[paul0572]

This is my 2nd post, my first one was about 12 months ago and nothing has changed apart from my girlfriend even more addicted to coke and she’s found better ways of hiding it from me . Basically im the only one who knows and the only one who really cares about her . She’s basically turned me into the bad guy to her family saying that she’s not sure if she wants to be with me that’s why we are arguing , when we know the real reason why we are arguing , recently found out she owes the dealer over £800 for a month , when she’s only on that a month for her job ! My question is does she really hate me and our relationship or is it just the drugs taking over? Bare in mind we’ve been together for 10 years and inseparable for 8 until coke came into the situation, also she has clinical depression and emotional personality disorder…thanks for reading , any advice would be great

[chris81]

Hey Paul – I’ve tried typing this a few times and decided on answering your subject question as I’m guessing thats the main answer you are looking for?

Do cocaine addicts change? The answer is YES. Speaking from previous addiction (crack cocaine for 2.5 years with £20k of debt) I one day just decided enough was enough and stopped, sure it went a bit back and forth as in relapse however each time I did just made me realise how I silly I was being and gave me more encouragement and belief in myself to stop. I now have two beautiful children, a wife, a home, a good job and finances are “better” 🙂

Just know that people do change, they have to want it, but things CAN change.

Without the support of my girlfriend at the time and family being there is no way I would have been able to get out, so really where I am today is owed to them and they are the true heroes. A lot of people (who know) give me a lot of credit for kicking the habit, little do they know that without people like yourself who stand by and support people with drug and mental issues are the ones that really do make the difference and open up the possibility for change.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it may feel that you’re not getting anywhere right now or helping in any way, but I promise you, you are, just by being there.

[paul0572]

First thing , mate I’m so happy that you have you life back I’ve seen the damage this drug has done to us and I’m so glad there are happy endings . It’s mad me go crazy at times . Following her , going to see her dealer , taking away her cash card etc.,..none of it worked . It’s just so hard for me to watch her basically destroy her self and I can’t do anything about it . Also when she’s telling her family who no nothing about it that our relationship is bad cos we are arguing , when to be honest we are only ever arguing about coke , which is rare because I know it’s an illness , I’m just thinking am I the problem and if I left would she be better off or is she just saying this to deflect the situation to her family . She went to her friends on Saturday for a drink , told me she wouldn’t be having coke but didn’t come home till the following morning , basically I woke up to a text saying I need you please come and pick me up , so I do. She slept all day just wanting me to hold her. She woke up today and was so cold with me like she forgot about yesterday , I don’t understand any of this , it looks like when she’s used she wants me to be there for her but when she’s craving it she hates me , even tho we’ve been together 10 years and I’ve stood by her and been supportive though all her mental health issues and always managed to pick her back up , I just don’t know if I’m the issues here ?

[paul0572]

Basically I’m saying is not normal for the addict to be so hatful to the person who loves them and cares about them the most ?

[lookingforhope]

You are not the issue here. It is an awful disease and a vile drug.

A common thing I am reading is that we can’t do the work for our addicted loves one, which is so hard on us. They really have to want to get help.

I would say if you are staying with your partner, for your own sanity set some clear boundaries and be prepared to stick with them.

Coming on here has helped me a lot, it can be so isolating dealing with an addicted partner

[chris81]

Hey Paul – Thanks for the words 🙂

In short, no, you’re not the problem, you are her crutch, which is a good thing, as much as it may seem pointless.

I was the same, with my parents, my friends, my girlfriend – I had anger towards them and would never stop to think how it was effecting them. To start with obviously no one knew, but when I knew it was becoming a problem I told my girlfriend, she had actually been thinking I was having an affair, from the late nights, being distant, sex life etc, so in a weird way it was a relief to her to find out I wasnt.

Even after telling her I kept using, things got worse in terms of addiction, I spent more than I could afford, begged, borrowed and stole to get a fix and at times even did it in front of her – BUT I honestly believe this was the difference maker, the fact that it wasnt a secret any more and the fact I had someone to talk to and be there for me.

There is one memory that has always stuck with me, as if it had happened not 10 minutes ago, we were arguing as I wanted to go get some, or I could have been asking her for money, one or the other, or both, and I remember walking out of the bedroom and shouting “so why are you even with me then”, her reply was simply “because I love you”, even typing that makes me emotional, the point Im trying to make is that although right in the moment it may feel like your words, or advice, or love, are making no difference what so ever, but I promise you they are, even if in the smallest way it will make a difference and your girlfriend will use those moments to reflect on and draw strength from when the time is right, but its got to be on her terms and when its right for her.

With regards to her family, do you have a good relationship with them? I assume they know what kind of person you are from the amount of time you have been together? They would also know there are two sides to every story.

Have you had a conversation with your girlfriend with regards to stopping? Or thinking of stopping? Does she confide in you when she has taken some?

[paul0572]

I’ve told her parents and they just don’t want to know , as they are basically the problem where the mental health stems from . I’ll always be here for her. But I’m not sure is he’s using me as cover for her addiction as last week she wanted baby and a family and this week she’s told her family that im the problem and she isn’t happy with me , obviously they don’t know about the coke , well how bad it is and not all of them know anything , so I don’t know if she means these things or if it’s the addiction talking

[paul0572]

And yes she does tell me , eventually , basically I know when she’s on it and I will ask her and she will say no I haven’t had any , I just say it’s ok if you have I just want to know so I can sit with you , then she will say yes she has. She wouldn’t tell me if she’s had it and she’s stayed in her mates tho , don’t think she trusts me to tell me everytime

[chris81]

Hmmm, so her family could be the root of her problems? So it could be that she’s using substances to “block out” unwanted emotions and feelings as a quick fix rather than coping / dealing with them?

The fact she tells you at all would suggest she does trust you, and love you. It’s very hard for an addict to admit to anyone, let alone themselves, so its a credit to her, and you that she can talk to you, thats a good start.

Does she show an interest in stopping, like in a serious emotional way? I’m guessing you will have already had the “I can take it or leave it” and “yeah I’m going to stop” but has she admitted she has a problem, or said she “wants” to stop?

[paul0572]

She’s had 2 mental health breakdowns and the root cause is childhood trauma , her mom basically mental and some physical tourtue , and her dad not giving a shit about her. Still doesn’t now. I’ve sat them down about a year ago and told them how bad she was on coke and she was telling them she wants to stop and it basically turned into a witch hunt against my girlfriend. They wouldn’t take any blame. They agreed to help at the time , the help was a phone call once a week to see if she was ok , so obviously she would just say she was , and now it’s worse than ever 12 months down the line. Like I said she will tell me but sometimes I’ll have to force it out of her , but this weekend she went to her friend’s house for a drink and stayed there all night but told me she never had any . Many of times I’ve had to come home from work cos she’s been crying and what’s help , last weekend she was out all night 1 night and when she came home she was begging me to find her help. I got her involved with a cocaine group and I got her InTouch with one of the members , she did the group thing for 2 nights and hasn’t been back on since , now I’m the problem all of a sudden …she wants to stop and is willing to talk about it but now she won’t talk about it , it’s just me and her and I’m the problem , even tho I’ve been there for her through everything and supported her ….it’s just so head fucking

[paul0572]

She basically told me to leave our house 7 months ago as I was the problem then, so I left. That night she was on the phone to me saying sorry and she wants me to come home , so I came back cos she was in a right mess and I found coke on the table , this cycle of her not wanting me then wanting me is exactly that a cycle , when she’s on it or just had it she’s fine with me , wants me to be there wants me to hold her , 1 day or so after she hasn’t had any , she hates me and it’s all my fault she’s doing it

[chris81]

Its a very similar situation / circumstances to which I found myself in, all be it roles reversed with me being the addict. My mum and dad didnt have a clue what to do and would just get a leaflet for me or something trivial, in fairness to them it was all the unknown but at the time I think I was more annoyed that they didnt know how to help me, if anything they just made it worse so I know where you’re coming from.

I would guess that when your girlfriend has had cocaine (or afterwards) she’s scratched an itch and most likely feels euphoric and happy, when shes not had any for a while or wants some thats most likely when you will get the worst of her.

Have you ever considered or spoke about seeking help for her mental health in terms of anti depressants or counselling? I myself am now on Sertraline which is an anti depressant, believe me I was all anti “happy pills” but after it was explained to me and I was put on a plan it changed my personality and mind so much, for the better. I’m just thinking it sounds very much like there is an underlying issue, and thats not you, and until that is dealt with or controlled she is just going to keep self medicating using what she can get her hands on to feel “normal” in her head.

It’s also good for you to find places like this as an outlet to vent your thoughts and feelings as you need the help too, not just her. Please try and not think its your fault, it really isnt.

[paul0572]

She been diagnosed with clinical depression and emotional personality disorder 2 years ago , which she was taking tablets for , I until a friend of hers Introduced her to coke , but she doesn’t take the tablets now , I spoke with a member of the mental health team who used to come to our house to see her about it , she basically told me that using cocaine is the worst thing she could of ever done , as she was prescribed venaflaxine but the mental health team woman told me if she’s using coke , these will have no effect on her as her dopamine will be sky high and rock bottom , these tablets are suppose to keep you stable but won’t work if she’s doing coke . I’ve got hundreds of them lying round the house as her nan goes for them for her and she never takes them . Yeah I think your right about how she uses me like that .can’t she see it’s no fair tho , but I’m a good diversion for the rest of her family

[thistim3]

Cocaine is the devil. Almost 40 years ago, my husband was an occasional user. No big deal he thought as everybody else where he worked was using it. We were together about 10 years and just bought our first house, pregnant with out first. It took ahold of him. I didn’t know what was happening, but I did certainly feel things shift. I was so happy that I was pregnant, and then things were just off. He was different, but I couldn’t figure it out. Gone so much of the time, irritable, distracted, not affectionate, not happy. I thought that eventually he would just tell me what was wrong. Maybe his job. I don’t know. So, I stayed busy took care of him and our kids. He became so awful at times, and didn’t seem to care about anything. This went on/off for about 5 years, until the day that I opened the bank statement. He confessed to the drugs and stopped the cocaine right then. I was devastated. Why did this happen to us? Things got better and I forgot. We never even talked about it again until a few years ago when I suspected that he cheated on me during those years. He denied it, but then again a year ago this was in front of me again. He confessed. What? Devastated again. Why? We weren’t even fighting. I love him, always there for him. I’m not even sure what really happened. The world that I lived everyday with him, wasn’t even reality. I remember cuddling up to his back while he slept wondering what was happening. He has traumatized me with this – and, I suspect he has traumatized himself. He isn’t the man that I fell in love with in the beginning, during those 5 years, or now. He is three different versions of that man. The giving, caring, loving man that I first met didn’t come all the way back to me after he quit the cocaine. Parts of him can’t. He did things that he still can’t even look at – this comes between him and I. He feels that if he shows me the total truth, then I’m gone. Will I be? I don’t know. I didn’t deserve any of this, neither did our children – or, even himself. It’s not easy being married to someone who hides. Thing is, the cocaine version of him – wasn’t him. He says he was the same guy, but he wasn’t. He was selfish, arrogant, mean, careless, cold, lonely, scared, etc. Last year, it felt like it ran over me all over again. Just violently knocked me right over. For months I was a mess, so hard not to cry only to realize that I was crying. After a year of trying to process it all and remembering it all with this new knowledge that he was cheating – it has been so overwhelming. I’m sure that we would not still be together now had I known about this back then. I couldn’t have handled all of it then. It’s too much. All these years later, it’s a different conversation then the one that we would have had then. There probably would not have been a conversation – I would have just left – quietly. I would have found a way to get away from him to save our kids and myself. But, what would have happened to him had I left – this scares me so much. The last 35 years or so have been very happy years. He has come back to me the best that he could. He admitted to two incidents when he relapsed. 6 months after he quit and then just a couple of years ago. That is incredible. I’m proud of him for that. But, so scared about the recent relapse. I love him – always. I want to forget about all of it again and move forward – leave it behind. It haunts me everyday. Some moments are better than others. I can’t look at the old photos from those years. I have chosen and he has chosen not to talk about it. I don’t want to live everyday with it. I feel blessed that we survived it as I know that so many haven’t. God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[heartbroken88]

I’m so sorry you are going through this and I relate hugely. I too have had from my husband for the past two years hatred and blame and that I am the problem – saying he wants a divorce, asking me to leave etc. The thing is until a few months ago I didn’t know it was cocaine. I was relieved and he said he wanted his family back. There was an answer and it wasn’t an affair – as I knew something was off – but never ever imagined drugs.

He has since got worse. Rarely says anything remorseful. We live separately hundreds of miles away and I started a divorce process.

I feel bad reading the other posters comments here from a view of an addict, because I did call him out on his behaviour and I have told some members of his family – in defense of myself (ive been accused of trying to swindle him) and also in hope they would get him support and help. I have been angry frustrated and totally let down by him.

I can’t be the one taking the brunt of this addiction- which I have been – believing it was me who was the problem. We have two very very young children and he hid this huge problem from me and done it in our family home, and then supervised his children – unknowningly to me.

It’s unforgivable.

The arguments between us got so intense to the point of physical- I’d get frustrated at the nasty name calling which was totally unjust and I truly believed I was a problem. His family think I was the problem. But I was on to him and his behaviour and when I decided to leave (before I even knew it was drugs) he must have become desperate. I cottoned on to the drugs as a possibility by accident- he took money from my purse – I don’t work and he is a high earner – this was after a huge fight, which I came off physically injured. Someone close to me suggested drugs, I did the research and and put two and two together.

I was right – and he eventually admitted after of course denying it and making me out to be crazy but I was right because via my research their behaviour is text book but I didn’t know that about drugs.

I feel for you. Because when I found out I was relieved and would I have supported him, yes. But I think I was naive. I needed proof and commitment to his recovery which he hasn’t been forthcoming with and actually his hatred to me had become worse. I am devastated that our children now don’t have a father – he isn’t willing to put them first to recover and that is truly devastating.

I do look at myself and wonder if I had reacted differently or been kinder would it have mattered. But he isn’t in a place to help himself and I’ve played nice, not nice, impartial and nothing makes a difference. There is no ration and reason and for us we take all of the emotional brunt and blame – even to their families and friends. I just couldn’t and can’t do it anymore for the sake of the children.

[thistim3]

Years ago I told his parents. He was mad, but it made a difference and helped him quit. My husband had a great childhood- raised by both his loving parents with his wonderful siblings. There was no bad thing that happened to him that caused him to turn to drugs. I joined a support group all those years ago, which helped me deal with it. This time I went to an IC – nobody else knows.

This privacy has helped us and as much upset as I have been – being with him and talking through this has brought us closer together. He feels embarrassed and humiliated by his behaviors all those years ago. Now we just want to enjoy the years that we have, which is why we have recently chosen not to talk about it as it just puts us in such a bad place.

[Author]

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