[l54321]

I have been with my partner for 2 years, I have never been in love with anybody as I am with him. 1 year ago alcohol started affecting our lives. I know he has had issues with it prior to our relationship, but obviously there were ‘reasons’ and ‘not that he is an alcoholic’. I am sick to death with our lives being affected by his addiction. Events that are marred and ruined, the fact that I am trying to home school 3 children, work from home for 40 hours a week while he drinks around the clock. Being accused of flirting with men I am talking too from work. Him shouting at me that I don’t do anything during the day when I am stuck on a computer trying to earn money. He is furloughed and earning twice as much as me to lie in bed attempting to kill himself through alcohol. We have his daughter every other weekend so she will be coming this Friday for a couple nights, funny how he always seems to sort his s*** out when his daughter comes. Every time he has an episode its like a part of the love we have is being eaten away. I am fed up with searching for alcohol, finding it in the car, toilet cistern, sometimes he hides it in a bush down the road. I look at him and see how utterly pathetic and useless the alcohol makes him. Incapable of having a conversation, telling the truth, crying sometimes which I feel is just to invoke some kind of sympathy – of which I have none. I am hard on him, I hate him for ruining our relationship. We were supposed to get married on Saturday 9th May, we should of been commiserating together but he hasn’t been here mentally since his daughter was last here. I turn 40 this Friday 15th May, I know I don’t have any celebration or present from him as he would have to ask for money to get me something (I move all the money out of our joint accounts because I refuse to spend food money for children on his alcohol habit) I am actually feeling incredible selfish about my feelings at the moment and hate him, hate him hate him. I hate myself for being foolish enough to fall in love with an alcoholic and bring him into the lives of my children. I was 16 when I moved in with my 23yr old alcoholic boyfriend, he was a functioning alcoholic with a good job and I had no idea that’s what he was, I just though he liked a drink. He was abusive, mostly mentally, sometime physically. For 6 years I allowed him to destroy my self respect until there was little left. It took years to build myself to where I was when I met my fiancée. Now I cannot believe I am in this situation again. The lies and manipulation of addicts disgust me. They accuse you of cheating, flirting, lying about things because they are paranoid because they shove drink and dugs inside themselves. Its physical he says, dangerous to just stop, yet a night on the Charlie & not a drop touched for 24 hours, so not so dangerous you can’t substitute it for something else instead?! Last Thursday he went to hospital, which he often does during one of this pathetic episodes. Apparently he had a fit while he was there, what the hell does it take wake the hell up and pull yourself together, realise you are killing yourself and selfishly hurting everyone who loves you. He wonders why there isn’t more help for alcoholics, there are drugs the hospital can give which will take away the side effects of withdrawal. Geeze, only a bloody addict would wonder why! As I told him the other day, why should the NHS keep sorting out people that keep voluntarily shoving s*** inside themselves. Because an addict will immediately go back to drinking or drug of choice. Can you imagine the queues in the hospital full of selfish addicts repeatedly going to them for treatment to walk out and stick two fingers up to the help they receive by putting themselves straight back into their dangerous situation of choice.

I feel ashamed of him using the NHS service during a time when they are overloaded already treating people that deserve to be treated. Somewhere inside me though I am terrified for his safety, that I don’t want to lose the man I thought was the love of my life. When he’s good and sober he is amazing, but it feels hard to remember this when he is having an ‘episode’. I feel for everyone dealing with an addict, my heart goes out to you. Reading your stories does help me not to feel quite so alone, but also sad that addition is prevalent in so many lives.

[kel1]

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this once again! I can sense the frustration. Have you ever heard of Al Anon? They support families affected by substance misuse, particularly alcoholics.

If he is alcohol dependant then he would need to reduce very gradually to avoid alcohol related withdrawals. Withdrawal from alcohol can lead to death, so if in the instance he had a seizure then he would need to attend the hospital regardless of your opinions and feelings about that.

Has he ever been to any services that could give him the support he needs? Or AA meetings?

The first step he would need to do is admit he has a problem, then perhaps discuss his problem with his GP and refer himself into a service which support people affected by substances.

Perhaps start to focus on you now and your reactions to this situation, because I can’t imagine this is helping with your well being.

No amount of anger, resentment and or any other negativities will help this situation, it will only harm you more.

Keep talking, keep sharing and reading other people’s stories as you will begin to understand the nature of addiction.

If it was as easy and as logical as “just give up” then deaths associated to alcoholism wouldn’t be the third leading killer in the UK.

Best of luck

[l54321]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I know my current feelings will not help anybody, I am a total believer that negative feelings affect you more than anyone else but feel unable to redirect them at the moment. But it does help to have people reaffirm this to me, for that I thank you and I know I will reach that phase at some point.

He has been to hospital many times, has phone support from AA, attended meetings in person before. Had support from individuals that have been through the same thing and come out the other side & spoken to his GP on many occasions. He’s been unable to hold a coherent conversation for the last week, how they are supposed to take anything in when they are drunk is impossible to imagine.

I contacted Al Anon the weekend and spoke to a lovely lady that let me cry and vent. It did release some of the frustration I was feeling.

I also know I am powerless to do anything about it and the only person that can help him is him. We have been ‘weening’ him off the alcohol for a few days, but as he has no work or anything else to answer too as he is furloughed, it’s like he cannot be bothered to continue cutting down and has carte blanch to continue. I have seem him do it so many times where he drinks because he’s between jobs, cuts back and stops drinking because he has to go to work, I know its a disease of body and mind but I have seen him choose to stop and get better in a controlled way, just when it suits. This is not me belittling alcoholism and the power it has, just what I have experienced with my partner, hence why I know when his daughter visits Friday he will have sorted himself, otherwise he would lose access. So it very much feels like there is a degree of choice. He chooses to get drunk around my children and then sobers for his own, naturally I feel angry on behalf of my children and myself. I know people will be thinking its not a choice, and I do agree that the addiction is definitely not a choice, finding the strength from within when it suits is though because I see it happen. I am only talking from what I am experiencing and am not judging or saying other addicts ‘choose’ in this way, maybe my mind is clouded by the devastation I am currently feeling.

Thank you once again for your kind words and encouragement.

[kel1]

Really good to hear you’ve spoken to someone from Al Anon. They’ve literally been a lifeline for me and many people dealing with the affects of substance misuse.

The thing about negativities is more about detachment. If you detach from the addicts behaviour then you take it’s power away from you. It’s all designed to shift the focus back onto you so you begin to take care of yourself. It’s far from easy watching your life slip away from you. It’s in no way a criticism.

I’m glad he has attempted getting support, however I am aware that they will only change when they want to change, so I agree with you on that.

Some alcoholics might have a level of control, and that can be frustrating in it self, but to sustain that for longer periods of time presents it’s challenges for an addict. Look at it this way – the addict may not drink when his daughter comes along, but he knows full well that he will after his daughter leaves which would make it easier to maintain sobriety in the short term. Hope that makes sense.

It might be worthwhile talking to his GP or someone if you are concerned about the speech. It could be a sign of something else possibly and not just because he has consuming alot of alcohol.

During anytime in life living with an alcoholic is tough let alone during lockdown. I really feel for you all.

Here comes the hard part, we all have choices in life. You have to consider where you want to go from here and keep you and your family safe.

Take good care

[l54321]

Been up most of the night giving him controlled alcohol to try and control the withdrawal pains, jerking and vomiting. Three quarters of a litre of vodka and it’s not helped him at all. He’s been hallucinating vision & sound all night. Called 111 at 1am they wanted to send an ambulance but he refused the offer. This morning it was too much for him, the alcohol doesn’t get rid of any of the withdrawals symptoms & I called 111 again, they didn’t give the option & sent an ambulance. Feeling scared for him, guilty for the use of NHS guilty and thankful for my children who seem to take it in their stride. I feel like a terrible mother that they have had to witness this.

[kel1]

Oh I’m sorry to hear this. Sounds as though he needs a hospital detoxification which obviously needs to be done in a clinical setting so try not to beat yourself up about the services. It’s safer and set up to save lives.

I think the key is for him to sustain abstinence when he is discharged otherwise the cycle just continues. I know how scary it is and I’m sad that you’ve had to go through all this. It’s not easy to live with and I’m sure this is not what you wanted in a relationship. You deserve so much better and so does your family.

Keep going back to Al Anon. Can even give you some details of meetings if you like. You’re very brave to keep chatting here and sharing what you’re going thru.

[didi82]

It’s the hardest thing loving an alcoholic, my husband has been been going through his on and off for 7 years now. He can be really lovely and then just turn into someone that can’t be reasoned with. I now can’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth which is no basis for a healthy relationship. I know myself how hard it is to walk away but I think it may be the last option. My son has witnessed all sorts and the guilt eats me up every day so I understand totally how you feel. My thoughts are with you

[l54321]

It was probably writing everything down in this forum that made something inside me flip from anger to reasonable. It was like my anger totally subsided yesterday afternoon. We had a conversation in the evening and he told me how relieved he was that I seemed calm and supportive. I know anger is unhelpful and actually destructive but I couldn’t help my anger. Rereading my post today made me cry to realise how I was feeling only yesterday and days before that. I feel love and concern for him again. It was horrible last night not knowing when it’s appropriate to call an ambulance in these situations and I might be letting him die because I don’t know what I’m doing. Him pointing out spiders on the wall that don’t exist, people that he can see or asking if I can hear that noise.

The hospital have given him meds to stop withdrawal symptoms, he sounds exhausted, but like he’s there again and the drink is gone. He’s had an X-ray on his stomach and they told him there is an issue but they haven’t told him what yet. Hopefully something that will not be permanent, but I can’t stop myself feeling like he deserves it after the way he’s just tortured his body and mind. I can’t imagine putting mine through that & expecting to come out unscathed time and time again.

I cannot imagine being seven years into repeating the same cycle, yet every time he comes back from it he is still the man I fell in love with, that dotes on me and the children. I just don’t know what the answer is my hope is up and down at the moment. This was one of his more significant episodes. My heart goes out to you, I feel like I’m grieving each time this happens and can only imagine you feel the same. I hate the children being exposed to this. So many conflicting thoughts to process and the lies are so damaging, it’s a roller coaster of rebuilding your relationship and life, for them to kick the crap out of it whenever it’s fitting for them. I know its not that simple but that is the effect it has.

Thank you so much for your comments, I feel talking here has really helped me to unburden my feelings and gain a little clarity. Love and best wishes.

[kel1]

We are all here to support one another, and I am glad you’ve found some support for yourself. Talking things through and reasoning things out with others helps us all, even when we don’t want to or feel defensive.

Walking down this path with an alcoholic is definitely not one to do alone, so good for you for reaching out.

We all get angry and in more ways than one it’s designed to protect ourselves and keep us safe from harm. It’s ok to be angry, however anger does make us irrational.

Its good that he is getting support at the hospital as it sounds like he was in severe withdrawal (DT’s). Probably scared the hell out of him too. Hopefully he can get some support on discharge, even if it is online zoom meetings with AA.

Addiction has ruined my family, broke my heart over and over again, so I’d like to send hugs and understanding from one fellow to another that is going through the throws of addiction. It’s hard, it’s emotional, it’s draining, it’s frustrating, confusing and most of all soul destroying.

Focus on your recovery and keep talking. Be nice to yourself because this life wears you down, chips away at self esteem and removes all logic. X

[l54321]

Massive hugs back to you, I’m so sorry for all your heartache too. You must be such an amazingly strong person with all you’ve been through and I thank you for your support.

He is being kept in hospital overnight being given constant meds and fluids and the tests & X-ray were all ok in the end and they have someone going in to see him tomorrow to get him on a program. It’s giving me an opportunity to have some time to myself, which I never get. I miss him so much not being here, but feel some relief at having a break from all the chaos, whilst knowing he is safe and in good hands.

I hope you have a peaceful stress free evening and I’m sending you virtual hugs X

[kel1]

Bless you. You’re doing great yourself and also very brave. It’s so nice to have a break isn’t it. I get it.

I hope for all of you that he manages to access the programme and actually stick to it. Might be worthwhile finding a good counsellor so he can begin to explore some of the deeper reasons he drinks alcohol. Personally I think that’s where he will benefit the most.

Keep talking and received the hugs with love thank you.

Wishing you hope, strength and healing. X

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. It must be so hard particularly at the moment in lock down.

I’m so glad that you are getting support from people on this site and from Al Anon too. If you feel you need any other help please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to people who are dealing with a partner’s addiction. We have people you could talk with if you get in touch, and they would be able to let you know what other help there is for you in your area.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[l54321]

Thank you for the information I will look into it, I’ve had some good support from work & HR, my company has 24 hour helpline to support people dealing with these issues, so I’ve found out today so I will give that a bash 1st I think, thank you every life line is appreciated.

He has returned from hospital this afternoon and things have far from gone away. The doctor at the hospital apparently told him he needs to cut down still but to keep drinking, I believe it but I don’t believe it, I distrust him so much.

Within an hour he was asking to go to the shop to get a mini bottle of wine, not knowing what the hell I am supposed to do for the greater good I agreed to 4 cans of beer. He had one, I locked the rest up and within an hour he was asking for another! Honestly thought my head was going to explode! I asked what part of 2 beers in an hour came anywhere near weening yourself off, told him yes you feel like shit, you should feel like shit and whatever the doctor said, you are hearing what you want to hear and that is continue drinking!! Ffs give me strength. We all do it, we hear what we want to hear and I’m no different, that’s why we are so blind to how bad their problem is until it literally smacks us in the chops. Needless to to say he didn’t get the second one for another 2 hours, and it will be drawn out as long as I can. I asked him what he felt was reasonable time between drinks, he had in mind to work it out based upon the number of cans he has left as he can’t have any left in the house in the morning. I negotiated differently and suggested 3 hours between, so next drink is 10pm and as it will be bed shortly after and that I would kindly pour the other one down the sink for him, he agreed. That he will get up when I do whether he sleeps or not tonight because at least he will stand a better chance of getting a good night sleep tomorrow night. He will do stuff around the house and try and build his self esteem up so he can feel like a man again, instead of the pathetic shell he currently is. There’s no drinking until 4pm tomorrow and we will do the same cycle. That I will not be driving the 30 minutes to collect his daughter Friday and so he will need to be sober to do so or forfeit seeing her. The way you’re reading this probably sounds like I’ve been yelling at him and giving ultimatums, but I’ve somehow kept my cool and been supportive and done it more like we are doing a brain storming exercise, discuss the pros & cons of each choice, we’ve discussed that the effects addiction has on the brain renders him unlikely to make good decisions regarding his welfare. I’ve tried to explain it to him that I will help him but I won’t accept the state he was again, and that he can let me (attempt because lord knows I haven’t the foggiest) to guide him off, control the drinking, encourage him to do normal day to day things, have some caffeine in the morning like most other folk that are able to function. I‘ve told him I don’t expect miracles overnight but I have to see changes, he can just make some small changes or go down the same path and we’re essentially finished. I didn’t say it as a threat just this is going to be the only outcome, because I can’t cope with it. It’s his choice and I’m giving him a choice through all of it and with talking things through he is so far making the right ones that will ultimately save his life. He’s on a zoom AA meeting as I write, I didn’t suggest it and he didn’t mention it until it was time for it to start. So we will see what happens. Im not getting my hopes up, it feels like they will be dashed forever, but it’s a start and I’m grateful for the support network I’ve had here, at work, my family and especially the amazing person that made such a difference to my state of mind the last couple of days – I am sending massive hugs to you again. X

[kel1]

I think you’ve done amazingly and been extremely supportive.

Sounds like the hospital may have given him a partial detox. You could request a discharge summary from the hospital and Chase up with GP for more guidance.

Usually with withdrawals it’s about drinking to what the body requires – so he’d need to learn to understand physical withdrawal and not psychological. In other words drink what you need and not what you want.

He should be grateful towards you as you sound really caring and supportive. It’s just sad you’re having to go through this. It’s awful I know. Devastating.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself and remember ultimately it’s his responsibility. Pleased he is going to AA zoom meetings, he could go to them all day if he wanted to keep his motivation going.

[Author]

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