[thinice22]

I don’t even know how or where to start. Its another night alone and wishing i didnt cave. I sit and tell myself and most importantly my partner that I’m not addicted and i can stop if and when i want to. However i wanted to stop a while ago, yet i still find myself making excuses as to why until nights like these i promise myself i will get support then i wake up, tell myself its not as bad as i thought and the cycle repeats.
i don’t know who to talk to or seek advice from, professionals yes however i want the TRUTH no matter how hard from people with similar situations. Having parents who are so anti substance doesn’t help, especially when i have spent years in and out of MH wards and ive been 6 month’s strong on the outside. Little do they all know im replacing “physically harmful” behaviours with substances that are impacting me physically and mentally. So stuck on wanting the support from those closest whilst not wanting to be a bigger disappointment.

[Despair]

Hi. Sorry you’re going through this. I lost my partner of 16 years due to alcohol dependence 5 weeks ago. My partner was never ready to change despite acknowledging a problem. I used to feel angry and think she didn’t love me anymore due to the addiction.  I have worked hard to let go of my anger about the situation as despite her only dying 5 weeks ago  I have been grieving the person I lost 3 years ago due to addiction.  All I ever wanted was for her to try and even in relapse it would have seen a shift in the right direction.  I would urge you to talk  to your partner honestly and then I’m sure they will help you.  I’m sure they will also feel happy you’re trying.  When you’re struggling try and think of all the things/people you love and how they would feel if you weren’t here anymore. Even at our lowest when we think noone cares they do they just feel helpless. Good luck and be strong. You’ve cracked it once and can do it again. X

[jajoso]

I came back here to look for stories from your point of view. It’s 3am and I am wide awake worried sick about my partner, who I don’t live with.
He told me several weeks ago how bad his addiction was and that he was going to stop. We have been on and off for several years and got back together about 10 months ago. I thought he had stopped and to be told his addiction was worse than ever a few weeks ago, hit me hard. I couldn’t believe how stupid and naive I had been the whole time.

He said he hasn’t touched the stuff for weeks. But I know he has, he lies to my face. He did the same tonight which has made me feel like shit. I’ve been crying all night. I feel worthless, stupid, and like a fool.
I try to understand from his point of view but it’s killing me inside. I know he is addicted and cannot help himself. I try to be supportive but how can I when he is in denial.  I doubt everything he says to me because he lies so much. He goes AWOL most evenings.. I suspect there are other women.
I wish I could leave him but I can’t. I love him but loving him is killing me. I’m not the same women.. most days I hate myself for being so weak. I know I deserve better. I feel so worthless and wonder why I think this relationship is the best I think I can get or deserve. You can’t help who you love and the heart wants what it wants… my brain tells me to leave and never look back.
I just wish I was enough and he could stop.. but deep down I know he won’t/can’t.. I’m scared the longer I stay with him the more damaged I will be. People have already started to notice the difference and I can’t keep pretending I am ok and happy when deep down I am so miserable and feel so stupid and worthless.

THINICE22 pls pls do not put your partner through the same things I am going through.. pls get help, reach out, talk to people. You never know your partner may just stick by you and support you! But you have to want to change.. I pray to god every night my partner would be able to do the same xx

 

 

 

 

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