[jamesb]

I’m sorry if this isn’t the done thing on here and I’m sorry Dan if this is over stepping the mark but I feel like this is a topic often over looked and reading a comment you posted earlier saying a little about your situation I was hoping you could give me some advice.

The short of it is…….

I was a cocaine addict, and I was and did everything that comes along with that.

I lied to my partner for years, I hid money, I lied about where I was and I guess maybe at times I wasn’t the nicest person to be around. But to this day I will still stand by the truth that I always loved her with every once of my being and never wanted to hurt her or cause her pain. I was battling daily the struggles of my addiction whilst the whole time trying to not get caught, trying to provide, hold down a job and all the things that seem so normal to the adverage man but to an addict it is a constant game trying to keep your head above water.

She found out, funny really how for so many years I managed to just scrape by. Don’t get me wrong. Deep down I think she knew but when I wasnt on it, I was loving and respectful and I hope a decent partner and the way it all came out was so silly.

She left me on New year’s Eve and to be honest I don’t blame her. I can’t imagine how she must of felt to find out that all the times I was “on call” doing call outs I was in fact just alone in my car using. Or that all the times I’d been screwed over by work and not paid my overtime or my expenses that infact I was paid but I either owed it out or kept it myself.

It really was the lowest point of my life. I had no one, both my parents unfortunately passed a few years back so I didn’t have them to turn too. All the “boys” who I honestly have done so much for over the years all have their own lives and didn’t want to know through fear of their partners starting to question if they too get on it.

I have sorted myself out since then and I don’t need to tell you how hard it’s been because normally when I’ve been sad, it’s been my tool to block out pain but this time probably through lack of having money for the first time ony life (I lost my job when it all came out) I was able to stop for the first proper time.

So the part I’m struggling with is I’m slowly starting to find my self again, I feel like me, a good man, i have no secrets anymore, I’m not lying to anyone, I’m working hard I’m honest but I’m still alone.

I’m struggling to know what happens next, I thought if I stopped then the world would be all sunshine and rainbows. But instead, Im still not trusted, still labeled the gear head, my now ex doesn’t know of there’s ever a possibility of her being able to be with me again. And of course I completely understand, if I was them I’d probably feel the same but I’m really struggling with staying clean and doing everything I need to but living with the repercussions of the past.

Do you think there is chance that you can get back to that life we had before the addiction. Where people saw you for who you are and not what you’ve done.

If I could take it all back I would in a heart beat and I wish people could understand just how guilty I feel for my actions and understand that I wasn’t myself and I was suffering with an illness but the truth is most people will never see it that way.

Sorry man just struggling with that right now

[danman83]

Hiya James mate. Totally relate to your story.. I don’t know how you have quit. But have u done it through cocaine anonymous? And do the 12 steps? If u haven’t, this is what you are missing they say.

Are u in C. A? OR N. A

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