[onmyown]

Hi everyone

I’m new to the site and desperate to find other people going through the same/similar thing to me right now.

When I met my husband 5 years ago he was honest with me fairly early on that he was on a methadone script, naively I thought that meant he wouldn’t use again. I had not been around drugs before and had no clue what I would be dealing with.

After the first year of our relationship I found out that he had used twice in that time, again I stupidly thought that was manageable.

He was then clean, barring his script for two years, we got engaged and started to plan our wedding.

Then about 6 months before the wedding he told me he wanted to use (he had always let me deal with our finances so it was one less temptation for him).

My husband gets very bad social anxiety so the stress of the wedding was his excuse to use. So I gave in and gave him money but only after he got on my case for over an hour cos I couldn’t take the attitude he was giving me.

He promised that this would just be the once (like we all haven’t heard something along those lines right?), fast forward and he is using on a regular basis and is really hard to be around. He tells me that it’s my fault he is using again and everyday he tries to tell me “today is the last day” but I’ve heard it too much now to believe him.

I kept his drug history from my friends and family because I was respectful of his privacy so now I feel totally isolated and don’t know what to do.

I work a full time stressful job and he is “looking” for work meaning I am the only breadwinner and he is using so much we are broke.

I don’t know what to do for the best.

[trainer28]

What a sad situation for you. I suppose you’ve got two choices, he could get support from a local service and attend meetings etc.. with your support or you could leave and live a happy life for yourself without a selfish addiction dragging you down and making you unhappy.

I live with my partner who has a methadone script and it’s hard (even though he hasn’t relapsed) it’s taken a while and lots of ups and downs to get to this point. we have children and that is what stops me leaving. I do love him and want him to get better but it’s made me mentally and physically ill living with an addict so I’ve had to distance myself.

Could you consider either option?

[trainer28]

Also, I’ve now told some close friends and some family for my own sanity, he sees this as a betrayal and is mad at me. I couldn’t stand being on my own with it anymore.

I feel as though I’m not on my own physically but mentally I am

[onmyown]

Sorry to hear that you’re situation is similar to mine. Although it does help to know that we are not alone with how we feel.

I have considered leaving on more than one occasion but I am convinced that it would make him worse rather than better.

I do still love him but I hate what a hold his addiction has on him, it’s like you lose part of the person you are meant to be sharing your life with.

Because I have never been around drugs before I met my husband I don’t really know what I should be doing to help/support him.

I have wondered if going to couples counselling (as well as him having counselling) would help him realise that it is not just him that is being affected.

We don’t have children so I can’t imagine how much more difficult that is for you.

[onmyown]

Sorry to hear that you’re situation is similar to mine. Although it does help to know that we are not alone with how we feel.

I have considered leaving on more than one occasion but I am convinced that it would make him worse rather than better.

I do still love him but I hate what a hold his addiction has on him, it’s like you lose part of the person you are meant to be sharing your life with.

Because I have never been around drugs before I met my husband I don’t really know what I should be doing to help/support him.

I have wondered if going to couples counselling (as well as him having counselling) would help him realise that it is not just him that is being affected.

We don’t have children so I can’t imagine how much more difficult that is for you.

[trainer28]

Thanks for replying and I’m glad it helps you feel less alone. After suffering with acute stress, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s nothing I can do for him personally but only look after myself and the children, we are not here to look after people who won’t take care of themselves.

When he makes positive steps I encourage him and help him get to meetings or whatever I can do in a practical sense. He is hopefully going to do a detox in summer so I have been to a funding meeting for that with him but I can’t do anymore than that, he has to do the rest.

I don’t know about couples counselling because, as you say, it’s only half the person there when drugs are involved so it might be a waste of time? It’s the connection that I miss.

Unfortunately the drugs will always come first before us and I don’t know how long people can deal with that for. If you need personal support or help then google Icarus. Also, you could encourage him to go to his local drugs and alcohol service.

Take care x

[montyclm]

I guess our stories are all similar my husband is a cocaine addict, he is spending £200 a day everyday, this is killing or relationship he doesn’t care about anything but drugs. He lies steals & has left us without food & in so much debt but if you try to talk about it he just gets defensive & turns the blame on to everything else.

[trainer28]

Hi, that sounds awful. That is a hell of a lot of money to be spending daily, does he work?

Fortunately money hasn’t been affected in my case as he began being addicted to prescription painkillers, he did buy things off the internet for a while which was frustrating but it wasn’t overly expensive.

Have you thought about leaving so that you and your children can feel secure?

[icarus-trust]

Hi Onmyown,

Thanks for sharing your story. It’s sad but true that your husband won’t be able to get help until he realises that he needs it, but there is help available for you if you would like some support.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer help to people who are dealing with a family member’s addiction because we know how hard that is. If you contact us I can put you in touch with one of our experienced trained people . They are good listeners and talking with one of them might help you to understand what is happening, and what other support is available.

You can contact The Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck I hope this helps.

[mcmed]

Hi reading all of this and yip that’s my partner to a T, been in relationship 10 years and that’s all I have known now is his cocaine addiction, it affects everyone not just him. I’m frustrated I’m sick of lies I’m sick or feeling alone I have told him mum and he’s told her before what’s going on but then I don’t want to tell her he’s still doing it, I don’t want to break her heart that all the things he says is what I have heard over and over and over again, I now suffer with bad anxiety I don’t ever believe him he’s able to make up lie very quickly it just comes flowing out his mouth. sorry about the language I’m about to o use but I’m fucking so fed up with cocaine I hate the shit it’s ruined my life and his, he keeps saying he will go to groups he doesn’t he doesn’t want to do it he genuinely has said I want to stop but he just cant seem to, it’s a horrible thing addiction its horrible to see them waste away it’s causing physical damage now aswell, chronic sinusitis problems. Doc says some places in the area that we are from the use dog worming tablets to cut with to bulk out. The thing is half the addicts don’t even realise the shit they are putting up their nose. I have went into a rant. I’m pissed off sad and alone and fed up with it now, I have told him I want to split he just doesn’t listen to me. I have been the person giving into him giving him money as I said he’s good with his lies and all its done is enable him all these years to continue. I really wish he would get help I really do.

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