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My husband after five months of being clean has gone back to coke and aside from the constant nastiness what I’m really worried about is everyday he’s telling me he is going to commit suicide but won’t ever tell me where he is to stop him (I’ve stopped him previously) he has refused so far to get help again and i know i can’t force him (as much as it hurts) i have to hope he realises like he did before. But I’m scared he might act on these threats he will be absolutely vile telling me he has slept with other women he’s going to blow up my car etc accusing me of sleeping around then he will suddenly say about how he’s so messed up and he wants to die. I’ve told him soon as he’s ready i will be there for him again but next day same thing happens its a vicious circle i haven’t seen him for two weeks so our only communication is whatsapp he genuinely has no one family wise he’s struggling with depression. I’m so worried but at the same time he knows soon as he says it i will take notice i wouldn’t ever chance it. Not even sure what I’m asking just looking for some guidance do i go no contact and hope he realises or just keep begging him to realise
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Hello Frahar,
I really feel your pain; it is an evil, wicked drug that destroys people. He sounds very troubled by his words and actions and then seeks refuge in your kindness. But you need to try and start to think about yourself and your well-being, as hard as that is to put into practice (trust me, I feel your pain.) There is a fantastic helpline that you can ring for advice, I have been on the phone with them constantly over the past few days, its called DrugFam. They are very helpful and insightful at the depths of supporting an addict.
How are you doing in all of this? Would it be an option for you to cut contact for a while or do you think the fear of not hearing from him will be worse? You need to understand that we can’t help them, as much as we desperately want to and would give anything to do 🙁
I really hope you are okay and I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is absolutely hell!
xx
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Hi Frahar, I hope you’re okay and I’m really sorry you are going through this. I myself am a recovering cocaine addict so have experienced most of the evils that active addiction can cause. I obviously am not a professional so I can’t tell you what to do but I hope this helps.
Firstly, mistreating you, regardless of the addiction is never okay. Of course you can say you understand and it’s not him it’s the drugs but you do not deserve to be on the receiving end of abuse in any kind. It seems to me that you have got to a point where he knows that regardless of his actions, you will still be there and try to help him. Addicts will latch onto relationships like that knowing they can get away with aiming all of the hurt, shame, and anger they have towards themselves onto someone else. Alot of addicts have to live in an alternate universe in their head half the time. This is because admitting to themselves they are the problem, they are the one to blame a d they have somehow ended up living life the way they are is too much to accept so they will almost mentally block out their wrong doing and instead blame everyone else around them. The cheating accusations thing is massively common. I have a few theories on this, cocaine does something to users brains that when they are.on it they are very sexually engaged mentally, alot of people will watch X rated content or crave sexual release. This coupled with the fact when they are using they are normally hiding from their partner somewhere and they also know that they are treating them bad and they deserve better, will make.them come to the conclusion the partner is cheating. Crazy I know but so many users are convinced their partner is cheating.
The suicide thing is tricky because of course I can’t tell you not to dismiss it because if something was to happen I would for one feel responsible, however, I have had experience with people close to me who sadly have gone through with it and also a few who have said they are going to buy infact it was a cry for help, or an attention thing. If he is carrying all the shame of the session he has been on and it’s coming to an end and he can’t bare toface the reality of what he has done it could almost be used as a scapegoat. “You can’t be mad and shout at me because I’m going to kill myself”. So instead of having to apologise for everything or have to listen to being told how much he hurt and upset you, pulling the suicide card mean he gets comfort, love, attention. And his actions are brushed under the carpet whilst you try to make sure he is okay. People who genuinely go through with it do not project it or tell anyone.
What was he like when he was clean for those months? Is there anything you believe could have triggered him to get back on it?
I think you need to set boundaries and make him aware of the damage his actions are having on your happiness. You can not continue to be an emotional punch bag or a doormat forever because of his addiction. Of course support him but he needs to know that if he doesn’t actively try to make changes then you will have to leave. I know you will struggle to do this as you are a caring person but right now you need to put taking care of yourself first.
I hope this helps in some way and if you have any questions or anything let me know.
Stay strong
James x
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I am devastated to read this and my first question is, have you heard anything from him? Are you okay? Is he okay? I have been in the same situation with my husband multiple times, which is horrifying. The last time he did it he walked away from me in such a state, telling me that he was going to the woods to hang himself, and I had no option but to phone the police. They acted very quickly and made me feel so secure in my actions. They immediately dispatched officers to numerous locations and assured me that he wouldn’t be in trouble for his substance usage, but that it was most important to check on his welfare. I was the same as you, out at all hours roaming the streets looking for him until the police returned my call to say that he was fast asleep at his parents and that there would be no further action. The next morning, he was furious, but he was alive. He couldn’t believe I had acted on it but I had actually had enough of him acting this way and making me poorly with worry, whilst he was just asleep. Its torture and safe to say he hasn’t acted on that again.
You cannot keep living like this, blaming yourself and waiting for the next time for him to treat you this way. As James said, I will never advise you to dismiss his words.. however, you cannot live your life this way. He is abusing your kind nature and is isolating you from everyone.
Please give us an update when you are able. We are all here for you and will support you through this.
xx
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I keep thinking of you and just wanted to say that I really hope you are okay xxxx
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