[donthaveaclue]

Hi all

I’ve responded and written on here a lot but not actually written my own thread, so here goes.

I’ve been with my ‘partner’ for some years now and we share a young child together.

When I met him I didn’t know he did or had done drugs. We went out quite a lot clubbing and to the pub.

I felt he had an issue with drink as he drank every night but it would be like a couple of cans, or half a bottle of wine, or a couple of spirits and mixers so not too bad. I was pretty much a non drinker so it did raise a red flag. He was very persuasive and manipulative and he got me drinking alongside him! Anyway, because we went out quite a lot he’d binge drink at least once a week and that really was an issue as he’d forget what he was doing, become totally drunk and seek out trouble.

Eventually he did coke in front of me at the house before a night out. I don’t remember if I was aware of him getting it – I don’t think so. He was telling me about it and trying to get me to try it and I refused. He got quite aggressive because he was drunk. I managed to refuse that time. He didn’t do all of… maybe 2 or 3 lines. We went out and there was still some left the next day.

The next time, which I think was either the next night or a week later, he did the same… ranting on at me trying to force me to try it and being quite aggressive. In the end I did try it just to shut him up. I ended up doing coke occasionally but never bought it or did it by myself. I noticed that while it helped my brain (I have brain issues) function better, ultimately there were way more negatives than positives.

Fast forward and I get pregnant. He stopped drinking, smoking and doing any coke. I obviously wasn’t doing any of that either. It was good… he also eventually got back into work (having lost his job) and by the time the baby came things were quite good.

Around this time he had an accident at work that resulted in a very severe back injury. After this he had months off work and when he did go back to work he didn’t last long. When our baby was 4 months old we moved back to where I’m from and a county he had previously been brought up in and lived in as an adult for periods of his life. He didn’t want to as said it was a bad place for him… but I had post natal depression and health issues and really needed to be near my family so we returned.

This was when things all went wrong and got really bad…

The council housed us in a property that was totally unsuitable for us in so many ways… they should never have housed us there. Anyway, the main issue that’s relevant here is that they housed us with our 4 month old baby next door to a known drugs den/doss house. Of course this came not just with the drug taking but also masses of anti social behaviour…

So you had a disabled lady with post natal depression (me) with a 4 month old baby and a partner who is at home all the time due to chronic pain/back injury housed next to an extremely stressful situation.

My partner started conversing with next door. He became acquaintances with all of the people who lived and visited there. They would invite him (and me) round for a drink. So… he got into this crowd as he had nothing better to do except take masses of prescription drugs for the pain…

This went on for around a year an a half. Partner also started doing a sports activity – my suggestion – as part of a team and one of his teammates became a good friend of his. The friend had a coke addiction and a gambling addiction. Friend encouraged and enabled my partner to use coke on a weekly or twice weekly basis. This was accompanied by extremely heavy drinking.

Things really started to go to pieces in February 2020. Partner was at home as I’d gone to visit relatives with our child. During the time I was away, him and the friend used the property to host a sort of 5 day bender session accompanied by selected other users they now knew from next door! This included the person I’m about to mention…

Around this time, partner had been spending a lot more time with one user. This person was a crack addict. I didn’t understand that at the time. The person was attracted to my partner and because he didn’t want to get with them, I think they took it upon themselves to try to destroy him somewhat. The reason I say this is because they knew how addicted they were to crack and what a negative impact it had on their life and yet they taught my partner how to make crack out of powder cocaine and then smoke it.

He started doing it by himself. His usage increased. He stopped snorting coke unless in company and eventually stopped even snorting in company and just disappearing to the bathroom for a while etc.

Once he started the crack smoking, his behaviour completely changed. He became paranoid, delusional, volatile aggressive, extremely selfish and so on. Lockdown March 2020 onwards was PURE HELL.

We eventually got moved and yet things haven’t improved. He had a period of not using but switched to excessive gym going accompanied by taking things to bulk him up that also gave him rage and aggression issues. During him doing this he fell out with my family.

He also told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was glad as have been trying to get out… needed him to come up with the idea so he’d stay amicable. So I apply to council to be rehoused. That was 11 months ago. I am restricted in what I can bid for (they won’t allow me to go into a house) and due to my disability I can only do ground floor flats.

We then headed back into his crack addiction eventually. He has had 2 suicide attempts 2 months apart. 1 was nearly successful. He got told it’s caused by PTSD but that’s because he never told anyone about his addiction/usage. He has had not treatment for PTSD.

He uses daily. If he doesn’t use he is UNBEARABLE. He is extreme volatile and aggressive. Even when using he is paranoid and has delusions. These are exhibited in front of us… he generally doesn’t hide what he is doing from me either… he doesn’t do it in front of me but he doesn’t pretend he’s not doing it.

In the 2020 period I found a search on his phone when I was using it for something else (with his permission) for how to rehab or detox from crack. I never mentioned it to him.

He’s repeatedly told me he wants to stop or is stopping… it never works. I’ve begged him to get help or to tell his GP. I’ve offered to help him find support. He recently had a deep heart to heart with me about his addiction. During this time he told me something that threw me completely.

Years ago he lived in the same block as a crack dealer. He became addicted for a couple of months. He ended up selling a his stuff. He then got off it by moving to the other end of the country and starting a new life cold turkey. As he put it, he was only affecting him as no one lived with him.

And herein lies the problem… the impact on me and our child is immeasurable. He has ruined our lives. He has given me PTSD! He has sunk us into such debt we sometimes have no money for food. I can never get past that. I just want out. I want him to get better as he is our child’s dad… but I don’t think I can ever trust him again.

I don’t know how I’m holding on most days. I’m going through the motions. Our lives are completely controlled by his addiction and yet he blames me and calls me selfish.

[mammyessex]

Wow lovely you’ve had a rough ride , i really hope you get a house soon it’s a rough ride I’m still stuck like you tho as you no mine left us x it’s such a shitty time but we are strong even though we shouldn’t have to be x hugs xx

[mammyessex]

Just wanted to add tho I can see why your partner has ended up like that , the council don’t help they should never house a family next to addicts not making excuses for him as it’s unacceptable x

[donthaveaclue]

No I know what you mean. He was the last person that should have ended up next to them. It was like setting him up for a fall. I really don’t think he’d be a crack addict again if we hadn’t lived there.

How are you doing Mammy?

[mammyessex]

The same really just in survival mode x but we gotta keep going x

[donthaveaclue]

Aww I feel like that. Existing. In limbo. Some days more tolerable than others… especially when I get out of the house!

[mammyessex]

It’s horrible isn’t it ! No way to live at all

[donthaveaclue]

Housing-wise:

My last bid was ranking 1-5, so I clearly wasn’t 1… but in the 1-5 again. It’s like almost winning the lottery.

So if I don’t manage to get anywhere within a month, I am thinking about asking to be assessed to see if I should be rebanded to the band above me. I might have to consult some organisations on this though.

[mammyessex]

I used to look down on addicts life has a funny way of kicking you up the arse x

[donthaveaclue]

Haha. I just sometimes wonder how on earth did I end up here. I think I was way too soft, forgiving and empathetic towards him than I should have been.

What you realise is that addicts come from all walks of life. I had only met the homeless types, then I met all the ones whose kids have been taken away (mainly people visiting next door) and so on.

Then I met loads of highly functioning coke addicts in my community, who don’t think they have a problem but use weekly or more… one of them is one of my best friends. She’s sinking deeper in and I’m trying to find a way to help her realise she has a problem cos at the moment she’s in denial.

[mammyessex]

Mine is too but so am I really when he came last week he looked rough then I’m almost talking mysejf out of it saying well it could be hayfever etc I feel I’m going Mad x

[mammyessex]

Yes defiantly do I’m top of the list here but there is literally no houses I’d have to move at least 30 miles away from my support network I would be in a much better financial position if I had a council house my private rent is killing me at nearly 1 k a month ????

[donthaveaclue]

Do they have housing association properties? We’re in one and it is expensive too – 900 for 2 bed but I’m down south not far from London.

Because I’m disabled it’s covered by UC if I live on my own so I’m less bothered about how much it will cost when I move. As a carer and with your disabled son, will your rent be covered?

[mammyessex]

A council house here is only 400 per month but I’m private rented so they will only cover the 400 so I have to pay the other 600 out my universal credit ????

[donthaveaclue]

Wow that’s crazy about your rent. How stressful. Have you approached your local council to see if they could step in with discretionary housing payments to help you top up rather than you having to use all your UC while you wait to get housed?

Here if you get into housing association because there’s not enough council then the UC still covers the rent even if it is near the private cost… so affordable rent here with housing associations is like 80 or 90% of the cost of the private rent. They will cover the housing cost under UC because it’s still deemed social housing, whereas they will not cover the difference between the LHA level and the private cost.

Council round here is about the same… 400ish. It’s crazy how cheap it is. Definitely worth it if you’re working as much more affordable. Also people can buy them so everyone’s bidding on them.

That’s another reason I’m desperately trying to get a housing association flat as less people bid on them as they are more expensive but obviously I don’t really care as I’m not paying for it (sounds bad but in my situation I’ve given up feeling guilty). I can try to get a council one later if I want to… tbh eventually I’d like to try and get housed in a bungalow instead of a house as my mobility is worsening when using the stairs.

[mammyessex]

Get a dr letter supporting your disability and mental health it costs 30 pound but is worth it x

[donthaveaclue]

I already got one and it cost me 50. My mum paid for it!

[donthaveaclue]

Also he’s gone back to work. First shift he swore (I didn’t ask anything from him – literally no expectations) that he’d lay off the drugs now and start paying off debts and saving money.

He’s used daily since… hasn’t stopped at all. I honestly don’t think he can! I’m being realistic now. Trying to work and no support with the addiction or his mental health and I just can’t see how that’s a recipe for his quitting. So I’m not saying anything about it at the moment.

[mammyessex]

This is pretty much where I am with not living with him I have no idea of his usage and I don’t believe a word he says

[donthaveaclue]

I can understand – like how can you trust anything he says now?

Has he made any more attempts to see his children?

[mammyessex]

He sees them an hour in a Sunday x he rings every day

[donthaveaclue]

At least he does ring. That’s good.

Tbh, from what you were saying about him looking rough…

My rule of thumb now is I assume mine’s using. So like he’d have to literally flip his life 180 and prove to me be was clean for like at least a month before I’d believe him. He’s never managed that long since starting the active addiction except when he switched to the gym and bulking up. I didn’t count that as I mean off all substances except those prescribed by the doctor.

[mammyessex]

They don’t realise how much drugs effect the mental health and here lies the problem it’s a vicious circle there is no real support unless you can afford rehab and of course they have to want to quit x

[donthaveaclue]

I did find a free rehab (Christian) which he wouldn’t be opposed to from the religious perspective I think but he doesn’t want to do anything like that… he still thinks he can save himself and stop by himself.

It’s as if they have no insight! But… I think that reluctance to seek support can come from a place of deep shame. He won’t even go to a local CA meeting because he might bump into people he knows even though I pointed out but they’d also be at the CA so how could they judge you?

[mammyessex]

How can I tell if he’s using ? He had huge bags was moaning about his nose sniffles surely he’s better off not mentioning them

[donthaveaclue]

Sounds guilty as charged

[donthaveaclue]

Makes sense Mammy.

Mine’s narcisstic also. I feel as if there is a real pattern that a lot of users seem to share…. like a script.

[donthaveaclue]

So he came home from work… during the shift he had a disagreement with boss. The guy is awful so I don’t blame him. But… not so sure he’ll be going back next week or not.

Anyway, he’s in a foul mood because of how the guy was… so he’s now all wound up late at night. He’s scraping about trying to find scraps so he can use again.

He’s convinced people are living in our loft spying on him, so he’s shouting up at the ceiling and banging it… he also thought he heard me saying something to him when I was lying in another room quietly watching TV. The ceilings are slowly getting destroyed as are a couple of the walls..another reason I don’t want to be jointly responsible for the property.

[donthaveaclue]

Since I wrote this, he has continued to use. He did go back to work but then hurt himself and has been off for just over a week. Hopefully, he is going back this week… we really need the money.

In his off time he has used and then when there was no money he has not used. When not using he is absolutely vile. I can barely stand it anymore. I don’t know how I am hanging on and managing to stay sane. I do think it’s affecting my physical and mental health now. I feel as if I am enabling him because I have leant him the last of my money. Basically, I cannot cope with him if he’s off drugs. I don’t know what that is but it’s affected him so profoundly that off drugs he is too volatile and unpredictable for me to cope with…

His paranoia and delusions have been really high, especially when he was off the drugs. That aspect has made my life SO hard. I have to live as if what he believes is happening is actually happening. It is literally crazy. He thinks people are spying on him, monitoring and surveilling him. This belief started when he started the crack.

Anyway, I am still trying to leave. I just checked and I ranked 1-5 for my last bid. I don’t seem to have been number 1. I am pretty desperate to get out. I’ve decided if I don’t get anywhere within the next couple of weeks then I’ll have to talk to the council again and see if I can be rebanded. I am just so fed up and exhausted by it all. I keep dreaming of my new, peaceful life in a flat that does not smell of cigarettes, where I am not having to go on runs to get alcohol, cigarettes or booze. It seems a blissful idea.

[mammyessex]

I’m so sorry you are having to live like this , can he not move out ? What he’s doing is emotional and financial abuse it’s tret the same as domestic violence the council should be doing more x

[donthaveaclue]

Hi Mammy

No, he won’t move out. He has no money and nowhere to go so he thinks it’s easier if I move out.. he doesn’t count the toll on me while I wait to be rehoused as he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong! Once in a while he’ll have an enlightened moment and admit his addiction or abusive behaviour but his admission lasts 5 minutes and then we’re back to status quo.

The council basically said I need to contact a DV charity and formally record it all… but if I do that, then SS and other agencies will doubtless get involved.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I just want to go as amicably as possible.

How are you? xx

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