[plainjane]

I have kept my husband’s so called recreational cocaine use secret from friends and family. I am worried about him and that it is developing into an addiction, he is in complete denial and “just letting his hair down” monthly(ish), that is what he calls it.

I feel very isolated keeping this secret. But also I feel that it would be good for someone else that loves him and care about him, who would wants whats best for him to know. The only people who knows he does drugs is his coke mates and me…. Have any of you talked with friends and family against your spouses wishes?

Would you please share your stories with me?

[ele1215]

I have told my mum about my husband in good faith as I needed someone to turn to. But now I feel it’s driven a wedge between us all. Now I don’t feel I have anyone to turn to. Really struggling at the moment to hold it all together it’s another bender weekend this weekend and I just wish I had someone I can go to to feel safe and loved.

[plainjane]

How did your mother react? How did it effect your relationship with her?

[plainjane]

Also just want to say I am really sorry to hear that happen to you, that must have been awful.

[stephaniiie]

Hi

I can feel your hurt in your message

I was in a similar situation. I found my husband was using heroin. We have three children

In May while recovering myself from menegitis I found methadone, a lot of empty bottles. I confronted him and at the time he asked for help. Told me he was mixing it with diazepam to give the same high as heroin.

I asked him did he do herion, he denied and I asked was there any drug debts owed m. He denied.

I choose to help him as he had asked and I am married to him

It was hard, but in face I was enabling him. He became too complacent that he had a roof over his head and access to food ect

I taught he was stable and clean until mid July when a large amount of income went missing. While looking for the money I came across all the drug paraphernalia.

I was furious and confronted him once again

He redirected all the blame onto me, said that was from months ago and he agreeded to a drug test to prove his innocence

Addicts are very cunning and manipulative.

At the time of the drug test he failed to give urine and the following day all our income was spent on drug debts again

He seeked help from the doctors but it was “all for me” not generally for himself

I soon realised I can’t fix him, only he has choose to change his life and fix himself.

He use to smoke at night while we were all asleep but the last week he brazenly smoke trough out the day.

It was so distressing looking at him, obviously completely out of it and telling me he only took dizapam.

So I made a hard decision to completely detach myself and safe guard my children

I told him to leave.

He never taught I would follow trough on my word but I did

I have gave him so many chances and he completely disrespected me

It’s wasn’t an easy decision, I didn’t want my marraige to fail, I was in denial for quiet along time but he now has to fight for his family back as I won’t let the children see him until he’s stable and clean.

He is staying in with his father and hasn’t left the room in 6 days. The last time he used was Friday 14th

My decision was the best choice I have made. He know realise he has lost everything over his addiction and it’s up to him now solely to address his problem and they underlying issues that lead him that way

I told him I’m continuing my life without him and if he wants to reunite as a family he must stand up and be a good husband and father and take responsibility for his role in life and stop with all the self pity and blaming everyone else for his own faults

I am enjoying my time with my children, I took two weeks off work until school starts

I feel I can breath, I no longer feel suffocated.

I’m taking this time to heal and rebuild my relationship with the children.

Think of your own wellbeing, addiction destroys everything in its path and getting out of the way is the strongest form of detachment support you can show.

Be strong x

[stephaniiie]

Also I had told all this family and mine against his wishes and found it helped me. He was furious, but the more people that know the easier it is to help the person

[plainjane]

Thank you that is very helpful, how did his family react? My husband is two very different people. And his family only knows the version that he portrays to them, which is not the person I am living with. I worry they will handle it badly as they are very naive and he will probably try to convince them that I am lying, and I can see that thry would rather want to believe that than facing the facts.

I think you must have been very brave asking him to leave. Did he just pick up his stuff then and leave? I am slightly scared of my hubby’s reaction if I ask him to leave. I think he would try to undermine me in some way, he does that when he doesn’t get his way.

[stephaniiie]

His family we’re devasted to be honest and so were mine but it was a huge weight off my shoulders.

He had an appointment with the doctor on the Friday 14th and told me from there they doctor told him to continue using until treatment commenced.

I was in work when I received the call. I broke down and told him to leave

He rang me over 40 times I wouldn’t answer

I finished work and went to collect my three children

I couldn’t stop crying and refused to answer his calls

In the end I text to tell him for the love and respect of our children to be gone before I arrived home.

I didn’t want to make a big sense and call to guards

I didn’t want the children to witness it

So he left. The children think he’s unwell and gone to the “doctors house”

He’s in his dads, who took him in out of guilt (possible overdose, suicidal)

He was actually shocked I kept to my word, I have given him too many chances in the past for other issues

I knew my marraige was over when I found the tinfoil used to smoke the heroin, I was just in denial and didn’t want to face my marraige had failed and he had choose that way of life.

I was afraid to tell everyone but felt people already knew and I was associated with it.

I kept his secret while trying to help him

Addicts can be very cunning and manipulative

He’s gone a week, I let him ring the children every evening at 6pm

We have communicated via text but he has not heard my voice

It’s hard, I have my weak moments where I just want him beside me, it’s like a bad dream at times but I’m generally too busy with the children and cleaning up the mess he made, his addiction neatly cost us our house and we’re in massive arrears,

Trying to organize everything for school as well

It’s a hard decision but I’m happy I made it.

I wish you luck on whatever you decide x

[stephaniiie]

Just read the part where your husband will try undermine you. Mine is the same, that’s why when I told him to leave it was over the phone. I knew if he was standing in front of me u would be powerless, he’s a big man and I’m petit so at times I can be scared of him.

I brought the direction of our children’s welfare into it and told him they didn’t deserve their childhood to be robbed over his weak selfish ways.

His family were also ringing him that day and he had it from every angle

The majority of his stuff is still in the house, he probably thinks he’s going to swing back in after his treatment starts.

He’s starting suboxone on Tuesday, then he is to go into residential care.

I think people adjust to change over time so do t be afraid of telling others

[plainjane]

How long had his family known about his drug use when you kicked him out?

[stephaniiie]

On the Tuesday and by Friday I kicked him out

[plainjane]

Wow, having told them, did it make it easier to go through with asking him to leave? How did he react to you telling his family?

[stephaniiie]

The day I told him to leave is the same day he realised his family knew so it was a major shock for him. Of course after going to the doctors for “help” he still went off and smoked heroin in town before coming home and waiting for me to come in and forget about it all

After his little fix and plenty of family members and I going mad on the phone to him he packed a “weekend bag” obviously high off the drug and left.

All his stuff is still here. He must think he’s gone for a week or too.

That shit completely changes a person and alters their complete mindset, to be honest it actually makes them so stupid.

Well it makes one numb of all functions and feelings.

Withdrawals take two weeks and I want him to feel the pain of it as he has tortured his children and I for months

I sound very harsh and inconsiderate now but there will be a time when you just have enough

A time will come when you choose your own self worth and the protection of your children over love

[plainjane]

You were very strong for doing that! I wish you the best of luck!

Does he have any wish to see his children?

[stephaniiie]

Yes he wants me back and to see his children. He texts me every day telling me how much he misses us and he’s fighting to get better.

He’s to start suboxone tomorrow. You have to do a drug test before hand and if it’s dirty you will be rejected the treatment

It’s a very expensive drug and has very strict criteria so if the person is till messing around the doctor won’t waste their time to help the person.

If you use while on suboxone apparently you will be hospitalised,

The tablet will be Daily in the local chemist under the supervision of the pharmacist

At the right dose the tablet shouldn’t make you doze off or unable to function.

People who take this medicine can continue to live normal functional lives and work

So tomorrow il know if he has been clean since he left. Action speaks louder than words.

He rings the children every evening at 6pm but I won’t talk on the phone to him and I told him when he’s stable and has a clean drug test he can see the children

[Author]

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