[delilah]

I’ve found out that my daughter’s boyfriend is a cocaine addict, and drug pusher. Out of the goodness of my heart I invited him to move in with us as his father has MS and Covid 19 could pose fatal results. He could lock down with us. She has been in a relationship with him for 18 months. He is 24 years old and she is 21. They met while working at a bar. He comes from a very disadvantaged area and my daughter is fortunate enough to have been given every opportunity possible. Private education and currently studying at a top university. He is unemployed but trying hard to get in to college as a mature student. Covid revealed him. He used cocaine one night in our home, threw up in our bathroom, slept on the couch and my daughter discovered the evidence the next morning. I sat back and it played out. He left the next day. She said she couldn’t take it anymore. She has now told me that he has a drug problem, she had indulged too but gave up 5 months ago and has clearly become co-dependent. She confided in me about all their activities and I now know that all my suspicions were correct. My mother died in December ’18, I stayed with friends for New Year and came back home and found cocaine residue in our den. My daughter and her boyfriend stayed in bed until 3pm the day I got back, I had to clean up. I was so out of my mind because of my bereavement, I didn’t have the energy to confront. When I did, I was told I was mad. I have a had 18 months of hell with my daughter’s personality change and now I know why. I am angry, sad and feeling very unforgiving as now that the relationship has ended she continues to be disrespectful towards me, and sometimes cruel. I told her last night that she was not a good person. I now feel guilty. She has gone to stay with her father for a couple of weeks. I gave him brief details and said she needed to tell him the facts. Is it OK to feel these feelings and tell her how I feel. I’ve raised her on my own, I left her dad when she was 3 months old – he was also abusing drugs. Compassionate views appreciated.

[kel1]

I absolutely think you have every right to feel exactly what you are feeling. Like anything, at first those feelings are intense, then gradually we begin as people to process them.

I’m so sorry you’ve been going through hell. Cocaine is literally the “devil drug”. Absolutely ruined my family and transformed my ex into something I don’t recognize, as you’re right it completely changes their personality.

Think it’s a fair move for her to go have some space at her father’s, and for you also to “breathe” and deal with everything that’s been going on, including your bereavement, which by the way I’m very sorry.

It sounds like you need to focus on you for a bit. If your daughter has given the coke up then that’s good, however she probably needs to take responsibility for everything that’s happened, and how she treated you and in time maybe she will.

You’ve kept her safe all her life and done your best so I’m sure she will come to her senses. She’s probably carrying some shame, guilt and embarrassment around with her which will highten her emotional state.

Might be worthwhile reading about the affects cocaine has on the brain. I learned alot – YouTube is a good place to start. It kind of explains the mood swings and changes in personality.

Al Anon is a good service also for families affected by substance misuse.

Best wishes and I’m here if you need to talk.

[Author]

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