[qwerty]

Really need some help and advice.

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 year. We met at school at 16.
About 3 years ago I found cocaine. I was very naive as to what it was so when I asked him and he said he didn’t know I just binned it (ridiculous I know). A few months later I opened our bedroom door to find it spread out on the side. He saw me and immediately sweeped it onto the floor. When I confronted him he said he was trying to get rid of it and that it was a clients. I stupidly believed him.

Between this event and now, our relationship is at the worst it has ever been. He works extremely long hours. Comes home in the early hours of the morning at least 2 times a week due to ‘events’. When he is home he sleeps from Friday night into all day Saturday. He never wants to spend time with me as he’d rather sleep all day. I blamed myself – thought I wasn’t making his life easy enough so took on more and more to ease his stress.

3 years later we come to Sunday night. He’d been out Thursday at an event. Told me he would be home later but never came home (very common). When I got home from work Friday he was in bed asleep and didn’t wake up until Saturday evening (again usual). I was cleaning the bedroom when I found a plastic vial with excess powder around the edges. My heart sunk (first time I’ve found any evidence in 3 years). Confronted him and he denied it – said it was e cigarette stuff?? I didn’t believe him so ordered drug testing kits from amazon. The next day I very calmly weed into a jug. Tested my wee – negative. Used the same wee to pour into the vial and shook. Tested this twice and it came up positive straight away for cocaine. I very calmly confronted him and he denied it. Laughed and said I could get a positive from anything. Said he was completely innocent and wanted to stop being accused of something he hasn’t done. By chance when entering the downstairs loo there was a 3 day old wee in there (thank God for the flush not working and him forgetting). Tested that too – positive for cocaine. Confronted him again – still denied it. Now he says we should take some time apart as I am insecure.

I am at a total loss as to what to do. I don’t understand how he can’t admit that he has used cocaine (let alone has an addiction). Is this level of denial common?

He hasn’t gone into work for the last 3 days for no reason. I don’t know if he’s trying to accept he’s been found out or what.

I have made the decision to go and stay with my mum in the hopes that in our time apart he comes clean. My hopes aren’t high.

I feel too young to be dealing with such problems and I’m walking around like this is all a really bad dream.

I suppose what I’m asking is – why is he denying it despite the evidence? I have been reading the different posts and it seems like most people confronted with the evidence come clean?

Please help xx

[fayzey]

Hi qwerty, sorry to hear about your situation. I know the feeling well, my partner/maybe ex now has denied it til he’s blue in the face even when confronted with the evidence. If he’s totally backed into a corner then he will admit the bare minimum and then make sure he doesn’t get caught in the same way again…. Very draining and makes it impossible to move on when they can’t be honest.  I know he’s lied to my face so many times now that unfortunately I struggle to believe a word he says.  I think it is very common for them to deny it, especially when they aren’t ready to stop/can’t admit there is a problem. My advice would be put yourself first and do what is best for you xx

[qwerty]

Thank you for getting back to me.

His denial makes me feel like I’m going crazy!
I am really trying to understand how this drug works..

I was going to tell him I’m leaving for my mums, but when I got in from work he was drinking beers in the lounge (first time he’s been out of bed in two days). He’s constantly going to the toilet, moving about and sniffing tons.
Now I know about it, it’s hard ccd not to think he has used again tonight. Im going to wait until tomorrow now.

His personality is incredibly stubborn anyway so I genuinely don’t think he will come clean or get help until he decides to.

If he admits there is a problem I will help him but if he doesn’t there isn’t much I can do.

[navy]

Hi qwerty

I’m so sad to hear your story, it’s an awful experience to go through, as you have read my story I wont repeat but I’m still hoping and praying that he will give up, I’ve given him so much support and his answer to me was to give him unconditional love, I can’t do that, I don’t want drugs in the house, he also has got so bad that his nose is collapsing, he has high heart rate, high temperature and is constantly unwell, I feel as though I don’t have a husband anymore. I confronted him one night in April and he confirmed it in anger, I left for the day, he contacted me to say sorry and he would get help, never happened, we rowed about it again a couple weeks later as I found the white powder in kitchen, he said he was struggling but would have to have 3 days to stay alive then go on a detox programme which he never did so he is on a third chance, he is still using but getting clever at hiding it but we went away for a night and when I was tyding up the room found the white powder on the table it broke me. I’m just waiting for the time now that he is well enough for me to tell him that I have to leave as this is now effecting my health, yet agin he is not well. (Continuing health issues always has a cold, flu, anxiety, temperature, racing heart)
There are other factors why I haven’t left yet and it’s killing me, I’m now suffering with anxiety and wake up during the night with the feeling that my heart is beating out of my chest and takes me an hour or 2 to settle back to sleep which In Turn is effecting my work.
If you have the opportunity to leave and stay at your parents then do it, if he can’t give up the drug please don’t make yourself unwell over it, it’s not worth it, there is a life out there for you. Don’t get trapped into the guilt trip.
I wish you well and am here to answer what I can.
Please read Kulstar story, he was an addict and has come through the other side I believe he has now been clean for 8 months he really helped me understand the other side, but they have to be honest and open to you and want to give up the drug for themselves not because you found it.
Look after yourself
Lots of love
Navy xx

[qwerty]

Hi Navy

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly.

I know how you feel. I was diagnosed with anxiety years ago and this has made it so much worse. I am barely eating and waking up at 3am with my heart racing. The only thing that calms me down is reading the forums on here. It reminds me that I’m not making this all up.

I know it’s the job. If he left the job he wouldn’t need it but I just know that is never going to happen.

It hurts so much because I know we still love each other. But we don’t have a relationship anymore. He sleeps ALL the time and he’s always said it’s just because he’s tired from work but no one needs that much sleep. While he slept I’d do all the house work, food shop and sort the dog out and he would still be asleep by the time I’d finished. Either that or he’d just be lying in bed snacking. Is this a symptom of a comedown?

I’m trying my best to research but this drug just seems so strange. I always thought drugs made you so addicted you had to take it everyday but this isn’t like that..

I’m currently lying in bed summoning up the courage to bring the topic up again. He’s nearly acting like himself again but I know that’s probably because he’s been WFH. The thing is we both know he can’t avoid work forever.

Sending so much love to you xxx

[qwerty]

I don’t know what to do.

I’ve gone to stay at my mums.

I texted him saying that I was giving him time and I hope he’d talk to me about it but I didn’t want to blindside him again by talking face to face.

He’s replied but is still denying the drugs. Says he can’t be my perfect man and that although he loves me he isn’t the right man for me.

I don’t understand why he is still denying it. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I’m fed up of feeling sick

[kulstar]

Hi Navy – thanks for referencing me once more.

 

Qwerty I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I shan’t regurgitate my story however well worth a read. Unfortunately (and fortunately in an ironic sense) there are many parallels to be had regarding the stories of addicts. They’ll lie with all the evidence stacked against them because the truth is too painful to bear. I could never have admitted I had a problem until it really was a problem. Even then I kidded myself that it was all under control so I could seemingly keep using.

Sadly users can only really quit as a result of consequence. You as a loved one can action the consequence as you don’t deserve this but you really can’t help them quit unless they really want too. For me when I stopped, I stopped for me only. I unintentionally stopped for my 2 lovely kids and my gorgeous wife but be in no doubt I stopped for me so I could present the best version of myself to the world.

I wouldn’t change who I am for anything in the world. My wifey is currently out and I’ve had a delightful evening with my 10 and 7 year old watching films and pigging out. The old me would’ve allowed the kids to sit on their iPads, I’d have had my mate around drinking and sniffing waiting for my wife to come so I could literally have my wicked way with her. Point being that once you really want to stop you see the beauty in the world. There is so much love around but most of us are blinded by it.

 

Sadly there isn’t much you can do but protect yourself and not allow your partner to effect your happiness. This is his problem which he needs to fix, you can only make it know what is acceptable and what isn’t. I’m he chooses the latter then you have your answer regards to what he’ll continue to do. You don’t deserve to live a life of worry or doubt because you’ll never trust that person implicitly and this will effect your mental well-being.

[Author]

Posts