[claire-77]

I have been with my boyfriend 5years and in the beginning things were great he liked a drink and i thought it was just socially and because it was a new relationship so didn’t think to much into it. Fast forward 3 years the drinking has become so bad that he has psoriasis of the liver I don’t know what to do i have tried everything begging pleading crying ultimatums negotiations everything but it’s always the same result. I feel like I am always fighting a losing battle I have to put up with the constant put downs and the jibes and the sarcastic comments every time he has had a drink and it’s getting to the point now where its effecting my mental health. He has seen councillors that have told him that he will be dead if he carries on drinking but still this has no affect my Councillor said to me the other day that I need to stop doing all the things I do to help him and back off let him fall flat on his face because everything I have tried has done nothing it’s like hitting your head repeatedly against a brick wall and expecting it not to hurt. I know he loves me and tells me so all the time when he’s not drunk but I honestly don’t know if I love him anymore I have had years of this behaviour off him and now I am just physically and emotionally drained.

[deedee]

I’m in the same situation my boyfriend has been addicted to coke for 5 years. Just tonight he has been paid and he has just left the house to get some. He says he wants to stop but he doesn’t seem to want to take the next step. Your boyfriend wont start to stop until he admits he has a problem and wants to. My boyfriend has cut out alcohol as that’s the a trigger and it would bring on an anxiety attack but as soon as he gets some money something takes over. It’s hard but you have to try and not enable him as it wont help. While you help him he has no reason to stop.

[rev]

Hi, I’m sorry but if he wont admit the problem then you should give up and end it, he doesn’t sound like he cares about you either. It doesn’t sound like you have kids so that should be less painful

[cassidy1989]

Hi Claire

I work in the addiction field and am in recovery myself. Loved ones often get overlooked but they need recovery as much as the person in addiction. The powerlessness can be crippling. I here what your counsellor is saying about not enabling your partner even though it’s easier said than done. It’s great you are seeing a counsellor have you any other support e.g. smart friends and family? Smart is an alternative to 12 steps or al anon which is the 12 step support for loved ones it was set up my the founder of aa’s wife. If you need someone to talk to I’m happy to be an ear. Cass

[wonderwoman2019]

Hi Claire

Thanks for sharing this with us. Can I ask do you have a morgage together? Do you feel like you are trapped and have no where else to go?

I am now at the end of my tether now and thought I would share my story as it is so hard hiding what our relationship is really like inside the home, and you dont want your family to know. I have been married to my husband for 3 years now and got together 7 years ago. I met him in a pub as I was a barmaid. We both like to drink at weekends, but my husband doesnt know when to stop and he will regularly do benders most weekends. He can not do a Friday without a drink. I would go to bed and he would blast the music up and start shouting and

Bauling talking to himself. He doesnt shut up.hes laughing loud then crying. This has been happening for a long as I can remember but like you, I didn’t see at first. I’m either getting wiser to it or just had enough. But either way this has to stop. There is so much more to tell but at the end of the day I’ve had enough of his shit. In my case I have a morgage and have nowhere else to go. Hes the money earner and without him I would struggle so much. And to clarify Monday to Thursday he is a loving caring guy who works hard and helps around the house. He is s totally different person at weekends…he is cocky, selfish,aggressive, loud,doesnt give a shit attitude and thinks hes invincible.the one thing he doesnt do is call me names or hit me but he has grabbed my wrists which leave bruise Marks. I really don’t know what to do next but sharing our issues we could help each other . Are you planning on leaving your boyfriend? The fact we are in denial is they will never change.we either live with it or do something about it. I am 37 and my husband is 45 can I ask how old you and your boyfriend is ? ….

[sweet-pea]

Morning… all of your stories resonate with my life.. my hubby is amazing around the house, cooking cleaning and shopping, as I work full time, he works from home, so he gets to do things…. BUT … that’s part of his game, his manipulation… see how good I am, see how much I help you…. so because he does “ my washing” ( our washing) he appears to be fabulous and I’m being ungrateful, when I don’t tolerate his.. “ I deserve a beer after doing all that housework”… don’t fall for it, it’s part of their addictive personality.. that’s the sad thing… they are so controlling we don’t see it.

I saw a counsellor this week and I know my options, I just need to prepare myself for the on slaughter of his abuse.. ????

[wonderwoman2019]

Hi Sweetpea

Thanks for your response.I was thinking the same thing that it’s all part of being controlling because the one thing he doesnt and cant control is the money.all of his money goes in my bank as he doesn’t have one so I do all the finances. Do you get some kind of abuse? Last night I finally got a good night sleep since friday I’ve only had 4 hours due to his pathetic antics. Now he would have sobered up when he wakes up I’m going to be telling him what he was like again but it’s like a broken record.ive told him over and over.ive even videod him when hes drunk and he just laughs at it. To survive this relationship I need to start doing my own things on a Friday.i was even contemplating booking a hotel just so I can get s good night sleep.but then he could acuse me of cheating or something… did you have to pay for a counsellor?

[sweet-pea]

Thanks WonderWoman.

Sleep deprivation is torturous… I’ve moved into the spare room.. I’ve also had enough of his snoring, alcoholic breath and then the letchery! My hubby is also overweight… beer gut and the site of him is pathetic. He’s a cancer survivor, which makes me dislike him even more.

Last night we were watching A star is born, I wondered if he could see the damage of the drinking on their relationship but no, as he merrily downed his brandy, after the beer and wine, it resulted in an argument , when his constant interruptions and need for attention made me flip! I know I shouldn’t have retaliated as it fuelled another argument and I told him to F*** off…. all over his irritating behaviour and chocolate!

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest, yes I did pay, but this morning , I have found an Al Anon group in the nearby city and I know someone who is part of the group, so I think I will try and go to one of their meetings and see how it runs and if I can get the support I need. Otherwise, it will be the paid support. ????

[wonderwoman2019]

Yes I definitely know how you feel if I could just get a good night sleep on a Friday that would be amazing.i dont need to go into the spare room because he wont even go to bed but I can hear him being loud and putting music on. It pisses me right off. Our house is open plan so o cant even block him out. Hes woken up this morning like nothing has happened. Hes just selfishly ruined my weekend.ive told him it needs to stop and hes like yes ok. But nothing changes. I almost always retaliate…I’m shouting at the top of my voice and luckily no neighbours have moved in next door.but they soon will be and this needs to stop. I hate him at weekends the only thing I could do to open his eyes is move out but I’ve nowhere to go. Hes woken up all nice asking if I want breakfast and hes going to clean the house.hes just told me sorry blah blah like that means anything. I will see if he sticks to his words next week I very much doubt it. It would be great if I could have a weekend pad somewhere and just be with him during the week…

[wonderwoman2019]

My husband drinks the devil Stella then goes on to vodka. Hes not overweight at all hes physically fit but his liver cant be.it will soon creep up on him..I’m not saying I am innocent I used to do benders and drink a full bottle of jd in a night but this was due to my trauma I had a stillborn baby boy. And he had a trauma and had a bad car accident and killed his gf and so that his we got together…he did actually bring me back to life and live again.but whilst I am healing and not drinking like that anymore and becoming myself again.he is still where he is when I met him. If that makes sense? I wont just give up on him cause he didn’t with me. My next step is to start doing my own thing on Fridays and possibly staying out whether that’s at s friends or a hotel …. how long have you been together?

[sweet-pea]

Our stories sound similar.. I used to be a party girl and when we got together 8 years ago, we were both post divorce and wanted liberation & fun. That came to sudden halt when he was diagnosed with cancer and he moved in. For the next 2 years I nursed him back to health, supported his kids and did my best to hold down a job. It was relentless but we got through it.

The trouble is he just doesn’t care how his drinking makes me & other people feel!

I’ve told his brother today, who’s not really surprised by my message. I’m over hiding his dirty secret!

[sweet-pea]

PS I’m sorry to hear about your baby loss. I’m not sure you ever recover from that grief.

[wonderwoman2019]

Oh yes yours definitely sounds familiar and no they dont see that do they. Thanks for that I wont ever recover but time is definitely a good healer.its been 8 years since I lost him so I am back to myself again but will never be who I used to be..I celebrate his bday every year and keep him with me that way and we always talk about him. It’s not even my husbands baby but always talks about him like he is…. I’m staying out next wkend and at the end of the month for a few weekends so hopefully he will see that I mean buisness.

[luke81]

I just woke and had this in my mind.here It goes!.I have been in the wilderness for many years now and faced head on the marauding hord.some days I won but some I lost.through it all I never truly stood alone.because of this I kept these demons at bay.i have stared the devil in the eye.he blinked.!.and though I am battle wierry and scarred.changed forever.you will know me.i return to you humbled,wiser ,stronger.i am here.

[retroheadz]

Morning, your situation sound very similar and unfortunately it’s hard to change and break the cycle without breaking eggs. Both sides of a partnership are at risk when addiction is present. Admitting you have a problem is easily the hardest part, even if your only saving it for a weekend it’s still as destructive to the partnership. Sometimes drastic measures are the only thing that can snap someone into submission and insisting that person gets professional advice is your only way you can escape this death dive lifestyle. Addicts have no self control and are horribly selfish at the moment of consuming the “evil” and although someone can be the sweetest person when not taking, it always ends in tears. You have already realised that it’s not what you want in your lives and it’s not a lot to ask! Happy fun exciting weekend are what make life living. You sound like you want to move forward with life ????????‍♂️ Drink and drugs can’t really be taken in moderation by an addict as you probably already know, so you must make changes in your life to help the addict the best you can. If you genuinely care for that person then try as many safe tactics as you can to help then get real professional help and if they don’t except they have a problem then you need to move to the next stage until you get that lifestyle you deserve. Regardless if you have a mortgage or it’s your only place to live or the last slice of bread in the packet, if you don’t make changes you will blink and 10yrs will have passed. Addiction is a Cancer! It’s a horrible horrible illness and it’s hidden. I know many people who drink 2 bottles of wine every night 7 days and teach a class of kid in the morning and still think it’s normal, well it’s not and the partner in the relationship doesn’t think its normal. Getting help is the most important decision you will ever make and one year of pain now for a life of freedom is a small price to pay. I wish you the best of Luck x

[sweet-pea]

Thank you everyone for your support.

I spent yesterday talking to family and had time with my dogs, thinking and processing my thoughts.

I have been withdrawn from my hubby and he spent yesterday sulking!

Today, he has messaged and screen shot a post to a counselling service, asking for help, which he explained that his relationship with alcohol is impacting on our marriage…. He told me that he doesn’t want to loose me. He doesn’t understand his relationship and dependency and wants to understand it, so he can be in control and not the addiction.

Does this make sense? It makes sense to me, I just hope he remains committed!

[wonderwoman2019]

Hi sweetpea

I have just written a really long message and I pressed cancel by mistake..anyway this is a positive start for him to get involved and realise how much it is affecting the relationship.. Good luck with the counselling I am routing for you both and thanks for your support aswell

[lizzie79]

Hi Claire. I hope you are ok. I am in a

Similar position. It has only been two years but two years that have left me exhausted, drained and feeling that I am not good enough.

What I have learnt is no matter what you do, how much money you give, how you help, nothing is enough until they have The light switch moment

And decide To change. For me

It was him realising he doesn’t love me for him to try and get mor and help so you can imagine how I feel.

I’m trying to figure out how to let him go, the nights are so quiet without his late evening messages of dispair where he needed my comfort.

My head is so messed up. I don’t know how you get over the loss of loosing someone when I stupidly feel not good enough and failed to help him change.

It felt like it was my addiction aswell.

Just take it a day at a time. You know deep down what you need to do.

[wendie-anderson]

Hi Claire,

I think you’ve done practically all you can hunni, my mum died from psoriasis of the liver and pancreatitis by then it was to late for her to stop (she was terminally ill also) they had to out her into a coma as the pain was to much. I don’t drink at all cant stand it, I watched it destroy my twin sister but it took for her to loose her daughter to foster care and her son was adopted because he was only 2yrs old. I know it can sound selfish but it’s not.

When is it going to be a happy time for you? I can read between lines in your post and you sound really sad , cant you go somewhere to stay the weekend see how he manages on his own and I know you will worry but it sounds like a 1 sided relationship at the moment and its SELFISHNESS that we know they cant help it they are ill, but physically and mentally its crushing you, I’m sorry if I sound harsh but drinkers even drug addicts don’t think of anyone else or who they are hurting. I really hope that things go good for you. Your young and shouldn’t have to have all this on you, I know it’s easy to say “Leave Him” but you need to have a little break if you can. I’m here anytime you need a chat sweetheart and I truly hope that your partner gets some help. Take care hunni. Wendie x

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