[lmc]

Hi All,

I’m really just after some advice please.

I met this guy on a dating site and we hit it off, sending almost chapters of messages to each other getting to know about one another.

After 3.5 weeks of talking online, on the phone, on video chat, we had out first date on Friday Feb 11th and have seen each other a few times since in this last week. It was soon after this I started having suspicions about his drinking. I’m going to copy and paste the time-line of events I created in my notes app, here. Please let me know what you think.

A bit of back story, he has a job, is a contractor working with kids in the ‘system’ and also runs his own business as a mentor, delivering training courses in schools etc. Seems to love his job, loves helping the youth, runs a couple of youth clubs in the evenings, all of which I’ve seen video evidence of. He’s very transparent when it comes to his work and what he’s doing in general really but there definitely feels like something is not quite right. He doesn’t have kids of his own (he’s 42), says that his long-term ex found out she couldn’t have them.

Time-line:

Cant remember date but end of Jan – Messages on dating app – he’s in a bar with friend, drunk. Remember it was a week night.

2nd Feb – At the seaside for work – work debrief in pub, (blamed work colleagues) got messy. Drunk.

4th Feb – drunk. Didn’t even know he was going out but sent me a mssg in the early hours ‘… your boys drunk’, sang down the phone in a voice note to me.

5th Feb am – ‘I might get sacked, i was meant to see a young person this morning I was soo druuuunk’ (from night before)

5th Feb pm – Friends kids party. Said kids have had their fun in the day, time for adults to do their thing – not sure if he was drunk, but defo drinking

1st date Friday 11th Feb – he drank before came out to ‘calm nerves’ then had 3 x doubles at dinner, I had one drink. We go back to mine, stop off for snacks, he’s asking for sweets. We both had one drink at mine, then he’s out cold, sleeps til morning. We had already discussed not having sex on the 1st date.

Valentines Day Monday 14th Feb – he got drunk at work during day – he rents an office space, (said it was cos of a Disciplinary with one of the contractors) he was absolutely fcuk’d. Told me to come and have a drink with him. I was going to go but he said he’d come to me instead.

He ended up coming to me but before he came said he needed to sober up to drive, said he needed to vomit. Had been drinking since lunch.

Came over still drunk – stumbling but hid it well in his persona, could only tell through the stumbling. Bought unopened bottles of cheap rum and vodka to mine despite me having half a botle of captain morgan which he knew from the 1st date.

I had words with him for drinking in the day, at work and said its not the best idea and he probably shouldn’t don’t do it again. He agreed.

We drank together, he only had one drink of Rum but was soo drunk he was saying ‘Ughh I’m an alcoholic, I’m an alcoholic’ as a joke. I’m a lightweight so got drunk after 2 gins and fell asleep, he fell asleep too.

I woke up middle of night and was OK, didnt feel drunk anymore, went to get water for us both, he was still almost uncomprehensible. I had to force him to drink the water. I wanted to have sex but there was no way it could happen in his state.

PENNY DROPS.

He falls back asleep, I’m awake for hours putting everything together wondering if hes alcohol dependant.

In the a.m he said he’s coming back that night after work cos we both fell asleep, made me pinky promise no drinking next time, says he coming back and it’s all about sex, I said I don’t need to pinky promise not to drink! But did it anyway. He was asking for sugar or chocolate. ‘I need sugar! Do you have any chocolate?’ I had bought him some sweets and stuff in a gift bag for v.day so I said ‘you’ve got this?’ He asked was there any chocolate in it? I said no but he could have some of the chocolate he’d bought me for v.day. They weren’t opened so he said the sweets will do.

Was meant to come back that night on 15th but went awol (phone off) from 7pm to 9.30am on 16th. Said he fell asleep (for 14.5 hours??) and phone died when he was asleep cos he had a banging headache – despite 20 mins before phone was off, he had replied to a previous mssg I sent asking how his head was and he’d replied ‘heads not too bad’.

Weds 16th Feb he came over to make up for previous night, we tried to have sex but couldn’t cos he couldn’t stay hard. He went to get ice cream from kitchen – (I noticed the next day after he’d left, the vodka bottle was opened and some was taken out?..or was it, I can’t remember! But it had definitely been opened and on valentines he’d only had one drink of the rum). He seemed very anxious that night but was it cos he couldn’t stay hard or something else? We didn’t drink any alcohol together and he didn’t ‘seem’ drunk when he arrived.

Had a discussion about him not being able to stay hard, he said its happened before but doesn’t always happen. We did some research, I knew alcohol can effect it. So I said to him it could be life lifestyle choices, alcohol could affect it. He says it could be that y’know. I said how often do you drink? He says every weekend. I reminded him about the day drinking at work, he did a small laugh as if to say ‘oh yeah’.

Thursday 18th Feb – 12.30 midnight said he’d gone gym to try and get the erection thing off his mind, said legs were aching, seemed weird (im a Personal trainer so felt like he was saying it for my encouragement). I replied at 11am in morning and asked how he felt after the workout and what did he do at the gym. Didn’t hear from him until 6.45pm no usual explanation of day antics and no response to the gym questions.

Friday 18th Feb 8pm- Messages to say hes going to anniversary of school friends funeral. ‘Going to have a drink for her’.

I had switched off my phone at about 7pm on Friday because I was feeling slightly overwhelmed by everything and no longer felt like I knew what to believe about him, didn’t really want to hear from him.

Saturday 19th – Today.

I responded to his message about going to the anniversary thing. Sent 2 voice notes, totalling 1m 30, told him about my day yesterday, spoke about the storm and my kids coming back from their dads. He responds with a vn of 2m22 talking about a fight that broke out at the function with some youths, then in the last second asked how my day was yesterday?! I had just told him!

That’s the end of the timeline.

Hes very forgetful. Will ask me the same thing over and over and forget he’s asked it.

He’s had massive trauma in his childhood, his mother’s ex partner (not his father) beat them all (he has a brother) for years from when he was about 9-13 possibly older.

So what do you think?

These are obviously only the times I know he’s been drinking or got drunk but I feel like there could be so many more.

If you’ve read this far, I thank you so much ❤️

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