[window]

First time posting and sorry if its long.

My marriage ended 3 months ago due to my husbands repeated drug and drinking, i just couldn’t take it anymore.

Hes always had problems past 5 years have been bad but the last 18months have escalated really bad. Taking cocaine and drinking. He would use after work on most days.

To the point if he doesnt have money for them he will, get intouch with doc and lie about pain or use household products (aerosols). I have tried and tried to help but it only enables him and i have to protect me and my child.

He said he would get his own place and get help – but he continued to verbally abuse me and demand things when he would come and see our child.

it rapidly changed to he now had someone else ( 4 days after i put my foot down) and 2 weeks after he left my phone.

Totally erratic of him, and never dreamed hed be so cruel.

over the past 2 months he has threatened me and continually messaged / emailed about the same things as well as sending awful abusive messages blaming me and how hes never been better and about seeing our child on his own which he isnt allowed to because of his abusive behaviours and drug issues.

What baffles me the most is , he gets in touch few times a week , either to be awful, manipulative or have my child.

He has never once asked about my child , how school is or asked if he needs anything , or paid for him. He said hes off weeeknds but never askes to speak to my son , drops off the planet all weekend but come mon /tues or wed thats when he starts – obviously on the come down.

Ive been told by authorities his behaviour is stalking behaviour . I did not reply to him for a month and the messages still kept coming , he is with someone else but i dont know alot about it.

I can only assume she is in to the drink and drugs to.

i taken legal action for a divorce and he just will not engage like an adult – yet claims hes so happy now .

Its just a constant mind game and abuse . I have no idea why he still wants to contact me knowing he isnt going to get a different answer, and legal proccedings have started, and if hes with someone else ,Im drained.

He has contacted family members to see if im upset , and slagged me off to his new person infront of them on the phone. The whole things is insidious beyond belief i just dont know who he is any more.

The whole new relationship was obviously forced to get a reaction out of me but im just so disappointed and hurt i will not engage in such behaviour.

He lies constantly , and still tries to manipulate me . Its been going on for months now.

Ive read and been told off professionals that drugs make them not of there own mind and they dont feel as non users , and hes numbing things out.

Im not after a reconciliation , as hes done to much but im so fed up now of the constant mind games and contacting me .

I really hoped hed get help , but i really cant understand why someone would choose that over their wife and child.

I always live in fear i will get a call saying somethings happened or hes dead as he always drug / drink drives, and can get involved in violent behaviour.

I dont know what advice im looking for maybe just a vent – or reassurance im not going mad. Ive noticed lots of signs of cocaine , runny nose, dilated pupils, muscle pains, stocking up on ibroprofen and cold and flu tablets, paranoia ( im cheating ), loss of appetite , more mellow , then comes the moodswings and aggression , lies , manipulation. He never has any money although works 7 days a week at the time , lost brand new cars , jobs , holiday homes , and even been to prison for a drunken attack, he has physically assaulted me also under the influence.

In past hes always been able to stop for a time and want better but this time it seems it has far far to much of a hold on him that hes took that road out , but still wants an element of control over me.

Its soul destroying seeing someone you love turn this way.

[esta]

It’s horrific how far reaching the ripple affects of their decisions in addiction spreads through families

It wrecks everything and everybody involved

In time once the legal stuff is done you will get the PEACE and happiness you deserve

The more time passes the more distance you will get from him

It’s so good you have made those boundaries and are sticking to them

I know how hard that is and you should be proud of yourself

It is heartbreaking to lose someone you love to addiction but you have done the right thing for you and your child

I am sure it’s not what you signed up for and not the path you want your child to think is normal and end up on

I applaud your strength as hard as it is you have done the right thing

Try to look forward now to the future

All storms Pass X

[window]

thank you for your reply and taking the time to read, its the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

Shocking the way he has treat me and my son.

[esta]

you have stepped away; keep walking away from it all

life with an addict is; absolute chaotic negative misery.

You will begin to remember who ‘you’ are, and the weight will lift.

You don’t have to feel guilty because it is not your fault.

You won’t get the answers you need from it all

he has made his choice

Life is so short and precious

Don’t let it ruin one more day of your life!

Be happy and laugh everyday, that’s the best addiction ~ an addiction to life

[leaving78]

I replied to another thread but they only care about there drug of choice. Cocaine is an awful drug.

Things will get better. I allowed my ex husband to abuse me for 16 months before I went no contact. He started to back away as he found someone else. But no contact will keep you sane for a while.

Communication for your child should be civil if you can just ignore the bits where he is reducing your self confidence.. you are worth more and deserve more.

Things will get better … time heals and you will feel

Peace

[jamie00785]

Hello Window

Cocaine makes us push away the people closest to us. Your situation sounds terrible for both you and your son.

I am going using now and I am at rock bottom. My situation is a little bit different to yours but it all comes down to the same reason.

Drugs and addiction.

I have put my own story on here to hopefully get me and my family on the right road to recovery.

I wish you and your child all the best and if you ever want any advice on addiction or the effects the drugs have on your husband then please leave a comment on my thread.

Jxx

[window]

Thank you so much Jamie i will take alook at your thread

[cali111]

Does it make you push your wife away to the point that they literally leave you and don’t want the relationship anymore? I’m sorry but I’m my situation this came out of no where. He just stopped coming home one weekend and was so angry all of a sudden then I found text messages which were telling of him doing cocaine. He knows it’s not acceptable for our life and now poof he has left out the house for 2.5 months with no plans to return. Absolute madness. But he denies any use of cocaine since I found out. Incredibly hard to deny though based on all of his behaviors. Ugh.

[ash2013]

My husband would never have left me, because he wouldn’t have wanted ever to be the person to do that. Its far easier for them to push and push and push you until you make the choice for them, then they can blame you for that too.

If I was you, i’d let him go and be someone elses problem. That may sound harsh, but if/when he sorts himself out you can make a decision. If he does not then you haven’t had to live through this anymore.

Him moving out is not your fault, all of this is his own doing, and there isnt anything you can say or do to make him sort himself out.

Move on and make new happiness x

[cali111]

My husband just admitted he is now with the woman I found messages with the same night I found out about the coke. He has completely moved on while I’ve been sat in our apartment a wreck for 3 months. He also admitted the coke “got out of hand for a bit but I’m sober now” hard to believe cause he can’t even remember what he has and hasn’t said to me. I’m just so heartbroken. I also told him he’s a complete different person now and listed reasons why and he actually agreed. Do you think this drug just completely changed him? It’s so crazy that a substance could do that. My amazing happy fun loving husband is gone and this cold arrogant jerk has replaced him. You’re one of the only people who has responded to me and I appreciate all your advice. I hope you are well. Xo

[lilgunner]

Hi Cali,

A friend of mine has been using cocaine for about 6 years now.

I know the circumstances are very different, but I don’t think you can really say he’s moved on and found someone else and is in a loved up relationship. My friend on cocaine goes through women quite a bit, appears he can’t hold down a healthy relationship as the drug always wins in the end unless they really want to stop.

I was researching online, and it’s clear that when someone is in recovery they should avoid any new relationships as this can trigger them into using. It’s all about clearing the mind and body and allowing yourself time to recover. They say relationships should be avoided in the first year. Do you think he has told you he’s with someone to try and get a reaction from you? Possibly that’s what he’s doing.

Last year my friend was telling me how he wanted to start something with me, then he went through a moment saying how he didn’t think we were a good idea, that bit is clear, I don’t want to be with anyone battling addiction in that sense as it’s not helpful to them and neither good for my mental health, nevertheless I still worry for him. My friend actually thinks when he’s on drugs by telling me about anyone he’s in a sexual relationship with that he’s making me jealous, and a part of me does get upset but then I think outside the box and remember that he’s actively using and drugs is the only important thing to him in the end. When my friend is sober he’s just a completely different character but he needs to really work on his recovery which I pray he does and seriously stops sooner rather than later.

[leaving78]

Hi Cali111, I’m afraid that horrible powder takes the husband that you once knew away. He will always be a victim when he’s using. He will always blame you or others for his addiction. He has to take responsibility in order to recover and give up the coke.

I’m sorry he’s left you and you are going through this. From my experience it’s the drugs that’s made him likely leave and this woman could be his money supply. Either way this is an opportunity for you to see your self worth and an opportunity to rebuild your life without drugs ruining your life.

I have lived this life. And I still suffer PTSD. I left a 17 year relationship. We’ve divorced in a 2 year period and my life is much better. I wil always love my ex husband – but I choose a life without cociane. He seems happy now he’s moved on too!

Be easy on yourself, cry, grieve just be strong as he will likely try to return but you need to be strong. Please also be careful as they can be unpredictable too.

Happy to chat if you need too xx

[cali111]

It’s so hard to know what to think when he tells me “he doesn’t know the last time he even did it” but he’s now come out and admitted it was a problem for at least all of April/may. And in those months when I asked him about it he hadn’t used it since the beginning of April… so your now admitting (whether he believes it or not) that you lied then about it. How am I supposed to believe you now? He just kept saying “it was never going to work, there was no fixing our marriage”. It seems to me that he only started feeling that way when the coke came… we didn’t even fight or anything… he said he didn’t think we were “sexually compatible”… I said were you planning on leaving me whilst not having an income this entire year and draining our account? He was appalled i would even ask that as no he wasn’t… so you just decided to leave me whilst on your admitted coke binge? I’m so sad he is this way now. And he justifies moving on as “he deserves to be happy” like our marriage was complete torture or something. I was happy every moment of our marriage until the coke came along. Please someone tell me I’m not crazy and this is the stupid drug as he won’t ever admit it and just blames our marriage which was everything to me :’(

[leaving78]

You are not crazy. And he is playing mind games as he’s on that horrible powder.

They do this and I can assure you he’s been on the gear a lot longer then April. They are habitual liars. They don’t tell the truth. They just want drugs and will do anything to finance it. Even blaming us.

I know how your feeling. Just take one day at a time. Keep reading forums. Understand your going through a grieving process. You have to leave him to fight his own battles and protect your mental health as I’m sure that has suffered.

Remember you did not make him do drugs. That was a choice and he has to beat the demons and understand why he does that. But you can’t do that for him.

Looking back (hindsight) I should have just left him to get on wirh it. But all I did was try to protect him from doing drugs until it cost me my own mental well-being.

He will not let you go… he will be back… but hopefully you will be stronger to deal with it 🙂

[cali111]

Thank you so much.. I really appreciate all of your advice. So hard having your entire reality and future plans ripped away so fast… I guess it’s good to have some more answers now (him admitting about the “previous” drug issue/admitting about the girl.. and that’s what she is she’s 7 years younger than me.) but doesn’t make it any easier. He’s just turned 25 and I am 30. He doesn’t even know what cocaine does to the brain. I’ve done so much research and read so much on here… I just wonder if he will ever see the situation clearly… I’m so hurt.

[paul0572]

Been in exactly the same situation. My loving partner of 10 years , we did everything together . Were about to get married have our own family , just bought our dream house togther …

Then she started doing coke and got addicted to it …

She’s turned into someone I hate , doesn’t care about my feelings , hurts me mentally and physically ..totaly disrespects Me, I can’t believe the monster she has turned into …

It’s the worse drug on the planet !

[cali111]

He called me yesterday so angry…. I guess one of my friends texted him calling him out on his bullshit and everything he’s put me through. Of course I didn’t want her to do that or have knowledge of it. He took it all out at me and screamed at me he was getting lawyers and that he was coming over to have a serious talk this week and hes been awoken and blamed me for everything. I was having a panic attack and crying like no other… just the day before he broke the news of him already moving on.. and that I should be happy for him… like our marriage was nothing. I felt like I was being beaten with a stick. I’ve never felt abused until that moment. I had to block his number. She called him a drug addict to which he screamed I DONT EVEN DO DRUGS. He just admitted to me he had a problem with it… but later said “he could count on one hand how many times he used” and “he never paid for it once”. He’s gotten off completely free in everything he’s done to me. Even his mom said she can’t believe it took this long for someone to call him out. I feel so anxious and scared. I didn’t do anything wrong or anything to him. I can’t believe this man would treat me or talk to me like this. Even last year if he would of witnessed a man speaking to a woman this way he would have interfered… I am just so blown away and hurt. I was such a good wife. Still hard to wake up every day and face reality after even 4 months of this.

[window]

Im so sorry this is happening ti you same is happening to me and 4 months in

The feeling is like no other

Its like they are possesed

I cut all contact

Its been hard but it would never end

Its heart breaking when all uve ever done is love them

Ill never understand it

[cali111]

How are you doing? Did you just find out about the drugs 4 months ago? My entire world has been flipped and he thinks this is normal… complete different person than the one I married :’( I don’t know how I’m going to get over this… waking up every day is the hardest I need to come to this site to remind myself of everyone’s advice every morning. Even saw my doctor yesterday and she said that he is mentally and emotionally abusing me. He would NEVER see it that way. Who is this demon. My old husband would be ashamed. This new guy likes this version. Makes me want to throw up.

[ash2013]

Its the hardest position to be in, all sorts will be going through your head.

Does he hate me?

Why is he like this?

I just want him to be normal again

I’m scared of my own husband

How should I be, how should I act/react?

One day one of his mates (I am good friends with the wife) told him he was a ‘poor husband and a bad father’ well, that was 5 years ago, and my husband has not spoken to him since. He was both those things, but someone telling him really made him angry.

I will never understand why they cannot see what EVERYONE else can. (everyone except other coke heads!) And because they’re not spaced out or comatose or falling all over the place, I think its even harder for us to grasp why they are so different toward us. I think you need to think of his brain as it having a meltdown, but you cannot see it, its not as visible as other addictions, they can easily pretend.

I dont know what your home situation is, I can’t remember, but get the hell out of this, and don’t look back. xx

[cali111]

Thank you. Not a lot of ppl understand and think this is just the real him finally coming out (4 years later?) which I guess it’s possible he has just changed as he is young. He just turned 25. But everyone on here seems to see the exact same patterns with there partners once this drug is involved. Hard to believe it’s just a coincidence he changed this much since he started taking the drug. Even if he wasn’t happy in our marriage like he says the way he went about ending things is just cruel and doesn’t make a lick of sense to anyone but him like you said. We are both on a lease at our apartment but he has been out for almost 3 months now. By his choice as I set boundaries and he could not commit to following them so left. I just hope one day for his own sake he can return to his old self… was the best person I ever knew. Such a shame to watch him turn into this macho douche bag. Appreciate you.

[heartbroken88]

I could have written your post myself.

It’s almost reassuring to read because it makes me feel less alone and less crazy – the behaviour is almost text book, why do they do it when they make it plainly clear how much they ‘hate’ us and don’t want to be with us ans we are to blame.

I have two young children, also going through a divorce and also in the manipulation/ mind games even though we are separated there always seems to be something he wants to torment me about – makes it like it’s about the kids but like you say never really asks about them. Mine are so young that they actually don’t know him.

Also he wouldn’t engage with solicitor etc for 4 months when I started a divorce ans even now isn’t fully aware of what’s going on. Only thinks of himself ans his own selfish needs. Like you say how can they choose this over a family – wife and children. It’s heartbreaking.

I am sure even though it is hard, one day they will see the damage and what they lost. If not I too fear it could be that knock at the door to say the worst has happened. It’s truly devastating. My life is destroyed and I literally had no idea or inkling that it was drugs.

Take care

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

So sorry to read your post and see how badly affected you are by your husband’s addiction. I’m so glad that you have found this forum but if you would like more help you might like to contact us at Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that provides support for people dealing with the impact of a partner’s addiction because we know that it can be so hard.

if you contact us you would be able to speak with one of our trained and experienced Family Friends. They would listen and maybe help you to find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[Author]

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