[mammyessex]

Wow lovely you’ve had a rough ride , i really hope you get a house soon it’s a rough ride I’m still stuck like you tho as you no mine left us x it’s such a shitty time but we are strong even though we shouldn’t have to be x hugs xx

[mammyessex]

Just wanted to add tho I can see why your partner has ended up like that , the council don’t help they should never house a family next to addicts not making excuses for him as it’s unacceptable x

[donthaveaclue]

No I know what you mean. He was the last person that should have ended up next to them. It was like setting him up for a fall. I really don’t think he’d be a crack addict again if we hadn’t lived there.

How are you doing Mammy?

[mammyessex]

The same really just in survival mode x but we gotta keep going x

[donthaveaclue]

Aww I feel like that. Existing. In limbo. Some days more tolerable than others… especially when I get out of the house!

[mammyessex]

It’s horrible isn’t it ! No way to live at all

[donthaveaclue]

Housing-wise:

My last bid was ranking 1-5, so I clearly wasn’t 1… but in the 1-5 again. It’s like almost winning the lottery.

So if I don’t manage to get anywhere within a month, I am thinking about asking to be assessed to see if I should be rebanded to the band above me. I might have to consult some organisations on this though.

[mammyessex]

I used to look down on addicts life has a funny way of kicking you up the arse x

[donthaveaclue]

Haha. I just sometimes wonder how on earth did I end up here. I think I was way too soft, forgiving and empathetic towards him than I should have been.

What you realise is that addicts come from all walks of life. I had only met the homeless types, then I met all the ones whose kids have been taken away (mainly people visiting next door) and so on.

Then I met loads of highly functioning coke addicts in my community, who don’t think they have a problem but use weekly or more… one of them is one of my best friends. She’s sinking deeper in and I’m trying to find a way to help her realise she has a problem cos at the moment she’s in denial.

[mammyessex]

Mine is too but so am I really when he came last week he looked rough then I’m almost talking mysejf out of it saying well it could be hayfever etc I feel I’m going Mad x

[mammyessex]

Yes defiantly do I’m top of the list here but there is literally no houses I’d have to move at least 30 miles away from my support network I would be in a much better financial position if I had a council house my private rent is killing me at nearly 1 k a month ????

[donthaveaclue]

Do they have housing association properties? We’re in one and it is expensive too – 900 for 2 bed but I’m down south not far from London.

Because I’m disabled it’s covered by UC if I live on my own so I’m less bothered about how much it will cost when I move. As a carer and with your disabled son, will your rent be covered?

[mammyessex]

A council house here is only 400 per month but I’m private rented so they will only cover the 400 so I have to pay the other 600 out my universal credit ????

[donthaveaclue]

Wow that’s crazy about your rent. How stressful. Have you approached your local council to see if they could step in with discretionary housing payments to help you top up rather than you having to use all your UC while you wait to get housed?

Here if you get into housing association because there’s not enough council then the UC still covers the rent even if it is near the private cost… so affordable rent here with housing associations is like 80 or 90% of the cost of the private rent. They will cover the housing cost under UC because it’s still deemed social housing, whereas they will not cover the difference between the LHA level and the private cost.

Council round here is about the same… 400ish. It’s crazy how cheap it is. Definitely worth it if you’re working as much more affordable. Also people can buy them so everyone’s bidding on them.

That’s another reason I’m desperately trying to get a housing association flat as less people bid on them as they are more expensive but obviously I don’t really care as I’m not paying for it (sounds bad but in my situation I’ve given up feeling guilty). I can try to get a council one later if I want to… tbh eventually I’d like to try and get housed in a bungalow instead of a house as my mobility is worsening when using the stairs.

[mammyessex]

Get a dr letter supporting your disability and mental health it costs 30 pound but is worth it x

[donthaveaclue]

I already got one and it cost me 50. My mum paid for it!

[donthaveaclue]

Also he’s gone back to work. First shift he swore (I didn’t ask anything from him – literally no expectations) that he’d lay off the drugs now and start paying off debts and saving money.

He’s used daily since… hasn’t stopped at all. I honestly don’t think he can! I’m being realistic now. Trying to work and no support with the addiction or his mental health and I just can’t see how that’s a recipe for his quitting. So I’m not saying anything about it at the moment.

[mammyessex]

This is pretty much where I am with not living with him I have no idea of his usage and I don’t believe a word he says

[donthaveaclue]

I can understand – like how can you trust anything he says now?

Has he made any more attempts to see his children?

[mammyessex]

He sees them an hour in a Sunday x he rings every day

[donthaveaclue]

At least he does ring. That’s good.

Tbh, from what you were saying about him looking rough…

My rule of thumb now is I assume mine’s using. So like he’d have to literally flip his life 180 and prove to me be was clean for like at least a month before I’d believe him. He’s never managed that long since starting the active addiction except when he switched to the gym and bulking up. I didn’t count that as I mean off all substances except those prescribed by the doctor.

[mammyessex]

They don’t realise how much drugs effect the mental health and here lies the problem it’s a vicious circle there is no real support unless you can afford rehab and of course they have to want to quit x

[donthaveaclue]

I did find a free rehab (Christian) which he wouldn’t be opposed to from the religious perspective I think but he doesn’t want to do anything like that… he still thinks he can save himself and stop by himself.

It’s as if they have no insight! But… I think that reluctance to seek support can come from a place of deep shame. He won’t even go to a local CA meeting because he might bump into people he knows even though I pointed out but they’d also be at the CA so how could they judge you?

[mammyessex]

How can I tell if he’s using ? He had huge bags was moaning about his nose sniffles surely he’s better off not mentioning them

[donthaveaclue]

Sounds guilty as charged

[donthaveaclue]

Makes sense Mammy.

Mine’s narcisstic also. I feel as if there is a real pattern that a lot of users seem to share…. like a script.

[donthaveaclue]

So he came home from work… during the shift he had a disagreement with boss. The guy is awful so I don’t blame him. But… not so sure he’ll be going back next week or not.

Anyway, he’s in a foul mood because of how the guy was… so he’s now all wound up late at night. He’s scraping about trying to find scraps so he can use again.

He’s convinced people are living in our loft spying on him, so he’s shouting up at the ceiling and banging it… he also thought he heard me saying something to him when I was lying in another room quietly watching TV. The ceilings are slowly getting destroyed as are a couple of the walls..another reason I don’t want to be jointly responsible for the property.

[donthaveaclue]

Since I wrote this, he has continued to use. He did go back to work but then hurt himself and has been off for just over a week. Hopefully, he is going back this week… we really need the money.

In his off time he has used and then when there was no money he has not used. When not using he is absolutely vile. I can barely stand it anymore. I don’t know how I am hanging on and managing to stay sane. I do think it’s affecting my physical and mental health now. I feel as if I am enabling him because I have leant him the last of my money. Basically, I cannot cope with him if he’s off drugs. I don’t know what that is but it’s affected him so profoundly that off drugs he is too volatile and unpredictable for me to cope with…

His paranoia and delusions have been really high, especially when he was off the drugs. That aspect has made my life SO hard. I have to live as if what he believes is happening is actually happening. It is literally crazy. He thinks people are spying on him, monitoring and surveilling him. This belief started when he started the crack.

Anyway, I am still trying to leave. I just checked and I ranked 1-5 for my last bid. I don’t seem to have been number 1. I am pretty desperate to get out. I’ve decided if I don’t get anywhere within the next couple of weeks then I’ll have to talk to the council again and see if I can be rebanded. I am just so fed up and exhausted by it all. I keep dreaming of my new, peaceful life in a flat that does not smell of cigarettes, where I am not having to go on runs to get alcohol, cigarettes or booze. It seems a blissful idea.

[mammyessex]

I’m so sorry you are having to live like this , can he not move out ? What he’s doing is emotional and financial abuse it’s tret the same as domestic violence the council should be doing more x

[donthaveaclue]

Hi Mammy

No, he won’t move out. He has no money and nowhere to go so he thinks it’s easier if I move out.. he doesn’t count the toll on me while I wait to be rehoused as he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong! Once in a while he’ll have an enlightened moment and admit his addiction or abusive behaviour but his admission lasts 5 minutes and then we’re back to status quo.

The council basically said I need to contact a DV charity and formally record it all… but if I do that, then SS and other agencies will doubtless get involved.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I just want to go as amicably as possible.

How are you? xx

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