[arnieshwarz]

3am in the morning. Can’t sleep again. Not eating properly. Dread and hopelessness constantly in the background. Am father of 2 and husband to a beautiful intelligent wife who suffers from severe anxiety/depression and alcohol abuse. This has slowly crept up on her through situations at work and driven by, it seems, past childhood experiences. She has absolutely no ability to cope with stressful situations. She’s tried to take her life before. She’s in a very dark place. Most trust has now gone from our relationship. Crisis teams are regularly visiting and MH nurses but this is not enough. You think they’ve hit rock bottom and then do something else. If I asked her to leave she’d have absolutely no where to go and would be on the streets. She won’t go to rehab as 1. However many bad things happen, “it’s all down to depression and she’s already getting help” 2. Rehab would put her in same group of people she’s spent her career picking up their pieces. Hopeless/despair does describe where I’m at at the moment. My soulmate has gone.

[bluebell]

I’m sorry to hear this. How old are your children? I am divorced from my ex husband 3 years now. He smoked weed and did cocaine. He was my best friend and my soulmate. I really feel your pain and I can only say please don’t feel you are alone, probably everyone on this site has been there. I feel for you as you are still in the midst of it. It can get crazier believe me.

The reason I ask how old your children are is because mine were 10 and 7 when he first left (yes he left me! Apparently I had been cheating on him, drug induced paranoia is quite something!)

When I think about it my boys had been suffering from his mood swings for years but I didn’t know he was an addict and just thought he was depressed. I won’t go into the ins and outs of it but long story short is this. My eldest recovered quicker, he didn’t like his dad’s behaviour and knew about his drugs. He is 13 now and tells me that when his dad left the second time (yes stupidly I took him back) it was the best thing that happened. My youngest however struggled so so much and only now 3 years and lots of love and support, I think he is more or less ok.

I like you was obsessively worrying about my ex. We can’t help it. I wish I had shifted my focus more on my children. When you lose a soulmate it is worse than death because it isn’t just them who has gone it’s the dream. My ex still does drugs, but allegedly less than he did, who knows. If your wife has no insight into her problems (like my ex, I recognise the classic minimising behaviour, I bet you’ve been lied to and manipulated as well let alone all the gaslighting!) then they cannot change. Until they realise they have a problem they simply will not change what they are doing.

The point I am making is that as she is now you are just going to get more of the same and worse. I was supportive loving and I now know enabled by constantly picking up the slack.

In hindsight I wish I had booted my ex out. Do you think about the impact of her behaviour on your children? Are they old enough to talk to? You cannot save her, all you can do is save yourself and your children.

I know how much it hurts, I miss my old ex every day, but the one that is walking around now is like an extra on The Walking Dead, it’s not him anymore. And sadly 8 years of chronic cocaine abuse, he never will be!

Sending you big hugs.

[arnieshwarz]

Things have got a lot worse in the last week. She has continued to poor vodka down her neck. I had a complete nervous breakdown and couldn’t cope so sister had to come and get me. Kids safe at in-laws. She was admitted to hospital again yesterday but released once sober as again said the right thing. She’s in the marital home and no one can cope with her. Can anyone suggest what I need to do? I need to be in main house to be able to look after our 2 kids but she is so feeble and weak and has no one so she would just be on the streets. This is beyond a nightmare.

[mb8]

She may not be open to the idea, but she might benefit from rehab. I have a friend who– after years of suffering from major depression, suicidal tendencies, and substance addiction– checked into a rehab facility that focused primarily on mental health, and it helped her a lot. They placed her in a house with seven women in similar situations, spent a lot of time doing therapy, and taught her healthier coping mechanisms.

The biggest problem is that your wife will only accept help if she is ready for it. If she isn’t in a state of mind where she wants to get better, she won’t. But a rehab program like the one I mentioned might give her the initial motivation she needs.

Take care of yourself. Reach out to her friends and family to help you. You are not alone, and you shouldn’t take on the full responsibility of getting her better. Try to find a few other people to help you, help her.

[Author]

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