[lemonysnicket]

I posted my story getting on for a year and a half ago. After several years where I had believed my husband was not using (cocaine), I discovered he had massive debts and was on the point of bankruptcy. His business was wound up and I divorced him and we are in the process of selling our home. We are still in very close contact. I still love him and didn’t want to divorce him and of course he did not want it either, but I felt that enough was enough. I couldn’t trust him, my financial security (and that of my two children) was at risk and I couldn’t see anything changing. My family were terrified about what might happen next, as was I, because he had hidden so much from me and taken us almost to the point of financial ruin.

He had been going to NA meetings on and off, but was getting no other therapy. I was afraid it would all start up again and like before, I would be none the wiser. I should say that over the years of his using for most of the time it was hidden from me. Our finances were always separate.

I’m now at the point where the family home is being sold and I will move temporarily into rented accommodation before buying a new home. I feel very anxious and tearful. I don’t feel I’m coping well, and lockdown has not helped I realise as it’s difficult to talk to friends and family. He is living with family but has a new, very well paid job, and he can pay off his debts once the house is sold, and start building himself up again financially providing he stays on the straight and narrow.

I feel a mixture of guilt, regret and sadness. I want to believe I could be with him again in future but I don’t know if this is healthy or not. I’m going to seek some therapy for myself. I am dreading leaving the house, as are the kids.

We read lots of stories written by partners of addicts but they are usually focused on the scary times involved with discovering the problem and/or trying to make sense of what is happening. Can anyone tell me of what happened next? How did you cope with a new life alone? Has anyone ever reconciled with their addict and what steps did you both have to take to get to that point? When did you start feeling better and how did you get help for yourself? Thank you all.

[dfh]

Hi lemony, hope you are ok?

I can’t really give much help but will try my best. I’m on here on and off, think you know my situation. Husband addicted to opiates and crack.

I had a rant on here a while ago…had pretty much reached a point where I wanted to make it work but was reluctant to get dragged along on the roller coaster any further. Like you, middle of a house sale/purchase and he was unable to get a mortgage due to payday loans etc.

So, I pushed ahead with house and distanced myself from his behaviour. At first he threw it in my face in arguments but then he must have realised he was the problem. He reached out to his key worker who arranged detox and then rehab. He was that bad he used the night before detox. Since then, he has done detoc and went straight to rehab today in fact. It’s looking promising. I move house next friday and me and my kids are so much more relaxed.

My advice, press on with what you need to do. Distance from his behaviour but not him. He has to realise himself he needs help and only he can do that journey. Don’t carry his baggage by worrying. There’s little to nothing you can do for him any way and only you will ultimately lose out. Be strong, supportive and there for him but distance yourself from the harmful side of it.

It will all work out I promise you. You have been on this path as long as I have been on here. I wish you the best, you will get through xx

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you Dfh for your kind words. I feel like I’m getting weaker as he gets stronger, because he has been doing really well for a few months now, maybe that’s why I am worrying about the decisions I’ve made… I don’t know if it’s the prospect of moving, and leaving behind our home and all the memories of family life here, or regret and guilt about the decisions I’ve taken, or just general regret about what might of been, or fear of being alone, or a delayed reaction to everything, or the difficulties of lockdown, but I am full of anxiety. But deep down I know that if I’d stayed with home nothing would have changed and he would not have started to sort himself out. I’m going to see if I can gt some therapy for myself. I should have done it long ago but it’s so difficult when you are in the thick of it. Take care and thank you again xx

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