[sam37]

I have been finding it tough recently. All my life I have struggled with depression and Aspergers and it’s been a hell of a rough ride. These health problems have a massive impact on my own life such as with my social skills, being too overwhelmed when out and about and to be honest with you, it’s put me on the edge of questioning if life is even worth living.

I was desperate for support but medical services kept misdiagnosing me as having much milder problems than I have and I was never given the relevant support I needed. It was a long battle with them for more than 10 years to finally get them to accept what I’m saying to them is true and it just showed there was a lot of support I should have been getting all along.

My battle with alcohol is because of a combination of my own health problems I get no support for but also a lot of traumatic events I’ve experienced in my own life. My family were terminally ill and died at young ages, I lived in a house where I went through emotional abuse and due to these events I have been put through I also struggle with PTSD and Complex Bereavement issues.

Years ago I only consumed alcohol recreationally and infrequently. Yet over time, because of all the pain and distress in my life, I would turn to it as a mid week pick me up. The sad fact is I had very little else and at various times in my life I can hand on heart say that I was struggling so much that had I not had alcohol to give me a boost, there’s no doubt at all that I would have ended my life. Too many times I’ve been there, suicidal thoughts, then I started drinking and it raised my mood significantly. This was before any sort of problem with alcohol and it was never the case of needing to drink to “feel normal”, it was drinking because I have nothing in my life, no help, no support.

Now, my life actually hasn’t changed much at all. What has happened though is my alcohol tolerance has increased and this means I barely get a break off the booze.

Years ago I would try and battle on as best I could in life until I really couldn’t take anymore. I would have 4-5 beers in 1 sitting, have that tipsy/drunk happiness buzz and then I wouldn’t feel like drinking again for some time. In a way the “happiness buzz” would be a much needed boost in life which would allow me to recharge my batteries as such and live to fight another day. The next day I would be back to the same miserable, frustrating life but I’d feel more able to deal with it after having that buzz from alcohol to break up miserable times.

Now… Years later, life is still the same, in fact if anything, it’s worse. The longer you suffer, the harder it becomes because you are just sick and frustrated with it. You want your life on the right path but you are held back so much by disability without any support and time is ticking away. You’ve had so long being trapped in a miserable life that any hope of things improving have all but gone. It’s a bit like imagine being punched every hour, at first, it’s painful every time. After so long of experiencing it, you get used to the pain so it doesn’t hurt as much, but you are tired and frustrated that you have to just continue enduring it.

It’s this tiredness and frustration after years and years of being trapped and having a miserable life without any support which fuels me to drink alcohol.

My boiling point of suffering was reached many years ago and this, combined with my increased alcohol tolerance (without even having much of a hangover) which puts me on a dangerous slope in life.

Like I said, alcohol was purely an infrequent recreational thing for me. Then after years of suffering with no support, family deaths, a lot of traumatic events, it became a mid week pick me up that I couldn’t do too often due to hangovers and I only needed an occasional boost anyway. Now, after even more years of suffering, being way beyond a boiling point, it’s even more frequent.

What’s really tough is I know full well that alcohol is bad for me. I know the amount I can tolerate these days is extreme (I quite easily could drink more than 10 pints of beer in 1 sitting) and if I carry on then it will be my cause of death. Yet the big issue as to why I struggle to quit drinking is because my life is a complete mess and I can’t do anything to change it.

My family are dead, I can’t change that, I’ve got nobody. My social skills are atrocious because of Asperger’s and so I really struggle to integrate with anyone. Even going 10 minutes down the road to a shop is extremely overwhelming and really difficult. I live with this disability which I can’t actually deal with anymore. So what do I do? Spend my life stuck in the house? I don’t want that life at all.

It’s this reality which pushes me back into drinking because even though it’s bad for me, even though I really should quit to stop my health going downhill, it’s probably the only thing in my life which gives me comfort. It gives me that boost, takes me away from the misery of day to day life and for some time at least it makes me think “you know what? I actually feel happy for the time being”.

Just don’t know what to do….

[lindyloo]

Hi Sam

Welcome to the forum, thank you for sharing your story, that must have been hard for you to take that first step. This is the first step to recovery, to admit that you have a problem and want to seek support.

I agree with Debc, this is a lot for you to deal with on your own.

If you are in the UK, the GP should be referring you to a group for Adults with autism.

For your addiction, the AA is a good place to start, you will meet others you can talk to, or just listen. You will get coping strategies and meet others who will support you during your difficult days.

The Icarus trust posts here too, they have advice and support. Please don’t feel you have to deal with this on your own. My son has alcohol and cocaine addictions and currently in early recovery. He says AA is the only thing that helps him. He has anxiety and ocd type issues too. My nephew has aspergers so I understand some of the issues you have. Do you work? Do they realise that you’re struggling- they also have a duty of care to support you.

It is ultimately down to you now to seek the help you need. It might be difficult at first but it will be so worth it in the end.

Keep posting here, we all look out for each other and support each other.

Take care,

Lx

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