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Hello,
I haven’t posted In a while, but I feel like I need someone to talk to. My partner of 5 years has left tonight for a binge, packing his bags. He’s started to say some really bizarre stuff, like he’s an adult and it’s his choice to do cocaine, but before he said how much he wanted to come off it.
He was sober at Christmas for 3 months, started a new job and I believed he had turned a corner and was sorting him self out. Unfortunately at the end of Jan, he said he slipped up and had some coke and then ever since, it’s been here and there (that I’m aware of). Yesterday, he used my car to get to work and used cocaine which completely pushed my boundaries, then this morning he got up, packed his bag and left just like that. No apology, it was basically all my fault and that he shouldn’t need to change for me. It’s like something in his brain has switched and I’m left picking myself up off the floor in bits over someone who doesn’t care.I feel so pathetic that I’ve allowed someone to treat me so poorly. I’ll not sleep for worrying!
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Hi Wavy,
It’s so hard to know what to do especially when you’re with someone who has periods of sobriety and you start to think things might be okay. But for your partner to pack up and leave while blaming you for his addiction, it sounds like he’s got a very long way to go in recovery. You don’t deserve to be put through that and you can’t help him by enabling him to do what he likes by accepting him back home whenever he’s done with his binge. I would be telling him he’s not welcome back in the house until he can show you he’s serious about recovery and actually cares about what you’ve went through. Spend this time focusing on you. We spend all of our time doing what’s best for the addicts in our lives and can forget about what’s best for us. Young deserve better than this x
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It’s hard to read this because it’s just the same for all of us that have had partners that are bad with cocaine.
it’s the worse drug and the way that we end up manipulated and told that it’s our fault. My OH that is not longer at the home as I’d had enough flits between “he likes doing it” so he’ll carry on to he rarely acknowledges there is an issue.
coke has destroyed out family. I’ve had to put my home up for sale and finally found the strength to say enough is enough.
my heart goes out to anyone who is dealing with this problem.. there seems to be so many of us in the same boat! It’s scary.
wish you all the best for dealing with it and hopefully you’ll have a better outcome than I did x
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I’m glad to hear you’re staying strong – I know it’s so hard when you care for someone.
That’s one thing I struggle with – when they say they don’t have a choice. While I am understanding that an addiction is an illness and their mind is telling them things that just aren’t true, there has to be an element of free will in there, or nobody would ever recover. While I’ve accepted my partner was ill, he was also acutely aware of how badly I was suffering as a result of what he was doing (and he wasn’t at any point nasty to me – just leaving me to deal with just about everything including a house move while he was out spending all of our savings and his full wage is bad enough!). He needs to know what he’s doing and how it’s affecting you and that’s there’s consequences or his head will keep telling him “it’s fine, she’ll forget about it in a couple weeks” and this gives him an excuse to continue. My partner admitted to relapses in the last year and I supported him, and he had a few weeks of going to meetings then right back to the addiction because nothing had changed, he still had me and his home so in his head, why bother?
I have good and bad days. My partner is still out of our home (that we only moved into in December) and won’t be back for a while – if I ever feel comfortable having him back here. He’s made amazing progress, he’s is coming up to a month’s sobriety and is going to meetings everyday. He’s also got mental health working with him. He has put us through so much and that can’t be fixed in a few weeks of sobriety, though I know he’s desperate to come home. I fully believe if I didn’t boot him out and let him hit rock bottom he would never have pulled himself out of this. Sometimes I can see a light at the end of the tunnel for us, but at same time I’ve so much anger for what he’s done. Has your partner tried meetings or sought any help for what he’s doing?
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I don’t think we’ll ever understand the feeling as we’re not addicts. I’ve read books on addiction and tried to research as much as I could to help him (both 4 years ago when we first met and again from last year) but I’ll never really understand.
He’s living at his mum’s nearby and still comes round for the dog everyday. We’ve had dinner together and been for walks but I’m taking it all really slowly. Probably for his sake as well as mines as I’m still so angry and I have a lot of questions so it can be a bit emotionally exhausting for both of us. I don’t know what’ll happen and probably won’t for a long time, but I’m taking that time as I need it and I’m not going to be pressured into rushing the decision. I think I’ve reached the end of my tether (finally lol).
He’s never gonna get help if he doesn’t realise he has a problem. And it’s not up to you to guide him, the thought of losing you because he can’t stop should be enough of a guide (though I know an addicts mind is probably telling him otherwise but he’ll see it eventually).
It’s so hard to know what’s best to do but make sure you’re taking good care of yourself. I can’t even say when you’ll have had enough as I thought I’d had enough when I split with mines in 2018 – I said I’d never go back to that. But then he recovered and changed and we were great for 3 happy years – but somehow I’m back in the same position as his addiction reared its head again. And with our new house it’s so much harder to run away, plus I know mines can recover and he did do it before but then for how long? Definitely try to focus on you, try to find things that make you happy and put yourself first.
I’ve droned on here as the venting can feel quite good at times like this! x
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I think you’ll know when enough is enough. I threatened to end it probably weekly over the last year alone.
My final Tipping point was finding messages to prostitutes on his phone, but it was more the lies that did it and the abuse of our finances. Someone who is making out that it’s all in your head, you’re the bad one constantly accusing them of being off their head when they’re not apparently (but they are). Being in a constant state of worry and questioning your own reality finally takes its toll. I was scared and thought I’d never survive and afford to live without my partner but in hindsight I think that’s part of the control to make you not leave, if that makes sense?
I find it hard every day not being with him because I’d love nothing more for him to stop and be the good person that I know he is under it all; but I just can’t see it happening because he won’t admit it’s an issue.
it’s a heartbreaking situation that will drag you down. It’s good advice to concentrate on yourself. Find a hobby separate from your partner that you have for yourself that you can enjoy and have a break from the situation, it will keep you sane!
I hope your situations don’t end up like mine and I hope your partners see the light! X-
I’m absolutely heartbroken for you Cap50 but you’re doing what’s best for you and that’s wonderful. It’s so easy to sacrifice yourself trying to help someone else and it’s impossible when they won’t help themselves. He’ll know what he’s lost and we can only hope that’ll help him to find the right path, at some point.
My partner fully acknowledges what he’s done and doesn’t make excuses. But being with an addict in the grips of addiction drives you so insane with paranoia who knows if I’ll recover from that enough to move forward. I’d love for us to have a happy ending that doesn’t involve relapses but even if that happens will I always be waiting for my world to collapse x
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I’ve always had to detach. Take time for me, so tons of feel good gym classes, eating well, do some skincare, read a book, watch something funny on Netflix. But even having him in the house was too much and it’s obviously a lot easier to detach and forget about what’s going on when I’ve the place to myself!
I do think it’s good to have time apart to think clearly about what you want – for him as well as you. If he spends that time up to no good that’s on him and not you.
Definitely be kind to yourself x
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I really feel for you. It’s so hard to keep going around in circles. I don’t think they mean to keep hurting you it’s what that stuff does to their brain, it turns them to selfish people and the most frustrating thing is they can’t see it or refuse to see the damage it does to everyone around them.
I sounded like you till I’d eventually had enough. You have to put yourself first.. do you really want to keep living like this? If he won’t get help then you need to protect your mental health. You’ll end up in some dark and lonely places otherwise. Have a break from the relationship see if time apart gets you some perspective maybe? The one think I’ve learnt the hard way is you cannot fix them, no amount of pleading will change them.. you can only work on you. You have one life so choose how you want to live it.
If a relationship is draining the life from you, you got to ask is it worth it? Only you know the answers but surround yourself with people who love you and make you the best version of you x -
I could have written all of this myself, except the bit about moving out. My husband will not go. I found out he has been taking cocaine 4 months ago. I now find out it has probably been for the last 6 years and it appears he is known for it. I have never been allowed to ask questions about anything, especially money. And permanently am held to ransom. We have 3 amazing children and a job.
I honestly vmcannot take anymore. I have told him, written to him text him. He just will not go. How can I get rid??? He is taking this vile stuff with the children in the house. I have a 16vyear old daughter, a 15 year old son and a 12 year old daughter ??????
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Hi Ahurtwife,
So sorry to hear you’re going through this, especially with children to look after. If your husband isn’t willing to leave off of his own back after you’ve asked him to, it might be worth your while speaking to a solicitor to see what your options are? Sometimes a lawyers letter is all that’s needed. I’d probably change the locks and tell him his stuff is outside but I know that might cause a scene!
Not being allowed to ask questions in your marriage seems really disrespectful, as does him not putting your three kids first. I would definitely be trying to get him out the house so you can focus on you and your kids and having a bit of normality. If he works on himself and can find a way to be the support you need in your lives then great, but at the moment it doesn’t sound like he’s taken any steps to recovery and if he’s not even willing to talk about it, you can’t help him right now. He needs to sort this out himself.
Wishing you and your family all the best x
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Here where im sitting infront of my laptop at the moment my heart is breaking into a million pieces that will never ever be whole again. I met a girl on our support group (Opiate painkillers for me, i was under a truck with my bike in 2018 and got addicted to painkillers) She was so vunerable and unstable because her boyfriend of 3 years left her at that exact time. We made a suicide pact together, but we never went through with it, as i fell completely in love with her. But she didnt want to get into a relationship which i underestood. I did however said some bad things to her that triggered her, but to me it wasnt that offensive at all) But ive got a huge part in this as well, and im beating myself over it every day. Last week she went on a binge and she fell asleep in my arms. When she woke up, she thought i was an intrufer somehow, still dont understand it, and chased me out of her flat at 1am in the morning and my cousin came and oicked me up. Stuff like this happened 5 times over the course of 3 months already, and i made a restraining order against her. I know she is hurting so badly, and im badly hurt, But we dont speak at all now, her ex husband wants her back seriously and made death threats against me and tried to get me fired by posting stuff on our company facebook page. And this is after i cared for her, gave her money for food, quite a few bucks, and i was her best friend. and it was the start of something great. But now everything is back to her oild self where she meet up with her druggie friends, and God only knows whats happening at the moment. This has broken me in half, like no other lady in my life has ever done. I am now truly for the first time really really broken. My cat even died at exactly the same time. Its been a very bad 2 weeks for me, as ive lost friends, my love of life, my cat, everything. im just working myself into oblivion so that my mind cannot wander. Ive even made up all my plans, got my will ready, got my funeral policies, and all other arrangements made. the only thing still to do is the THING. But im a sissy that cannot go through with it as im too scared, I dont know where my life is taking me now. but im back at square one where i locked myself out of society for 5 years after the bike accident. no friends, no family. nobody. and its one of the reasons why her being in my life was such lifesaver. Cheers everybody. I hope all of you the best and may your lifes turn for the best. xxx, Pieter Vickers
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Pieter: Your post is heartbreaking. It’s awful what you have been through. You didn’t mention her name, so I’ll just call her She. She has her own situation going on that really doesn’t have anything to do with you and makes herself not really available for you. Try not to take it personally, she would probably be this way to anybody right now. The group support was a great idea and I hope you continue with it or try a new one. I’m gonna start with a new counselor next week. Some life events are just too overwhelming to get through without some help. People will fail you and let you down in your life. It happens to everybody, it happens from people that are closest to you that you would never expect. It is unrealistic to expect to go through your whole life and this to not happen. Unfortunately it is a part of life. Like your cat passing. When you are ready, maybe get another. I have two cats right now, but have lost four in the last 20 years. So sad when they pass, but I don’t regret having any of them. Sometimes life has to be just one moment at a time. Don’t look so far in the future. You found this place, which has been great for me. Hopefully it will be for you as well
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Iv found myself in this group as feel so alone right now just need to off load I think and relate to others going through similar situations ..I feel for every single one of you having to go through the same roller coaster emotions having someone close suffering through addiction …IV gone through a twenty year domestic violent relationship to ging out of that to going through a heroine crack cocaine addiction with my daughter who got clean fortunateley from that but is now back dabbling with prescription drugs and cocaine drink is also playing a big part in it too aswell as this IV got my son using cocaine too on a regular basis he’s come back to live with me whilst my partner is a alcholic also ..I’m at my Witt’s end and really struggling to cope with the situation IV been put in ..
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