[liberty]

My boyfriend is a lifelong crack addict. We’re talking daily use, to varying degrees, only been clean (or had a clear mind as he puts it) maybe a couple years out of 32ish years.

He’d convinced me that his age (he’s near 50 now) means he needs and wants to retire from it as he puts it. I try everything to encourage him to make better choices, sometimes he does, but every day with minimal exceptions, he uses again.

We are now in a unique situation. He told me at the weekend he’s going to give up for 27days, or he’s a “prick”. I don’t dare ask anymore, but judging by his raging moods, he’s done it. Since then we’ve bickered, he’s tried, and succeeded, to make me jealous, he’s told me he’s questioned our relationship, also at one point he said he didn’t consider us a couple that we’re not together anymore. I’ve told him how much I love him, but all he responded with this time was he likes being with me. He also said that he tried to not call me, but had to. I did pull him up on the jealousy thing, but I think to some degree, sometimes he doesn’t listen or acknowledge me because he can’t accept how bad his behaviour is and would rather block it out.

Part of me thinks now he’s gone cold turkey, which I don’t think was a good idea for so many reasons, that he’s now incapable of any positive human emotion. Does anyone believe an addict can experience positive feelings of love and appreciation of their partner if they’re a few days/weeks off the crack?

For the first time in our relationship, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I moved in with my elderly mum before covid, and she only worries if I spend too much time with him, so I visit him at weekends. This week he told me he hates me during the week, he doesn’t feel like he’s in a relationship.

For the most part, he’s stopped reading my texts, stopped talking to me on the phone, stopped asking me how I am.

Partly I think he’s so disgusted by his behaviour, for how much he relies on me, that sometimes talking to me only forces him to be aware of his failings and shortcomings. It’s almost as though he can’t face me, except when he needs food, or is having a cash flow problem.

Does he actually care, or is he just using me?

I’m fortunate enough to be in a lucky financial position. I worry now that even if he doesn’t love me anymore, he’s only doing the bare minimum to keep me happy.

Part of me is starting to loathe my feelings for him, I’m not one to give up, I’ve been tempted to walk away, but in some ways I know that ends I do, I’m strong enough to ensure I never go back.

Insights and opinions welcomed please x

[sb2020]

From what I’m reading on here and from my own experience, I think they do love us but they love their coke/crack (addiction) more. As long as we will put up with it they will stay, if we try to help them/stop them they will go (until they think we are soft enough to put up with it again) the drugs will always be their priority, as much as they love us we will never be first in their lives, the drug will, even if they don’t want to lose us they’d rather lose us than their coke x

[liberty]

Thanks SB2020. Has your partner ever gone cold turkey off his own back for any length of time?

I know I’m a resilient person, which I think works more in his favour than mine. When is enough enough, when am I no longer just giving up on him and deciding to just look out for myself?!

I’m not sure I can take all this up and down much longer, but I don’t want to live with regret of walking away. When he’s good, I’m good and we are great, but it’s getting harder now we’re getting older.

Xxx

[sb2020]

Hi Liberty, sorry for the late reply. My partner has gone cold turkey for a couple of weeks but i think it’s only been to win me over if I’m honest with myself. Enough is enough when YOUR life is suffering and you aren’t giving up on him if he doesn’t want to be saved. I understand what you are saying, I’m going through it myself but its not healthy for us to live like this either. The thing I’m starting to ask myself is why am I so concerned about him and saving our relationship when he clearly isn’t. I’m 44 and so is he, we’re both old enough to know what’s right and wrong. I’m coming to understand that if he truly wanted to change he would. I think you need to ask yourself (as do I), what do you want from YOUR life, YOUR future and figure out if you can have this with him. Talk to him again, tell him how you feel about what he does and what your dreams and aspirations are. You know him better than anyone and you’ll know deep down if you can have the life, the future you want if you stay with him. As for regret, I honestly don’t think you would regret walking way (my opinion). Yea you’ll miss him but you can’t move forward with your life the way it is. We are stuck in limbo and only YOU can change your life, and only HE can change his.

Xxx

[lcstewart77]

I needed to hear this. I kicked my bf of 4 years out this morning because he feel off the wagon after a 16month sobriety. I can’t go through that again. This is the 3rd time BTW. I’m really question ing if I did the right thing.

[liberty]

Lcstewart77, well done for being so brave and kicking him out. It does get to the point sometimes when enough is enough. I hope I’m understanding this right, but if you’ve been together 4 years and this has happened 3 times – I can’t say I blame you.

I hope you stay strong xxx

[liberty]

SB2020, I really feel for you darling, I truly do. Why do you care about him, probably the same reason I care about my partner. Because you and I are good people and we love men who, for various reasons are struggling with a boundless addiction. I honestly think it’s the worst thing in the world. I’m not convinced that your guy doesn’t want to save the relationship. I expect, as my guy does, he just wants you to accept him for what he is. Sometimes as terrible as that is, we know they are crack addicts and so do they.

It’s terribly tragic if I really think about me. My partner is highly intelligent, such a people pleaser, gets on with anyone, has the greatest respect for human life, is deeply loyal, even though it’s bit always clear and he does have a heart of gold. I expect yours does too.

The truth is too horrible for them to agree with. And this is where me and my guy are at now. My guy stopped the cold turkey, he’s back to ‘normal’, as dreadful as that is, but not before he became unbearable and we had an almighty row, during which I told him he clearly didn’t care, that he was just a scummy crack addict at the end of the day. The truth hurt him too much. He knows what he is, I expect your guy does too. We are happiest when I don’t fight it, it’s a viscous circle though, we’re better, he’s better, then he uses more because he’s feeling good. Then things intensify again, he gets slimmer again, gets more irritable.

Thanks also for your suggestion of confronting him. When I do this I’m always met with the same answers, he believes he can give up if he wanted to, but doesn’t, or that of course he wants to give up and it’s just a matter of time, but that he doesn’t feel the magnitude of how hard that actually is, not at that exact moment. And/or that time just never comes.

I’m at the point now where even though I still hope one day that day will come, he’ll break free, his body will heel and his brain will be kind to him. I just think that’s so impossible and how could I even consider that with what’s happening in the world right now.

when my bf tells me he will quit and that he wants to quit I do think he genuinely wants to and he’s both ok and not ok about not being able to do that. I don’t know what the solution is. I wish I had enough money to provide him with the level of specialist care he needs. And not just him, but everyone too venerable and paralysed by this addiction. Sadly I can’t. I do keep trying to though and in the meanwhile, I suffer the bad times to enjoy the good. And when we’re good, we’re brilliant.

Covid has put soo much pressure on everything and everyone that for the time being I can’t think about just myself. I don’t dare argue with him about what he’s told me he wants to be doing (or rather what NOT to be doing) and what he’s actually doing. He’s finding it too hard to be apart from me, it’s a delicate balance. I can’t even go near that subject right now. Now to me, just feels about us and those we care about surviving. I saw the honours list mentioned last week on tv, i respect those who have contributed to society in a clearly deserving way, but I couldn’t help thinking that us and people like us are also unsung heroes in the darkness. And let’s face it, although on the outside we live in the light, so much of what we endure is tucked away hidden in the shadows.

I saw my guy this weekend again, although I’ve had to come back to mums with the new high covid status. It’s amazing what fresh eyes give when I haven’t seen him for a few days. Now he’s back on it and lost weight again he’s started to look like an addict again. He took a trip into town the other day to visit his daughter (from very very young) and he told me that no one wanted to sit next to him on the train. The carriage was standing room only, except for the two seats either side of him. I looked at him yesterday and he is starting to really show the physical downsides of it all.

I totally think what you’ve said makes sense, think about what i want and need for my life. Luckily I do still keep that in my mind and have been trying to build good things for me (us potentially), but at the same time, living surrounded all this covid chaos, we just need to forget what we or anyone wants to a degree. Until we’re in a position to do otherwise, we just have to survive.

If you’re in a position where you can wholeheartedly know you can walk away, that you, yourself will be OK and even better off, then I think you know you should do that. I can’t tell you that’s right or wrong for you, for him or for you both as a couple. I just believe you have to follow your gut, just as mine is, I’m sure it’s very rarely wrong.

Sending much care and respect for you, I really am. Please do keep me posted, I hope to hear that your life isn’t as bad as seems at times. Xxxx

[coco1212]

My ex is a crack addict has been for about 19 months. He’s totally destroyed our family and left me to with the path of destruction he’s left us with. I want to help him on one and I hate him on the other. I have suspicions now that he maybe be on heroin too. Although I’ve found no proof. Because you’ve said you’ve seen them gone cold turkey what is it like ? Because this is the bit that’s making me think it’s heroin withdrawal and not crack

[liberty]

CoCo1212, so sorry to hear what his addiction has done to your family. I’m guessing you have kids together. My heart goes out to you, it really does. What’s your ex’s attitude to it all now then? Does he candidly open up about his addiction does he realise he’s lost you as a result, does he actively want to go cold turkey by his own willpower?

I haven’t witnessed the comedown from heroine, that’s not my bfs thing and from what I know of how different the experience (crack v smack) is, I’d guess the come down may also be very different.

For my bf, when he’s on the crack his heart pounds, his body gets super hot, ‘party for one’ I call it. He satellites almost straight away, but does that more intensely the deeper into it he gets. If we talk while he’s on it, he’s super attentive, contented and almost level headed to the point of being totally reasonable and open about anything. When he’s not on it, it’s totally the opposite. He’s more aware of what’s around him, he gets impatient, really impatient, sometimes it’s clear he has crack on his mind. To me I think it’s like he’s missing feeling good about himself. The irritability and general unpleasantness lessens when we’re around other people / when he’s properly distracted, but it never subsides for long. Personally, I’ve always believed it’s as though he can’t naturally experience positive feelings of love, pride, tenderness, romance (all the nice stuff) anymore. either in part or totally, unless he’s on the crack. Like the natural way his brain feels good things is overridden to such a degree and is now so deeply suppressed it’s as synthetic or nothing. My experiences are by no means backed by medical or scientific knowledge, only knowledge of my boyfriend and our relationship.

Aside from the more mental and ‘feelings’ (or lack thereof), side of things. He also gets quite sweaty. Its not massively noticeable for him and doesn’t tend to last that long. That could be just a him thing though, he’s not a sweaty person anyway. When he does sweat, he’ll sweat through his eyes a bit though.

When he does go cold turkey, and he only does this of his own free will, he’ll exercise more, smoke more, it’s also as though life is dull. From what I know of heroine, as it’s a way to numb the body and (I think) slow the heart, I expect the come down will be the opposite of numb, so pain?! This is obviously just a guess, not based on first hand experience. I’m sorry if that’s not all that useful for you.

Either way though, evil is evil. Crack or smack, both are absolutely disgusting and destructive substances. Does it matter which he’s doing, or is it that you just want to catch him out / prove him an addict? And don’t get me wrong, I’ve been that girl, I’m not being judgey. I guess I’m just asking, will it make a difference either way? Xxx

[coco1212]

No it doesn’t matter which he’s as you say it’s disgusting. He’s not open about he goes round the houses about it. But he’s never been a talker especially if he’s in the wrong. It isn’t his choice to come down off it im just refusing to fund it. He’s stolen from me and my children in order to fund it.

[coco1212]

It does sort of like crack with the going hot and the irritatabilty. It’s just the pain he says he’s in that throws me off.

[liberty]

Coco1212, refusing to fund his addiction is a really brave and hard thing to do, but I do believe it’s totally the right thing to do, because unless something changes, he’s always going to need more, and if there’s one thing I do know, for me and my boyfriend, the crack ALWAYS wins. If my boyfriend can’t get it, he’ll ask me for the money. Sometimes he says he needs a top up on food or phone, most of the time we know each other so well, he just asks me direct for the money. I admit on the odd occasion I have given the bare minimum to him, but honestly I’ve given him hell about it, even managed to damage his buzz. Now, on the rare occasion that he needs food and rarer, phone credit, I buy him food and cook it for him, or I’ll transfer him money for credit (it’s always when he’s out) and have him send me the receipt, which he does.

It is hard when they want money, they honestly stop at nothing. Tell them they’re ruining the relationship, explain how, verbally fight them and make them understand how wrong it is, they just never stop. Because the need for it never stops. I think this is how my bf and I are still together. He knows I know. Rarely now he asks me for anything and he knows if he does I’ll either not give it to him, or I’ll damage his buzz. I know how far he’s gone to get what he wants. This is the really nasty side, the area of addiction that needs to be addressed in a better way than how it is. My boyfriend has spent time in prison for shoplifting, which I know he’s done when he really has no other option. He’s been ‘away’ 4 times, they’ve put him on rehabilitation report, and in my view it’s all a useless waste of taxpayer money. He got drugs in prison, he came out in the same position he went in; with a drugs habit. It’s a vicious circle. This is how far he goes when he needs it. Obviously I can’t know your circumstances, they may be very different, but in my experience, it doesn’t matter how many times I say no, or what it’s doing to us/him/his life, the addiction always wins.

Personally, I believe each time my bf tells me he can stop and wants to stop he believes himself that, that’s the case. He never can though. I’ve read examples of how people do overcome the addiction, I consider the options for us and for him. We/he was doing really well before covid, his use was down to an absolute minimum, he was working again, life was getting much better, I don’t know how well and how far that could’ve gone, in terms of overcoming it, because covid hit and we went majorly into reverse. I still have faith that he could eventually have freed himself from the addiction, I still have hope that he will. And these are the two things that keep me going, 1: believing that he does love me, 2: believing that eventually he’ll overcome this addiction and our plans to travel and just live a good life will happen. Lately things have got very very bad again and I’ve questioned these two things again, even realised that their odds of success are slim, but each time we pull together, rekindle our love and get back on the same track.

Coco1212, i hope this helps you, I don’t want to turn you against your ex with any of this real talk. If he is your kids dad and you do want and need to keep him in your life, finding that balance is hard. I know as women it’s not our responsibility to stay, or to help, but it’s never cut and dry and for the most part we do. Sending love and care to you and your family xxx

[coco1212]

Thank you. No you haven’t turned me against him, your just sharing your own experiences. Yesterday he rang the doctor for help a first for him they gave him a number to call and he did much to my surprise. They also said they would ring today to do a assessment and he answered again to my surprise now the next step is he has to go in to meet with someone but that is over a week away that will be a huge test. Since the incident he does seem to be a bit better obviously he’s still on it but he can’t be on as much as he was before because he hasn’t gone away long enough to. And I’m not giving him any money ive told him he has to pay back what he’s had before.

[liberty]

Coco1212, that sounds really positive, how do you feel about it all?

I’d like my bf to ask the dr for help, but it never happens, he never does.

66 days apparently, it takes 66 days to create a new habit/override a past one, I don’t know if that’s scientific or not, but I read it somewhere and it’s stayed with me. My bf hasn’t been cold turkey or any non-using situation for anywhere near that length of time, which proves it doesn’t work.

I’m sure a medically supervised and aided withdrawal is the way forward. I hope this gives you a better direction x

[liberty]

Also, when he disappears, do you know where he goes? My bf hangs out somewhere from time-to-time. I know it’s not another women, he’s reassured me of that. He doesnt go to crack houses since a bad incident 5 years ago, he told me some of the people in those places just look at you like a meal ticket, they’ll steel anything from you, they’re not your friends. I know he goes somewhere. I think likelihood is he’s at some male drug dealers place, I know none of his friends, even the ones who do drugs, none of them would tolerate the extent to which he does it. It’s the only conclusion I come to each time; maybe he’s with a dealer, maybe doing some delivery work on the side in exchange for it, who knows! Whatever it is he’s ashamed of it, he doesn’t talk about it at all, to the point of it basically not existing. I don’t really think there’s anything I can do about it either, but it does worry me. The not knowing and I don’t want him exposed to anything health wise, but what can I do!

[coco1212]

Hi liberty

He’s going to his first appointment Friday.

He’s still using but I guess until he’s on treatment it’s expected. He reckons once he’s on treatment that’s it.

Disappearing your right it’ll be with some dealer and work on the side in exchange. He’s round about said that to me, he never admits anything but when I’m right he’s silent which is admission in it’s self.

I feel a little better although I just wish this part of my life was over.

How are you doing ?

[liberty]

Coco1212, I’ve been thinking more about what you said re disappearing, how did I not see it all this time. It makes total sense. Working for a dealer, that’s the last resort afterall. Wow. Can’t believe I never saw it before, I always just thought he was at a mates doing it, I guess also because he’s never (and we are very open about things) ever talked about that as a thing. Thanks for sharing that x

[jaynhissay]

Hey coco and liberty,

I have an addiction to crack and heroin which I am just about fending off at the moment.

After living the lifestyle that your describing your partner’s to be living I can give you an insight into the way he’s probably spending his time if that would be something you would be able to get an idea of and then it may be useful when you next come to speak with your partner’s. I am only going to be able to give you my experiences but having been in different towns and cities the way these people who are running these drug operations don’t change very much so I think my experiences will be similar to your partner’s.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, thank you for sharing. If you don’t mind me asking, why do you do it? Do you realise what a hold it’s got over you, do you want to break it, do you actually just enjoy it too much to care? My bf knows exactly what he’s doing to himself and to us. He tells me he’d stop if he wanted to, then tries and can’t. What I try and get across to my bf is how much better our lives would be if we didn’t have this in his life, does that even make a difference. Would that make a difference to you? Sending my hopes that you can be kind to yourself xx

[broken2020]

Hello I know this is an old thread (not even sure if this is the right word lol)

But I was reading through them as my partner is a crack addict.

I was just wondering how you are doing?

I found your be insight useful.

[coco1212]

Thank you that may be helpful.

To be honest I don’t know but today I feel anxious and sick and I know why because I’m suspicious again. It’s also because I’ve been around my mum who is far from supportive. I must the only person who loved lockdown because it meant I didn’t have to mix with anyone. I don’t want to mix with people because they ask questions I don’t want to answer. I know whats going on, I know my situation isn’t normal and it’s not ideal. But I’m trying to make the most of a rubbish situation for my kids I feel I need to help their dad but what I will say is if he messes up his treatment when he goes on it that’s because I have done more then most would and at least I can honestly say to my children I did everything I could.

[liberty]

Oh Coco, will you be attending with him? wow, I totally get how you must be feeling and I absolutely agree, my mum and I barely speak about things now. same for my mates, except for the reeeeally close ones. It’s so hard having to not share what’s really going on and it’s understandable that people get angry, they’re just being protective of us. I see me not sharing the details of what goes on by way of protecting the ones I care about now, from worry. It does make me feel numb and mean sometimes. I’m sure, like me, you have enough of an understanding of what you’re doing and why you’re doing it to choose and decide that what you’re doing is right. Sometimes I question my ability to make decisions, but ultimately I know deep down I’ll go if I know it’s a lost cause. I don’t look ahead anymore for that reason.

And thanks btw, apart from having a cold, which my bf gave me and I unknowingly then passed onto my mum (which I am so unbelievably angry at myself and him for), we are doing ok still. He actually said today he’s gonna get back on track after this weekend. There’s so many questions I had for him, what he means and how, but I just said nothing. Kept the conversation moving.

I really want to say two things to you, firstly, it’s sounds like you’re under so much pressure and thinking ahead like this, worst case just adds to it. I’ve done this myself, I get it! Addiction is sooo unpredictable I think, it just doesn’t do.

Also, secondly… Honestly, from what you’ve said, you’re a clever woman, I’m sure if you’ve done all you can and you know you have, I’m sure you wouldn’t hesitate to do what you’ve got to do and just walk away.

The other angle to it is that I know that when I think I’m being supportive of my bf, he just feels under more pressure and that makes things much worse, he uses more, pushes me away again and we’re back to square one. It’s still really hard, and sometimes I can’t do it, but now I just try to stay out of it, wait for him to come to me, I ask if he wants to talk about things now instead of going in and trying to be all super supportive and complimenting of his positivity, which I did a lot more of in the past.

Your guy has committed to getting help, I know that’s only a small win, but it’s a win. I hope you can stay positive, will be thinking of you on Friday. Hoping for the best Xx

[jaynhissay]

Hi liberty

I’ll try to answer your questions for you. I’m not currently using any class A drugs as I’ve said in some of the other posts I am still smoking cannabis in the evenings and I’m finding this is helping me to stay away from the crack and heroin. I started over 20 years ago experimenting with drugs it was in my late teens that I realised I had an issue. At first I did it because I was enjoying it but once the addiction has a hold of you there’s nothing enjoyable about it. I used drugs as an escape from reality and to try and stop thinking about the things that I had been through and that caused me pain. I don’t know the extent of your partner’s using but I know that if he’s an addict it won’t really matter what you say to him about your lives being better without drugs I’m sure he will know that but when it was me in that situation it wasn’t enough to stop me from using. Nothing was! I had to get to a place where I had had enough of it all and was committed to getting clean. Even though I reached that place I still relapsed. The way drugs affected the way I thought about things was just so scary I thought the powder cocaine had a hold on me but it was nothing compared to what crack cocaine did to me and my family. I don’t know if I’ve answered your questions or made it more confusing to understand but I’m happy to try and answer any other questions you might have. Or even any that your partner might have about the struggles he’s going to face in the fight for freedom from active addiction

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, thank you for sharing and for such honesty. I guess what you’ve shared just reaffirms what I’ve always concluded myself from an outside looking in perspective, which is a new interesting level of insight I haven’t reached before. Also, it sounds like you’re in a relatively good place right now, a little bit of green sounds like a fair trade for normality and staying off the white and the brown.

If you don’t mind me asking, what happened for you to have had enough? Was it a binge that pushed your body further than before, mentally did you finally let go of a painful memory you are trying to suppress, or was it something else? I hope that isn’t too intrusive of me to ask. Appreciate any insight you can share.

Also, out of interest, if class A was like ten times more expensive, I.e… if it’s street value were so high that no amount of day-to-day working, begging steeling, trading designer goods, etc could raise the money needed. Would that hypothetically force you to stop because it’s so unobtainable? How would that change things?

[coco1212]

Hi liberty

He’s asked me to go with him but I’m not sure I’m allowed but I’m going to take him.

He’s been distant for a couple if days which makes me worry that he won’t even make the appointment but we’ll see. I’m not holding on forever if he doesn’t attend I’m done with it all. We split a year ago so I don’t need to be holding on to him.

It’s for my kids I’m doing this for.

I hope in your case I’m wrong about the dealer but in his I knew I wasn’t. To my knowledge he hasn’t seen that one in two weeks but unfortunately there’s one just around the corner from my house.

I hasn’t realised until recently just many dealers and addicts was in and around where I lived. It’s crazy, disgusting and sad at the same time.

I hope your partner gets help after this weekend. It’s been an anxious wait I thought he get in at the doctors and bam treatment would start but it’s been over a week for this appointment which in the grand scheme of things isn’t long it just feels like the longest time.

I really hope if he attends that treatment starts. I know it isn’t just about treatment there’s more to it but it’ll help , I’m hoping.

[jaynhissay]

Hi liberty, hope your doing okay today.

It wasn’t just the one thing that got me to a stage where I had had enough. I was fed up with the same thing day in and day out. I had taken 2 overdoses and had 3 ligature attempts within 10 days to just try to end the way I was feeling. I also used to sit on my own thinking about the things I’d lost, relationships I’d ruined, friendships I’d destroyed and I was sick of never having a penny to do anything with the people who were still supporting me and not drug users. The things I was trying to get away from are still being dealt with in the present day and probably will be something I deal with for a long time to come. I am just dealing with them rather than just trying to forget or runaway from them. Also before I relapsed I was the happiest I’ve been in a long long time. I was experiencing pleasure from the everyday things that people get joy from. I don’t remember being able to smile about anything whilst I was using.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, oh wow. My heart goes out to you, it really does. To get to such a low low point, it’s heartbreaking. I’m so glad to hear your attempts failed and so so sad that it had reached such a low point, and although you’re in a totally different situation, I can empathise with the exasperation to a degree. Many times in my life I’ve felt totally worthless, but to get to the point where I wanted the pain to stop that I would go to such measures, I think you’re so brave to acknowledging that’s how bad it got, it’s brave that you’ve managed to walk away, have that as part of your story and not the end. Honestly, well done to you.

How are things for you now, on a daily basis I mean? Are you still receiving and accepting the support from others?

I do recognise that we all have things challenge us in life, things I haven’t shared on here that I’ve been unfortunate enough to have experienced, things that have pushed me to the worst places mentally, but that I was later able to overcome to a manageable point. For years I thought there was some higher power punishing me, but I realised that bad things happen to good people, we make our own luck and our lifestyle choices are purely that… ours to own and change if we’re not satisfied with them.

Do you get any medical assistance too? Are the ‘state’ involved at all?

Sending much love and care

[coco1212]

If you don’t mind me asking what made you relapse? You have to give a exact reason, what i mean is was it something from your past that triggered it or something new ?

How did you get into it ?

My ex when he does actually speak and not sit there like he’s mute mentioned delayed grief and although it maybe did play a part I can’t help thinking he did just because he could.

I don’t think he gives his children a second thought ever.

[liberty]

Coco1212, Friday finally. I’ve been thinking of you. Good to hear he wants you to take him, although it’s a shame you can’t join him, that does make sense I suppose and perhaps he can be completely candid in the appointment with the specialist, and not in any way try to suppress or down-play anything so as not to disappoint you.

I honestly do think it sounds as though he does care about you and the kids, taking this first step is huge for him I’m sure. What Jaynhissay had shared about wanting to spend money doing things with the people who were/are supportive, perhaps it’s a similar mindset for your x. After all he’s already nearly totally lost you which means losing the kids, perhaps that’s his motivation for changing his lifestyle choices – I think it’s very likely and I really hope that’s the case. For everyone’s sake.

I personally wouldn’t worry about the silence and distance thing. My bf has told me all too often in the past that he physically and mentally has to sometimes totally ignore the subject of crack. Talking or thinking about it puts it in his mind and even though it’s talked about/thought about in a kind of constructive way, he’s still got it in his mind. Honestly, we don’t talk about it much anymore, not at all, and if we do, it’s him who’s chosen to say something. Most of the time also, it’s a one liner. Like for us last month my bf said if he can’t keep away from the crack for 30 days he’s a prick. That didn’t quite go to plan for him, but that’s all I need to hear sometimes, I know him so well to gage how he’s feeling and I have to force myself to not doubt him now, but I just have to trust that he’s been open enough to share that with me without any probing from me, so he still trusts me. And I think that’s important, it’s so easy to lose my bfs trust. I’ve done that in the past, pushed him so much to know what he’s doing to us that he recoils and shuts me out completely. Sometimes I just can’t help it, for me that’s always the last straw. I’m like come on, seriously, get real this is where we’re at and it’s because of your habit, that’s how I get. Always, we can never walk away from each other. We’ve gone full cycle of that in a shorter time this time around and that’s been the case while I’ve been sharing with you on here. I reached out to this platform at our very worst point, now again, it feels like were back on the complete opposite, we’re back to trusting stage. Also, he hasn’t mentioned anything, but he hasn’t done any for 3 days, just a bit of green. It’s his birthday this weekend and usually (this is gonna sound messed up, but go with me on this) his son gives him some, and today I asked his son if I could have some for him because of his birthday (not because I’m treating him, but because we’ve decided to have a weekend away and I was thinking as a standby thing) and he totally talked me out of it, which I didn’t expect him to do. And if you’re wondering how has his son got involved, it’s because my bf uses him as a middle man as it were, a layer of protection between him and the dealers. If he gets it through him it’s like he knows he can’t ask for more. I used to see it as his son being a facilitator or enabler, and he is in a way, but I think his son knows, just as I do, that when my bf wants it, he’ll get it. Better to support him in trying more sensible methods of consumption I think.

Anyway, he’s really close to his son, they speak and almost see each other every day. I also get on very well with him, but in the 3rd sense. I get on well with his mum too, we’ve known each other a while now, we actually often speak about my x and his behaviour we both know she’s happy with her partner, they broke up a long long time ago and she knows he and I are well suited in many ways, so it’s all good.

The point is though, the fact that his son talked me out of it again just gives me another insight. I don’t need to ask, but my feeling is they’ve talked about it and his son, this week, has been giving him green instead.

I don’t know what’s next for either of us Coco1212, but I think our partners (or in your case x) are in positive places. It’s hard, but I’m giving my bf the benefit of the doubt. Again! And I don’t have to, and I’m not always happy about that, but I’ve chosen to support him, so I just need to go with it I feel.

Will be thinking of you today, I do hope it goes as well as it possibly can and I think what you’re doing is amazing. Xxx

[jaynhissay]

Liberty, when you said his son gives him some do you mean he gives him crack or weed? Im having a difficult night tonight its like the part of my brain that cravings come from is screaming at me with a megaphone. Ive just got back from a long fast power walk to try and help. Do your partners ever get the intense cravings and manage to fend them off?

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, did you manage to suppress the cravings? I hope so. (This is the second time I’ve written this reply, the first post was rejected, I’m not sure if it’ll be posted or not, apologies for double messaging if it is, I didn’t want you to think I hadn’t replied). I’m sorry to hear that a girl you thought was yours isn’t. It’s not a drugs thing, but I totally get that feeling of wanting to better ourselves for others, that’s sometimes great motivation, sometimes it makes me put a lot of unnecessary extra pressure on myself. Personally, I try now just to do things for me.

Yes, his son gives him white and green, sometimes he cooks the white, it just depends what his son has managed to get. But the difference between his son and a dealer, his son will say no. I used to think it’s a bad thing, but I see positives in it now.

I’d like to say my bf suppresses his cravings, but I don’t believe he ever does not really. His body is really starting to suffer now, on the inside. He coughs a LOT, his teeth are in terrible shape and his body is riddled with inflamed lymph nodes/lumps and bumps. I do worry for his health, he won’t see a dr and even though sometimes he does cold turkey and talks about stopping, deep down I don’t know if he really wants to. He lives in this endless cycle, when he craves more and he actually has some money he’ll get on it hard. It’s at these times that he’s often told me he gets to the point where he’s had too much, like he’s eaten something and is full and just doesn’t want anymore. When that happens he starts training again, try’s actively to eat more, and buys it through his son because his son only gives him the minimum every day. He can stay that way for good amounts of time sometimes, until he’s bored of those other things. Sometimes I’ve seen him distract his mind doing things like cleaning, reading, weights, but for him I think it’s just his way to manage in the short term, until he’ll allow himself more. And he always does allow himself more. He’s killing himself, I do believe he knows that. I don’t know what will happen to him/us, I suspect something is on the cards, I try not to think about it because it’s out of my control. What can I do?!

Out of interest, when you’re off it and your mind starts to get clearer, how long is it before you feel natural feelings of good things, how long before the dopamine is naturally produced by your brain again? This is my worry, that my bfs brain is only capable of feeling good things synthetically, as he does. Do you feel like that? We all want to feel good about ourselves, I just wish sometimes that he’ll allow his body the chance to feel it naturally. Do you ever reach that point, does it get easier when you do? Sending love and care again, I really do hope you’re keeping in a good place, I know it must be exasperating at times, from someone who’s seeing the damage third hand, please be kind to yourself. Xx

[jaynhissay]

Hi liberty,

I did manage to get through the time I was having the bad cravings thanks. I am with my son this weekend so that’s why I’ve been a bit quiet on here but I will come back on the forum a little later on to answer your questions about the feeling things again.

[coco1212]

Well he’s been and seems positive only time will tell.

Fingers crossed this has a positive outcome but I’m not in denial I know there’s a long road a head a possibly bumps in the road too.

[liberty]

Coco1212, that’s great to hear. What happens next? Glad it went well

[coco1212]

Waste of time. He hasn’t even given it 24 hours he’s had a check through today and all he wants to do is cash it and get some. I’m I’ve told him to leave the deal was to help and sort it out and he’s failed.

[coco1212]

Do you think I’m expecting too much? I’ve had a little while to calm down and maybe I am. I guess it won’t happen over night but I get so frustrated with it all.

[liberty]

Coco1212, did he cash the cheque and get some? I hope he didn’t.

Does he know you’ve got his back and why you’re helping him? Does he know you’re helping him so he can give up for his kids?

Can you ask him how he wants you to help him? How much ownership of this addiction he can handle himself?

My bf had me controlling his money once, it was relatively early on in our relationship, he called me his finance director, which he said he needed, he doesn’t trust himself with money. He had me install his banking app on my phone, he gave the bank approval to speak to me, I set up an instant access savings account for him, when any money came he’d tell me what he needed to spend on what, if tuck the rest into savings. He didn’t know how much he had, he didn’t want to know. It worked for a while, but he got tired of having to justify his spending on drugs, his use went right up and he’d spent all his money and was asking for me to lend him some for drugs. I used to track his spending and he hated hearing that he’d spent 1200 on drugs and 50 quid on travel and money on nothing else for the whole month. It’s like hello! We have rent and food and phone bills to pay! And I thought we wanted to take a holiday!!! He hated hearing it so he had me delete it. It did work for the short term. Perhaps that could work for you? For us it failed because he always wants more, he’s not really interested in giving up most of the time. But I think deep down your bf is and does want to give up, he’s physically getting help, my bf hasn’t ever wanted to do that. Are you safe and brave enough to be in a position where you have to tell him no?! Does he trust you to manage his money? That’s what I became, a mediator. My bf can be a very aggressive and violent man, he carries the scars to prove it, but I know deep down he’d never lay a hand on me. I’m small, softly spoken and am very good at fighting back verbally, but am not a violent person at all, and would lay a hand on him, which he’d say my strength is like a bat bite, he’s thrown things across the room, but never at me and never turned to touch me with force. I wouldn’t stand for that, not even once, he knows that. I made that mistake before with another man a long time ago.

In my experience now, I know to expect nothing. I hope for a lot, but I expect nothing, but I’ve walked away a lot. Like, he’s started to get on it in front of me a lot, and sometimes I tolerate it, more of the time him smoking is my queue to leave and he hates that. He’s begged me to stay, told me it’ll be half hour, but it never is. If he physically put down the pipe I’d stay, he never has. He’d rather see me leave and carry on smoking. Eventually he may still loose me completely, I don’t sacrifice my own health for his, what he does is completely on his own back. He knows he’s killing himself, and that’s his choice. I do still remind him of what we could have in life, but it’s on him if he kills himself first. Which some days I half expect.

Also, he was in prison at the age when his kids could be his motivation. Now they’re all grown up with their own lives and families, it’s all on him now. I hope it’s different for your guy.

Sending love, and honestly well done for staying strong and allowing yourself the time and space to realise how hard this is for him. Honestly, I get it, I really do, and well done you xxx

If he hasn’t done so already I’m sure he knows how lucky he is and I’m sure he’ll thank you in the end.

[sb2020]

Hi all. Sorry I’ve not been on for awhile, I was on “ignorance is bliss” mode. It sounds like one way or another we are all in the same position with our other halves and it’s probably the same for them. Can I ask how do you talk to your partners about the problems that their habit is causing? I can’t talk to mine at all about it, he goes on the defensive, lies and denies. I keep everything bottled up, I know he knows how unhappy I am but he won’t say anything because he hates talking about problems. I’m now in touch with counselling for myself as i know my mental health is starting to suffer, which again he hasn’t spoke to me about even though he knows I’ve referred myself. I need to tell him how I’m feeling and what his addiction is doing to us but going by past experiences he would rather leave the relationship than talk. Xx

[liberty]

SB2020, good to hear from you. I think Counselling is a really good thing if you get a good one, I’ve had a pretty rubbish one and an absolutely amazing one, not for the drug related relationship issues, for other things, but I see the value in it for sure. If you don’t mind me asking, are you seeing a counsellor for any specific reason? I.e… are you trying to just to help keep a clear mind, are confused about what you want, or is it something else? Xx

Yes, talking openly about addiction with my bf has been so difficult for me too. It’s something I haven’t done much of for a while tbh, for various reasons, but I used to do it almost every day and we used to really fight because of it. I did it because I wanted to catch him out, dissect his behaviour, really talk through what he was doing, make him understand how wrong it is. Like you’d do with a child. I’ve come to realise that he’s not a child, I’m usually right, he does know exactly what he’s doing to himself and when it’s me v crack, the crack always wins! Times I’ve failed are when: he’s craving it or when he’s in that argumentative and unpleasant mood. Times I’ve succeeded: when he’s high (believe it or not this is when we’ve talked the most about his addiction but I’m careful about what I ask and how) or when he knows he’s about to loose me because I’m failing to communicate with him at all he’s got soooo confrontational and I can’t take the bickering any longer.

Xx

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

Yes he did cash the cheque he did give me some money but what he owes me there’s still plenty more he needs to give me back.

I’m not sure if he did get any but I do he possibly did. He go shopping like he said he was going to and when I went to him this morning I didn’t see any wrappers like normal just cigarette butts and his pipe was there but in bits so I don’t know what to think. He’s had his medication so this is dose 3. He gets 1 dose a day. Normally he has to have it at the chemist so they see him take it but obviously its closed Sunday so they give you Sundays dose to take away with you. I thought he’d take it before he was supposed to but he didn’t.

I want to believe he wants this but im not sure if I’ve forced it on him.

It sounds to me you have been extremely supportive of your bf. I can’t be supportive of the habit. To me he never needed to do it, he knew how against drugs I was and he did it anyway. I can’t forgive that. Also I can’t forgive how loyal he was to the dealer and how nasty and disgusting he became towards us to please him. He’s lost so much for that dealer, I’m still not how much he can see his habit and dealer took from him.

Sb2020

My ex doesn’t like to talk about his problems he’s never been much of a talker often his silence says enough. If your barking up the wrong tree but if im right he’ll be silent. I think they do know the damage they cause but they need their fix more to understand how we feel.

[sb2020]

Hi Coco 1212, his usual response is to say something like “so do you want me to leave then, is that what you’re saying” so then we just get into something total off topic and I don’t get to say anything I wanted or needed to say. I’ve even ended the conversation with telling him it’s pointless me saying anything and he just carries on his day like nothing happened. It really is getting to the stage where I don’t think he gives a damn about me or maybe he’s wanting me to blow so i kick him out and he can go on a crack bender?xx

[sb2020]

By the way I’m an empath so the smallest of change in him I feel it straight way, if he’s having a bad day, so am I and I’m so fed up of feeling miserable when other than him I have an absolutely amazing life in reality. Xx

[coco1212]

Jaynhissay

I’m so pleased you manage to beat your cravings. You must be proud of yourself it shows how far you’ve come.

Have you been off It a while ?

Sb2020

Yeah it does make you feel constantly miserable. Maybe you need to call his bluff have you tried that before ?

Myself and my ex had been together 18 years first time we ever split because of this.

We’ve had alot of time apart in the year We’ve been apart he kept coming back when he needed a breather I think he’s been back but not living in the house for just over two weeks and he’s gone for help. It’s very early days. He has to get place to live although I think he thinks he’ll move back in with us but too much has happened. And too many other people are involved now.

It’s sad I thought we would always be together but it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know once he has his own place how any of us will manage being apart but this is where his decisions have led us.

[sb2020]

Coco1212, yes I’ve called his bluff before, that’s the last time we split up, he was gone 6 mths, we only got back together July this year after all the promises and talk about change blaah blaah blaah. I should have gone with my gut, I knew deep down things wouldn’t change. When he’s with me, he doesn’t use crack and coke as much as when we split up, I know he tries to keep it to a minimum but it’s like he doesn’t realise the affect it has on our relationship and on me. I don’t sleep well when he hasn’t had it for a couple of days due to the withdrawal affect it has on him, he doesn’t keep still, I mean like literally every 15 to 20 seconds he’s head banging, violently twitching tossing and turning but literally bounces when he turns. This goes on until hes in a deep sleep anything from 2 to 4hrs a night, when hes on it it’s mild so I can manage to fall asleep. His mood swings are so up and down, it’s what I assume living with someone with bipolar would be like. He won’t get help for any part of his addiction, he won’t even admit he’s got a problem, not even for the sleep behaviour.

I’m so happy your ex partner is trying to get help, hopefully you will be able to move forward and maybe eventually get your relationship back on track, 18 years is a long time, you sound like such a strong person. I think there needs to be more support for families of addicts because it’s not just their life that get destroyed xx

[coco1212]

Sb2020

It’s very hard when you love someone to turn your back on them.

I’m not strong believe me, plenty of people have turned against me for not cutting him out completely. I’ve also been accused of putting him before my children which is rubbish, I’d never do that but it is because of my children I’ve tried to help him. If I can help get him of this stuff and they can have their dad back why shouldn’t I try to do that?

I’ll never fully trust him again, I don’t think anyone can after something like this.

I’m glad he’s gone to get help and he’s on medication to help stop it all. I just hope it continues.

I 100% agree with you about there should be more help out there for us. It’s very isolating and frustrating. I’ve been in some dark places with all this and I’ve done a few stupid things too out of desperation to get it all to stop to make him see the damage it’s caused.

How long has he been on it for ?

I hope he gets help soon.

Sending love your way

[liberty]

Coco1212, this must feel like hell for you, I’m so sorry to hear that you were together for so long before he became an addict, it must feel like you don’t even know him anymore, that must be so horrible. I honestly do think you’re so brave.

If it helps, my bf smokes cigarettes and smashes his pipe as preventative measures. The cigs to pad out his use, the breaking of the pipe to physically stop himself smoking any more. I’d give him benefit of the doubt on those things.

Where could he stay if not with you? I absolutely think he can’t be using drugs in the same house as the kids, that can’t happen at all, but undoubtedly isolation will make everything so much harder, how can you get that balance? Xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, I’ve lost friends because of my bf too, just because others don’t understand or support you it doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing. Provided you’re looking after yourself in all this, don’t let other people’s opinions make you question your ability to make decisions, they’re not living this. You are!! Xxxx I’m with you all the way on this xxxx

[coco1212]

Thank you liberty.

If he doesn’t have me he has no one to support him. That’s what makes things so hard for me. Because he needs support or he’ll have to be with other dealers and addicts. He’s not in the house he’s in a caravan outside. I can’t have that around the kids plus social services wouldn’t have that too, which is right.

He’s actually just sent me a message saying he already feels a bit better which has come as a shock. He has also just admitted another surprise that he has had £20 worth since being on treatment I’m annoyed but it’s not as bad as it could be.

[liberty]

Coco1212, wow. Ok, that’s quicker than I’d expected, and a good sign of what’s to come I hope. What’s £20?! That’s a good day for my bf, that’s the money he spends when he’s managing his habit, or 4 hours in real terms for us.

The fact that he told you shows he’s open and trusting enough to share that with you, that’s really good.

It makes me think now I need to somehow get my bf to the drs, he’s never had medical assisted withdrawal before, not that I’m aware of, maybe this is the way forward. He doesn’t trust society in general though, not drs not lawyers, not police, no one.

Please do keep me posted, thinking of you and wishing for the best xxxx

[coco1212]

Hi liberty

£20 gets him what he calls a 2 and a 1 which he has 2 dark 1 light. Some people only have 1 or the other and some have both so I’m told ive done alot of digging to find out things.

I think the doctors is the way forward although the place i contacted myself originally is the place he’s now under.

I really hope that, that is all he’s had but again today he’s taken his medication in front of me too without me saying a word to him.

Thank you for kind words and support.

I hope your bf gets help soon as you know it’s very early days for my ex so only time will tell if it’s a success but I hope it is. And I hope that will be the case for your bf nothing worse then this habit it takes over your life aswell as their’s

[coco1212]

I hope your all ok

[liberty]

Coco1212, thanks for yours! Honestly, I’ve never shared such detail before, my friends judge me if I say too much and sometimes I just hate to hide it. It’s been quite therapeutic just being so open and although it’s sad that other people, like you, are in a similar position, I’m reassured at the same time.

How’s he doing now? Taking his medication in front of you, he really does trust you then. Yes, it does take over at times, it shouldn’t have to take over, would be nice to have a crystal ball, know that it lasts for x and one day when x it’ll all be good and life will be happy.

Doing ok-ish here, thanks for asking. We had a lovely weekend celebrating his birthday, a few minor hick-ups, all the usual crack related, but ultimately it was really nice to have some quality time together remembering why we do this. He’s been in a really positive frame of mind for this past week, and his use has been minimal since Sunday. He’s just got paid now though and so, once again, it’s that time of the month when he falls off a cliff. Feeling a bit low if I’m honest, I know what’s coming, and now we have lockdown. I’m continuing to live with and support my elderly mother, and I absolutely don’t want to take any risks with this new lockdown, so trying to keep myself distracted and put off being with him as much as possible, which doesn’t benefit me, but absolutely doesn’t benefit him.

One positive thing happened though, I sowed the seed and suggested to my bf that he see the dr maybe get something on prescription to “help him control the cravings” as I put it. He was positive, but said he wants to get some Valium, I argued that prescription drugs are advancing all the time and the dr may have something more suitable and effective than some corner shop Valium. He came back with another defence, I can’t and don’t want to push it, so I didn’t pursue it any further. I’ll re mention it again in a few days, but it really does depend how he is in the next few days.

It’s such a roller coaster isn’t it. Just going to wait it out I think. As best I can.

Xxx

[coco1212]

It’s definitely a roller coaster he’s using whilst on the medication that’s if he even had it yesterday. He went down the to some local lowlifes last night to do it. I can’t live like this It’s too much. I want him out of our lives he’s proven to me me and kids mean nothing so now I’m going to do the same to him. If crack is what he wants crack is what he can have. He can sleep on the streets now I’m done with it.

I’m glad you had a nice weekend but sad your about to go through the rubbish time again.

When I look at him now I’m just disgusted I actually think my love for him has almost gone now.

[liberty]

Oh Coco1212 no, I honestly feel the anger right now. OMG I’m so disappointed for you. What can you do? Will you give him a second chance and a warning? If only we could lock them up until their body is rid of this disgusting substance. That’s how I feel sometimes. Yep, my bf is ignoring me, I suspect he’s smoking ALL of his money right now. He’ll be back at ground zero again in a few days, that’s all it takes to burn everything he earns only on crack. This is when I seriously just wonder if he’ll live or die or suffer a stroke or something debilitating, which is likely now with his age and the amount he’s used it over the years. I’m trying not to think about it. The arse thinks he’s invincible, sometimes he is, I know that won’t last forever.

Distance for me is making things easier, being away from him and with my mum makes me think how hard would it be to actually walk away for good now you know. Not so hard as it used to feel. How long do we go on like this?! I think loosely I’m deciding to just keep going for as long as the covid craziness lasts, I should have some more money by then, and I can move on, on my own, move back closer to my mum. Who knows what’ll happen in the meantime.

Annoyingly again this month things got tight for him and I paid for food, some credit, all stuff he said he’d pay me back for, those were the terms. He hasn’t paid me back yet, sets me back even more, pulls me down with him yet again you know.

Honestly, still hoping for the best for you, I hope he realises how close he is to losing you totally. I hope it doesn’t go that far.

Are you managing to look after yourself in all this? I hope so, I know it can be emotional turmoil. Sending love xxxxx

[coco1212]

He’s back, he came back later that day . Ive told him I can’t keep going in circles.

Today has been a revelation he accidentally admitted to using heroin my worst fear.

Which does explain his medication I thought it was odd but I did read that sometimes it is given.

He’s adamant he hasn’t used that since but how do i trust him now?

He said that someone who he hung around with said it was crack and after he smoked it he said to him this isn’t right they all laughed and he carried on using.

I too am hoping to move, I definitely need to get away.

They don’t realise how selfish they are do they ? How using us emotionally to get want they want sets us back.

I’m doing OK considering you?

Sending love to you too also I just want to say thank you genuinely if I didnt have you to talk to I think I’d go insane x

[jaynhissay]

Hi coco

I’ve just read your latest post and I would like to let you know that I am absolutely staggered by the courage your showing to be able to put some distance between the two of you. I don’t know how someone who smokes crack can mistake heroin for crack. They are different colours to start with, and unless he smokes heroin on a pipe like the crack which is the only real way of mixing the 2 things up as people who smoke heroin usually do so from a piece of tin foil and if that’s the first time he’s smoked heroin he would of been as sick as a dog. I’m sorry I know it’s not anything to do with me really but ????????‍♂️ it’s more lies in the hope that bullshit baffles brains and I think you have a right to know. I wish you all the very best and I hope your courage can be passed on to the people who are needing a bit at the moment

[liberty]

Coco1212, likewise, honestly. And I’m glad he came home.

I’m feeling pretty bad about some of the things I said in my last post. I don’t wish my bf I’ll health at all, I’ve spent a great deal of time energy and money trying to protect him from harm.

So much love / hate.

I do in part believe your X that he wasn’t totally sure what it was, but partly I think curiosity is also equally to blame. A mate of mine smoked a cigarette laced with crack and didn’t realise what is was, she was almost sabotaged into doing it, she’d realised very quickly she’d made a mistake. Crack I know, green I know, heroin I haven’t got a clue about the taste, smell, look.. nothing, I’m guilty of being naive to it.

I know covid is impacting everyone’s lives, but I do honestly wonder if it didn’t happen would we be in such a bad position now? Im pretty sure we wouldn’t. Have you ever seen Johann Hari’s TED talk on addiction? I try and keep that Portugal logic in the back of my mind, I think it made our relationship stronger (but no less turbulent). a lot of me thinks I can’t stop him doing what he feels attached to, especially now. My aim was and still is to try and reconnect him with the world. I keep thinking if Covid hadn’t happened, would things really be this bad? honestly I don’t think they would be. Xxx

Jaynhissay, good to hear from you. How are you doing? Is your head any clearer? Xxx

[coco1212]

Jaynhissay

I’ve got no idea what to think at the moment. He claims the guy did the pipe for him and he thought it was crack until he smoked and said this isn’t right what is it. Everyone their was laughing but he became hooked straight away which now does explain methadone which I was struggling with understanding before but had sometimes it is given to people with crack addiction.

He’s the gift that keeps on giving but not in a good way obviously.

I hope your feeling a bit better and more on track now, you did well to get through that day.

Liberty

Anger and upset makes you sometimes say or do things you wouldn’t normally say and do don’t beat yourself up and it. I’ve said many times that maybe death would be the kindest thing if the habit can’t be broken which is nice or right but when angry, hurt and feeling constantly betrayed these are sometimes the feelings we do feel.

I’ll be honest with you I don’t really know anything about drugs like you said I know about green but everything else I’m pretty clueless because it isnt my world.

He knew I was against drugs and after the length of time we were together he should of known how devastated we would all be but clearly he didn’t care.

I don’t think I can blame covid because his dealer got him in so deep having said that it could of made things a little worse he lived with his dealer when his inheritance came through which went within 2 months and it was a substantial amount.

I just want to feel normal again, be happy again but I just can’t see that day coming.

I hope you both are feeling better than me. Take care both of you.

[liberty]

Coco1212, what is normal anyway? And thanks. I agree, I usually have more control though.

How does he even know his dealer?

You mentioned inheritance, did this start at the time he lost a parent? The death of my bfs mum doesn’t account for his initial intro into that world, but it accounts for the increase in severity of it in a major way. Things were getting better for us just before covid hit because he was just coming to terms with her death. Loss affects us all in different ways, that kind of f-it attitude. Would he or have either of you at any point considered counselling? My bf didn’t go down that route, but I think he paid for that in time instead.

And I’m perhaps like you, I’m not from that world either. We all know people who have dabbled, we’ve all been in situations where we could’ve done that ourselves, sometimes I think we all need something to cling on to, with your bf maybe that was the heroin, that dealer sabotaged him and made it way too easy. So easy that it wasn’t much of a decision for him to carry on. I think that’s the case with my bf, in that it’s too easy for him to carry on. Most people might label my bf a really bad man, he’s had drugs entwined in his life from early on, it’s all pretty much accountable, a lot of bad things he wasn’t responsible for touched his life and I believe he made that decision to cling to crack. He likes it. Like a bad friend he can’t let go of. This probably doesn’t show me in a good light because unlike you, I’ve known about my bfs addiction always, even when we got together, because in varying degrees it’s always been there. I’ve lost friends because they were so against me being with him. There’s a lot to explain in terms of trying to have someone understand it and where my mind was at when we got together, but ultimately, for me, my bf supported me and understood me in ways no one else ever has. He was almost an addiction in himself, I’ve read since that people with addictions are in themselves very addictive personality’s, that’s true for my bf and I. This is our normal, even though he wants to redefine what normal is in reality, a world without drugs he says. You’ve at least known what your bf is like without the influence of an addiction, I think although we’re in similar positions, fighting for the same cause, elimination of this from our lives, for me, sorry to say I chose to be here. You might say I’m crazy, so many people do, Id actually like to know what you think tbh, because I know I’m not crazy, I met someone with an equally unusual past and decided to fight to clean our world (mutually) than to cut him out of mine and regret it. I hope that makes at least a little bit of sense.

I was someone to judge a person like me, before I became myself.

Coco1212, are you fighting to regain the way your life and relationship was before his addiction? Because personally, sorry to say, I don’t think you’ll totally ever get that back. Life will settle, it always does, even if it’s not in the way we necessarily want or expect, but that’s ok. Human nature allows us to fight for a better slice of the world for ourselves to occupy. Provided you are focused on what makes you happy, dispelling the bad and keeping the good, and I know you are, then you’ll find that balance and tranquillity again with time. It’s inevitable, don’t lose hope. Xxx

For me I guess I’m trying to establish where that limit to my fighting his addiction with him ends and is it worth it? Obviously at the start of every little hurdle and battle, I’m still in the YES camp, but it’s always in the back of my mind, I am closer to having the means to get a place of my own anywhere I wish, and I think, when I have that available to me totally, will I jump ship?! Will I use that as my big pivot to just abandon our life together as we know it and am I closer to it, or closer to finding beating it with him. Which will come first?! Only time will tell and until then, I’ll keep fighting.

Love to all for the first weekend of the second lockdown. Xxxx

[coco1212]

Hi liberty

I think my reply was deleted for some reason.

Good question for what is normal , normal for me now would be not forever on edge , not feeling anxious about him using. It would be nice to not feel like I’m his mum.

How does he know his dealer well someone he knows introduced him.

He got his inheritance due to his grandparents deaths.

He’s had a chat with a bereavement councillor today.

[coco1212]

Liberty I am not going to judge you. And you don’t need to justify yourself to me or anyone else.

I hope your OK it’s been a little while. X

[liberty]

Coco1212, thank you for your messages. How are things with you? How’s his recovery going? Sorry for being quiet, I thought perhaps I’d said too much. Thank you for not being judgey.

I don’t want to speak too soon, but my bf has really started to turn a corner. Since his birthday his use has been absolute minimum, it’s like he entered lockdown prepared.

Are you managing to keep a clear head yourself?

I hope so x

[coco1212]

Recovery isn’t really recovery. He’s using he’s gone off the rails. The police are currently out looking for him as he’s stolen my car. I’m so tired of trying to help him and getting thrown in my face so tomorrow the social worker is being called and I’m telling I want him off my property and if he wants to in drug dens then I’m more than happy to let that happen. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. I’m sick of all the crap he brings me. Drugs obviously make him happy and his kids and I mean nothing. So I’m letting him go.

Glad your boyfriend is trying and your feeling better about things. I don’t know how you’ve done it for so long. It’s like torture for me.

[liberty]

Coco1212, that is the worst! I am so sorry to hear that, I really do feel for you, at least you sound level headed, I admire that.

That’s the thing, this is his lifestyle choice. I have no doubt that he does care about you and the kids, he’s just making other lifestyle choices not conducive to a relationship, with you or the kids. Oddly this is one of the first things my bf said to me when we met, he knew who he was, what his priorities had been in the past, I do think he got very tired of that. He’s always lived addiction craziness, but right before we met it was several years of intense crazy. Is it a form of invasive prolonged self-harm. His age and the goodness in our relationship I think is finally making him choose how he wants to spend his days/years (if he has them) from now on, he’s definitely aware of his own mortality. Lastly, I think he knows more than ever the harm he’s done to his body.

He’s also being really open lately; a few weeks ago we were sat in the car in traffic and suddenly he casually dropped in something horrific that happened, he said something like “at that moment I did think what have I done” – I just sat and listened, he knows how awful he’s been. He did the time for it. Has your guy ever been to prison? I hate to say it, but maybe that’ll be the big shock he needs.

I don’t have the answers for you or your guy, I can’t tell you what will happen next or when it will end, but it sounds like he’s not ready for it to end. You’re doing the right thing, you’re keeping a clear head, putting yourself and your kids first and you’ve got my full support in that. Xxx

[coco1212]

Thank you liberty.

No he’s never been to prison but I do feel like it’s going to happen in the future. He went nearly a month of being ok but this weekend a total nightmare. I got my car last night the police got it for me. I do understand there are going to be bumps in the road but its the selfishness of it all, not even to answer the phone.

I’m glad things seem to be getting better for you and your bf I really hope that continues for you.

It’s unbelievable how much control drugs have.

[liberty]

Coco1212, you’ve hit the nail on the head, such control. Almost to the point of the unconscious selfishness I think, addiction cannot be underestimated. It’s almost like having a controllable way to feel good. How accurate that is I don’t know, but that’s the way I see it.

My boyfriend never answers the phone when he’s doing it either, it’s like he’s hiding and is pretending he’s ‘too busy to miss the call’, but by not answering my calls I know what he’s doing. I let him come to me now, I gave up trying to speak to him.

Things really are going from strength to strength now for my bf, I kinda almost feel guilty about the good change in him, literally every day he’s telling me something I’ve tried to tell him myself. (And when I say try, I mean try.)

He told me all of the following today, that he is acknowledging/needs to –

. Stop being angry about the damage to his teeth and stop the thing that’s damaging them

. The same behaviour doesn’t give a different outcome

. 30 years of partying is enough

. Start finding other ways to feel good

. Lockdown has given him space to think

I couldn’t make it up!

Ironic really, I’ve finally accepted him to the point where I don’t care if he does what he does anymore, it’s his life/his body/his choice and he’s stupid or doesn’t care. I’d decided to live my life and not have his behaviour impact me in any detrimental way. I literally stopped trying to fight his habit and leave him to it. And now he decides is the time to stop! Typical.

Could I of saved myself some agro pain and frustration if I hadn’t tried to fight it for him, who knows. Has he realised that I’d given up on him? I think so.

He also told me today that the “other day” he saw a heroin addict he knows in the street, (I don’t want to scare you with this story, please don’t take this the wrong way) they’re friendly and he stopped to chat, and this guy asked for 25p to buy a drink. This guy has reached that point where he was literally on the street begging for change, on crutches because “Fucked up my legs” he said to my bf. It’s no life, who could choose that life?! If they knew what a life it would be, who would choose it?!!!

Sometimes I think too little is shared about the affects of addiction. Put hardcore lifelong addicts on the TV in front of peoples faces, I wonder what that would do to the minds of those who are starting to ‘dabble’. Shock the world. Controversial, but maybe that’s what we need to see. I don’t know, if I had the money maybe I’d try. I don’t.

Glad you got your car back, what’s happened since, has he been removed from your property?

Does he have any friends and what do they think of all this, have they tried to get through to him too?

Xxxxx

[coco1212]

Liberty,

I’m so glad to hear that things are going well for you and your boyfriend.

It’s crazy how he’s now telling you things now you’ve stopped showing care but in a good way.

I really hope this continues.

Yes very underestimated how it can take control in such little time.

No he hasn’t been removed and he has come back but I’ve told this is most definitely the last time I will not be put through this all the and especially my children will not be put through it. He says he did it to teach me a lesson because I took his methadone which technically I didn’t I always save it for him until Sunday because he has his dose at the chemist Saturday and he brings Sunday back. He himself said I don’t trust myself not to have it early so I save it for him. But Sunday morning he was going crazy for it and I tried to hold him off as normally he doesn’t have it until tea time.

Unfortunately the friend I thought would get through to him it turns out he likes to dabble with crack himself and had been asking him to get him some. When I found out I was fuming as I had confided in him keeping him up to date with what he was doing.

It’s sad about that guy now begging but still sometimes I feel like it was your choice.

Yes if they knew the full extent of what it does it does make you wonder would they choose it ? I’d like to think not.

My ex has lost his home, his relationship, his children to an extent, his car and his driving licence plus the money his grandparents wanted him to have for a better life.

And that is In less than 2 years.

I think that’s major.

Xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, “teach you a lesson” wow, i don’t know what to say to that. Did you both agree that you would hold Sunday’s dose?! I take it you did, part of me thinks it’s not for his best, but for your best, next time let him have it. Protect yourself, you’ve spent enough energy trying to protect him, if he has to go against what he’d agreed, he should be the one to suffer the consequences, not you. It’s so hard though, I get it, where do you draw the line?! I’ve asked myself many a time.

I don’t like the sound of the friend, that’s such a shame he’s into crack.

What do your boyfriends parents think? Is there anyone else offering support in all of this? Xxxx

[liberty]

Oh I spoke too soon. he’s disappeared… again!

[coco1212]

I didn’t have a clue this so called friend dabble with it too. I was totally disgusted because he is a single dad. I wouldn’t of believed it of I didn’t see the messages.

His dad has never been supportive ever. He’s always favoured the other child they should of stopped at one child because they’ve never been decent parents to him although his mum is a bit better but is very controlled by the dad.

He is suppose to be getting help from a recovery place but he went they gave him methadone and he’s had no contact since which I think is disgusting.

He also had a bereavement crisis person call him and our social worker helps.

Yes teach me a lesson unbelievable isn’t it ? It was him that asked me to save it for him. He claims he hasn’t used heroin in over a week but I don’t believe that, that’s what the weekend was about I’m sure of it but crack is everyday. He says he’s cut down alot but his mum has been giving him money to keep him away behind his dad’s back.

Oh no I’m so sorry to hear he’s disappeared.

These drugs/dealers have alot to answer for.

The guy that was his main dealer who got him in so very deep and had the whole inheritance is now wanted by police they called me to ask if I knew of his whereabouts unfortunately I didn’t.

How are you feeling about it ?

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it ?

[liberty]

Coco1212, how are you doing?

It’s heartbreaking yes, it can be. You can’t let it get you down though, he’s so lucky to have you.

As much I don’t like to wish ill of people, I hope that dealer is caught for whatever it is he’s involved with. Many a time I’ve wanted to punch a dealer in the face, and I’m the most non-aggressive person ever.

Sounds like your guy has a lot of unstable relationships to hide from, seems like you’re the only stable thing in his life. Is this lack of support for him just because of covid, or would it be like this anyway? When my bf attended drugs rehabilitation it was group sessions, they’d all drink mint tea and share stories, he was given an acupuncture bead in his ear, but it was just a little plastic ball stuck on with some nursing tape. He took it all seriously and I think he enjoyed the chats, but it didn’t make a difference to him. I think he genuinely needed 1:1 counselling, I feel like your guy would benefit from that too, but I have no idea how he can get some.

He disappeared for a day. It was enough to remind me to stay real about it all, but thankfully he’s still doing well! I’m not saying a thing to him. It feels like we’re in a good place again, still a long way to go through.

Xx

[coco1212]

Hi liberty

I’m ok thank you. It’s very hard to stay level headed but I’m trying to. He told the social worker he’s fed up of me accusing him of stuff (he means using obviously) and I did yes I do, do that because I’ve become so paranoid now. I wish I could stop i really do. The social worker did say can you blame her for that.

I think for drug dealers it’s easy money they don’t care about the damage it does it’s just their payday. I know exactly what your saying I’ve imagined all sorts when comes to dealers but I realise another one is just around the corner ready to swoop in.

Yes he does have loads of unstable relationships. This has only just dawned on me that there’s no one who cares about him enough to want or encourage him to kick the habit. That’s heartbreaking in it’s self as he’s not a bad person he’ll help anyone and everyone if he can and if he can’t he’ll try to find someone who can. That’s what’s so sad the amount of people he’s helped and now it’s his turn there’s no one. This isn’t covid related this is how it would be regardless.

I’d love for him to go to rehab be away from all the negative people and temptation. Maybe I’m being naive but I actually think if he went he wouldn’t use again.

I’m glad your both in a good place. There’s going to be bumps in the road we both know that. It’s longer road to recovery then it is for addiction unfortunately. Xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, I’m just reminded of a friend who’s brother is an alcoholic, he’s had a rocky past, volatile relationships, cutting himself off from family, disappearing, living on the streets. He’s currently back living with their dad. My friend said she wants her brother to look after himself a bit more, eat healthy, drink semi skimmed milk, rather than full fat, which apparently he likes. She was in a disagreement with her dad about milk, because he buys his son full fat, what he wants, even if it thinks it isn’t as good for him. What my friend didn’t realise at the time, she does now, is that by buying full fat milk, their dad isn’t trying to not look after him, he’s trying to keep him safe. If he didn’t support with with he wanted there’d be arguments and my mates brother could go awol again, which is not what anyone wants. Although it’s not the healthiest thing to do, their dad just does it to prevent a worse situation.

A totally different situation I know, but basically sometimes doing what we’d consider good just doesn’t work for everyone. By policing certain rules we risk retaliation.

My bf is a very strong and has been a very violent man. To other men, not to me. He’s a total alpha. He’s never hit me, but accidents have happened in moments of complete anger. I don’t like that really angry side of him. That’s how far things have sometimes gone when I’ve stopped him getting crack in some way or ruined it for him.

Basically Coco I’m encouraging you to please protect yourself and him to a degree. If his anger escalates he could go awol again or worse, I’m hoping he’s not a violent man for your sake.

Again stay safe Coco xx

[liberty]

Rehab, coco1212, wouldn’t that be a luxury. If only. My bf said prison was the free rehab, I can’t see it as that, but I hear what he’s saying. – it’s the weekend, so he’s back to being a satellite again.

Oh no, the paranoia. I know how you feel. It’s so hard, you want to help and not want to become his enemy at the same time, I went through the same. That’s when I started to just walk away. Leaving the room didn’t end the conversation more often than not though, not in the beginning, it took me a while longer to realise I could never win, but when I did I stopped fighting. Do you think your bf knows what he’s doing to himself? What if you stop trying to intervene and police his own rules? What would happen? I’ve found that to not be his enemy, sometimes I have to not be his friend. Letting my bf get on with it I think helped him actually. Its like to him I was always fighting his fight, but when I stopped questioning, stopped catching him out, stopped pulling him up on it, it was as though he was like “hang on, she doesn’t care anymore, id better fix up a bit” – as he might put it. That’s how I imagine he must’ve considered it anyway, that’s how it felt to me.

The logic that sometimes you have to let a person make their own mistakes. I totally live by that now.

Also, if you and him agree completely as to how he wants you to support him and he then tries to move the goal posts / tries to get around you / tried to break his own rules, that’s his failure, not yours. He has to take ownership of his own problem. If he gets cross at you, re-agree the terms of how you support him. Eventually you’ll have to get to a point where he’s unable to penalise you. You have to look out for number one Coco. You mustn’t be his enemy, even, as I say, if that means you’re also not his friend.

Stay safe xxxx

[coco1212]

In all honesty no I don’t think he knows what he’s doing to himself.

I really do need to learn to just leave it but it’s so hard and frustrating. How do you mean police his own rules ?

I have no idea what would happen or maybe I do and that’s why I am like I am.

I guess I’m going to have to be more like you and let go abit. Maybe I am suffocating him but I hate what he’s doing and don’t understand for the life of me what is so appealing.

Thank you so much for your advice and support I am trying to look out just for the children and myself but it’s so hard.

Do you have plenty of support? I feel like your always here for me but I can’t really help you. I wish I could. X

[coco1212]

Thank you liberty.

Usually he isn’t violent but I’ll admit since using there have been a couple of incidents. But nothing too bad.

I do completely understand what your saying i guess I do need to back off a bit.

[liberty]

Coco, sorry, I mean police his rules as in if he tells you to hold Sunday’s dose and he forces you to give it to him there’s a point where you can’t enforce his rule, that’s what I mean. Hopefully I’m understanding everything right to explain that clearly enough.

It is tough, because at the same time you don’t want to be an enabler right?!

I totally relate. Sharing what I did might not be right for you, I just hope it helps. You know your situation better than anyone, only you can know what’s best. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with all this. You have helped me too actually, thank you for your honesty and opinions, sharing the past few months has really helped me get perspective. I can only tell my friends so much, you know, so no I don’t have them supporting me. Not because they’re judgey, but because they’d only worry if I tell them too much. Also, I don’t like them to think bad of him, he’s my partner. I do have help from my bfs sister. Not so much directly, she doesn’t live close, but she and my bf speak often and she and I get along well, we both want him to be healthy and happy, so although we don’t talk about things, I know I’m not the only one trying to help him build a good life.

Does your bf have any cousins or other family he can connect with?

My bf had a difficult relationship with his dad too. As a kid he was beaten regularly, he also lived in care for a while, he had it rough for sure. He and his dad hadn’t spoken in years until recently. Yes his dad did some really horrid stuff to him as a kid, but his dad’s a frail old man now, my bf has finally got past the anger. That’s helped improve his general well-being for sure, helped the habit subside.

It’s such a complex thing. There’s no one solution to addiction, just ways to manage it and work on what may have contributed to starting it/making it worse in the background. I know for sure that if I leave my bf he’d go mega downhill, I don’t want that to happen, I don’t have to stay, it may not seem it, but my life is better for having him in it and that’s what keeps us going.

Here for you, thanks for your kindness also xxx

[coco1212]

Yes you are explaining well I’ve been on nights so probably that’s why I didn’t understand at first.

Your exactly right I don’t want to be enabler. It’s so hard he took my car again today he said he’d be a matter of minutes it was hours again I tried not to lose my cool and I succeeded until later on when we went to pick up his meds and he left me 2 miles knowing I have work tonight it had 54 mile left so I was fuming. And went a rant about how selfish he is. I knew I lost the battle he did his silent battered puppy look. No apology no nothing which just infuriates me more.

He doesn’t have anyone yet his family is huge.

That’s really good that he can speak to his dad after that. That proves there is still decent person there. If you know what I mean. People make assumptions that all drug users are horrible or bad but the drugs take them down a horrendous path but somewhere in there is still the nice person. They aren’t bad people they’ve made a decision that cost them a lot.

One thing I’d like him to stop and think about but God knows when it’ll happen is to ask calmly what have you gained from this habit what is the good things it’s brought to you ? And now the bad, what has this habit cost you not in money but what have you lost by having this habit ?

That is what I really want to know. I want to know what amazing things these drugs has done for him.

Like you I know if I wasn’t around disaster would strike. But at the moment I’m failing to see how much worse it could get. Maybe because I’m working with very little sleep I feel this way.

I really can’t live another year like this.

I’m glad I’ve been able to help/support you although I’m sure how I have.

Stay safe and take care of yourself always here if you need to chat I dont know what would of happened to me without you honestly. X

[liberty]

I Coco1212, my bf says he’d rather be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. God it’s infuriating hearing that he lied to you about taking the car, weather he planned to use it for so long or not. I wonder if he only brought it back because he was running out of petrol, didn’t have money to buy more, but knew he needed to get it home. At least he had the respect to actually bring it home so you could get to work. What happened to his own car?

I bet most convicted criminals would claim they’re good people, I don’t think anyone is completely good, I know I’m not a saint, but I have enough balance and self control to make what I consider to be wise and non-transgressive decisions. My bf has been a very bad guy, he’s made too many poor lifestyle choices which have impacted his life and the lives of others. Does he deserve goodness and kindness from others, some may say not, but I believe that everyone does. But the day that my bf makes me regret the care and love I give him, will be the day I want him out of my life. He’s done one very scummy thing that I nearly didn’t forgive him for. I gave him a second chance, I won’t give him a third.

If you’ve got burning questions, maybe consider asking? I personally would. In the early days, like I said, well probably always actually, when my bf is high I’ve asked him all sorts and he’s usually so buzzed that he answers anything. I wouldn’t be prepared for a proper conversation, but if you’re not aggressive, or threatening, if you keep any questions simple, and you’re tactful about how you word it, you know, no spite, I bet he’d listen. Maybe just ask him how he feels the treatment is going one month in or something? That’s a valid question. Best of luck if you do.

This may sound strange, but how are his teeth?

Xxx

[coco1212]

He probably did only bring it back because he had no choice. He claims he never used as much as I’m saying and normally I’d agree but I saw it with my own eyes and just so happened to take note of it that very day.

His car was siezed by the police got pulled over one too many times for being under the influence of drugs.

He hates the truth, he can’t stand hearing it because he knows it’s all wrong. But instead of admitting things or facing up to things he’ll shut down, go completely silent and not speak he’ll just have a look on his face that I use to fall for but now it gets me angry. I hate that he tries to play the victim. He betrayed me, he betrayed our children and yet he wants to be the victim.

See when he does it, he keeps out of the way so I’ve never actually seen him high as such.

He’s never been much of a talker especially when he’s in the wrong. So i guess I’ll never get answers.

I bet I sound so weak and pathetic to you.

You seem so strong and know what’s going on. Me, i feel I’m always in the dark. He’ll do well for days then be an absolute selfish so In so. It sort of leads you into a false sense of security only to snatched away in a second. If that makes sense.

His teeth seem ok. He hates the dentist (not that you can go now anyway) but they could do with a professional clean.

X

[liberty]

Coco, you are far from pathetic, juggling all this, working through covid and raising kids… perspective girl, you’re incredible!

I think you should try not to let him make you angry, it doesn’t do any good for you or him. If you need to, just walk away, go to the bathroom for 3 mins. I do that sometimes, its a lifesaver. Maybe give it a try.

I’m not sure if you’ve found this, but I find I get angry at suspecting my boyfriend is hiding something or glossing over the truth, but I get even more mad when he admits to it. I actually hate being right now, and we’ve lived through so many examples of this, that I just now assume I’m always 80-100% correct and move on. Being right gets us nowhere, me and my boyfriend I mean. I get the satisfaction of being right, the satisfaction of him admitting he was wrong, maybe a flimsy apology, but what does that solve? Does it make him change his behaviour. No, because addiction is more complex than that. I wish it were as easy as trying to discipline a child, but it’s not. Most of the time me being right just makes him more angry and he’ll just gloss it over even more or completely fall off the planet and ignore me. Crack always wins. Until your boyfriend actually decides not to use drugs anymore, irrespective of his motivation, it’s something only he can do himself. Until then, the drugs will win.

For me, I’ve actually now reached a point where I can’t pull him up on it anymore, we both know I’m right, we both know crack always wins over me. I’ve chosen not to chase an apology or the satisfaction that he confirms I’m right anymore. I just don’t even go there now, but what I do do is not immediately think the worst.. I.e… I’ll assume I’m right, by about 80% severity. And I don’t think about it anymore. The more I think about his actions and consider what the truth actually is, the worse off he is in my mind haha… I do tend to over think things and that leads me to thinking the absolute worst. (I hope this is making sense). Basically, I don’t waste my brain power on questioning his poor lifestyle choices. His addiction had less power over him than ever, i don’t think my chance in attitude in this way is solely responsible for that, but I’m sure it’s helped.

I do encourage you to give your bf the benefit of the doubt, if he says his use is lower than before, it probably is, but depends what low is to him!

And I absolutely don’t have it together, far from it. I’ve been living this longer, that’s all. And my life could be considered a train wreck. I was married before I met my bf, i am still married actually. I didn’t leave my husband for my boyfriend, I didn’t know him then, i left my husband because I realised I wanted children, but didn’t want them with him, I had the life, but not the man. My boyfriend was everything my husband wasn’t, but he’s an addict. I only really accepted it so quickly, I didn’t realise the extent of his addiction at first, but I accepted it so I wouldn’t go back to my husband. I couldn’t take another break up, but I also didn’t want to give up on him. I believed, and I still do, that if the crack wasn’t there, life would be everything ive always wanted it to be. Likely I’m just delusional, all this time I’ve been waiting, hoping, praying. Should I have gone back to my husband, should I have left my crack addict boyfriend, could I have found more happiness elsewhere, who knows. I don’t regret anything I’ve done, currently. At least I don’t think I do, but will I?! Only time will tell.

I hope that doesn’t make me sound like too much of loser haha!

Night Coco, be kind to yourself, you’re amazing! Xxxx

[liberty]

I realise that was all very heavy for a Sunday, hope I haven’t said too much. X

[coco1212]

Your so right being angry doesn’t do anything. Nothing does.

That’s 100% me I get angry when he ignores and get even more angry when he admits what I already know.

It makes total sense I do this too my mind goes on overtime. I always think the worst and get stressed and worked up about it and that’s when my anxiety kicks in.

That’s the thing I don’t know what’s or low for him. And that drives me crazy.

You don’t sound like a loser but I do think you’ll look back and regret some things. You said you wanted children but your husband didn’t, I’m assuming you still don’t have any children. If that is the case you may look back and regret that neither your husband or boyfriend could give you that.

It’s heavy but true. I know I have to stop some of the things I do but I just don’t know how.

[liberty]

Coco, it’s taken years of trial and error for me to get where I am now, don’t be so hard on yourself, one little battle at a time and I’m sure you have more control than you think.

My husband did want kids, I decided I do, just not with him. He was very manipulative and controlling you see. All water under the bridge now.

Xx

[coco1212]

I wish I did have control, I wish we both did had enough that we could stop them being this way.

You made a good decision not to have children with your husband if that is the way he was. He may of only got worse.

With my last pregnancy it came as a shock there was a fairly large gap between them and I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it again. He did, so we decided to go ahead little did I know that just before I gave birth he would start this horrendous habit. Im glad I’ve had my baby but if knew what would have happened I’m not sure i would of. I fell pregnant again after but obviously knowing what he was I didn’t carry on I live with that guilt all the time. Him on the other hand hasn’t gave it a second thought.

Hope your OK xx

[liberty]

Oh Coco, that’s heartbreaking. You can’t live by what if. Ive fallen with my bf, but never gone full term, for whatever reason it wasn’t meant to be. I’m certain my bfs habit may be partially if not solely responsible. You made a very brave decision and I encourage you to try and forgive yourself for that. I’m sure you gave it every consideration at the time, I’m sure you did what you decided was best for everyone. Don’t now question your ability to make decisions, I’m sure you’re very level headed, you wouldn’t be able to deal with all this chaos otherwise. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but a scientific study of the bodies of addicts found that the substance they use is found at a cellular level in every single part of their body, including sperm. I’m not sure how viable this is, but that’s what I’ve blamed what happened to me on. As though the delicate biological balance of life just wasn’t right, sorry to get all whimsical, but you know what I mean.

How’s he been this week, how are you doing? My bf has been quiet again, disappearing every night, just like usual. I’m not asking if he’s doing crack again everyday, but he’s got the attitude to suggest he is and he’s been to see his son again a few times this week, which says it all. So close, still so far!

I don’t know about you, but while we’re in this covid world I feel like I’m/we’re just treading water, not really coming or going. Can’t wait for this all to be over, hoping for better times when we all have more to be positive about.

Although saying that, I got a little unexpected bonus from work this week, booked myself in to have my nails done and a hair cut next week, which I’m in real need of. Amazing how long we exist forgetting to look after ourselves!

Coco, reminding you to, if you get the chance, remember to look after yourself xxx

Xxx

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

I know deep down i made the right decision but it’s never going to leave me. The baby would of due near his birthday, which Is also two of the anniversaries of his grandparents deaths. So dreading when that comes up.

To be honest he hasn’t been to bad, he hasn’t used at all today. I don’t know If that means he’ll pay for it tomorrow. He said he felt sick earlier but he went to bed and slept for a good 5 hours.

I’m sorry it seems your bf has not had it good this week. It’s a none stop roller coaster.

But on a positive well done for getting a bonus it’ll be a well deserved pick me up. X

[liberty]

Coco, he’s sabotaged me. He brought up in conversation me calling him a scummy crack addict earlier this year, forced me to admit if I thought that was true. Which lets face it, sometimes he is one and that’s what I said. He’s basically sabotaged me into telling him he’s a failure, now he can say f the world, f her, and just get on it again. I’ve told him this time, I’m not going to fight it. If he wants to try and think, me, the person on this earth who cares more for him than anyone, believes he’s a failure, he’s got another think coming. I’ve told him not to ask for an apology.

This all started because we were talking about goals, things we each want to achieve. He doesn’t acknowledge his goals because he’s scared to be labelled a failure. Instead he said his only goal is to wake up every day. Which it isn’t, he’s trying to gain weight and get driving again, he knows I fully support that.

I hope he doesn’t self destruct now, but what can I do?!

Forcing myself to just leave him now, hoping he’ll come to his senses!

X

[liberty]

Coco1212, a 5hr sleep, that’s good. I hope that did him some good, glad this week hasn’t been too bad, long may that steadily continue. 🙂

It sounds like there’s been so many unpleasant things happen for you all in a very short space of time, and I understand what you mean. The first year after any major life event like the ones you’ve gone through are bound to be something to fear, but it will pass. You’ll get there xxx

My bf has been good during lockdown generally, but he’s struggling more as the weeks pass, he asked me to lend him money today. Of course I said no, told him I don’t want him getting the taste for it again and all that. I only see negatives. He knows not to ask me for crack money, so I think this means he’s getting desperate for it. I just hope it’ll pass.

Do you celebrate Christmas? Oddly I’ve always struggled with it, but i don’t feel the pressure this year. It’s like it doesn’t matter what happens, I don’t have to please loads of people for once! Xx

[coco1212]

Hey liberty

Don’t play to his tune he did that to justify going out and doing what he wants to do. It’s basically emotional blackmail.

He’s done the same to me this morning been good for 2 days then making out he’s doing something he’s taken my car again and the best bit with the very person who got him on it in the first place.

I’m furious right now.

I hope your OK and he does come to his senses but let’s be honest I think this is how their always going to be now.

Wish I could be more positive but we know the drill. X

[liberty]

How and why would he even see the guy who got him on it in the first place if he’s genuinely trying to stop! Does he know that you know who that guy is? Is there any way you can stop him driving your car? Urgh, I really don’t know what the solution is. Are you ok? Really hoping he just went for a drive and came back again xxx

All day I hear nothing from him, I expect he was asleep, he rang me this evening just to tell me he was not alright and why would I blah blah, he said he’s not in a good way, called me lots of things, including dumb and some pretty low stuff. I’m not going to fight it. I know who I am and who I’m not. In his right mind he does know why I’m with him and he has enough around him to be reminded of that.

I’m wondering if I should ask his sister to ring him, tell her he’s been a bit up and down, but I worry he’ll tell me off for letting her know he’s not in the best frame of mind. And he isn’t right now, he’s totally not and other than speak to his sister I’m not sure what else I can do?! X

[coco1212]

If you think ringing his sister is for the best do it.

He went to get some car parts, he’s been fixing their car all day only problem he lost track of time and missed the chemist so he has no medication til Monday total nightmare god knows what will happen now. Well we definitely know what will happen.

I was doing good until he told me that.

[liberty]

I have to say, that’s not what I expected, sounds like he made an effort. Ok, so he’s missed it for the weekend. That’s two days, if he can’t get it elsewhere, I’m hoping you’ll have a chilled weekend and that he’ll bare the cravings, keep a cool head. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you xx

Things got worse here, he’s been quite nasty, saying things about my behaviour and body (I’ve gained weight on lockdown not swimming, not doing my classes etc, who hasn’t big deal!), and when I say I can’t fight it anymore, I literally can’t. It just makes me feel now I don’t care if you don’t support me, I don’t care if you want to be crewel, this is all in your mind, it’s not a reflection of my behaviour or who I am. It doesn’t bother me anymore, I have no more to argue back.

I decided not to call his sister, I figured what’s the worst that can happen! He’ll get on it, maybe he’ll go out try steel some stuff to do more and end up in a cell – always a possibility when he’s really chasing the buzz. And I thought, if that’s the silly choice he wants to make, that’s down to him.

This morning he apologised, but I just can’t be bothered to talk to him. For the first time in forever, I just want some space and being with my mum during covid, coincidentally, I have that. What do I do from here?! Just going to go with what I feel, and right now, it could go either way. It’s a bit disappointing really, to say the least.

Xxx

[coco1212]

Unfortunately he went and got some yesterday but I knew it would happen. But he’s been ok.

Try not to take any notice he’s trying to hurt you to justify himself that’s what I’ve learnt from him. He makes excuses and tries putting the blame on me for things so he can justify himself.

You are good person and you know you are. To deal with all that you have and still keep being there for him and supporting him.

I wish I had the answers for you I really do. I think your doing the right thing just step back and take some time for yourself. I must admit you do sound different now from when we first spoke. I think he may be pushing you too far. Which I can guarantee he’ll regret but it maybe the making of you, but only time will tell and whatever you decide I’ll be here if you need to talk.

Take care of yourself xx

[liberty]

Thank you Coco! Xxx

Glad to hear he wasn’t too bad. How have you been finding everything, do you feel you’ve got more control?

He apologised a couple of times on text, which I ignored. He said he didn’t like knowing he’d made me feel horrible. He continued to call me, I sat and watched it ring thinking I have nothing to say. Then, out of the blue his sister text me to ask me how I was keeping – this literally never happens. He said he didn’t know she did that, I’m not sure I believe him. In the evening I felt I wanted to talk it through, let him know how he’d made me feel. He apologised and was his usual sensible and intelligent self, so the anger subsided.

I do still have more doubts about him than I’ve had in a long time. How often do we regret cutting someone out of our lives? Especially if there’s a certain amount of vulnerability to their situation. Especially when they’re such a big part our lives?!

How did you do it? How did you split from your bf? I know he’s still clearly in your life, but how and why, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you tell him it was over and do you regret it? Xxx

[coco1212]

The thing with us was so different to your situation liberty. Basically I had, had my suspicions of drug use and knew if I asked him out right he would lie so while he was sleeping I went looking for evidence and I found it. I confronted him and of course a lie came out. I think it was a day or two later that I noticed things (Christmas gifts) were going missing, he was acting suspicious so again I went looking not sure what for and in a draw I found a gift. I hit the roof and told him to leave and never come back which he did without complaint. He tried to explain or anything he just left. Then a day or two later I heard his car in night, he tried to hide it and sneak down to the house out of sight but I’d already clocked him when he got close enough and I knew I’d be quick enough to confront him before he ran off like child I demanded the key back. And again he gave it up without complaint.

I didn’t see him for a few weeks after that. He then got in contact with our eldest child he saw them few times and I said because of the children he could stay Xmas eve to see the kids in the morning but then he would leave, he agreed but he never showed he blanked them to take that all Christmas and new year even his family abandoned them. He got back in contact without explanation a few weeks later but seeing for minutes and at a time which made me angry. Then his birthday came I knew it was a difficult time due to grandparents deaths being at this time also. I said come round we’ll have a take away and that so your not alone again he agreed. But on the day his dealer took him to a fancy restaurant buying him champagne which he doesn’t like and cocktails which he always claimed was girly so would never have one with me. Anyway to cut long story short thats how it was until October when he was attacked he dipped in and out.

It’s hard, really hard when you have feelings for someone and they can’t/ won’t help themselves.

He was doing so well but Sunday was relapse day and today he’s had money so we’ve not seen him and tomorrow he gets money so once that’s gone again he’ll be selfish.

Today I’ve told him stop saying to people I’m your girlfriend, I’m not, I stopped being that when you decided to take these drugs. He never responded.

I’m slowly becoming like you detaching myself as best I can. But I’m still not very good at it. I dont regret it but it is hard.

Do you think he called his sister ?

You have to ask yourself how long have I got to keep putting myself last for ? I’ve got to ask myself the same thing.

How long have we got to put up with all their crap before our feelings are acknowledged?

I think deep down we both know the answer to that. But it’s the hope we hold on to that tells us to keep trying.

I don’t feel in control. I don’t think I ever will be with this.

I’m going to try to have a conversation with him tomorrow if I can keep my anger in check. X

[liberty]

Coco, where does it end?! I wish I knew for both of us. I feel for you and your children, what must be going through their minds when those things are happening. Have they been close to their grandparents before? My grandmother had some life-long issues with her mental health. She’d watched her parents divorce and then nursed her mother through cancer to her death and never quite got over all that. I do also think she regretted not marrying a man she was engaged before she married my grandad, but that aside, she wasn’t of stable mind. She died a long time ago, but for the last 10 years of her life she wasted away in a care home for the mentally ill, her body as fit as an ox, her mind full of anger and fear. It was in these last years that it all became apparent that prior to this, after my grandad died and when she lived alone, she’d turned the rest of the family against my dad and my mum. She’d told so many lies about them Ill-treating her, so as to appear the victim, and they believed it all. For years. Until at the end of her life, they saw for themselves what she was like. Sadly my dad died before any of this was realised, his brother, who had distanced himself for years said how he’d regretted doing so. It was all down to my grandmother’s untruths. I hope your boyfriend hasn’t spoken Ill of you or his children in an attempt to mask his addiction, you can’t react to it if he has. Allowing him to change the views of his parents isn’t a reflection on you or them, it’s a reflection of the vulnerability created by his addiction.

I ordered my bf some food this evening, he’s literally down to nothing apparently, which I do believe. Then he disappeared. Again. It was enough to make all the thoughts of the last few days come back, so I started to question why I helped him out with food, why did I take pity on him after he’d been so nasty to me. I was so angry at myself, and tried to reach him, I couldn’t and that only made it worse. He was ‘online’ while I sent the messages, but just didn’t read them. Then, he claimed he’d been out and left his phone at home! A blatant lie. Well as you can imagine, this really pissed me off. I told him I can’t trust him, he’s a liar, has no respect for me. We’ve left it there and now I’m trying to understand why I got so angry, am i sabotaging our relationship? Am I clutching at reasons to walk away. I am again asking “does he even care” – but this time do I want to tell myself yes, or do I want to do enough to make myself think that he doesn’t, so I can walk away.

If he’d cheated it would be easier, but he hasn’t, I’m second to crack instead.

The sadness is, there’s a lot about my life that my mum and my friends don’t know. Ive never introduced my boyfriend to anyone except one friend, once. We’ve led very separate lives from the perspective of my family. If I’m honest, I tried once to introduce my mum to him very early on, but she got really upset about the type of man she perceived him to be. I didn’t even give her the bad bits! She doesn’t even know about the drugs, but if she met him, she’d see from his appearance (his teeth) what he does.

I feel terrible because, firstly, I’m trying to protect my mum and my friends from worrying about me, and secondly Ive been trying to protect him from them, from feeling he’s no good. In a way also, shamefully, I am the sweetheart of the family, and I do and don’t like that, because deep down I’m not a sweetheart. All this time I’ve lived with a huge secret and shame of loving this man who is an addict, but who makes me happy, the drugs aside. It may not be exactly what I thought I wanted for my life, but I tried living what I thought I wanted with the picture-perfect house, marriage and lifestyle, and even though I thought I’d chosen well, my husband turned out to be controlling, manipulative and have the emotional capacity of a 10yr old. Of course, it was only a matter of time before someone charming came along, paid me lots of attention and led me into an affair – another secret I’ve never shared with my family. That was my ‘brief encounter’ romance, sadly I’ve regretted it since. (He wasn’t my boyfriend, I met him after all that happened.)

The burden of these things I think is finally taking its toll.

I am happy with my boyfriend, for the most part, even if it isn’t ideal. He’s, for the most part, happy with me. Like I said, I’ve become a part of his family, even if he hasn’t become part of mine. It all works, to a degree.

I’m at a crossroads, totally. If it weren’t for the drugs, I genuinely do think everything would be beyond great, but the addiction still looms over him, me and our lives together as a result. I honestly don’t know what’s for the best anymore.

Xxx

[coco1212]

Oh liberty for a moment there i felt like it was me who wrote your post. When does it end ? If I only I knew.

He has spoken badly of me to alot of people, quite a few of told me that and that was before and during his addiction. He’s never been one for always telling the truth. And it’s become worse with this.

Yes my children were very close to their grandparents but they’ve made no effort in over a year to see them. No cards or anything for Christmas or birthdays. Not even a text despite having their numbers.

I too ordered him some food but he never came in for it that filth was far more important. Everytime I think we’re turning a corner does he throw it back in my face.

He also does that to me i can see he’s online but he deliberately ignores my messages. Then will make an excuse as to why he didn’t reply.

I don’t believe you are sabotaging your relationship and I think you know that. He is doing that.

This is just my opinion and I hope I don’t upset but I do think your clutching at straws but it’s to stay in your relationship not to leave it.

What is he doing to save your relationship?

Again I’ve said the same if he had cheated it would of been so much easier than this. But I also wonder that while under the influence has he done something too. I read on some else’s post that she believed her bf sold himself to get his fix.

You’ve kept your relationship separate to everything else because you know no one is going to approve of him, it’s not like you can say he’s a recovering addict.

My family have never liked my ex even before all this he’s done some chappy things in past and I always forgave him and moved on but they never did.

I think your your right the burden does become too much to bare especially when the person your doing this for doesn’t do the same for you.

To be honest it sounds like we are in similar boats I can’t deal with everytime he has money he blows the progress he’s made.

To me all this tells me is this poison is far more important then his children and if his children doesn’t come first he has to be alone and just be happy with crap he’s chosen to put in himself. Xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, thank you, you’re totally right – “ What is he doing to save your relationship?” – exactly! What is he doing?! My bf and I talked about what happened, we were both calm and rational. We’re similar in the way we feel and perceive things, he knew exactly how much he’d hurt me, he talked it through from his view, then let me explain in depth, and he acknowledged what I’d said, said sorry, we’ve moved on.

Do you know what I’ve realised also though, and I’m not sure if you find this too, I’m also shocked I’ve never really reached this point before, but for my boyfriend I often go beyond my own moral and financial boundaries, just to protect him or make him happy. I told him this much.

I’ve also done a lot of reading of other people’s circumstances lately too, it’s terrifying isn’t it. Off the back of that, I’ve asked him something I’ve never really asked in a direct way before. I said “what will it take to make you stop?” Such a simple question. Because at some point sooner or later, and I feel, with how he is these days sadly it’ll be sooner, I believe there could be some really real detrimental consequences of his addiction to his health and/or life. I don’t think I’m the only one to see it either. A girl his son knows (not close, but grew up with) died of an accidental overdose recently. I think it really scared his son, because he told my bf that he really needs to call it all a day. He hasn’t, but oddly out of the blue my bf asked me if someone would know they’re dying. I had no idea what to say, it made it feel extremely worried, but I ignored it and changed the conversation. What could I say?! Yesterday he was calling me asking for some money so he can get on it again. Obviously I declined, as I always do. I don’t know where he got the money from, but I haven’t heard from him today which means he’s on it.

It’s all becoming so so tragic. You’re right also, I don’t want to end the relationship. If I walked away and something happened to him, I could never forgive myself.

Coco, have you seen the post about help, I’m sure that applies to both of us. Xxx

Hope you’re keeping safe and well xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Liberty,

So sorry to read your post and hear how you are really confused about how to go on dealing with your partner’s addiction.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We provide support for people going through what you are. If you get in touch I can put you in contact with one of our trained and experienced people. Talking to them might be helpful and they will also let you know what other support is available for you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[ygzr]

Hi there Liberty,

I am new here and slightly ashamed it had to come to posting about a problem in my marriage.

I am just here to support you and listen to your story.

From what I can read I think he DOES love you but as you are the rock in his tumbling waters he’s taking it out on you to manipulate as addiction does to people’s mind.

Addicts are great manipulative people and when it suits them they will talk to you the way they know you would like to be talked to.

My husband is a cocaine addict.

He has a massive hole in his septum and teeth are starting to fall out but it still isn’t enough for him.

On top of this I work in a hospital but I can not find anyone to talk to as I’m so ashamed. My husband think there is no problem and says I am the one making it into one.

I have been married for 7 years and and at a crossroad whether I should stay or go tbh. In two years I’ll be 50 and he is now 54. I can’t see us getting old together this way.

When I met him I knew he was an occasional cocaine user. Or so I thought.

But nothing to the extent I found out later. Taking cocaine daily until there is no other option to beg for money and manipulate me into giving him money.

I think I am an enabler as I am trying not to think about his addiction too much but in the meantime thinking about it all the time. I’m sweeping it under the carpet to not feel the constant pain and disappointing devastation marriage has become.

Your boyfriend seems like he wants to hurt himself and you first before the situation and your crossroad does that to him.

Its manipulation. Why say you don’t feel you’re in a relationship and say to someone you have been with a long time you hate them. I think he’s ignoring again his pain the what ifs. What if you leave him, what if you told him you had enough of him etc.

I just see it as pure manipulation to hurt someone before the situation can hurt him.

I hope you will find a way to cope, COVID makes it feel more isolated and lonely.

I’m struggling at this moment myself and have not really the best answers for anyone else except honest thoughts and ideas but i could very well be wrong.

Addiction makes us vulnerable too and can give us a cloudy mind.

You just don’t know what to think anymore.

I wish there was a magic pill or some sort of medication to keep addiction away from people. There must be a cure somewhere.

Big hugs

Xxx

[liberty]

YGZR, thank you for posting. You mustn’t feel ashamed, I’m grateful for you to offer your support, I think, in reality, I’ve got a solid grip on things in my own mind, if anything, sharing my experience here has just helped me bring to light what I already knew. But for me, and I don’t know if you’ve read back this entire thread, and I feel it’s not just me, but for me, this moment in has become really pivotal. I’m not sure if it’s a consequence of Covid, and I suspect that is partly to blame, but now is absolutely the time to be connected with people. That’s the other thing I’ve tried to do here.

It’s my belief that addiction is such an underground problem, it impacts so many people and the suffering and battles fort lost and won are all, to a degree, hidden. I too believe there is a solution, not in the form of a magic pill, but perhaps raising awareness is somehow on the right track to finding it. Personally I think unless production of these illegal substances can be completely stopped at source, the problem of addiction will always exist and will just be something to be managed.

I definitely can relate to your situation and if I can, although I’m not too well placed to do this, I’m not a professional by any means, but I’ll try my best to support you also by sharing my experiences. You are not alone and I think you’re so brave to reach out.

Just curious, and you don’t have to answer this, but is your husband a drinker in my experience, coke and alcohol go hand-in-hand. Just wondering if that’s the case for you.

Sending care and support xx

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

I so glad to hear from you, I thought I may have put too much on you.

I’m glad you managed to talk things through.

And yes I do try to protect him. And also yes it is terrifying, sometimes I don’t know if reading about others helps or just sends my mind into overtime. I think both depending on how I’m feeling.

Do you think a part of him wants to stop it’s just too hard to ?

It’s heartbreaking that he asked that question, I’m at that moment you felt your world crumble too.

This habit is tragic for everyone involved. The grip it has on them. I actually don’t understand what the buzz is, do you ? Is there a buzz or is it just a case of need ?

To be completely honest with you, I’m the same I couldn’t/ wouldn’t forgive myself if I walked away and something happened to him.

If only we woke up one day and this nightmare was over for us all them especially.

I did see the post, are you going to contact them ?

[liberty]

Coco1212, thank you for thinking of me and don’t worry, nothing you can say is too heavy, we’ve all been dealing with this for so long, the truth doesn’t hurt so much anymore and I appreciate honesty! I just appreciate your support. How have you been?

I was ready to walk away, he reeled me back in only to just ignore me like I don’t exist. It’s punishing. We even went looked at a new flat together, now I regret letting my guard down again and I wish we hadn’t.

I’m still undecided about reaching out beyond this site, but I’ll keep you posted. How about you?

Xxx

[coco1212]

Ygzr

Don’t ever feel ashamed. On this forum everyone is pretty much in the same boat, so please don’t feel ashamed. The only person/ people who should feel ashamed is the people profiting from the addictions people have.

[peartree-girl]

Hi guys sorry for what you are all going through i am going through a similar thing. My husband is an addict and has been using crack for 7 years of our marriage. Its driven me insane all the lies deceit we have tried everything for him to stop. I have separated from him on 3 occasions foolishly taking him back with promises of change. The final straw was a rehab where he went recently and 6 weeks after rehab has relapsed. He doesn’t use every day he has binges which will go on a few days and cost 1000s of pounds. I work 2 jobs to pay all the bills as he won’t contribute in any way to the home. I refuse to lend him money etc now as its never repaid. Anyway after last weekend I told him not to come back. I then had a call early on the Monday morning crying threatening suicide obviously on a come down and realisation sinking in. His mum who thinks her son is now my problem kindly sent her son back to my home. I honestly feel now that he won’t change there is no love anymore and ive become more like his mother than his wife. I am going to join coda for codependency as I feel thats what I have become through being with him. I spend my life worrying and trying to stop his drug use. I’m so different from him have a good job a lovely family and I dont want to be with him anymore. Whenever I ask him to leave he gets angry and says he’s not going anywhere. Its taken its toll over me over the years and I now feel its time to make myself better as his illness has caused me to feel ill.

[liberty]

PeartreeGirl, I can empathise with you in different ways. The addiction is an emotional and financial burden, I feel that too, I used to work 2 jobs (7days a week pre covid). I don’t enable my bf directly, but I feed him and keep him. It is hard, where’s the mutually beneficial relationship here?! In my case there isn’t. We’ve come close to it, with covid we’re further than ever. In the feeling trapped in the marriage situation, I can definitely relate. The two situations don’t overlap for me, but I did walk away from a picture perfect life and marriage with a manipulative controlling liar who has the emotional intelligence of a 10yr old. – all of this was proven in counselling btw. Irrespective of the drug use, if your marriage isn’t working, you have the right to address that properly. It took for me to leave the marital home completely before my husband finally accepted the situation and agreed to attend counselling. I didn’t leave so as to force his hand, his lies literally got to the point where I couldn’t go home, I couldn’t pretend to everyone that all was fine anymore, but it was the catalyst for us to address the situation fully together. Are you taking any steps to secure your future if you do decide to leave the marriage? If not, it might be worth considering. I’d also really strongly recommend some counselling if you can get it, if you get a good one, it’s incredible. All may not be lost and in marriage terms I always think we are obligated to try, and to give the other person the chance to try, it does all sound very one sided in your case, what is he doing to improve the marriage? The decision to leave my marriage is still something I question sometimes now, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, it did and still does (to a degree) carry such emotional, circumstantial and financial burden, but we are not obligated to stay if it just isn’t and cannot work.

Sending you care and support, and reassuring you that you’re not alone. Xxxx

[coco1212]

Peartree girl

Again I hear some of what your seeing in myself. The one thing I am envious of you and liberty is that your men in your lives talk to you. He never speaks to me, lies yes all the time but be honest NEVER. I give him the benefit of doubt god knows why he always let’s me down. The other night I let myself down. He was doing well and I made a very stupid mistake. He too ‘borrows’ money and it never gets repaid. He has been on crack for about 21 months and just few weeks ago I found out heroin was part of the problem no clue how long he used that for. I been told by a professional that often the 2 go hand in hand. I didn’t know that. And it doesn’t make me feel better. He’s been on methadone for just over a month and at the weekend he went to the chemist 10 minutes before closing and they refused to give it him so of course he used and yesterday he didn’t get it again. He had money yesterday so I think it was deliberate.

I am the same as you in the sense I worry all the time when I’m not with or he’s not in sight. My mind does overtime I automatically believe he’s scoring or something he shouldn’t be.

My life has been turned upside down for the past year that’s when I found out about the crack a year ago.

I really can’t carrying on for another or more like this.

Is he on the mortgage/tenancy? If not it’s easier to get him to leave.

His parents are also the same no longer their problem. Yet I have children to think about which they’ve decided to ignore.

I wish there was no love left, I feel like it would be easier.

I wish someone could give is the answers as to what to do.

It’s so exhausting having an addict in your life isn’t it ?

Why can’t they see the damage they cause ?

The damage the drugs cause ?

The damage the people who sell it to them cause ?

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

At this very moment I’m in a bit of panic yesterday he said he was going to the shop at 2.40 and he’s not come back yet. I’m really worried. He goes for hours but not like this he always comes back.

I too don’t know although I am in touch with other agencies but I dont feel like they help.

Don’t beat yourself up about getting reeled in, it happened to me to this week and I regret it now massively

[liberty]

Coco1212, did he come back? I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry. We both know where he’s likely gone, I expect he won’t confirm or deny either way. Mine doesn’t, I’ve backed off totally again now, given him his space, given myself some space and feel miles better for the distance and I feel I’m better off for escaping the drama of my texts and confronting him.

Hope you’re keeping safe and well. Xx

[coco1212]

Hi liberty

Yes he came just under 24hours later claiming he wants to change and he’s sick of the life he’s leading. Well lasted all of 3 hours. He claims he stayed at a friend’s he doesn’t have friends anymore he cut them all off for his habit.i

think he’s helping someone deal. I know he doesn’t because he isn’t gone long enough unless this is about to become regular which it won’t not here.

I’m glad your feeling a bit better.

Has he tried to contact you?

I’m getting so tired of being on this roundabout now.

I asked if at any point he gave his family a second thought when he said he was going to the shop and never returned but he just looked at me.

I asked today do you think you owe me an explanation, he said what for.

No thought for anyone but himself.

Stay safe and keep being strong xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, I so relate! I’ve reached the point where I have to have an airtight counter argument if I’m going to confront my bf, of course, it doesn’t always happen like that.

And I’ve heard exactly the same myself any number of times. Totally out for days and then suddenly he’s had enough, until enough of it has left his body and the serious cravings kick in. Again! Stuck in that perpetual vicious cycle. There must be so much self hate going on.

With my bf he’s spent so long being told people were disappointed in him, anything I say to express my own feelings for betrayal or disappointment just do the exact reverse of what it would do to me. With me it would make me rethink and adjust my actions. With my bf he just hides away does what he wants but away from prying eyes of those who may possibly judge him. Including me. Oh coco, I don’t know, it’s a life isn’t it!

What did you say when he told you no more and he needs to stop doing what he’s doing? How did you respond? Xx

Ah and yes, thank you. Today after 3 days of absolutely nothing, 3 days of my calls being ignored and my texts not read, he rang and spoke for like 10 mins, big whoop. Really knows how to make a girl feel special. At least he didn’t ask for money, food or credit, which I suppose is the lamest positive and if it wasn’t all so sad I may even attempt a laugh Xxx

[unknown123]

Recently new to this! I’m in the same situation as the rest. My partner moved in with me the beginning of 2020, I didn’t have a clue about is crack addiction. I never knew much about it either. When I found something wasn’t right. I started looking and searching for information after 6 month he then told me about it.

But through the first few months everything was changing the mood, angry, emotions. There was some night I was scared to be around him.

It now been nearly a year I’ve lived like this, he will Alway say he going to stop, bin everything. Then the next day comes he doing it again. Most day I question what we are, Where I stand! That the crack is more important than our family.

Most days I sit up all night making sure he is still alive, or trying to contact him to make sure he safe but he never answer or messages back.

I’m left to do everything, and it really drains me, he doesn’t spend time with the kids, more interested in where his next fix is coming from or how he will afford it, or sleeping it if from night before to do it again.

I feel like walking away all the time but it so hard to do, he was my soul mate who I could tell everything to before we become together, my family doesn’t like the drug side and tell me to leave him but it’s earlier said than done!

[liberty]

Unknown123, welcome here, so sorry to hear what your going through, you are not alone.

Do you think his addiction is new for him or that he’s just hidden it for a long time? He could very well be like my boyfriend, high functioning.

I do believe when he says, “never again” he means it – my boyfriend does, but all changes when his physiologically his brain craves the fix again. It’s only when my bf has built it up to the point where he’s really on it solid and has then had enough that his use eases off.

How is he managing to pay for this? If you don’t mind me asking. Did he move in with you to save money?

Also. Most importantly, are you and your children safe and if you haven’t already done so have you considered calling social services? Xx

Stay safe, keep well. Sending care xxx

[coco1212]

Hi liberty

To be totally honest I didn’t respond to him. I’ve had the same again last night ive deleted the numbers, im sick of this life just rubbish.

They don’t really give you anything back do they ?

Tell me about it, it is sad but it makes me so angry I hate when people call it an illness because it isn’t this started out as a personal choice, an illness is not a choice nor is it a addiction.

Unfortunately unknown 123 the crack will always be first you’ll never be first nor will your children when it comes to crack.

I don’t sit up checking if he’s alive but I do get up alot because he’s so restless and he doesn’t give you much of a choice.

One well obviously it’s more then one we all havevin common but another thing we have is how we’re all ignored phone calls and texts, I think it’s selfish to be honest we know what their doing, they know we know so why not say I’ll be back in a few hours or days?

Why be so selfish and cruel I think.

They must see what it puts us through, I’m sure you’ve both said to them how its affects you to them, I know I have. Not that he cares it’s all about him.

I too feel like walking away but it’s far easier said then done. I feel like I’ll have no choice soon. Some of my kids are teenagers and at one time wanted him around but now their changing their minds and they come first.

[liberty]

Coco1212, I don’t think I’ve heard so much frustration and anger before in your sentences, are you ok? With your children changing their views must make it tough, what do they know about what’s going on?

I would call addiction more a dysfunction. My perception is people usually try it either because they’re bored and need to escape, or because they have regrets and dissatisfactions they wish to block out, likely there are more than these, but these are what I’ve had experience of. You’re right though, it’s a lifestyle choice, but to a point in my view. I know that only one use of crack can create a slight dependency and need to rediscover the same feeling, I’ve always guessed that only intensifies with time.

My bf is still quiet, he won’t see his dad, he isn’t calling any of the family back, he’s just doing what he wants to pass the time. It’s only been a week since I last saw him, but almost out of nowhere one of his teeth has gone totally black. I haven’t seen that of him before. Also, he has a tiny bald patch in the strangest of places, that did start over the summer, but it’s totally clear now. It makes me wonder if part of his brain has suffered so much trauma rhat it’s beginning to show in his hair. Also, his lymph nodes are up again all over his body – this has happened once before when he was totally on it. I don’t know what to think! I’m worried but in a way also not worried. Yes I care about his health, but what he does to his body is his own choice and a reflection of those poor choices, not mine xxx

[coco1212]

Your absolutely right it is a reflection on him and not you.

I’m in a very angry and fed up of the whole thing place at the moment.

I’m trying my best to help him as he says he wants to be clean but still I’m seeing nothing to prove this.

He spoke to his key worker and he sounds upbeat and determined but that isn’t how he is to me. The social worker said the same he seems determined.

So why over the last few days as he done nothing but beg for money I dont have ?

I’m so sick of it

My children most of them are old enough to know what he’s doing and they too wanted him here to get him off it but now they said he’s proper crackhead begging and not taking no for an answer.

What do I say to that ? That’s what they see now.

Now I’m beginning to wonder have I let my children down having him here ? Do I put him before them ? I like to think I don’t, I’m sure I don’t but do they see that?

How are you feeling ? I hope your OK. X

[liberty]

Coco1212, no way you have absolutely NOT yet your children down. Do the support and case worker both know how he’s begging you for money you haven’t got? Provided you don’t give him the money, if you keep saying no, provided you’re not putting yourself in any danger, surely he’ll have to stop asking at some point? If my bf says “can you help me out” and it’s clear what it’s for, I flat out say no every time and he rarely asks anymore. If he does I say no, I don’t even try and explain myself, he’s not stupid, he knows why I say no. Usually I take myself out the room, stare at him blankly and change the subject or I just hang up the phone.

Coco1212, you may think that you’re stuck in the same perpetual situation, but I know although it may seem that way, you’re not. Every month you learn something new, and time means change, either in big fast boom kind of chunks or slow teeny bits. Change is change and although I don’t know how things will change for you and for your situation, I know it will happen either way.

Is there at least any comfort in hearing what the support and case workers say, that is is determined, they must see a lot. He’s either a very good actor or they see something they’re genuinely positive about. I hope the latter xxxxx

Now that things are improving, I’ve decided to get my own place, somewhere new for me. My bf keeps talking as though he’ll be moving in. I’m finding it hard to tell him it’s my place. I’ve told him it’s to be a drug and smoke free zone. I don’t need to justify my rules to him, I’m a non smoker non drug taker, I actually gave up drinking last month (just fancied it, or rather went off it). My place, my money, my rules. If he wants to show up and contribute, that may change, although if I’m honest I’m not sure I want it to. What’s wrong with being a couple and living apart? I don’t want to upset him because I do still love my bf, but I want him to stay where he is. Maybe that will change in the future, but for now. What else can I do/say to be direct, but not dismissive. I just don’t know anymore xx

[coco1212]

I do the majority of the time say no I gave in to him a couple of times but he gave it me back yesterday.

I have no idea what he says to them if I’m honest but they seem to believe he’ll come out the other side I’ve told him he must always be honest with his drug worker because it won’t be the worst she’s heard before.

The social worker says he won’t be around for much longer as he’s happy with the way things are.

I hope this is true because although I know my children are in no danger because I won’t allow them to be, I still feel on edge with them around.

I get what your saying with your new place that’s how I want mine to be too when I find a new home.

It’s going to be hard to leave him behind but it’s his choices that have brought us here. If he hadn’t have accepted the local pond lifes here this will make you feel better we would still be together properly and not like we are now.

Why can’t they just accept help and be determined to kick the habit? Why can it not be that simple ?.

I guess for us who has never / would never we will never know. X

[liberty]

Coco1212, it does take years. Perhaps try and relax a bit more, I think hearing that the support workers have such a positive view is encouraging. It’s been what, 2 months surely there’s been progress in thar time, I just know there has.

Also, I think you’re like me in that you try and live some else’s problem so as to fix it. Offering him advice as to what to say could be seen in more ways than one. On one hand you’re a rational, sensible mind administering logical advice, but on the other he may see this as you trying to mother him. It’s such a fine line. That’s the case for my bf and I. I do have to try hard to be positive or not speak at all, but I’m a firm believer in we have to let people make their own mistakes.

What you said about emotional blackmail keeps with me, you’re so right. Apparently I’m lucky to have him as my bf, even though he’s an addict. I’m just not listening to that anymore. Not in a nasty way, but I’d like come on, get real.

Are you taking any time off for Christmas? Seems like a little break might do you the world of good xx

[coco1212]

I wish I could relax more, I just feel like all eyes are on me all the time. How can that be ? How can I constantly feel like I’m on trial yet all I’ve done is try to help things get better?

Progress has been seen, little progress but it’s progress i guess.

Yes I see what your saying i guess there is a fine line. And I think my biggest mistake is I try too hard to stop him making mistakes. I fail of course.

He tries emotional blackmail at times. He knows deep down you can do better so he tries not in maliciously but tries to make you believe you can’t. I think maybe that’s because of fear of losing you.

He wanted a fix the other day and he used his mums health to try and get money. I told him if your mum is so ill you’ll let me drop you off you dont need money. He stormed off I’ve heard nothing of his mum being ill since. I hate that addiction makes he lie about such serious things but what can you do ? X

[liberty]

Coco1212, all eyes are on you or your eyes are on you? Who’s really watching really? Are you fearful of failing with your bf, or of failing the family unit? His addiction isn’t down to your failure, it’s his and it’s down to him to acknowledge and take a stand to improve the situation, which he clearly recognises because he’s getting support.

You’re caught him out with his mum then, it infuriates my bf when I do/did that. I bet that didn’t go down well. Well done for forcing him to see the wrong, brave of you. Well done for taking a stand. Does his mum know what he was doing?

You’re so right, it’s fear of losing me. Thanks for keeping me grounded. I do know my self worth, I also know his, I remind him of all his non-drug-related qualities, but I’m not afraid to walk away.

His son has taken a stand and told him that after a lifetime of crack he’s had his fill and it’s time to slow down. He’s become really worried about losing him, he’s seen the changes in his body recently, just as I have. My bf actually listened to his son I think, although time will tell. For now, hopefully it seems he’s back in the room, back in touch with the family, me, his son, and not tucked away with some group of addicts passing time. This weekend one of his ‘mates’ gave him a joint laced with brown. He didn’t realise it at the time, but felt totally sick and unwell after. He threw up and really wasn’t right, we had plans to look at more flats, but I ended up just picking him up from his son’s and taking him home. I cooked him a massive roast chicken dinner with all the veg, gravy, and a dessert. He tidied while I cooked – the house and was a mess! His body was really achy, so I gave him a proper fuss. It was like rubbing over a horse or puppy. He just stood there hands on the ceiling while I shook out his legs, shoulders and arms. That seemed to really help. He was back to his self again within a few hours. A little win to me.

Xxxx

[coco1212]

Hi liberty

Sorry for the delay, I didn’t get the notification this time for some reason.

I feel like all eyes are on me but maybe my paranoia is getting the better of me again.

I don’t know what I’m fearful of to be honest, I feel like no matter how hard I try I get it wrong yet all I’m doing is trying to please everyone.

Good for his son.

I hate these “mates” scum of the earth doing that to someone.

Aww well done you. I hope this is your bfs turning point.

I have a big meeting tomorrow it’s probably that, that’s making me feel like I’m being watched and judged.

I just wish he’d have a bit more will power.

[liberty]

Coco1212, you do already have a lot on your plate with your bf and it sounds like you’re busy with work. Not to mention we also have Xmas next week, no wonder you’re feeling under pressure. Sending care, perhaps time is all you need on your side here. I’m sure things will get a bit calmer again soon. So much pressure on all of us at this time of year and covid is only making it worse!

Do you get any support at home with anything? I hope so,

My bf is in that frustration headspace again. He was all positive, but his intentions just got left behind and he’s just same ole same ole, a few days of some green and chilling, and that’s all forgotten.

It breaks my heart every time.

I hope your meeting goes well. Take care xx

[coco1212]

I don’t get any support because stupidly the people I thought i could rely on just turned out to be judgemental and and backstabbers.

I wish I could escape it for a while.

It really gets you down doesn’t it ?

It does me anyway they say yes I’m going to do it and be positive and then it feels like your turning your back and their doing it again.

[coco1212]

The meeting was a disaster I actually starting to wonder why I even bother getting up in a morning

[liberty]

Coco1212, What happened? Why don’t you think it went ok?

I feel the same, it really gets me down too. I’m totally being ignored now. I’ve just been offered a big piece of freelance work, which tbh I’ll struggle to do, it’ll be over Xmas and I really just want a break. But the money should be good and as my bf isn’t doing anything to maintain financial stability, I feel under pressure to accept it. I tried to talk to him about it and he said I’m being all negative and told me to stop moaning, but what he’s missing is that I don’t want to do it and really I’m only doing it to support him, or rather so I don’t have to tell him I can’t afford to spend all the money I do on food and transport.

If I tell him the only positives are that, he’ll just throw it back in my face.

It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. I just want him to say “it’s ok, I’ll not waste all my money on crack and will be able to afford to feed us so you don’t have to worry all the time” – or something along those lines. But no, that’s not going to happen. I’m giving him the best of me and leaving nothing for myself.

I get that there’s a lot to be thankful for, but there’s also ways of making life harder and it feels like that’s all we both seem to be doing. Mostly because of his addiction. When will life just be a bit easier.

Xxx

[coco1212]

Basically I went into the meeting blind because I was told wrong.

I’ve been threatened with eviction and my children going on the child protection register yet yesterday I was told by social services this would not happen not at all.

They are saying they feel like he isn’t trying or showing signs of change despite being on medication. I feel like there has been some improvement but there’s a hell of a long way to go. But a couple of hours ago he said he go to the chip shop for my youngest and himself but the money has gone and no sign of the chip shop.

So proving them right.

I feel so alone and ganged up on to be honest.

I totally get what your saying you constantly feel almost as if your their carer because they cant look after themselves because they can only think about one thing.

He never listens to he just sits there looking at me as if I’m the big bad wolf. At least your bf he occasionally gives you something back.

My life could depend on it and he still wouldn’t tell me anything.

I should really get a grip and just close the door on him because it’s clearly a one way street.

[liberty]

Oh Coco1212, I can only imagine what was going through your mind when they said that.

Did they discuss your options for next steps if your bf really doesn’t improve, surely child protection services is only a precautionary measure, because of what’s happening with your bf, just by association.

The big bad wolf! Honestly, you are not your bfs parent, he is not your child.

And where does he expect all this to go? How does he expect it to end. Where does he see himself in 5 years time!

To a degree I think some days my bf accepts that a lifelong addiction means he might not wake up tomorrow. In a way he just doesn’t seem to care. Well sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. I know he sees himself as lucky, especially as many of his addict friends either overdosed, or were killed in a drug related incident. Thinking back I don’t think I’ve ever asked him how that makes him feel and I just don’t know where he sees himself/us in 5 years. I’ll make a point of asking, when he starts talking to be again!

[coco1212]

I’ll be honest I don’t actually know what is going through my mind, I’m so angry at these supposedly supportive agencies. All they did is pick at the bad stuff and never acknowledged the small but still positives.

I was told the day before my children would not be considered to be put on child protection and I would not face eviction yet was threatened with both.

Him and I we’re not together but I still try my best with despite the crap he puts me through.

Like today he said I’ll ring my drug worker and sort out what is going on with the comments she made but I need credit so idiot me gave it him for him to run across the road and get his fix. Knowing the childre and house is at risk because of him. He did it anyway.

It’s sad that your bf has accepted that this is his life especially when it doesn’t have to be.

This is what I don’t understand why they don’t want more for themselves.

Why would they rather carry on and potentially kill themselves for a 15 minute high it makes no sense at all.

I sort of get you can’t just stop addiction but when your life is only about a fix what’s the point ?

[liberty]

Coco1212, I completely agree! I guess I know, but I just don’t know, it’s no life is it. Not a lifestyle choice if ever choose. Some days I think my bf likes the struggle and just doesn’t know any better.

If he asks for money for phone credit again, perhaps consider buying a bundle instead of giving him the credit? – the little tricks I found to call his bluff. When it comes to cash for us, with my bf it’s just a flat no.

[coco1212]

It’s most definitely a flat no now. He’s had a horrendous night and kept us all awake. He was can I have £20 this is the last time I promise. I told him hell no am I paying for drugs knowingly. I told never again will you get a penny from me. I’ll never give you cash again

I’m getting really angry with him again his lack of thinking of others is driving me insane.

[liberty]

Coco1212, well done for making a stand, but at the same time, I’m so sorry to hear it’s got to that.

What must your kids have been thinking? Are they ok?

Him wanting more like that during the night, ignoring that you and the kids all need sleep and to rest, I don’t know what to say, that’s addiction. Totally. My bf does the same when he’s gradually been increasing his intake, that’s the kind of thing that happens when he gets bad, but a few days later he’s had too much and slows right down again.

I really don’t have any advice other than to make sure you take care of yourself, be careful with your valuables and car keys I suppose, that’s what I do, not that I have much of any value, and I’m guessing you do this instinctively now anyway.

Sending care. Take care of yourself Coco xxx

[jaynhissay]

Hi Coco hi liberty

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to keep up with the forum as I haven’t had a smartphone for a number of weeks.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, how are you doing? So good to hear from you.

[jaynhissay]

I hope you are all okay I’m going to read the posts I’ve missed out on for the last few weeks.

[lindyloo]

Jaynhissay, great to hear from you! I’m sure a lot of people here will benefit from your advice and support.

The mums on the Theresa thread will be thinking of you too, as am I.

Hope all is well with you.

Lx

[coco1212]

This is my worry I’ve already had to replace Christmas presents and not cheap I’m over £600 worth. Again up all night but at least I know the end is in sight now. He has to get his own place.

I thought he was getting better up seemed to be but it proves how stupid I am.

[liberty]

Coco1212, you are not stupid. No one could ever call you that, you’re so far from stupid it’s unreal. You’ve kept your head, you’re managing what’s happening, it’s a situation beyond your control, and you’re controlling the tiny bits you can. Like the replacement Christmas presents.

Him getting his own place sounds a very sensible solution. You and your kids need a greater level of distance and protection than you have now. Having him move away from the family home is a very good idea. How can you facilitate that?

Totally behind you all the way xxx

Christmas is a difficult time for most as it is, you’ve got triple nightmare of this. It won’t be forever, life will improve. I am totally behind you.

Perhaps even a move away from the family home will do him good, finally let him see what it’s like to be away from the family unit. It could go either direction to the extreme, I suspect perhaps even both. You’ve done all you can while he’s been there with you, you’ve supported him so much, there’s honestly only so much you can do. Like I said before, people have to fix their own problems, there’s only so much the rest of us can help with. If he’s not doing that, it’s totally on him and you and the kids can’t keep suffering in this way.

[liberty]

Coco1212, the thing with life, as I keep telling my bf boyfriend, is you have to show up. My doesn’t show up often. When he does life’s fantastic. The rest of the time it’s like coasting. You can’t be penalised for others not taking part in life, that’s just making everything hard on you.

And don’t worry about the sleep thing, just rest when you can. I suffered with terrible insomnia for years, I’m recovered from it now (to a degree). I used to be so fearful of not getting enough sleep that I couldn’t fall asleep. Turned out just to be circumstantial though. When the things that sat heavy on my mind were resolved or no longer affected my life in the same way, my sleep just went back to normal. I’m back to falling asleep at the drop of a hat again (most of the time). We’re very sensitive little things our bodies. Take care of yourself as much as you can. Xxx

[coco1212]

Jaynhissay yes it is nice to hear from you.

[jaynhissay]

I’m sure you will all agree with me when I say that the battle with addiction is draining and at times demoralising. There is no escape from the internal turmoil but finding something to focus on has been crucial for change. It sounds like you have all had a testing few weeks too.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, and if you don’t mind me asking, do you feel it’s as draining for you as well as others? Do you know how others get exhausted by it? It’s exhausting for me at times, and I do suffer emotional turmoil, does my bf know how emotionally draining it is? I guess I’ll never understand the why, but I’m past caring now. I just want a good life, either together or apart.

I’ve decided to get my own place, somewhere new, it’s a lovely flat, a gorgeous area, quiet and safe with everything nearby – it can be a fresh start. I’ve told my bf I want him to make it a home, and although I’ve half accepted him for who he is, i can’t have his drugs around me.

I don’t know what’ll happen, it could go either way. It does feel like we’ve reached a point that we can’t go back, things are changing in one way or another.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, thanks, that does make sense, but what is enough of something good to be able to focus on it for change? All this time I’ve been hoping it could be me and our relationship, the promise of the really good life we can have together, but for my bf all that and relationship has just never been enough. That thing to focus on, surely it’s got to be a better version of yourself, if it’s never for other people or the better world they can share with you.

It feels like you’ve had a rough couple of weeks too, is everything settled a bit for Xmas? Will you be able to see, did you say your daughter?

Appreciate your words and honesty, hope you’re taking care of yourself. Xxx

[jaynhissay]

Yes I have had a testing few weeks and I have got my son through till Xmas Eve then he’s back again on boxing day so I’m lucky to have the chance of spending time with him over the Xmas period. I look at him and I pray that he doesn’t choose the same paths as I did as a teenager.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, your son, ok, that’s lovely. Good to hear.

Wow, that’s makes sense. You actually felt refreshed, ok. Thanks for the insight, I just cannot relate at all, not even, but I take your word for it. How does that compare to a few good nights sleep in a row? I mean is it because you were tired to begin with that, that boost let’s you think you’re refreshed, but are really just synthetically awake again? Is it like when you’ve been sick for such a long time that you forget what well feels like? (Sorry for the questions).

That’s wonderful you get to have your son, Christmas makes all the difference with a child / children around doesn’t it, I really wish you the best for every moment together. And I personally wouldn’t fear any potential poor lifestyle choices he’ll make, firstly, he’ll have your care and knowledge to take comfort in, and secondly, I expect he’s still a good few years away from being a teenager. You have all the time to build that parent/child trust and bond to reinforce your teachings when you finally get to that point. All it takes is time now, I’m sure. Did you have all of those things? (Again, don’t feel you have to answer that).

Thank you, I am looking forward to it. I have doubts though, because of fear and I just don’t know what’s right or good anymore. I think he does care about me, but does he want to take any responsibility for my happiness, it doesn’t seem that way. And I have done so much to try and keep him happy and safe and well, especially this year, when we’ve been forced apart. I know it’s really selfish, but I’m trying not to think in ‘us’ terms anymore, so as not to get all disappointed. Really sad I know.

Do you think sometimes the desire of the people around you, that them wanting you to stop adds extra pressure to the point where its overwhelming?

Sending care for Christmas xxx

[jaynhissay]

To be perfectly honest with you I would imagine it’s actually more draining for the family and friends of the addicts because the addict who is still using a substance will (in my experiences and opinion) feel almost refreshed once they have the drugs they want/need and okay I know it all starts again once they have used it all but the family and friends don’t get that feeling of the pressure being off. I really hope that makes some sense.

I’m glad to hear you’ve got yourself a lovely little flat and I hope you are going to be happy living there.

[jaynhissay]

What I meant by the feeling refreshed bit was that when I was using the feeling of being without any drugs and in the case of heroin the feeling of being in withdrawal or (rattling as it’s affectionately known) was phycologically one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced but when you have been and got what you need those feelings are all set to one side and it’s like a huge relief you feel great about everything. Of course this is an absolute load of rubbish I was at a stage where I was getting about 15 mins of a ‘buzz’ from the crack and just using the heroin to stop me from feeling ill.

As a child I had everything I wanted and needed from my parents. It was just the choices that I made that led to me living in active addiction for 14/15 years or so.

I think your partner will care about you, however the drugs will pretty much always come first until he’s at the point where the drugs are just something that used to play a huge part in his life.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, I’m just also wondering what could’ve made your addiction less severe for you? Did your parents give you any support or help in trying to overcome it?

Sending adoration, care and much luck at Christmas xx

[liberty]

Thanks Jaynhissay for your reply. That’s kind of reassuring to hear, i hope he does reach that point where the drugs can be behind him, I just don’t know if he ever will. It’s kind of you to reassure me that he does care and I think you’re right, it’s that coming second thing that gets me down.

If you grew up surrounded by everything you needed, why did your lifestyle choices lead you to being an addict? Was there a single event? Did you struggle with emotions, did you get a bit bored or was it something else. If you don’t mind me asking.

How are you doing lately? Especially with 2020 being so wretched.

Sending care xx

[liberty]

Thanks Jaynhissay for your reply. That’s kind of reassuring to hear, i hope he does reach that point where the drugs can be behind him, I just don’t know if he ever will. It’s kind of you to reassure me that he does care and I think you’re right, it’s that coming second thing that gets me down.

If you grew up surrounded by everything you needed, why did your lifestyle choices lead you to being an addict? Was there a single event? Did you struggle with emotions, did you get a bit bored or was it something else. If you don’t mind me asking.

How are you doing lately? Especially with 2020 being so wretched.

Sending care xx

[coco1212]

Jaynhissay it really does give hope reading your posts.

I hope one day my ex will have all this behind him.

Did you use methadone to come off heroin?

He’s been on it 2 months I thought some improvements were being made but his drug worker claims he doesn’t engaged properly. He’s never been much of a talker to be fair so I don’t know if that’s part of the reason she’s saying he doesn’t engage enough. He says he wants to change, he doesn’t want to be this way is what he says.

He told the drug worker that he wants to get off the heroin while still using crack and then come off crack. She said by still using crack, going to the dealers you can still get heroin. So I don’t think she hopeful he’ll get clean.

How did you do it ? If you dont mind me asking.

What was your turning point ? You don’t have to answer that.

I hope you and your son have a wonderful Christmas

[coco1212]

Jaynhissay it really does give hope reading your posts.

I hope one day my ex will have all this behind him.

Did you use methadone to come off heroin?

He’s been on it 2 months I thought some improvements were being made but his drug worker claims he doesn’t engaged properly. He’s never been much of a talker to be fair so I don’t know if that’s part of the reason she’s saying he doesn’t engage enough. He says he wants to change, he doesn’t want to be this way is what he says.

He told the drug worker that he wants to get off the heroin while still using crack and then come off crack. She said by still using crack, going to the dealers you can still get heroin. So I don’t think she hopeful he’ll get clean.

How did you do it ? If you dont mind me asking.

What was your turning point ? You don’t have to answer that.

I hope you and your son have a wonderful Christmas

[jaynhissay]

In my opinion Coco the crack is the thing that is the hardest to get away from the heroin withdrawal is obviously not a pleasant experience in any way but I didn’t get a buzz off the heroin I just used it to take the edge of the effects of the crack. I absolutely hated everything about the heroin. I used to smoke it on a pipe like you would do with crack (a separate one) I know most people smoke it off tinfoil. I hated the way it tasted and smelled it was horrid but since I stopped using I don’t crave for the heroin or think about it but it’s completely different when it comes to the crack cocaine. I now have to manage my cravings and thoughts on it. Even though I know how much destruction and devastation it causes in my life my brain will do it’s very best to get me to try and remember it fondly and take me back to when I first started using it and the rush I would get back then and I have to be on my guard the entire time with that stuff.

My turning point was caused by a few things to be honest. Not being able to get my mental health to improve after the attempts at suicide and after speaking with my son’s mum and her saying and explaining the effect my death would of had on my son was enough for me to realise that I wasn’t going to get better without stopping using and getting help.

[jaynhissay]

I have tried to respond but it’s being looked at as possible spam apparently

[coco1212]

Thank you jaynhissay for your honesty.

My ex doesn’t speak he just sits there looking like a stray dog needing shelter.

Yes I think there’s a problem with posting on the forum I’ve had problems too and it mentioned spamming

[coco1212]

Thank you jaynhissay for your honesty.

My ex doesn’t speak he just sits there looking like a stray dog needing shelter.

Yes I think there’s a problem with posting on the forum I’ve had problems too and it mentioned spamming

[coco1212]

Thank you jaynhissay for your honesty.

My ex doesn’t speak he just sits there looking like a stray dog needing shelter.

Yes I think there’s a problem with posting on the forum I’ve had problems too and it mentioned spamming

[coco1212]

Thank you jaynhissay for your honesty.

My ex doesn’t speak he just sits there looking like a stray dog needing shelter.

Yes I think there’s a problem with posting on the forum I’ve had problems too and it mentioned spamming

[liberty]

Coco1212, to you directly, I wish you all the very best this Christmas season. Sharing and comparing your experiences with my own has been such a support to me. You’ve given me hope and strength when it was lacking and being able to connect with such a strong woman is very heartwarming. Thank you. Always here to support you, no question.

Sending love and care xxx Liberty

[jaynhissay]

Liberty, I want to try and respond to your question about how my lifestyle choices led me to addiction and what could of made it less severe.

Firstly when I began to use drugs I used to enjoy them. At first the powder cocaine used to make me more confident and I was using in a social setting initially. It was when I was using drugs to deal with or avoid things that I became dependant on them. Because I have always worked since leaving school and not had to resort to crime to fund my addiction I managed to keep the full extent of the issue from my family and majority of my friends. It was only when I got to the point where I admitted to myself that I had a problem that I involved my family and friends. I am very lucky that I got and still do get their full support. I think that had I been honest with myself and my family sooner then maybe my addiction wouldn’t of escalated to the point it did as I know they would of done whatever it took to help me but also I wasn’t really ready to receive the help either so it’s a difficult thing to answer about what could of made it less severe. I imagine an addict in active addiction would say that having someone to fall back on who is willing to contribute financially when it was needed and not ask any questions would of been something that would make life less severe but as we’re all aware that is actually more detrimental to everyone involved. I firmly believe that as an addicts family member or friend there isn’t a lot that can be done to help until the addict makes the decision to get clean and then they have a better idea of what they need from the people who are supporting them with their recovery. I hope I’ve made sense in what I’ve just said.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, thank you. “ there isn’t a lot that can be done to help until the addict makes the decision to get clean and then they have a better idea of what they need from the people who are supporting them with their recovery” – this I am realising now, so much so, all be it, I’ve done so the hard way. I do wish that I could’ve known this sooner, but having said that, I think my persistence in trying to fight his addiction with/for him hasn’t gone unnoticed, which is one positive.

It does sound like you’re very fortunate. Not having to turn to crime and having such support of your family, and maintaining your career. My bf does struggle on that front, which we are trying to address, together, but mostly, it’s covid now preventing him from working.

My bf has a lot of people around him, most of them use drugs, not many are/have been addicts, but many of those who were are dead. Mostly either OD or were killed in a drug debt related crime. Death is a very final solution to a temporary problem. We can’t die and look back and think about it or how that impacts the lives of others. Once we’re gone, we’re gone. I’m glad your attempts to end your own life failed, life is so precious and delicate. There are many people in this world clinging on to life as it’s being taken from them by disease or illness, those of us who are lucky enough not to have to cling on to it shouldn’t throw it away either. Not when we only get one chance to enjoy what we’re given. There’s so much you’ve yet to experience being a parent, I’m sure. As someone who had a parent very suddenly and prematurely taken from their life, I realise the impact of losing a parent. The questions I couldn’t ask for opinions on. The situations I couldn’t ask for support with. I’m a much more serious person as a result, which sometimes I loathe. It does leave a gap that can never be filled.

I’m trying to make my bf realise these points. He has so much he hasn’t seen/done/experienced. I keep reminding him of the many pleasures in life beyond just coasting. Stuff that can only be enjoyed with a clear head and a healthy body. Hoping that will see us through as well as it can. I’m sure it’s the same for you and your son.

Christmas Eve is here now. I know there are many people here who I feel very grateful to have connected with through this forum. Thank you for sharing some of this years darkest moments with me. I wish you all the very very best for Christmas, especially during covid. I hope that you all have something joyful and comforting to enjoy. Much love and care as always. Liberty xxx

[ivy]

Thank you Jaynhissay,

I needed to hear this tonight

“ I firmly believe that as an addicts family member or friend there isn’t a lot that can be done to help until the addict makes the decision to get clean and then they have a better idea of what they need from the people who are supporting them with their recovery “

Ivy x

[jaynhissay]

Hi Ivy,

I’m glad I’ve managed to help in some sort of way. Do what you need to in order to keep yourself going and if I can help in any way I am more than happy to

Take care

[coco1212]

Aww liberty thank you so much. The same to you too you have given me so strength on my darkest days. I hope you’ve had a lovely day x

[liberty]

Coco1212, it wasn’t too bad, thank you. How has yours been? How has it all been?

Being in tier 4 I haven’t seen my bf. We did a gift exchange last week, he pretty much went all of the Xmas period alone and not on crack! Christmas Day was the 5th day, I was convinced he’d do it, but he didn’t. I think he held out until today, but I can’t know for sure. He may genuinely just be sleeping and not ignoring me while on it. Only time will tell.

He also thanked me for everything I’ve done to support him, which was nice to hear. But then he was a total grump the rest of the time, which I’m just ignoring and blaming on the withdrawal.

Xx

[coco1212]

It was alright. I had some bad news Christmas day but not because of him. He’s on day 3 without anything.

He said he thinks he’s turned a corner but I think it’s too soon to say. He’s gone to get a new sim card as dealers have been texting saying their active.

What’s the longest your bf has gone without using ?

I’m a bit nervous because I don’t seem to know when he’s had it. So i never know if to believe him.

[liberty]

Coco1212, oh dear, I hope the bad news wasn’t too personal to spoil Christmas. I hope you got some joy from the day.

My bf it’s hard to tell. There are subtle changes I look for in his behaviour, but lately I don’t look too hard, I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Although it’s hard, because I can’t tell you how many times he’s told me he’ll change the addiction, was good for a day or so, then was straight back to it. He’s never actually quit for any real length of time, which is why I just feel now that I’ll believe it when I see it. Again, I try not to say that out loud. If anything, at the moment, I’m not saying anything, so as not to be accused of bringing the elephant into the room as it were.

For my bf though, his voice, face and behaviour changes ever-so-slightly. For example, his voice is quite deep and rounded anyway, but during him smoking and for a little while after, his voice gets super smooth, slightly deeper, but smooth. It’s hard to describe. He’ll also want alcohol and cigarettes, he’ll alternate between the crack, drinking and cigarettes. Secondly, for my bf also, and this may all obviously be very very different for your guy for sure, but for my bf, his face gets longer. As in he’ll stretch out his chin and will have a cheeky smirk stuck there ????, slightly shy at the same time.

In terms of his physical behaviour, while he’s on it he gets super chilled, but his heart is racing, he gets really hot, loses his appetite and makes a point of checking the windows, looking through the curtains – this is him being a satellite. He sort of shuffles around the place checking outside, all hot and smooth voiced. He also gets a bit horny. Not crazy so, but he’ll be a bit more tactile. (Sorry, not trying to sound over personal here).

This all lasts as long as the buzz lasts and just after. After 24hrs after when he started to do it the day before, he gets very agitated, a bit snappy and very introverted. Sometimes, depending on how much he’s had, this is also when he can get a bit sweaty, and he’s not a sweaty person generally, but his forehead will sweat up a bit without much activity. – this isn’t while resting, only if we’re moving about, at the shops, getting ready to go out and he’ll get a bit clammy when he gets in the car. He sort of sweats through his eye sockets too, he’s eyes get shiny.

The more he does for a prolonged period the more the agitation and perspiration is visible. This is the point when I cannot engage in any debate with him, he can be obnoxious and will just bite at anything I say. If he wants something, anything, a drink/food/go somewhere, he’ll get super transfixed about it, no reasoning makes a difference here.

In my bf, these are the affects of his crack use. He doesn’t do the brown as you know, so I guess it depends on what combo and potency your guy does.

I hope it helps in some way. Either way, if he feels he’s doing less, he probably is.

Is there any more news about if he’ll stay at your place or leave the home? – If you don’t mind me asking, I’ve been thinking about that.

Anyway, I hope this all helps.

Sending kindness xxxx

[coco1212]

He will be leaving the home soon. It’s what social services want.

He use to get hot but I can’t say I’ve noticed that recently. He can also get very snappy again It’s not happened over the last 4/5 days. He’s sleeping so much but he says that’s the methadone he’s even started staying in bed past 7 he would be up at the crack of dawn before. I’ve become a little suspicious today but had no proof despite trying to catch him out discreetly. He’s always been super chilled so just don’t know.

He claims to be using our sons old phone and getting a new sim to get rid of all the contacts but he’s had the opportunity and hasn’t done it yet.

My friend passed away on Christmas day she was so young and it was such a shock.

[liberty]

Coco1212, I’m so so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. How heartbreaking for you, especially at Christmas. I’m sure words cannot express how you feel at this sad time. Thinking of you.

His behaviour all sounds very positive. Sleeping, a bit moody, using your boys mobile, this sounds so positive. When does he leave and do you know where he’ll go yet? – hopefully he makes enough progress to keep up what he’s achieved so far.

I get that it’s so easy to feel suspicious of them. I do it all the time. When someone says one thing, then all too often does another, it’s hard to think they really mean what they say. I totally get that. It’s the same for me at the moment. My bf is making different decisions lately, yes, I think he did smoke it yesterday and possibly the day before that. He was ignoring my calls on Xmas day evening and after 4/5 days of not smoking it I was convinced he was on it. I told him on text how old it’s getting and how I’m so over all his habit. The next morning he told me he’d been asleep on silent, that I was wrong to doubt him, but he did go and do it only a day later. At which point I said and did nothing, I felt like I’d already got my point across.

Him smoking it again has now led to him to having no money, once again he literally spent all of what he made that day on crack as soon as he got the money. He asked me for money for something inexpensive to do with work, I gave him a flat NO way! and told him that sum isn’t beyond what he does earn in a day, it’s just a matter of prioritising how he spends it. He was all “yes yes” like shut up now, he got it. He’s not stupid, he knows I’m right. He has the means to buy what he wants and needs, if he didn’t spend it ALL on crack!

Beating the addiction is not going to be an overnight thing, but like you, I’ve seen changes, it’s not enough for me to think he’s beaten the addiction, but it’s a long way from where we were and where I thought he’d be, which is positive. Im trying hard to not be as suspicious all the time. I’m still defiant that there’s no place for his addiction in my life anymore, it’s up to him to make the choice as to what he wants. I think he sees that now. He doesn’t have control over me anymore, he knows that.

If you don’t mind me asking, what’s the ideal scenario for you and your kids? You’ll get a bit of space from your x now when he leaves, how do you feel about that? Xxx

[jaynhissay]

Coco I’m sorry to hear about your friend who passed away. I know there’s no time in which grieving the loss of someone is easy, so to lose someone on Xmas day must be especially tough for all involved. A very close friend of mine sadly lost a sister just before Xmas she had a stage 4 brain tumor and she left behind a 3yr old daughter and a 5yr old son. Absolutely tragic.

I’m glad to read that things have been more positive for both you Coco and liberty.

Do either of your partner’s ask you to join them in the fight against the addiction? The reason I ask is because when I first started trying to get clean and was going to meetings with N.A. etc I was so keen to share with the people around me and they taught me to tell the truth again after so many years of lying and manipulating to either get what I wanted or keep the things from people I didn’t want finding out. I was told that relapse starts when the user starts telling lies again and finishes with them using.

I hope you have had as good a Xmas as possible and I wish you all the best.

[coco1212]

Our Christmas was ok. He’s out now supposedly getting his medication but he saw his mum yesterday so he’s been given money.

As for where he’ll go I’ve no idea. We’ll have to wait and see but if he’s had drugs today it’ll be alot sooner then he thinks.

[coco1212]

Thing is jaynhissay when someone has been raised to tell lies how do they stop? He’s always told lies even when there’s no need to. He’s lied today and even when he’s been caught in a lie he lies some more.

[liberty]

Coco1212, how are you? How’s it all going? Did he get rehoused?

Thinking of you xx

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

I’m ok, im now on antidepressants.

It’s a strange one he’s claiming to be clean apart from methadone for 12 days but I suspect he used on day 6 he strongly denies this. And when I woke up his bike has now moved so now I’m thinking is it possible he did last night. Apart from that he’s been good I’ve had no reason to suspect him.

As for housing that’s still ongoing I’m just waiting for a suitable property to come up.

How are you ? X

[liberty]

Coco1212, just to add. What’s really got to me lately is two things. 1: I started an e-commerce business for him last year, a good one, with good scope to do well, registered it, had all the relevant licences put in place, trademark, website, purchased initial stock quantities, did everything for him. Told him how to do it, which he wanted, and was fine with. What happened?! He sold the stock for cash and smoked all the money. The profit would’ve been enough to re-supply stock twice over, did I see a penny of that money to be able to do that?! No. I used all the money I had this year to start that for him, he didn’t think ahead of the big win, just the instant small one. I don’t have the money to reinvest in more stock, so it’s idle. All that work. This money he has coming in will cover him paying me back cost price for the goods, baring in mind I’m not asking him to pay for anything I did to set the business up, which was a big outlay. I just wanted to see him make a success of it. Told him how. He didn’t do that. 2: I bought him one of those scooters for his birthday, he got a puncture pretty quick, was so heavy handed fixing it that he’s broken something while doing so, it now it won’t hold charge and is broken. After weeks! I really struggled to buy that too, just feels so disrespectful, you know! All this time I’ve wanted to find ways to improve our lives, I’ve finally managed to do that, and for what. I wasn’t being unrealistic, just never seeing where his priorities lie, not to the extent to which they actually are. Sick of it I am now. Sick of it.

[liberty]

Coco, ok, that sounds like change, that’s good, and well done for taking charge of your own feelings xx

I’m so sorry I haven’t messaged for a while, it all got a bit much, this year has been so full on.

Once every six days isn’t every day, even if he did do it on day 6, that’s a massive decrease in use, I think that’s positive.

I’m ok-ish, thank you. Surviving. Not much has changed really, we’ve had good weeks and bad weeks, I couldn’t take the risk and bubble with him for the sake of mums health, we’ve come too far. As a result I haven’t seen him in a month. At first we were good, we spoke every day, the non-using days started to build up, he was really good actually. We got a lot talked about plans for the future spoken of again, we found a new normal. But as this new lockdown went on, he became more and more frustrated, angry and depressed, he decided to pass the time with the crack in a major way again and we’ve barely spoken for over a week now. I don’t know what he’s been up to, where he’s been. He said he’s been stuck at home the whole time, but I don’t quite believe that, as he’s now sick. A cold or covid, who knows. He’s being particularly moody and dismissive with me, it’s that feeling ill and wanting attention plus the comedown as a combo. He’s got some money coming to him in a couple of weeks, more than he’s had in one go for a long while, I tried to talk to him about what he’s gonna do with it, get the bills paid that we need to settle. I’m so over him owing me for things now, especially as we’re not living together. He went all defensive, tried to claim i was thinking of myself. It just felt like that was him telling me he wants to have a missive session and he can’t wait. I just know he won’t spend it on the things WE / HE needs to spend it on. I just know what he’s planning, I think in his mind, he’s already anticipating it. The day he found out he was getting the money was the day his use increased massively. I know he just can’t wait. I can’t stop him, I can’t reason with him. The whole country is in a state, he’s alone, he’s going to just do what he wants to do. It’s heartbreaking and I can’t stop him.

I just hope that when he gets this money he’ll actually do what he should and not go so hard on the crack that it’ll be too hard. I can’t help but feel this, I’m still in that waiting to see what happens frame of mind. One of three things is about to occur, only one is good, which I just don’t know.

Nevertheless I’m trying to stay positive, trying to be more than reasonable and supportive, giving him space when he’s taking it for himself, trying not to tell him how much this distance is upsetting me. I failed at that today.

What can I do Coco?! Other than just wait, hope. Try and stay strong, so over doing all of those things.

Xxx

[coco1212]

Aww liberty I’m gutted for you. All that hard work you put in for that. You must be crushed and yet you still support him.

It always feels like a one way street doesn’t it ? I guess in a way it is.

He has done well but for some reason is avoiding his drug worker. He’s never really liked engaging with her.

Unfortunately like you I know he’s getting money in a couple of weeks and I have a strong feeling that as soon as it’s in the bank it’ll be gone. And that’s what makes me feel physically ill.

He too has mood swings it hasn’t been regular but yesterday he was a bit moody and pushed me, there was no need for it nothing had been said. And I said was there any need for that and he said you knew I wanted to get past.

Unfortunately there is nothing we can do apart from stand by and watch it happen again.

I hope your OK even though I know you must be heartbroken. I hoped with you not being in contact it was a positive thing. Please take care of yourself x

[liberty]

Pushed you Coco?! Please be careful not to put yourself in a position where that’s even possible. That is not right, you must give him space if there’s any chance he could give you a push, that’s not right.

Can he get a different case worker? Sad that he doesn’t get on with this one, it’s a really crucial thing too.

There’s still a chance it’ll all work out, it’s all ready to go, just as soon as he can re-up on the stock he can get it moving again. I’m not holding my breath though.

My bf has covid. He’s in a stinking mood, off a comedown, he didn’t like it when I asked how he could even get covid, tells me he hasn’t been anywhere/had anyone over. I can’t even. I don’t want to lose him. Can’t do a thing!

[coco1212]

It wasn’t a hard push, I wasn’t expecting it that’s what surprised me the most.

I’m going to try and speak to him about asking for a different worker.

I really hope it works out but it’s the fear of knowing it probably won’t yet .

Has he been tested? It’s a scary time to have it now there’s 3 different types. I really hope he gets better soon. I’m sure your very worried about him at the moment. I would be too. That’s one thing I have been concerned about as there bodies can’t be as strong as they were with the abuse.

I really hope he does re stock and it works out.

He’s so lucky to have you. X

[liberty]

Likewise Coco, thanks. There’s nothing to say crack addicts are affected less or more, who knows!

I bet it was a surprise, I can imagine, from what you’ve told me he doesn’t seem the aggressive type anyway, I don’t think you’d be with him if he was, but still, a shove or a push is something better left unsaid, but not unseen, if you know what I mean. Just keep an eye out for yourself. Xxx

I am worried, yes, although he’s been in less of a grump this afternoon and his body physically can’t take the smoke, so he’s off the crack for the time being. Every cloud, I suppose! (as I shake my head).

[coco1212]

Yes I guess if he physically can’t smoke it’s a good thing in some ways.

I wish I could give you some better advise, I wish I had the answers that would solve both ours and their problems.

He’s not aggressive in the slightest there’s been a few incidents while he’s been addict, nothing ever before that.

I really hope things change for us all soon and for the better obviously.

Nice to hear from you again. X

[liberty]

I agree Coco, I hope something will change for the better too.

Stay well xx

[coco1212]

You too. He’s going for a drug test Friday so we shall see how clean he is.

We had a big argument last night I found a pipe and just saw red especially when he called me crazy.

He claims he had that one ages so I’ve thrown it away.

[liberty]

Coco, oh no, what happened? Do you want to talk about it (it’s ok if not), hoping for the best on Friday, do let me know. Xx

My bf is over the worst of the covid, it’s forced him to stay off the crack, he got too sick, it all got a bit scary at one point early hours of this morning, but he’s definitely turned the corner now and is much better this evening. He’d literally only smoked it hours before things got bad for him and a few days of covid have allowed him to sleep off most of the come down too. I really hope it lasts a bit longer this time. Xx

[liberty]

How did the test go? Well I hope.

My bf is finally getting over the covid, but decided to get back on it as soon as he could, and he lied about it, which he never usually does. Back to what he does best my best mate said. – so sad. Now as usual he’s back to being grumpy and sharp with me and again I’m trying to cut him out emotionally, because he’s lied to me. We’re just going round in circles, not going to let him get to me anymore.

Hope you’ve had a positive week. Xx

[coco1212]

Hello Liberty

Nothing really happened I just found a pipe, I say found it was on the side in a box. And straight away I thought he had had or would use so I went ballistic. He then went on to say I’m crazy because that’s all I think about.

Anyway to cut a long story short I went with him for his test and it is all clear no substance apart from his medication. For now this is great. The biggest test will be Tuesday.

This week has a been a positive social services are closing the case too. Such a relief.

Aww I’m sorry to hear he’s gone straight back out to do it again. I really feel for you, I know just how much you must be hurting right now.

Why do you think he’s lied about it when he doesn’t normally?

It makes it so much worse I feel when they lie. To be perfectly honest he has always lied to me about it that’s why the other night I thought the worst.

You know where I am if you need to talk or rant x

[liberty]

And thanks for being there Coco, I hope what I say and am feeling doesn’t sound too crazy, but by sharing it like this with you, really helps. So thank you xx

[liberty]

Coco, that is so good, I’m so pleased the test was clear and also that social services have closed the case, what a relief. You’re actually making progress during a pandemic. That’s a real achievement, I am so pleased for you.

I’ve become much less accepting of his addiction, less tolerant to his mood swings, and everything really, I think that gives him reason to lie, try not to rock the boat. He ignored me for soooo long, the same as when he’s on the crack, it felt the same, I had no reason to think he did anything other than the crack, he danced around the question, which left me feeling like he absolutely had done it, did nothing to reassure me, as always. Then comes back telling me it was only a lot of green. But by this time I was angry and feeling used again. Why do I bother trying to plan a better next chapter. I told him I’ve had enough. I really want him to step up and say he’s sorry and that he’ll try and work to build a better future together with me, but a big part of me thinks he won’t. I can’t bring myself to answer his calls, I feel that bad. I don’t want to give in, I don’t want to walk away, after everything of myself I’ve invested in our relationship, but I’m feeling I have no choice. It’s so sad.

Xxx

[coco1212]

Liberty, it doesn’t sound crazy at all.

Being with or standing by an addict is hard work. You set yourself up for disappointment and heartache in some ways. Your always there for them but who’s there for you, for us ?

We are the ones that become isolated in some ways. We can’t or won’t tell people what’s really going on for fear of being judged or them being judged.

I do feel like something has changed with you, or am I wrong ?

You sound deflated. I can’t blame for that you’ve been so strong, so supportive of him and haven’t really had anything back.

How long have you been together ? if you don’t mind me asking.

I was with mine for 18 years.

We are still friends and we have a weird set up he lives with me still but hopefully that will change soon. I think he needs to stand on his own two feet for a while as I’ve said at the moment he’s doing well but the biggest test will be Tuesday when he has money.

Always here if need to chat x

[liberty]

Thanks Coco, you’re so right too. The not sharing for the sake of being judged, the suffering in silence every time they disappear.

After 18 years do you think you’ll ever get back together, what’s next for you personally do you think? Do you ever think about yourself? (I’m not trying to pry here, please don’t share if that’s too personal).

It’s tricky to say how long we’ve been together, he’s done a lot of time in prison, 4 times, 12 years in total, we’ve been together solidly since he last came out in ‘18, i got married in between, that failed. I refuse to be a ‘prison wife’, I dread losing him to that again, but he’s on a different page now, he’s been doing all he can to change things, I’ve supported that massively. It really is time to just get on with life, that’s where we’ve been at pre-covid. Most might consider him a very bad man, which is why some of my friends have never liked him, but he didn’t get the best start in life, really suffered and was guided to a criminal path instead of a legal one. He’s such a clever guy, really smart, we have very similar personalities, even though we are complete polar opposites, I am the small quiet one, never committed criminal act, he’s totally the opposite. When we’re together, we’re great, we bounce off each other. It’s always the in between when we’re apart neither of us are good, which is what’s happening again at the moment I think. I suppose I have changed in that I’m not backing down. It’s always me who backs down and says sorry weather I’m the bad guy or not, and as you may/may not be able to tell, I’m not into arguments, I’m terrible at it for a start, I have mostly just let things wash over me in the past, but this time, I just don’t feel I should. I’ve fort for him sooo much these past few years, waiting for him to do the same and never quite getting there, all the while believing he will. I guess I’ve lost a chunk of hope really and I’m at the point where I think, I still have time to start again. Just. I just don’t want to.

I have no idea what will happen next, I’ve not been like that before. No objective I suppose.

I can’t imagine what this all sounds like. Keep safe xxx

[coco1212]

It sounds like you are struggling with it all, it sounds like your fed up of always supporting him and getting nothing but lies and empty promises.

After 18 years it’s very hard to imagine life without him, my family will never accept him back now.

My mum and her partner never liked him anyway and almost took get pleasure in it when I told them I’d found out he’d been taking crack. Looking back I wish I never told them but at the time I was so shocked and devastated I turned to my family big mistake.

We are getting on fairly well at the moment but he was a bit sneaky yesterday and that’s making me concerned that money is coming tomorrow.

I would love to think that this whole drug stuff is behind us but I fear it isn’t.

I think we may be better as friends. So I think what’s next is hopefully he’ll get his own place and I’ll move and hopefully all this can be put in the past.

How are you feeling today ? X

[liberty]

Hi Coco, sorry for not replying sooner. How did the test go? How did the 5th go? I’ve been wondering.

The same as usual happened, I let him back in, again. We’ve had a good few days, plus a few not much happening and me wondering what he’s up to days.

The 5th came, it wasn’t a disaster, my bf tells me he’s paid all his bills and has given me half of what’s left over so I can look after it for him, which I think is sensible – if it weren’t for the fact that he’s been asking me for a little bit back every day so far even though he has all the “essentials”. There’s a few positives in there somewhere I’m sure,

In truth I’ve been working all hours, since I don’t know how long. I took on some extra work, which I knew would be tough and it has/is. I just keep thinking about the extra money I’ll get, it’s not massive, but it’ll be enough for a new fridge/freezer for my boyfriend and a few new household essentials for my new place. I still do all the online food shops for my bf at the moment, even though I’m now living with my mum. My bf got so skinny, he’s one of those people who likes food, but can do without of it’s too much like hard work, I didn’t like seeing him not taking care of himself, so I do it. The extra money will help a lot.

I envy the people in a stable solid relationship, living together, working hard to get through this covid crisis together. It seems a long way from me working all hours and my bf just doing tv, green and the occasional bit of crack to fill the time, because he’s on his own, I’m here, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

I hope I haven’t said too much now. I hope you’re looking after yourself Xx

[coco1212]

The test was clear and he got paid and he’s still crack free. Still 22 days clean is still a short time but it seems to be getting easier for him.

Of course you haven’t said too much I don’t mind what you say.

You still sound like your doing alot for him. He’s starting to put weight on again which is nice to see. He actually just seems to eat and sleep now. I guess maybe it’s his bodys way of making up from when he was the drugs and only the drugs. I don’t know.

It sounds like there is a slight improvement your end. I hope this is the start of all our lives changing for the better.

It’s just such a long road. X

[liberty]

Coco, that is great news. Wow 22 days, gaining weight, this is positive, I’m so glad. It’s odd, for the most part although my bf is still smoking the crack, he has been doing it much less. He’s also gaining weight and sleeping lots.

Strange how things go sometimes.

How has yours been with you? And has he cut ties with the people he used to do the drugs with? I hope so xx

Also, how are you keeping, generally? I hope you’re staying safe and well xx

[coco1212]

He’s been fine. Yes he’s cut all contact with everyone but his drug worker said he has to learn to mix with people again. I think at this early stage I prefer him not to mix when he gets stronger then that’s fine but to me it’s too early.

I’m ok trying to remain positive but it’s so hard. I mean this really is his first time truly attempting to be clean.

How about you? X

[liberty]

Coco, what makes you think you’re not positive? What are you finding hard at the moment? He’s stood up to this addiction in a really structured way, you’ve been so supportive, and I get that it’s been hard. OMG I know it’s so hard. The way things are right now makes me think you’re likely through the worst though – and look at what you’ve survived! You’ve done what’s best for your whole family at each point, I only have adoration for you.

I’m in mixed feelings about what you say his case worker said about him being connected, surely doesn’t staying connected to people just depend on the how supportive they are of his wanting to overcome the addiction? On one hand it’s good to have distractions, stay connected to his people, but on the other of they don’t help him look out for his well-being, what’s the point.

I’m fine, thank you. Still mixed emotions flying around, so I’m just keeping busy, trying not to think about it all too much

Sending care xxx

[coco1212]

I just don’t feel positive, I’m always waiting for a knock at the door and something bad to happen. I have no trust in not just him but anyone.

I feel as though people have been waiting for my downfall and no one wants me to recover.

As for his case worker I was surprised she would say that so but wasn’t what I was surprised by most, what surprised maybe even surprised, shocked me the most was when she stood in front of us both and said you know you could still use a bit and not be addicted. People do use crack and heroin occasionally and not become addicted. I didn’t want to fly off the handle in front of her but I really wanted to say what a stupid thing to say to an addict. Luckily he didn’t say well I can have a but she’s just said so.

Bless you it’s just such a difficult situation and no one can tell you what to do. I’m avoiding speaking to the little family I have left because they always want to bring it up and then it makes me feel uncomfortable and if I don’t give the answer they want it’s world war 3 so then you have to bend the truth a little then if your caught it’s your a liar. I can’t win.

I hope keeping busy is working out for you but just don’t burn yourself out. X

[liberty]

Coco wow! She said that?! I am honestly shocked. Crack and heroin are highly addictive life changing drugs, who is this women to say it’s ok do a bit now and then and be fine?! Im sure there are some people out there who are physiologically less influenced by drugs, I often wonder if I’m one of them, but ultimately, the fact that it has taken ALL of THIS to get your partner back on track means he’s likely not one of those people. He did it, he got addicted, he’s getting it under control now, he does not need to get the taste for it again. For goodness sake!

And Coco, darling, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, fear of something you can’t control happening is not good. And in response to that I say… Firstly, you have enough on your plate to worry about what else could happen, but hasn’t yet. secondly, girl there’s nothing you can’t handle, honestly you’ve come through so much and supported me at the same time, no matter what knocks on that door, you will know how to handle it, and you can handle it. Thirdly, fear can often be that very thing… just fear. Things are improving, time will help.

Family, we’ve spoken about this before, it’s the same for me. Everyone else thinks they know best, but they’re not the ones living it, you are.

Ive said all my life I couldn’t understand why women have affairs, (I know this is totally unrelated, but I do have a point) I took a vow of marriage, i honestly swore to god that I would do everything to keep that marriage alive, until things went horribly wrong in that relationship and my best mate asked me if I was having an affair, to which I replied, “no, but I can see how people do” – that was the first time I ever truly felt like I’d misjudged people for their actions without having experienced them personally. Like my family do, I’m sure your family just care about you and are trying to look out for your best interests. I get that now they know the situation they are keen to know what’s happening, it’s annoying that things can never be un-said. I get that you’re being more cautious and distant from them to avoid any judgement and concern. I am the same. Totally, as you know.

I know I’m not physically there in your circle, but I am totally here and I have your back Coco.

Perhaps try and take each day as it comes, don’t worry about facing something you can’t handle. That’ll never happen and you don’t need to face anything alone. Here with you. Xxx

As it happens I did burn myself out a bit these past few weeks. I’m sick and achy and tired, it can’t be helped. It can’t be covid, I haven’t been anywhere, a few days rest and I’ll be back to normal I’m sure. I’m taking a step back now.

Are you still working? Xxx

Sending care xxx

[rosesht36]

Hi it’s just so exhausting putting up with talk of how our partners want to give up yet a week or so later they are back on again! I feel too lost in my situation with my husband who says he will kick the habit yet that’s just talk as it’s never followed up and then as soon as I dare question him somehow I am the bad person who is in the wrong for doing so and that really hurts when you love someone that much and I cant give up on him but it does make living with this issue of cocaine addiction from him hard to bear.Truth is like everyone will tell you on here if they really want to stop it has to come from them only they can control it and sadly we only have the support from kind people on here going through the same pain we sit through who understand our dispares and worries, I have found this forum so helpful knowing I am not alone so hang on in there we are battling this experience together x

[liberty]

RosesHT36, thanks for getting in touch. Sorry to hear about your situation. If you don’t mind me asking, How long have you been in this position? How long has your husband been on the coke? Is he a drinker, does he smoke it too? How are you doing in all of this, do you have any support of anyone?

It is exhausting.

My boyfriends addiction is the one thing standing in our way.

The thing I’m struggling with lately is that my boyfriend gets on the crack and all he thinks about is the past. The fun he had, the crazy things he did. He was high for all of it, crack, or the dopamine it creates both heightened his enjoyment and made him remember it all clearly. Dopamine after all affects memory, or rather over stimulates the section of the brain that controls memory. My boyfriend recalls stories of his past so clearly, every detail, but this is now the issue for me. He seems stuck in it. No longer zipping around doing the crazy stuff, he’s too old for that now, (thank god!) instead he’s indoors, occasionally with someone to get high and talk about it all with, and reminisce about the past. Yes, he’s cut down massively, he’s getting it to the point where it’s a bit more manageable, and conducive with a normal lifestyle. His use is daily/expensive, but in the £20-40 a day range rather than £200 a day range. The risks involved in finding the money to sustain this are minimal-ish now. He can pretty much pay for what he needs without turning to crime, but needs me to feed him though. He’s living two paths right now, the person stuck in the past, not creating any kind of future with me. And the slightly clearer minded person who does see the possibilities of our future now, has planned it all with me, but isn’t in this state for long enough to actually achieve anything. Only long enough to talk about it, think about how good life will be, think back to how good (or rather more crazy and fun) his life has been, and there he goes again. Stuck in this cycle. For my boyfriend, the events which led him to drugs can always be used as excuses for not coming off them. Some terrible things happened to him as a child. His dad abused his mum, so he was put in care, where he was abused. All before the age of 5. His family are relatively wealthy, but he wanted nice things, they made him feel good, so decided to find ways to get them, he lacked guidance or direction, so there he fell solidly into crime. He’s never had to really work for something, although he has intermittently at times worked, but didn’t see the same financial gains. High risk, quick wins always wins in the end. So high risk actually that he’s lucky to be alive, he’s been stabbed 7 times. No one ever went for (or got I think) his life with a gun – it happened to a lot of people he knew.

As I’ve said before, his debt to society, 12 years worth, have been paid.

But what kind of life do you call this?

I often wonder what I’m doing with him. I’ve known loss and struggle myself in a different ways. That’s how we bonded, plus we’re both pretty fearless and don’t mind risk, actually we both thrive on risk, but in different ways. I don’t believe in anything illegal. We’re both relatively intelligent people, together there’s really nothing we can’t achieve. Except his addiction is totally holding him back. Keeping him in the past. Sometimes he does dwell on the bad things, but he’s pretty much dealt with it all now, he’s accepted and forgiven. So now it’s just about moving forward and doing so in a solid legal, sustainable way. I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to move forward to another chapter of his life, or if it all ends in the same condition it’s in now. Only time will tell. Covid obviously paused everything, which has not helped. It’s allowed him to do exactly what he thinks he loves the most, get high and remember the past, but it hasn’t stopped me getting our plans for the future in motion. He’s getting a bit left behind now.

Sometimes, or rather especially now because I’m getting older, I’m realising I don’t want to waste too much more of my life in this position. I want to get on making it good, living it well. How much longer will this go on for, and when and how will it change. That’s what I’m pretty much waiting for now.

Care to all xxx

[liberty]

Roses, Coco made such a good point there. We always loose to addiction. The drug of choice will always come first, no matter how much you point out the damage it’s going to the health, life, financial stability, they defend it. My boyfriend sometimes admits everything back to me, he knows what it causes, he knows it just as clearly as I see it. He just fights me because he wants it THAT bad. For me, when I stopped fighting his addiction, he finally noticed and started to calm down, because he saw that I’d started to lose interest and started to just not care about it or him, and that scared him. I do still fight it now, of course, but his use has increased again. I’m not suggesting this is in any way something you should do, just sharing my experiences in the hope that it gives some comfort and insight xx

[coco1212]

As I read both posts it’s like I’m sat there with you both. I feel the pain your going through. The lies and betrayal just become normal. Unfortunately with addiction what we feel doesn’t matter, it’s all about that drug and how they can get their hands on it or how they feel about it.

Liberty- I’m off sick from work at the moment I think the past year has just caught up with me. It’s most definitely been a roller coaster that I hope has come to an end.

I really feel like I’ve lost myself, I’ve no passion or anything. I’ve sat and thought maybe while I’m off I’ll do a course or something but then I think I’m not interested in anything, there’s nothing there at all.

I’m jealous of you in way that despite all of what your going through you still have passion to do something that your interested in.

I didn’t realise how bad things have been. Stabbed 7 times that’s awful thank goodness he’s pulled through, it just goes to show how bad things get in the world of addiction as you know he was attacked too nothing too serious.

Roseht36- it’s hard I know but don’t take things too personally. You will always be the bad guy while their on that because you don’t want them to be an addict, you see them being on that as a problem and they see it as a buzz, a feel good factor, I don’t really know but what they see as good we know and see it as bad and they don’t want to accept that.

This forum, liberty especially has been a huge help for me. When I’ve felt at my lowest coming on here has really helped because we’re not alone but I know that we feel like we are alot. Whenever you want to chat or rant or anything myself and most likely liberty will be here for you.

Take care both of you xx

[liberty]

Off work Coco, I’m not surprised. Clearly, this has totally drained you. I really feel for you, and I can totally empathise with you, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel jealous, just trying to add context to my situation, which let’s face it, is still nothing to be desired, my dreams and ambitions are all I have to a point, I have to look ahead, even if the end reality isn’t as glossy. It has every chance though, that’s what I give it.

Honestly, I’ve had to pick myself up again so many times, from an abusive partner, from a failed marriage, from tragic death of family members, I honestly know how hard it is. A course is a great idea, and shows you want to get yourself back on track to better things, but perhaps the wrong time, in my view. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time out. While I was living with my abusive x (not my husband, not my boyfriend now), who’s abuse had driven me to eating disorder, he’d made me feel so abnormally insecure (I am not an insecure person), beating me down, degrading me, making me feel literally worthless, at the same time I was working in my city banking career, which I did for many many years, literally the most stressful and all consuming job ever, and when I finally had the courage to walk away from my abuser, only then for the tragedy of sudden death to strike my family, I’m talking days apart here, literally everything at once, I suffered total burn out. One minute I was crossing the road to walk to the drs for a throat infection, the next I knew I had to take what ended up being 4 months off, else I I’d be in psychiatric care. Rock bottom exists, you found it by the sounds of it, but the good news is, now you can rest. You know what you’re dealing with, you’ve already done it. It may take time, but you’ll find a new normal, I just know it. At some point you’ll be able to start that course, or something else as equally positive, and what you’re feeling now will be a distant memory. Baby steps, as tiny as you like now, baby steps, just slow it all down. You are such a strong woman, you have the support of me and everyone else on here. You have your wonderful children around you, that is such a blessing that I never got to experience, plus even though you’ve had all this to contend with, you’ve had enough strength to help me with my boyfriends addiction.

Time dear Coco, time is your friend, and I know you’ll be fine. Xxx

[coco1212]

Thank you once again liberty. I know you,you didn’t mean to make me jealous and I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just I wish I was like you, like I had your drive. I wish I had something to look forward to or just to take my mind of things.

I’m being pathetic, I’ve no clue what’s wrong with me. I should be feeling better surely, he’s clean so why does it still so stressful and frustrating?

Maybe I’m am part of the issue.

I can’t believe how much you’ve been through you had so pain and tragedy and yet your still hopeful and driven.

That’s what makes me think I’m trapped in the past or something.

I can’t move on from the lies and betrayal. It’s like as I sit here writing this I’m thinking about things that happened this time last year. Like the anniversary of his grandma’s death is coming up and his birthday last year he ditched us to spend the evening with his dealer and having steaks and champagne. Also my baby would of been due next week and guilt and pain of that is crushing. X

[liberty]

Oh darling Coco, don’t be so hard on yourself, it really pains me to hear you this way, it’s only natural to re-live things a little the year after, the seasons don’t help that. I don’t think you lack drive at all. Last year was so tough, the baby, splitting from your partner and his addiction. Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with you. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and you are a good person.

And yes, he’s getting clean now, but that trust thing, it doesn’t come overnight. My boyfriend has been all over the place lately, he’s upped his use, but is assuring me he’s massively cutting back. He said he had some yesterday, but that’s it for the whole week. Do I believe him?! He said he’s managing to stay away from it, he’s told me he’s going to check in a lot more with me this week, prove me wrong. He and I are together, but that trust thing takes a long time I think.

Let’s see how the week goes. He and I joked earlier, by Friday will I say “I told you so” to him?! He says not. He seems pretty determined about that. I’m both excited and terrified either way.

Honestly, don’t be too hard on yourself. Even the happiest of people can find ways to be unhappy if they look for them, so don’t look for them. Take pleasure in the simple things in life, the good things around you.

I only have positive things to work for because I’ve had time to plan to do so. Do you think I bounced back from any of those things immediately, no way. There’s been times in my life when I’ve forced myself to get out of bed at a certain time, force myself to start a new but very basic routine, forced myself to phone friends and just listen about their lives and force myself not to speak about my own. I have many coping mechanisms, like the worst of us. Sometimes I didn’t cry enough, sometimes I could do nothing but cry. We are all human, life can be tough at times.

I know good things will come, you may not know what they are yet, but they will happen xx

[coco1212]

Thank you so much liberty.

I don’t think I’ll trust anyone again the way I use to.

I really hope by Friday your bf does prove you wrong. To be honest he use to say to me he was cutting down but because I never truly knew what he was on at his worse or at all really it made no difference to me all I knew was he was using. So maybe he did cut down and that’s how he’s managed to stop now.

I hope good things happen for us both liberty. You are such a lovely person and you truly deserve happiness x

[liberty]

That’s kind Coco, same to you.

Did he get tested today? How’s the week been?

My bf has been defiant all week. He’s kept off the crack, says he doesn’t want to do it. Doesn’t feel he needs to do it. We’ve been talking about the future again. All is nice once more. Hoping it’ll last for a bit. Fingers crossed.

One thing I have noticed his memory isn’t as clear without it. He’s always been pretty sharp, but he’s been forgetting some words. Hoping it’ll just be a temporary thing while his body is readjusting.

Xx

[coco1212]

He hasn’t been tested. The week was fine until I saw a text asking for some. He is adamant he didn’t have any and said to test him. I’m going to get him to one. I’m disgusted in him and I’ve told him you fail a test and there’s no going back you’ve had far too many chances and I’ve supported you when you have betrayed me and the children in one of the worst ways. The things you put us through they’ll never be forgotten.

I do fear it will be positive. What’s worse for me is if it is he didn’t need it, he chose it again.

I’m pleased to hear things are looking better for you.

[liberty]

Coco, that’s exactly right, you have been more than good to him, so patent and understanding, at some point there comes a time when he’s had enough chances. At the end of the day it’s his lifestyle choice. He can’t expect you to always pick up the pieces. You’re a good woman, but you don’t have to be a saint.

I do sense that the anger is really coming out now, and understandably. What happened? Did you test him? I really hope you’re OK. Xxx

My bf has been ‘helping’ out his dealer, but he assures me he’s not getting crack for it. I’m not sure I totally believe him. He tells me if anything he’s seen what it’s done to some other smokers lives and it’s put him off. The dealer said the same to him. Apparently he doesn’t do it himself. My bf has never seen himself as a dirty crackhead, even though he has absolutely been one. Id like to ask him why he sees himself as so different, really. But he seems in control and is seemingly being good, so I’m not going to. He’s also been really loving and attentive, probably because he knows I don’t tolerate his rubbish anymore and I know he doesn’t want to loose me. He knows he so very nearly did and he’s walking on thin ice.

Xx

[coco1212]

You have to do what’s right for you. We can’t just be here to pick up the pieces all the time.

Was there a reason he relapsed? Or did he just do it ?

I feel like if something happened it’s slightly different.

Ultimately only you know if you can do this again and if you can’t it’s ok. X

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

I’ve cooled down a little now. Test was negative. I’ve decided I think I’ll do random testing. The search for finding him a home is still ongoing and it’s getting frustrating as no one wants to help. My family are becoming suspicious and I hate lying but being truthful with result in more arguments.

How are things going for you ? X

[liberty]

Hi Coco, good to hear from you and glad you’re doing better. Suspicious? If you’re protecting them and they don’t need to know from what, if life is simpler not sharing details, then don’t. No one says you have to divulge your situation if you don’t want to. As you know, I protect my mum in the same way, so I wouldn’t blame you for holding back a bit.

I’m glad the test was negative, how has he been with you about testing?

I’m ok. My bf is really distant again. Says he’ll ring, doesn’t, or he’ll ring to say he’ll ring me later and doesn’t. He’s been checking in, but I hear in his voice he’s on it, he says he isn’t, I think he says that to keep me happy. Things probably aren’t good. Again. He’s struggling on his own. We have seen each other, and that was nice, but only for a short time and he always wants me to stay, which I can’t for mums sake. He’s still “helping out” his dealer. Xx

[liberty]

Coco, are you back at work? I bet the time off has done you good xx

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

No I’m still not at back at work yet.

He’s fine with testing him.

Helping out his dealer is never a good sign from my experience.

So how are things going now ? Is he still be distant ?

[liberty]

Ok Coco, that’s good he’s ok with the testing.

Very distant, yes, we all know what time of the month it is, he’s smoking it up has been for most of the day and most of the past few weeks on and off. He’s never going to make better lifestyle choices is he. Xx

[coco1212]

I really wish I could give you the answer to that.

I guess for some it’s harder than others and as you’ve said he’s been on it for many years, maybe he doesn’t remember how life is without it.

I remember thinking the exact same thing not all that long ago.

My heart goes out to you liberty it really does.

Always here if you need to talk x

[liberty]

Hi Coco1212, how are you doing? I’ve been wondering how you are. How has everything been with you? Is everything still heading in the right direction?

No change here really, it was a heavy start to the month for my bf as predicted, same cycle. He got on it hard, we argued, his use has subsided a bit, but he’s still moderate to heavy again every day.

Thanks for the support you offer, as always. Hope you’re doing well xx

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

Things are alright. I may be moving soon so that’s good news .

I’m sorry to hear things haven’t really got much better for you. I guess with him using for so long it’s harder.

[coco1212]

I hope you are well liberty it’s been a long time since I heard from you. I hope things have got better for you. X

[liberty]

Coco, how are you hun? How’s things with you and yours? Xx

It’s hard to say where we’re at right now, I guess a lot has happened. We broke up, things got horrible, really horrible, we had some time apart, but he had a few health issues, he got back in touch and I didn’t/couldn’t push him away, so we’re back together. I got quite depressed actually and that just really isn’t me. I’ve kind of got past that now, things have settled down, but we’re far from normal, we are in a normal to us I guess.

He’s still on it, obviously, for the most part I’ve given up trying to encourage him to get off it, but depends on how we’re doing. I try not to care anymore, but as ever, I do.

I’m sorry it isn’t the happy ending, but I’m really glad to hear from you, I do often wonder how you’re doing. Sending love xxx

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

I’m so happy to hear from you. I had hoped that things had changed for the better for you and that was why you had been quiet.

I have now moved and he is still here with us, he hasn’t used since January so that’s good. But the trust has gone and I don’t think that will ever return. I’m still off work and that’s got a bit complicated but I guess in some ways I was getting fed with the job I was in so maybe a change is what I need.

I’ll always be here if you want to talk xx

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

I’m so happy to hear from you. I had hoped that things had changed for the better for you and that was why you had been quiet.

I have now moved and he is still here with us, he hasn’t used since January so that’s good. But the trust has gone and I don’t think that will ever return. I’m still off work and that’s got a bit complicated but I guess in some ways I was getting fed with the job I was in so maybe a change is what I need.

I’ll always be here if you want to talk xx

[liberty]

Coco, it’s good to hear from you, and I’m really pleased that everything continued on the same path for you and your bf has stayed off it since Jan.

I have a lot of admiration for you, I know it isn’t easy living though what you have with kids around and get to a positive outcome like you have.

A lot of much of the same has been going on for me/us, I suppose I know what it is and what it isn’t, I’m probably just on auto pilot now. He still says he’s going to come off it, it’s still massively holding him back in life, I’m still the breadwinner, still looking after him. More than ever now actually, and tbh I don’t even know why. I don’t think he’ll ever change even if some days he convinces himself he wants to. He says no drug support “help” will work for him, so what can I do.

The only positive is that he doesn’t do it every day anymore.

In truth I’m scared of what will happen if I stop my love and support. Yes, he’s an addict, a tiny part of me does recognise he’s improving, but where some things have improved, others have got much worse.

His temper. I’ve never ever seen it in the way it is now. It’s like his deep rooted anger is just worse than ever, his body is failing him, he’s been in a lot of pain, which I’m trying to support him to get help with. When he’s craving the crack again it’s worse than ever, a few times I’ve feared for my safety. It’s not like I ever encourage him, I don’t talk back, I never start a fight, he gets very threatening and verbally abusive so quick these days. All pain and frustration.

I actually feel now he could be a bit properly unbalanced mentally, he’s starting to say things that just don’t make any sense at all. I just ignore him, but also worry what’s going on and what I can do.

The age old question, “does he even care” is still in the back of my mind, and you’re right, he does, but…..

And thanks for your support, likewise, always here if you need to talk. Xx

[coco1212]

Liberty

What I’ve just read is very concerning. I know you love him and want to support him but I’m concerned you might be putting yourself in harms way.

If he really wanted to try and beat his addiction he would give a drug worker a try.

When you say you think it may have made him mentally unbalanced I can see truth in that.

He doesn’t seem to be right even when he’s been off for months. I think it has left some kind of lasting damage. When he speaks it just doesn’t make sense at times, I can’t explain it but I don’t believe he’s come away from it scot free.

I really wish I had the answers for you, to tell you this will end for you and things will be better for you both.

There’s someone who lives in my old area who has been on crack for many years, his mum overdosed and died from it and he still decided to take that path.

He does come off it sometimes but soon goes back to it.

I guess it’s all he knows he’s vile to his partner but she stands by him and they’ve had children together but I feel for them. He’s not a nice person at all but there must be occasions when he’s nice to her.

I just don’t want that for you. Xx

[liberty]

Thanks Coco, and sorry, I expect I made everything sound a bit too dramatic last message. Thank you for your concern, my bf isn’t the guy to hit a girl, he’s the guy to hit the guy who hit the girl. I do forget that sometimes when I see him in a rage and it had all been because of pain, which we are dealing with.

Do you think your bf’s mind will get better over time? I read somewhere that cocaine is detectable even after 2 years. I don’t know what it is for other drugs, but that says to me maybe he just needs more time for his mind to improve. For your sake, I hope that’s the case.

I do tend to be pretty balanced, but lately I’ve been a bit low if I’m honest. As I think I said before, I’ve stopped trying to get him to quit, I’ve stopped expecting anything from him whatsoever tbh. I suppose that me focusing on how good our life has been/can be again was keeping me going. I’m trying to care about myself a bit more instead.

Have you been looking after yourself and managed to get a break this summer? I hope so xx

[liberty]

My bf has upped his use again. Massively. We’ve almost come full circle is how it feels. He’s been managing on a bit everyday, or even skipping a few days here and there, but he has more money again, it’s dark and cold and he’s full on now smoking crack all night and sleeping all day and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do.

We’ve had a few big arguments, he’s been either really depressed or really high.

I’ve had a few family issues going on, I’ve needed his support, but he hasn’t been there for me at all. Even though on several occasions I’ve asked for some strength from him and he’s just so deep into this crack use hole that it’s neither here nor there to him.

I’m not sure what to do for the best, I’m not sure his body will take much more of this. I’m not sure I can take much more of this. Given his age and the way he’s upped his use, I’m back to wondering if he’ll suffer some serious health issue, and if he understands or even cares what he’s doing to both himself and to me.

I’ve actually never felt so alone than I do right now. Alone and powerless.

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

I’m so sorry to hear this. I think the harsh reality is you now have to put yourself first and ask yourself what do you want for yourself.

It sadly doesn’t look like he’ll ever quit so you have to sit down alone and think seriously is this what I want for my life ?

You can be his friend if you don’t feel you can cut him off but I think it maybe time to end the relationship.

You’ve done all you can and it hasn’t done anything

You’ve needed his support and all he’s been bothered about is his own needs/wants.

Unfortunately it seems that the drug is in full control especially if he’s upped his usage.

I’m so heartbroken for you that things have worsened for you, life can be so cruel.

It sounds like he’s given up and given himself to the drug take completely over.

I don’t think there’s anything left liberty for you in this relationship, you need to put yourself first it’s time to break away.

[liberty]

Thanks coco, it’s so nice to hear from you. How are things your side?

life is cruel, sure. I wouldn’t want to be friends we’ve spent too long being partners, I couldn’t do that.

He’s gone back to doing what he uses to do 15 years ago. Working with dealers and for dealers. He forgets they are all 20 or 30 years younger and able to do this.

When he’s high there’s still love and care in his voice, but for the rest, right now, there’s nothing, just knowing each other like we do. It’s so sad that this isn’t enough.

I wouldn’t know what to do with myself either, I cant imagine him not around. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I still have hope.

My main worry is now though, that he is a danger to himself. He’s just all strange lately too, saying things that don’t make sense. Trying to gain control over conversations and not doing a good job of it. I’m sorry to say, but I’m wondering if he needs to be sectioned.

All that aside, I wouldn’t know how to move on.

[coco1212]

Liberty,

This is so sad. Have you tried looking to another support group who may know more ?

If he’s selling in order to sustain his habit and under the control of dealers and drugs the only hope is the police will get hold of him.

I’m not going to lie I became a detective when he was doing it and when I found the location I anonymously reported the dealers house or trap house to the police. When he was around and asleep I went through his phone and got their numbers and gave them to police it made me a bit crazy.

The dealer he was once with is on the run now and has been for almost a year. Although their not looking for him that good because he’s still operating.

You might not know at first how to go on but you would in time.

And if he continues the way he is, you will have to anyway because he’ll either be in prison or worse. Being sectioned would you have to contact his doctor and with not being his wife a family member would probably have to do it. It’s worth considering it might save him.

For me things are OK he’s been clean a year this month. He still gets on my nerves and his speak still isn’t very good but he’s off it.

[liberty]

Coco1212, wow, he’s been off it a year, that’s wonderful. How’s life for you now? Has everything settled back down? Xx

Things are changing again for us my side. My bf became so uncaring toward me that I completely cut ties with him, but I’m a matter of a few days something must’ve switched in his head, because he didn’t want me to stay away from him. He was charming and fun again. We seemed to get the balance back and he seemed to be in this relationship again. We were good for a month, we’ve even been on a few trips away, we’ve spent time together. It’s been lovely again.

However, my financial position has changed this year. My income isn’t anywhere near as high. I still make sure my bf has everything he needs to stay healthy, but I can’t really afford to do those things anymore, it’s starting to hurt me and I’m starting to resent the one thing he spends all his money on. The drugs.

He’s aware of my resentment. Not because it’s impacted on my behaviour towards him massively, but twice I acted in spite, which I have never done and he didn’t like it. He acted in spite in return, so we’ve hurt each other.

I think he wants to leave the relationship, which I am partially shocked by.

If he does walk away, it only proves he doesn’t really care and that he never really did. He enjoys how I protect him from any damage his drug use has, and now it’s starting to hurt me financially to do this and he needs to step up and take responsibility for things a bit more financially, I don’t think he’s in this anymore.

[coco1212]

Hi Liberty

I’m so sorry to hear about your financial situation, covid really did mess us all up in more ways than one. I really hope it gets better for you.

I can understand why you resent the drugs especially when because of them your sort of having to play the role of mum.

One thing I’ve noticed a few times is how you make excuses and blame yourself, don’t do that.

For example you said you did things in spite to hurt him so he did it back, Liberty we’ve all done it because this awful drug doesn’t just stay with the user it takes us all on the journey even when we don’t want to be.

You say you think he wants to end the relationship, why do you think that ? Because you said when you cut all ties he came running back.

To me and obviously I could be very wrong of course only you really know, but to me he sounds like he’s quite manipulative with you.

You just need to remember that in your relationship is 3 and that drug is the most dominant, while ever he takes it you’ll never be his priority unfortunately.

This is going to sound cruel and absolutely do not mean it to be at all but maybe him leaving the relationship would be the kindest thing he could do for you both.

You don’t deserve this no one does and I think because he’s been on it so long the chances of him stopping now is too slim. So maybe it’s time you took control and you walked away because you staying and providing him with food and what ever else well in a way your still enabling him. He knows while ever your around your going to provide the stuff he really needs which means he can spend more on it because your going to support him with other bits. He might not mean to be but in a way it sounds like he’s using you.

Life is certainly calmer now. And things have settled down he still doesn’t have his own place yet and I know that he’s avoiding it but thinks will never be what they were before. I’ll never get over the pain and chaos he caused whilst on it. I can’t forget it, it’s always there in the back of my mind, it’s apart of our lives now even now he’s not using and hasn’t had a blip,it’s still there a little voice keeps telling but don’t forget what he did. And that is the sad truth it’s in our past but still won’t let me move on. He hates even mentioning it, he’s stopped so forget it never happened but for me I can’t forget the the devastation those 15 months I knew about it caused.

Liberty no matter what I will always be here to listen to you whenever you need me to be. No matter what you decide.

But just try putting your needs first for a change. Xx

[jayjay]

Hi im really resonating with your post today. My boyfriend has intense back pain and has started smoking heroin. I dont do drugs all all and we dong live together. Ive been loyal and loved him for 2 years now even though he cheated on me at least once and has always put other things before me. I love him so much and hes totally blanked me for the past 2 days. Im heartbroken. I sent him a message saying i think i deserve an explanation as to why hes blanking me since ive done nothing but love him and stand by him and he wont even tell me why hes decided to blank me out. We normally communicate every day. Wish i knew where i stood and why.

[liberty]

JayJay, thanks for sharing your experience. I agree with coco, the drugs do them. The fact that you are very loyal and caring towards him perhaps may make you a little bit more vulnerable in my view. That’s how it made me. I’ve been loyal for years, I came out worse for it in the end.

Do you know how long your boyfriend has been using smack for? It’s a big drug to use all of a sudden, is there any chance he’s worked his way up to it and been using be since before you met him?

My bf always told me he believed that as an addict people only ever saw the side of him he wanted them to see. As the person closest to him I was the only person to see him for what he was. Didn’t stop me being with him for many years though, I cannot regret this, but knowing what I know now, if I could live it all again, and if I found an opportunity to walk away, I wouldn’t hesitate.

Sending love to all xx

[coco1212]

Unfortunately whilst their using drugs you don’t come into it your at the back of the queue.

Unfortunately as someone has said you don’t take drugs the drugs take you and that’s so true because once that drug takes hold it doesn’t matter what you say or do all that matters is that drug/drugs until they decide enough is enough.

[coco1212]

Unfortunately whilst their using drugs you don’t come into it your at the back of the queue.

Unfortunately as someone has said you don’t take drugs the drugs take you and that’s so true because once that drug takes hold it doesn’t matter what you say or do all that matters is that drug/drugs until they decide enough is enough.

[liberty]

Coco, how are you? I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. I hope you’re happy and healthy. Xxx

[coco1212]

Hello Liberty

I’m ok thank you. I’m so pleased to hear from you again.

How have you been?

[coco1212]

For the first time in 18 months of him being clean I’m worried, he’s now been clean for as long as he had his addiction but now as I’ve said I’m worried he lost his mum suddenly last week now he’s sneaking around again and pacing around he’s had his methadone reduced again so maybe it is just that because the end is in sight of him coming off that. In 6 weeks he’ll be off it completely. I’ll never trust him and this is why I wanted him to get his own place because of that I’m not in a relationship with him but he tells people we are because he lives in my house. I hate being trapped in my own thoughts

[liberty]

coco1010, how are you? I’m so so sorry to read your last post, I’m sorry I didn’t check in sooner. I’ve been thinking of you. How’s it all going now? Was he able to reasonably greave for his mum without the need to start using? I really hope so. My bf (well I told him I’d had enough) his use went from moderate to super crazy, he didn’t have any care for anyone or anything, least of all himself.  his son even told him to stay away, even he couldn’t handle his behaviour. The end to that was the only end there could’ve been – he got caught doing something very stupid and illegal and is now in prison. It seems extreme, but he doesn’t have the money for drugs in there, so he’s had a forced period of abstinence. It’s done him the world of good though. Although he still needs a huge amount of support from everyone, including me, so we’re still very much in contact. For now I’m just going with it, he’s talking about us having a baby together when he’s released!. I’m much too old for all that now, but part of me toys with the idea. 5 years ago maybe, but we’re not even together. And I keep reminding myself he’s been unstable much longer than he’s been stable. I hope it lasts, for everyone’s sake, but it hasn’t in the past. Just because he’s good now doesn’t mean he’ll continue to be that way. That’s a whole load of crazy I don’t either want or need. X

sending you love and strength as ever x

[kelsbels]

Hi, iv been reading the above with the lives you lead with crack addicts..so much of what iv been reading, matches in certain ways to my own..ok I was with my ex partner for coming up to four years..we come from the same area, similar childhoods, knowing the same people..my ex, well both of us, born in the early 70’s..caught the summer of love raving scene in the late 80’ early 90’s..in his case, the love of all types of drugs..loved the trips, loved how it made him feel..from around the age of 15, smoked weed..the weed has always been in his life..from around 18 19, crack..he became addicted..ended up turning to crime as he owed dealers who wanted their money, and with no job crime was how he saw to repay..basically he’s been in and out of prison since..when I started going out with him, around 2018/2019..I knew he was a stoner,although not doing drugs myself I didn’t realise just how much he smoked!..like an eighth would last like 2days sort of smoking..what I didn’t know was he was using meth, using meth as some sort of pain relief for his belly is what he told me when he came clean about it, think that was just sort of a year of being together..using other drugs was never admitted til around 7 8 months ago..the whole relationship he was using what ever..I only knew about the meth, nothing to do with the speed, coke, crack or skag or e’s..his behaviour, I don’t even know how to explain..I guess controlling, aggression..emotional, mental and physically abusing me..it was horrible what each and every one of us has been through, on the loop of someone else’s addiction..anyway for the past two years, so much has happened..I have found pipes, foil, foil little spoon, little plastic wraps, burnt finger tips..weight going up and down..paranoid about me, what is going on around him,.constantly accusing me of cheating, jealousy, angry & hate..oh just so many things..each time I’m finding things, he would act as if it’s nothing, or it belongs to someone else, he’s found it on the floor..he would come to mine, have a bath..some dinner..maybe a natter or mostly edging for a fight over something in the past, or I’m cheating..maybe stay over for the night, sometimes needing to “borrow” 5, 10 or 20 quid, maybe a pouch of baccy..then he would be off..I guess I can see he was using me mostly..the fights..telling me it’s over, or me saying it’s over..him saying to me to bag up any clothes of his and put it outside..which I always did..he never collected, as he is homeless, jobless,.then have another fight as I lifted it outside, things missing,.I think or I can see now that his drug use has gotten to the point where it’s no longer a dabble or under control..about 2months ago, spice..the worst of the worst..he came to me tripping like trumpton, he told me he had a few tokes on a joint..then tells me it was spice..the worst fights came after that, aswell as the crack going on..like you liberty, he’s now in prison..doing crime off of his face for the next go..we split up a couple of days before he was caught..he broke up with me..then tells me he loves me, that I’m his fiancée & im the one he wants to marry.. I have to keep it that way, with him breaking up with me..so  many things have happened..the way he is after and when using drugs..it’s broken me to a point where I know I won’t live if I stay with him any longer..yet I love him so much, miss the good times..having that space to breathe and see what he is like right now..ladies I admire your strengths & power..and I hope we all get through this xxx

[liberty]

Kelsbells, stay strong darling. So much of what your described resonates with me, thank you for sharing your story. Drug addiction is so complex on so many levels, I totally empathise with your situation. How do you feel now? What do you want to happen? Sending you all the love and positivity you need x

[kelsbels]

Hi liberty,
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I’m doing so so..it’s really hard some days..I’m currently in therapy, I’m not even sure what sort of abuse that it was..and I so desperately needed help..it’s going well at the moment though..I guess that’s the good part when someone goes to prison..that space you needed, time to think without ear bending going on!!..iv changed my mobile number..he had tried to call when he first got into prison, he was able to write, so I explained all that I see happening, how bad the addiction has got from my own eyes & just how he treated me..so I don’t know if he will carry on anymore with the letters, he never mentions about the drugs..I suppose denying to himself with how bad it’s actually got..so a bit up & down..for me, what I want to happen..I think it’s all gone, I feel so bruised, everything that went on..I want him to realise he’s in the best place to get into recovery..I hope he sees that..I can’t keep going back to the same old..couple of weeks of good times..never lasts long that part, before it goes all south, I don’t want to see him killing himself..never knowing if he’s alive or dead till he shows up at the door..will he get to his rock bottom & get help..so many questions in my head..I know I need to walk away, it’s so hard when you love someone..so each day is a step forward!!..how is everything going your end??..reading coco & yours relationship with the men you love, just what it is you have both been through, and still going through..you are both so bloody strong..why don’t these men see what they are doing..as in losing everything around them?! Xxx</p>

[liberty]

Kelsbels, I can empathise with you. I really can. I totally understand what it feels like to see someone hurting themselves with addiction, just by the nature of what chaos drug addiction seems to bring to their life. At times I even wanted to switch places with my ex, so I could fight it for him. The days he’d want to give up we’re counterbalanced with the days that he really enjoyed using the crack, and it’s that enjoyment added with his brain being chemically programmed to need it, that kept the addiction alive. Ultimately, for my ex, his addiction was the same as me eating a chocolate bar. The sugar isn’t good for me, it’ll probably go to my hips, but I really want to eat it and no one can stop me. Because I want it and I’m going to enjoy it. Most of the time, that’s how my boyfriend felt toward it all. – one of the reasons why I gave up in encouraging him to not buy crack. Any lifestyle change had to be on him.

As I said, my ex was using so so much that he was an incredibly unpleasant guy, hurting everyone and everything in his path, struggling to feed, clothe, home and even get himself around. He knew he was going to prison, he didn’t have the finances to keep his addiction alive in there, so he let his brain clear. For 3 months now he hasn’t used drugs, he’s acknowledged how crazy his use was and how crazy his life became as a result. He’s happy he’s clean now, but he also thinks this clean version of himself is boring.

i think having counselling is a really healthy way to understand your feelings in a safe and guided way. I really hope you continue to see positive results with that, for you.

As you’ve changed your number, it sounds like you’re ready for him to not be in your life. I know it’s hard, it’s frustrating to think of what could’ve been. I did the very same myself, but I realised, there’s the life I know is possible (we even had a taste of it now and again), but then there’s the reality.

if you want to continue to create some space, I really hope your ex is respectful enough to do that.

Hang in there Kelsbels, I think you’re doing so so well. I know how hard it is. Sending you loads of love and support x

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