[anon1987]

Hi everyone,

I’ve read this forum for a couple of years & have always found it useful and comforting, but have never managed to find the courage to post until today.

My husband is a recovering cocaine addict. I knew we had problems with money but it was not until we were married and I was pregnant that big chunks of money started to go missing and I found out he was an addict. It was a big shock as I didn’t even know he used at all & I’ve never tried drugs myself so it wasn’t even on my radar.

He accessed support from CA, has had the odd lapse but overall is doing really well.

In the middle of the addiction it was obviously a really difficult time and I now struggle to even think about the endless nights waiting for him to come home when he had taken money and all the excuses he would give but oddly I’m finding it even harder now he’s in recovery.

I’m in control of all the money but I am paranoid about it and check the balance several times a day. I feel on edge whenever I think about where he is or what he’s doing. I feel down sometimes and just can feel really resentful towards him for putting us into debt and not being open with me before we married and I got pregnant & I can’t seem to move past it. He thinks I am depressed and need to go and see a doctor but I just feel like this is the emotional aftermath and I don’t know where to go from here. Probably worth mentioning that noone except his parents and best friend know any of this so I don’t have anyone to talk to. Has anyone felt like this or been through it? I just feel like a completely different person to before this all happened.

[posie]

I’m so sorry you feel this way but I understand and I feel the same. My husband is also a cocaine addict. He’s meant to be trying to recover and stayed home for the past 2months but the last couple of days he’s found strange excuses to see his best friend (this is who he started using with). When he left last night he took the car but took his van keys, when he came home I picked up his van keys and asked to look in his van and he completely freaked out. It caused a huge argument which ended up in me feeling crazy and paranoid. You possibly are a little depressed, it’s so much to take on your plate and really messes with your head. Unfortunately addiction is very selfish, addicts don’t see what they’re putting those they love through. Feel free to talk here any time, I feel it really helps and nobody judges you. It’s a lonely feeling but know that you are not alone and there are others who are going through the same things you are and we’re here to help and support each other

[anon1987]

Really appreciate you taking the time to reply & I’m really sorry you’re going through this too.

It’s the manipulation and lies that’s so difficult isn’t it? So many excuses that almost sound plausible and turning it around to make you feel you’re the paranoid one in the wrong. I definitely don’t think I’ve got over that!

You’re right, we do have a lot on our plate. I know all the leaflets say to focus on yourself but it’s hard when you have to be on top of the money! We are in debt and if he starts using again we wouldn’t have enough to pay the mortgage etc so I have to focus on him and what he’s doing to make sure we have a home. I feel like I probably do need some help to sort my head out but it’s more about coming to terms with it all. Glad I found this forum.

[posie]

The money side of things is really tough but it’s a good step that you have control of the finances. I basically try to pay everything myself. I don’t know what my husband earns and it seems to vanish as soon as it goes in. The ‘focus on yourself’ is really hard but I guess taking one day at a time probably helps and keep reminding yourself that you’ll get through this. Don’t drain yourself completely supporting him, it’s not your burden to carry

[saha7]

I’m reading this and I can relate to it all. It’s so tough on partners.

Mine seems to be keeping off of cocaine at the moment but I’m still checking everything as he’s lied to me before about stopping. It’ll take a long time to get that trust back and get over the lies and deceit.

It’s not a healthy way to live and that’s why it causes anxiety and depression. But I know self care is important but it’s so hard to make that time with everything going on.

Sorry that you’re having these rough experiences too but thanks for sharing as it helps

[anon1987]

Saha7 thanks for your reply. Yes it’s the constant checking and second guessing that’s so exhausting isn’t it. I don’t know if you feel the same but my husband just lies about daft things all the time that don’t even matter, like lying is just second nature now. So difficult to trust them again. Sending love!

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thank you for being brave and posting and finding this forum. I hope it’s really helping you as I’m sorry that you have no one around you to talk with. If you would like more help please contact us at Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that offers support to the families who are having to deal with addiction problems. We have experienced and trained people you could talk with if you get in touch. Hopefully that will help you to find a way ahead.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[anon1987]

I’ve tried emailing twice over the last month but haven’t heard back. Is it normal to wait this long for a response? Thanks in advance.

[anon1987]

It’s not been a good day, husband has relapsed recently and I’m just feeling really lonely tonight. Somehow writing it down helps. Sending love to anyone feeling the same.

[becky90]

Hi anon1987 I was just reading your post and I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? I am in a similar situation, my partner has in the last year admitted he is dependant too. I totally understand how you feel, I have horrible anxiety and recently panic attacks too. His family know but they are stick their hand in the sand types and so I have no-one to talk to as I am too ashamed to tell my family.

I am here if you need to chat.

[redfox20]

Hi Becky I’m in a similar situation to you. And in the past year my anxiety has got so worse as im finding it so hard to accept this is my reality now. Please reach out to someone I told all my family I needed the support and you shouldn’t do it alone a problem shared is a problem halved. If you need to chat i check in here quite regularly take care x

[becky90]

Thankyou so much, I had a pretty awful day yesterday, I think it all got too much but today was a good day. I feel much more positive today. Unfortunately my family are so anti drugs that they just wouldn’t be able to understand me sticking by him. They are totally amazing but they aren’t even social drinkers so they just would not understand.

How are you getting on?

[redfox20]

Hi I totally get that it’s so hard for other people to understand why we stick by them for me I did it for the kids & so he had something to strive toward by coming back home to be with us if he stayed clean. I’m sorry you didn’t have a good day some days it just hits you & it’s very overwhelming the situation isn’t it. I’m okay things haven’t been good had my baby 3 weeks ago he’s been brilliant since her birth really supportive but he’s ignored me since Sunday said he was coming up yesterday on Sunday before he ignored me then no show yesterday and ignoring my messages left me on unread have checked he’s van and unfortunately there was a beer in there so if he’s drunk he’s certainly used cocaine feel so let down but at the same time I now know why he’s ignored me he’s ashamed most likely as he was doing so well nearly a month clean. I think I’m going to cut all contact with him and me & the kids and concentrate on us until he gets he’s actually together as mentally can’t take any more an need to be strong for my kids as im now a single parent. Can always chat on here if you like it certainly helps knowing you’re not alone xx

[anon1987]

Sorry for my late reply. Thank you for reaching out! Things seem to have stabilised a bit for now my end but it’s always up and down.

I’m really sorry you’re in a similar situation with no-one to talk to. It really does affect your mental health doesn’t it. I can definitely relate about the anxiety and feeling intense panic. How are you doing?

[becky90]

Thankyou so much, I had a pretty awful day yesterday, I think it all got too much but today was a good day. I feel much more positive today. Unfortunately my family are so anti drugs that they just wouldn’t be able to understand me sticking by him. They are totally amazing but they aren’t even social drinkers so they just would not understand.

How are you getting on? X

[icarus-trust]

Hi

Sorry you haven’t heard from us. Could you check the email that you’ve sent us please as we have had a couple bounce back.

Thank you.

[anon1987]

Icarus Trust, I emailed again and also tried to contact through the website but still no response. Not sure what I’m doing wrong 🙁

[dot]

See I was sort of in the same situation but I was the user.

I’m 11 month clean and I’m going through divorce.

From her point of view her words “I will always resent you and see you as this person who used to lie and steal and take money.

It’s hard to move past once you start seeing someone like this. I understand why she can’t change her opinion and being the user back then it’s hard to take now as I’m back to that person she used to love before drugs. This also plays a part because I’ve got a new gf and moved on and she doesn’t get to have me now.

I’d suggest councilling but at the same time if he’s not been abstained that long don’t take your eye off the ball because he may do it again when he feels your guard is down. Just the mind of an addict

Sorry for being brutal and I hope you find a solution

[anon1987]

Thank you, appreciate you sharing your experience & I’m so pleased for you for getting clean. It must be really hard to still be resented after you have started to go back to being the person you were before. It is so difficult to return to any kind of ‘normal’ because as the partner of an addict you are analysing constantly.

Definitely not taking my eye off the ball but just finding it exhausting. I want to just focus on me and my son but it’s not possible as our finances (or lack of them) are tied together.

[dot]

Sometimes it is yes. I’m still tarred with that brush of being a drug user and having abusive treats. Which they was mentally I guess…

The hardest bit was forgiving and letting go. Also forgiving myself especially while she hasn’t so it took a bit longer but then you accept some things can’t be changed. That’s as the hard bit and for her to hate me like she feels she has too she has to still tar me with that brush… She admitted that at court. In the end i got what I wanted and things are working for the kids now which is good but we barely speak.

I had to get a child arrangement order and court went well especially when I could prove I was clean.

I’m actually starting a social worker course in September and maybe I’ll be help people like myself and give something back.

[noideaforascreenname]

It’s tough being in the in between stage, in there too. They say they’ve quit or quitting or working on it….but it’s so hard to drop your guard. I think they all think they can do it “once in awhile” even if they can’t. Someone posted watch louise Clark’s videos, I did and they were really helpful try and show me the mentality of an addict.

[esta]

So glad you are feeling better

It hasn’t been easy some days I couldn’t get out of bed

I now realise out whole relationship was built on lies and I thought we were soul mates

I get up now and cherish the freedom and simplicity of life; on an emotional and financial level.

Sometimes in the early days we would have to use the food bank because we were so broke (clearing his debt) and secretly he would be spending ‘secret cash’ on crack. I don’t know how he could look me in the eye.

You read about everyone’s relationships and hope yours will be the different one; the one who’s addict chooses you over crack but from what I am discovering that’s a real long shot

[anon1987]

I’m so pleased you have been able to move on and I really hope things continue to get better for you. A new start sounds amazing. I just don’t think it can happen for me. I will forever be linked to my husband by our little boy. At the moment with us living together I can look after all of our finances (the tiny bit we have…) and make sure I am the main caregiver for our son. If I left I would have no control over that and I can just see it being a messy court battle. My husband has been using again since losing his job a few weeks back so feels like we’re back to square one.

I feel like I need some help but I just don’t know what’s there when you have literally no money. I’ve emailed Icarus Trust 4 times and no response. How has everything else got through this? Mentally and financially. I look and feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the last 2.

[moonlight]

Hi, I think you have to make him realise that and remind him of what miserable life he had and difficulty before , it is hard but if you ignore it and left it then he gets deeper and deeper , he has to find him self and his weakness inside to be able to not relapse again he has to attend

support groups and have person who been through this before . You need support to be able to help your self and your husband. And takecare of your boy.

If need any help or want to talk to someone i am hear ,pray for him and make him to be nearer to god and i pray god will help him to find job soon .

[anon1987]

Thanks for your prayers, I really appreciate that. He has started some online CA groups and had a job interview today so fingers crossed. Hope all is well with you x

[moonlight]

Hi , i am in same boat, my partner been addicted to opium last 2 years , all lies and money issue , trust it is difficult, after these years i talked with his family and with help of them and praying god he came to point to see his life is getting apart so 4 days ago he is gone for recovery and finish this nightmare, to be honest i am angry of him but at same time proud that he found out himself and tried to saved himself.

I am very lonely as i do not want my family to know about it as well.

[anon1987]

Really hope his recovery goes well. I really do understand the loneliness and isolation. Take care.

[Author]

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