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Where do I start … my son is 33 and has been using cocaine for probably 10 years now. He probably just starting taking it socially when on a night out but it has gradually taken over his life. It has resulted in the break down of two of his long term relationships and he has two children, one with each partner. Over the past few years he has started various intervention programmes and we have supported him with these when he allows us. He has never stuck with anything. We have helped him financially too sometimes to pay of debts related to drugs, mortgage, household bills and loans. Over the last two years he has lived on and off with us, even though he had his own house. We recently helped him to sell his house which was hard work and time consuming for us. He now lives with another gf. Last summer he was working self employed but kept letting people down and eventually stopped work due to his drug binges. Anyway once his house was sold he got a substantial amount of money. Before this he said he would pay a family member back some of the money (a large amount) that had been lent to him to sort out his credit card loans a few years ago. However, since he has had the money (just before Christmas) he has cut us off completely. He hasn’t answered any of my calls or responded to the majority of our many many text messages. Out of the blue yesterday he text to day he was missing his kids a lot. He missed his daughter’s birthday and has not been in contact with them since early November. I text him back to ask him what he want to do about it and that we would help him. That was last week and he hasn’t contacted me since. I have text him details of the Louise Clarke YouTube clip as I have watched it and thought it might help. Although I have talked about money it really isn’t about that. I haven’t talked about all the support we have given over the years. I just wish my son could stop using cocaine as I worry what will happen when he has spent all money, as he is no longer working. As he is not living with us I worry about how much he is using as we get very little information from his current partner. Myself and my husband are in absolute despair about the whole situation and wonder if we are going to ever have contact with our son.
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I am in the same position regarding what I thought was recreational use of cocaine by my husband.
It has now become a habit. A habit that he has to have every time he goes out with his mates drinking. He says he hasn’t got a problem so I have to wait until he realises he does.
It is heartbreaking but he doesn’t care about anyone that was close to him. He cuts us off completely. All he is interested in is his ‘coke’ friends. He is not interested in our home or work either.
Like my husband says…..he’s a big boy, it’s his life and he can do what he wants……..
What can I say, he is an adult. I’m making myself ill worrying. I need to keep well in mind and body just in case he does need me. It’s a waiting game.
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It’s hard when he laughs at me and says he hasn’t got a problem with coke. I spoke to him last week and said that I thought he was having three lines a week over three days. No he laughed and said sometimes more than five a night. He has turned away from his loved ones that would only want the best for him. He only sees the ‘coke’ friends now. He hasn’t reached the point of wanting or needing help. This has only been happening for seven months and I only found out the cause of our problems before new year.
He brushes me off.
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My husband hid his cocaine addiction from me for 5 years. His life has dramatically changed, he’s lost everything from that crap! His job, his self respect, his morals he’s up to his eyes in debt and now has a criminal record for taking someone’s car and driving it intoxicated to fetch more coke! He still has me and the kids for now, although I’ve sent him to live 3 hours away with his mum. I’m still working at getting him clean but if he decides he doesn’t want to I’ll have no choice but to end things completely. Only time will tell.
I was strict in the beginning and I used to throw him out, threaten to leave and it just made his behaviour worse. Now if I’m nice he seems more willing to look at getting clean. However in the past when his use was more frequent like 4 days a week he was vile! It wouldn’t have mattered if I was nice or horrible, so what I’m trying to say is that there is nothing you can do I’m sorry to say. I wouldn’t be enabling him with money or letting him stay at yours if he gets to that point, however I realise that he’s your son and it’s much tougher when it’s your kids. Or maybe make sure he’s safe but that’s it! Apparently they have to think that the drugs are causing more harm using than not. Unfortunately I think it takes a lot for them to get to that point!
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DNAon I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. My husband and soulmate for 19 years had a psychotic episode August 2017 accusing me of an affair I never had. Two weeks later it transpired he had hidden a 5/6 year cocaine habit from me. Over that time I had noticed that the kind considerate man was disappearing but I thought he was stressed at work and kept asking him to leave his job. He got nastier and nastier to me even swearing at our two sons who were only 10 and 7 at the time. He demanded a divorce which after hearing about his £40k debt (it’s now over £50k) I filed for one although it broke my heart that the wonderful man I had loved since he was 21 had vanished before my eyes. Long story short he begged to come back Christmas 2017 I took him back on the condition that he went to Open Road which he reluctantly did.
I had 4 months of relative calm and then it all started happening again the all night stop outs no communication etc etc so I gave him an ultimatum, me and the kids or drugs. He chose drugs! Apparently I was too controlling and overreacted when he stayed out all night. He said he didn’t love me and only came back because he was coming down on cocaine from the night before! I am now filing for the financial order in our divorce proceedings.
I cry nearly every day. I miss my best friend. It is invasion of the body snatchers.
My point is, I think we just need to let go. Some days are easier than others but as they say, we didn’t cause it (although they may try and blame us) we can’t control it (I can’t tell you how many nights I would stay up worrying what happened to him) and we certainly can’t cure it. Only they can change, when they are ready. For me it is too late. I don’t think he wants to change and is quite happy with his life as he is a high functioning addict.
Hox, I worry for you babe. Been there got the t shirt. He is only going to get worse. I never knew it was drugs, you do. I feel I have wasted the last 7 years of my life struggling while he lorded it up. Your other half doesn’t sound like he wants to change and I hate to say it but I think you will be disappointed waiting. He sounds just like my soon to be ex. He is being disrespectful to you. It so hurts, I know how much it does, but cocaine is the most insidious drug, it actually changes the physiology of the brain, they actually do change. Learning to let go is a work in progress. Today I had a bad day, yesterday was a good one. All we can do is take each day as it comes. We deserve to live our own lives. That’s not to say we don’t care or stop loving, I will never stop loving my ex, but I have accepted I cannot do anything to bring my soulmate back and I feel more peaceful. Not happy, but I will take the peace over the constant regurgitation of fearful thoughts that used to occupy my headspace.
Sending hugs to you all.
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DNAanon, I just want to say that I wish my mother in law was like you. She enables his habit by denying it exists, and wait for it, blames me! His father and stepmom however have been a pillar of strength and support to me and the boys and his dad actually had to step in when his son was being aggressive to me. It sounds like this new gf may be partaker in Charlie as well if they are still together. If you can’t get hold of her either then this is probably the case. My ex actually complained that I didn’t do it and even spiked my drink last year with MDMA when he took me out which caused me to pass out. His words were “welcome to my world” as he took me for a date at a techno club in London. Everyone there was clearly off their noodle and I’d asked to go home. Next thing I knew I woke up with loads of funny lights dancing in the air like ribbons that when I reached out wound round my arms. Strangely I wasn’t scared but just very dreamy. I had only drunk two mojitos so I am pretty sure he did something to it. I am the mother of his children! How could he do that to me? I can’t prove it though but I couldn’t sleep for hours. He denies it.
My point is, if your not in that circle with them, then you’re totally out of it. They don’t want to be with us as we don’t “understand them” I think they have to hit some kind of rock bottom before they change. Clearly getting divorced isn’t low enough for my ex. Maybe seeing me getting on with my life may just be the thing that finally provokes that and make him realise that he needs to stop. But maybe it won’t.
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Really sorry to hear about this, my cocaine habbit started 8 years a go roughly, mainly going out. Then i stopped going out and did it on my own in the house. Ive not had it since new years eve. And im doing everything possible to not have it again.
I understand how hard it is for you i told my mum about my problem 6 month ago asking for her help and she was crying at one point, saying a mum should not buy there child before they die. I felt guilty and horrible.
The amount of stress ive put on my gf is not good but shes stuck by me and we have 4 well mannered children.
From what you have said, this is my opinion so dont take it as im right, just a few things.. if hes asking for help then next min hes ignoring you again. He must be getting coked up again. Then blanking you. Hes obviously missing his kids when hes coming down off coke. Plus you said his gf gives little info.. she might be having it aswell? Because she should be helping him. Ive bought that louise clarkes book and its great.
Your son has to want to quit this. Its a discusting drug, i wish i never started it.
Do you live near him? Can you not go round and speak to him and just have say a talk with you and your husband and him. Tell him you are there for him, and his kids want there dad back.
He will need a lot of support. He needs cut everyone off from coke. It sounds like he had a lot going for him, job and mortgage, children. But you really do need see him in person if you can.
And like you said the money is not the problem your right. He needs to admit he has a problem, get help. And just sort himself 1st, not to worry about anyone else. Then the rest will fall in to place.
But he really needs to want this. I do, and im scared everyday of messing up.
Its hard but i risk losing my kids and gf next time. If you need anything just ask.
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#bury
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I know it is going to get worse. I hope now that when the trial comes round that he is sent down. That will remove him from the situation he puts himself in.
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Id read it now, then u know how the cocaine is working. Ive got it, and she goes in to great detail. It will give you a better understanding of it all. And its just not your sons fault. Its the drug, its a disease as well. It manipulates you in to getting it
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DNanon I’m sorry you had a bad day yesterday, how are you today? I am having a sad one today. Haven’t heard from the ex since Thursday despite a lot of promises to help me with some things. My eldest son has autism and had a meltdown this morning, I was trying to get him out the house as we had to pick the other one up from football then meet my parents so I had to try and chivvy him on. It really upset me that my ex had put me in that position of constantly trying to juggle everything when my other son should have had his dad there so he had time to calm down.
It must be so awful not knowing where your son is.
Whereabouts is everyone? I am Essex, happy to meet up for coffee and support if you are local?
Danman, how are you doing? Have you still managed to resist? Cocaine is so awful, it changes most people unrecognisably. Do you remember when you first realised you had a problem? We’re you horrible to your other half and say nasty things when you were coming down or without it? My ex was awful, the things he said!
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Yes i have.. and long story short. I started 8 year ago. Taking it goin out for a while. But then i already become attached and we just stayed in at weekends. So i started having it in the house. I would never feel depressed and suicidal coming down off it for 1st few year. Then a couple of year ago. It made me depressed and suicidal. And i cried 1 morning, so i text my mum n told her everything and i asked for help. She was devastated but shes texting all the time and onto my gf as well lol. I started arguments without KNOWING so id go get some as an excuse. Your brain is so clever it craves it when u dont know. This is emotional relapse. Its hard. But ive learned when it comes.and you have treat it like an abusive ex. And tell my self its over.. do u really want to go back. These next months im dreading. But me and my gf have the kids bdays coming up and were going turkey. So shes staying with me till july at weekends and helping me decorate so i dont slip up.ive give her a lot of stick in the past. But shes stood by me through a lot.
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