and don’t feel ashamed or intimidated. It’s nothing you are doing, it’s not your actions. He has a problem which he can’t see at the moment. And you know what? Sometimes they do have to hit rock bottom to realise it’s no life they are living. I hope things will work out for you. Be safe and look after yourself xx

[j1981]

Thank you for your kind words…I think he trying to scare me and his mother further he has made no contact for two days with his mother…I’ve got him blocked on everything. But I imagine he will be somewhere on a binge…I don’t know x

[nelsall]

I did exactly the same thing- I withdrew my statement and support for the case as I believed all the promises and that it was a one off use etc- the police are pursuing it anyway for my case though. im so sorry, I feel we are all part of a club none of us wish to have ever known about. Don’t feel ashamed about this it sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond and blocking him sounds like the right thing to do but please just be careful and safe in the meantime. My ex, (who I still love of course- its a curse isn’t it) is ringing me from prison and sounds like he is really depressed now as reality has hit him id imagine, but like others have said we don’t know where their rock bottom is and until he is no-where near you then your ex may not hit it either? my family are now aware of what my ex has done and don’t hate him despite him having done loads and loads of awful things (not just small stuff), they feel quite sorry for him due to the drugs issue but still feel he should not be near me. you may find others think something similar about your ex too.

xx

[j1981]

Thank you for your kind words, it certainly is a life nome of us want or would ever welcome and it’s all very sad…I’m meeting my friend for a coffee and walk near my home just to vent and get some air…it’s the first time I’ve been outside for weeks x

He has had no contact with the boys since Wednesday and last seen his mother on Thursday evening…we may have to file a missing persons if he doesn’t contact his mother soon, but I do believe this is part of the manipulation that I’ve been used to for many years and that he is possibly doing it to make others worry….well at least I hope that’s it I wouldn’t wish anything bad to happen to him as I do still love him we just cannot continue this dark path x

[nelsall]

I hope you had a nice normal chat and time with your friend as you sound so defeated. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you get through all of this as unaffected as possible as you deserve much more in life than this- I view my life as a half existence at the minute and I imagine most of the others feel something fairly similar too xx

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