[cnalm1987]

I’m new to this group so bare with me. My husband and I have been together for 15 years, we have a 3 year old daughter.

After years of suspicion that he was still doing cocaine (I knew he did it when we first got together but he swore he had quit) and him denying it to the point where I felt terrible for continuing to accuse him (though I was right).. I found traces of cocaine in our bedroom just after Christmas and it all came to a head. He had also been heavily drinking for months too and had been hiding vodka/wine bottles in his car/around the house.

We almost separated but decided to try and stay together to salvage whatever is left of our relationship, although in truth I feel like the trust is completely gone. He started going to NA meetings shortly after Christmas. Although recently due to illness (which did land him in and out of hospital), he has been a bit neglectful on these for the last 2 weeks. This had me worried..

I admit the next part was completely wrong of me but I found a notebook with his NA readings/books which he had started to write down things that he had done that he felt guilty for (apparently this is part of the steps?).. and I read a bit of it. Obviously, I didn’t like what I read and now I am furious. Rightly so, because he had admitted to giving our daughter YouTube to watch on his phone so he could do cocaine in the bathroom whilst he looked after her.. and leaving her asleep (presumably alone in the house?) so he could buy drugs.

I can’t confront him with this because I shouldn’t have been reading his notebook and I realise that.. but I had asked him whether he had ever taken drugs whilst with our daughter and he denied it. The fact that he may have left our daughter alone too makes my blood boil.

He has been clean for 10 weeks and given where we were at Christmas I know this is a huge achievment for him and I know he is trying so hard to be a better man for his daughter. I just get these moments of pure anger at all the lies he told and the danger he has put our child in.

Do I stay? Does it get easier? I dont want to make any rash decisions for us and especially for our child.. but equally so much has happened that makes me feel like I would mad to stay.

Can anyone offer any words of comfort or advice that has been in a similar situation? I want things to work and I want us to be a happy family.. but I just feel we are so far from that right now. I honestly don’t know what to do or think or say.. and I feel so unbelievably alone.

[unsure2021]

I understand why you are raging anyone would be but take the silver lining in it that he is taking the steps to recover he is taking ownership of the things he has done, you need to put what you read away until he decides to open up and admit it ,he may need to write down all his actions before he starts to make amends for them , well done to him for 10 weeks and well done to you for being strong and supporting him x

[notmyrealname]

I couldn’t help but feel it might be a bit soon to have a go about it as if it’s the beginning of the process he might not have plucked up the courage to tell you the truth he’s just coming to terms with what he’s been doing himself, i would give it more time, but then I noticed it’s been a few weeks since you posted and hopefully he has owned up to some things after time has passed, the only thing I doubt us knowing the truths will give us much comfort. i think it must be more comforting the fact that he started the process and started identifying his wrongs. I think you would have to have an open mind going ahead if your trying to make a go of it.

[jamesb]

Hiya mate this is a very interesting topic really.

I took have a book of all the things I did through my addiction that I am ashamed of. And yeah as.you asked it is one of the steps. At some point when following the programme, you are asked to write a list of everyone you have wronged and where reasonably possible, try to make amends.

For most, this is the hardest step and I’m sure you can understand why.

I’m always conscious when posting that it doesn’t seem like I’m making excuses for addicts but I assure you, those things your partner has written down. He already feels so much shame and guilt for without adding to it someone calling him out for them.

I’m not saying that he shouldn’t be held accountable, but during addiction there is genuinely a chemical reaction that alters the way your brain functions and makes decisions. I look back at some of the things I did and I would never in a million years consider doing them sober but the truth is, it happend.

I understand you will be full of anger and rage towards him for the lies and the hurt but no one ever sets out to cause their loved ones pain. Your partner wouldn’t of woke up one day and decided to become and addict, decided he was going to go down a path of lying to you, causing pain. But he fell victim to a disease that unfortunately destroys everything you care about.

I guess my input on this would be, try to emotionally detach yourself temporarily from the past few years and focus on supporting his recovery. He may come to you with these things himself and when he does, please try to listen to what he has to say, equally you do have every right to be mad about things but the man you’re talking to now clean and sober won’t be the same man who did those things.

I’m so sorry you have been affected by this plague and I applaud your approach to come here and ask for advise instead of tearing into him. You are clearly a strong woman and I hope that with your support, you get your husband back.

Sending love

James x

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