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My husband has been drinking for years – I think you would call him a high functioning alcoholic. The last few years it became a real problem and he agreed to ask for help. He spent 4 weeks in rehab, came home and relapsed (badly) very quickly so I asked him to leave. During the time away I had a period of stability – knowing what I would I would be coming home to after a day at work. I suspected he was still drinking as he would be taking cash out and spending more money than he would have needed where he was staying. Still, after several months away he came home – prior to that we had an agreement that he would continue getting support, would speak to me if he was struggling and that he would not drink.
It hasn’t got better. He has continued to drink – on the days when it is not clearly obvious I doubt myself, is it his mental health or is it the alcohol. Chicken and egg. Our daughter finds this really frustrating as she says – and I sort of know she is right – that when he is acting oddly he has definitely had a drink. She and I recognise it in his voice. It may be that his mood means he doesn’t need a lot to drink to be affected, but he has still drunk. I have found receipts, empty (and full bottles) and know there is an effecient plan in place to get the alcohol into and out of the house (no empties going into our recycling and only on the odd occasion have I found him bringing it in).
He is generally better than before – no obvious drinking in the mornings and it is rarer now for him to be incoherent when I get home but my feeling is that by continuing to use alcohol as his crutch and by this secret drinking he really isn’t accepting of the fact that he has a drink problem. And nearly lost his family through this. What happens next time there is a big life event – and at our age those life events are sadly more expected. It will be drink he goes to.
Do I accept that he is a bit better? On the days he doesn’t seem to have drunk I can see the man I married.
Or do I accept the fact that clearly he doesn’t want to give up alcohol and that we are still on this rollercoaster? It is lonelier living with someone that is drunk than living alone.
What about trust? I don’t feel there has been any effort by him to rebuild trust in our relationship however know that rebuilding that is fundamental. If I ask any questions he can turn it back on me or make me feel bad and non supportive of him.
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Hi,
Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings. I can really relate to a lot of the things you’ve talked about here, feeling lonely with someone who drinks, but also what you said about accepting that he is a bit better, is that the right thing to do? I feel exactly the same about my partner. We have only been together for 2 and a half years and lived together just over a year – I knew he had a problem with drinking in the past which he got help for himself (before we met) but this year has just been a real challenge and although he isn’t technically drinking as often, he does it more secretively, he lies about it all the time and I feel like I have lost all trust in him. I have to force myself to just ignore it because if I start checking up on him all the time it will drive me mad and I am trying to hard to look after my own anxieties which is so hard at the moment.
It’s such a difficult thing to know what to do. I really admire your strength and determination, and for coming onto a forum for help – I have just joined this forum today because I just need to let things out and talk about it in some way! I am happy to chat and support in any way I can.
Take care x
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Your stories sound so much like mine! Fiancée has been doing the same secret drinking etc but his is coupled with a gambling addiction. I kicked him out and he went to his mom’s. He’s recently come back but the other day he had secretly drunk when I got home. I’m reaching the end of my tether – I don’t trust him and it makes me feel lonely. I was happier when it was just me here. I think if he doesn’t start to improve soon, I will have to call it a day. Stay strong though – and keep talking. This forum makes me feel so much better and so much less lonely! Xx
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Hi both of you,
I am sorry you are going through such a bad time with your partner’s drinking.
it’s so good that you have found this forum but, if either of you want some more support, you could contact us at Icarus Trust. we are a charity that supports families around people with addictions. we know how hard this is so we have a range of support available. if you get contact I will put you in touch with one of our Family friends, who are trained and experienced. They would listen and let you know what other support is available.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck to both of you.
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Thanks for both of your replies it really does help to know there are others out there who can relate and I can’t tell you how much more clarity I feel already after joining here. It’s great to know that there are those organisations out there to support, but also that other people are having similar feelings about whether to stay or go. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best.
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Couldn’t agree more. I ask myself so many times a day. I’m sat on the sofa right now questioning if he’s been drinking today because he is speaking a little funny and didn’t eat barely any of his dinner… this life is exhausting!
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VMac123 this is my life! He’s drinking tonight and I’ve just let him, he had 3 cans in the fridge. They I suddenly noticed he was out in the garden and he has a carrier bag of cans outside. I feel so guilty that I am so out of energy to deal with this anymore. I don’t know what else I can possibly to to try and support him if he can’t face it himself.
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Hello,
As I lay here in bed alone, I found myself coming on here for support. My partner is out, drinking at a friends house. When he left the house he said he was just going to the shop, that was hours ago. He went to rehab in March and was sober for about 8 months – The best 8 months of our relationship. But he relapsed in November, and he is still drinking. I feel so heartbroken because I love him so much. I can’t bare the thought of leaving, so what do I do! I know that ultimately it’s up to me to decide what im willing to put up with, but things just feel hopeless. He has engaged with his GP and the alcohol team he worked with before, which is a positive in this situation, he is waiting now for a key worker to get in touch, but right now it feels like we are back to square one.
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I hear you both. It’s a lonely lonely world the one we as partners of addicts live in. I am bearing with it at the minute – I think that mine was having a top up drink first thing this morning as I lay next to them in bed but as soon as I moved they spring back – I know there is something hidden but I don’t have the energy to look for it anymore. I’m teaching a point where I know if much more happens I will have to walk away for my own sanity. That thought is almost more painful than the not knowing ????????♀️ I feel like whatever happens I lose unless he actually changes. He’s supposed to have been meeting a counsellor this week but obviously tier 4 means no go to that. I don’t know why he can’t just do phone or online appointments but maybe I’m just too logical!
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It really gets me down too. I have also been through that self doubt, and for me, having hope and faith every time things might start slightly looking up only for it to be shattered after 1 or 2 days is exhausting and draining. I get caught up being so annoyed and angry at myself a lot of the time, as well as the guilt. I am trying to kind of focus on me at the moment and remember that I am human, it’s ok for me to feel what I feel and it’s ok to want to put myself and my future first. It’s ok if I don’t want to use every single resource I have to try and get through this. His addiction is an illness yes, but he can also choose to take responsibility for it and there is so much help and support out there for him to access, and he knows I will be there by his side to help him do it.
Hearing some of you talking about your partners having gone to rehab and spent many months sober, for me that sounds like such a positive thing, but I can also see how it is so heartbreaking when they relapse. But just seeing how your partners at some point could get help, that does give me some hope because my partner at the moment, he can’t even say that it’s a problem at all. I don’t know if he genuinely doesn’t believe it’s a problem, or if he knows it is but just can’t face having to admit it, but it’s just the hardest thing because I feel like I am stuck here in square one and we haven’t been able to venture forward at all yet.
You are all so strong and I hope you can all find time for yourselves, look after yourselves and I am so grateful to come onto the forum every day and have this support x
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Hi HolKat,
Rehab is a wonderful thing, but rehab is the easy bit. It’s when they come out that the real hard work must begin. I know that my partner really needed some aftercare, but he came out just as the first lockdown began, so he couldn’t go to the 2/3 meetings a week that he was attending prior to rehab. He did so well for the first 8 months or so, but then one day he decided to drink. And guess who got the blame for it…Me of course. But I know that I’m not to blame, in the past I probably would have second guessed myself, but I’m more wise to it now. Addicts are very manipulative.
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I really don’t think that they can change if they don’t accept that it is a problem. I have come home every day for a week suspecting he is drunk. I’m finding whisky bottle seals – not the bottle yet – and he’s red faced, words slurred. I’m reaching a point when I just think why do I do this to myself? Enough has to be enough soon. I am not strong enough to keep putting up with it. I hope you’re all doing ok xx
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I really don’t think that they can change if they don’t accept that it is a problem. I have come home every day for a week suspecting he is drunk. I’m finding whisky bottle seals – not the bottle yet – and he’s red faced, words slurred. I’m reaching a point when I just think why do I do this to myself? Enough has to be enough soon. I am not strong enough to keep putting up with it. I hope you’re all doing ok x
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That’s so true. They are in a relationship with alcohol, and we come second. Alcohol is their priority, we are not. It’s a bitter pill to swallow isn’t it? My OH is really starting to p*ss me off.
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You’re all so right. I’m starting to lose my patience with it. I watch films, tv shows and read books and I’m not kidding myself that real life is anything like that but I am really starting to think I deserve better than someone who lies to me, can’t get through a week without a drink and cannot support and help me out or be trusted with money. I mean, I have to hide alcohol people give me as gifts and I don’t keep cash at all because it will go. Why do we keep putting up with this sort of stuff?
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I agree with you completely. I worry that people would judge me, as if I’m giving up on him but I also want to put myself first, we deserve that, right? I mean, if he can’t admit that he has a problem, he’s not ready and I do not judge him for that at all I can see how that would be an extremely difficult thing for an addict to do. I accept it that he isn’t ready, and I hope with all my heart and soul that one day he can and he’ll move forward from it. I just also don’t want to risk so many years passing in case nothing changes, I never want to end up resenting him. It makes me sick sometimes the indecision and constant back and forth about what to do. Even today, I have had a really difficult day in work, I’ve come straight to bed because I am so overwhelmed, but he’s been out for his ‘walk’ and has been drinking so I have no support from him when I’m not ok, and it makes me feel so alone and hopeless. We deserve to be happy, have a happy relationship and have love and support.
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Yes I know that feeling only too well. I often come home after awful days to him having already been drinking and then trying to hide it. It’s the constant vigilance that makes me feel so exhausted and I guess angry. I don’t want to give up on him either but like you I don’t want to look back and think of these as wasted years that I blame him for. I’ve already been doing this for nearly 3 years and I don’t think I want to make it 4. I’m not getting younger and I’m starting to feel that I’m missing out on things I should be doing like making a home (we have a house but it isn’t a home when I am having to hide my things or look out for hidden bottles) and a family before I’m too old
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Exactly the same. I’m in my 30’s and I’ve been in relationships before where I’ve been in a similar dilemma (not with alcohol) and I’ve spent so many years in previous relationships that I always felt were wasted. You do feel like your missing out and I do too, I want to buy a house but the truth is, at the moment I want to do that on my own. I think my situation at the moment, I feel like I’m waiting until I know he can move on and be ok financially on his own. I have to think about his boys as well, and don’t get me wrong the whole thing is so upsetting and I am constantly crying on my own thinking about it, but I have to try and build up that strength and resolve to move on. He doesn’t think he has a problem, he doesn’t think he needs any help, and I don’t feel like I have a partner who loves and cares about me and who can be there for me. I’ve been in bed all day today, my body and brain has had a bit of a shut down because of everything I’m coping with and I’ve just spent all day sleeping and resting. He’s gone out walking for about 6 hours in total and come home drunk. Hasn’t washed a dish, hasn’t tried to support me at all, just left me to it and gone and done his own thing. Hasn’t even tried. I feel like our situations sound so similar, and even that and chatting here is helping me to keep addressing it and thinking about what to do. I appreciate the support and I hope you are ok x
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I can relate to where you’re at right now so much! My partner also doesn’t have a secure job at the moment and I do, but also what you said about time. I’ve done exactly the same since about October. Let’s just get Christmas out of the way…oh I’ll just wait until his birthday has passed (in January)…let’s wait now until after his sons birthday (February)…when will lockdown end, maybe then he can get a secure job and it will be easier. But then, he’s had 3 days this week he’s been sober, we’ve had lovely evenings together, great conversations, and it’s like in my mind those 3 days sober are an excuse for me to go easy on him because I want more than anything for him to stay sober, for him to WANT to stay sober and for everything to be ok because I love him so much. But then today, out walking for hours, came back drunk. Knew I was annoyed so came in and went straight up to bed. Sat apart all evening and haven’t spoken. So it’s moments like NOW I want to tell him it’s over, but then all I can think is, like you, what his reaction will be and is it really the right moment to do it when he’s been drinking?
One of the hardest things I think it’s accepting that whatever their reaction is, that is not our responsibility. The choices they make are not our choices, we cannot control that even if we think turning a blind eye or putting it off feels like the better thing to do to avoid an adverse reaction. I can’t say I’ve been in your position where he’s needed medical treatment and that must be extremely scary. But none of that is your fault, or mine, or anyone’s. That is a choice they make. But as I said, that’s one of the hardest things to deal with and accept and perhaps part of the reason we stay around, because we might feel guilty or blame ourselves for leaving and where they will end up.
Im also really struggling with this lockdown. I feel really low myself, I’m finding work really stressful and can barely motivate myself to go for a walk or leave the house at all for days. I’ve put on so much weight I’ve got aches and pains, I just want to sleep all the time and when I’m not working I just sit mindlessly watching TV. I have my family who I speak to but they don’t know anything that’s going on and I don’t really have any close friends to talk to. So this with my partner is just one more thing in a long line of things I feel like I am barely coping with right now.
I hope we can all keep talking and one day move towards the solution that is right for each of us. Thinking of you all, stay safe xx
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It’s really good to hear everyone’s stories. It’s good to know there are people who understand the struggles we face. So my OH is back to drinking every day.. Most days he drinks but not to a point of being extremely drunk, but there are some days that he will go on a real bender.. I hate those days. I’ve had to call the paramedics to him at least 3 times (this was before rehab). This was because he was too ill to actually stomach any alcohol and subsequently went into withdrawals, which is extremely dangerous. So he had a seizure, and I’ve also experienced him having the DTs – Very dangerous. He is having sessions with an alcohol support worker now, to help him reduce his daily intake, but I’m yet to see that happen. There is always an excuse… I just wonder why he bothered getting in touch with alcohol services if he’s not going to work with them.
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Hi MJMB,
It really sucks doesn’t it! I’m currently sat in bed watching TV, been at work today. He has been drinking all day and is now sleeping. Story of my life!! Where is the quality time together?
This morning, whilst I was getting ready for work, he told me that he knew he needed to stop drinking, and was feeling very positive about it…. Well that lasted long! He’s obviously had an absolute skin full today. It’s boring. It’s lonely. I just look at him and feel angry, disappointed and alone. I must be mad… because I’m still here. I love this man more than words can express, and when he was sober, things had never been better. I suppose I’m holding on to that, and hoping the sober times return. It’s so hard to try and empathise though.
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Hi MJMB,
It really sucks doesn’t it! I’m currently sat in bed watching TV, been at work today. He has been drinking all day and is now sleeping. Story of my life!! Where is the quality time together?
This morning, whilst I was getting ready for work, he told me that he knew he needed to stop drinking, and was feeling very positive about it…. Well that lasted long! He’s obviously had an absolute skin full today. It’s boring. It’s lonely. I just look at him and feel angry, disappointed and alone. I must be mad… because I’m still here. I love this man more than words can express, and when he was sober, things had never been better. I suppose I’m holding on to that, and hoping the sober times return. It’s so hard to try and empathise though.
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