[sarah008]

I’ve never told anyone what’s really going on in my seemingly normal life.

I’ve been with my partner for 13 years but for the past few years he has been using cocaine. I was shocked when I first found out, I’d completely missed all the signs. Looking back now I don’t know how I didn’t realise, maybe I was naive. His initial ‘reason’ for using was it chilled him out and was a better alternative to alcohol, when he drank in the past he was an unpredictable drunk and could get angry and would disappear for a day or so never wanting the night to end. At the time I was thrilled he’d stopped drinking and grown up and stopped behaving as what I perceived to be like a teenager. Little did I know it was because he was secretly doing coke.

Over the lockdown period things have deteriorated, he’s been out of work and would just sit around the house all day being depressed whilst I would go to work and then come back to do the housework and cooking etc. He also started disappearing for a night and then a few days.

He said it was because he didn’t want to be around me when he was on drugs and so would literally end up at some crack house with other druggies, the majority of which are on crack and heroin. Obviously I was so worried he would end up on either of those harder drugs and I told him my concerns and that if he couldn’t stop coke how on earth would he be able to control a crack or heroin addiction.

Needless to say, we’re now in a position where about once a week he disappears to go and do crack. I don’t understand why someone who has everything going for them would chose to go down that path and throw away his family, home, being able to hold down a good job and all the money it costs to fund that sort of lifestyle.

I really don’t know what to do. Do I give up on him, throw him out and leave him to be homeless on the streets begging for money to fuel his worsening addiction? Or do I try harder to get him help? He’s been to the GP before and been referred to a drug and alcohol service but at that time they didn’t think his addiction was serious enough because he was still holding down a job etc

I haven’t told my family or friends because I don’t want to be judged. His parents know he takes drugs, not about the crack, but they see it as it’s my fault because I’m not a good enough partner otherwise why would he want to do them.

I know people can overcome addiction because I had a cocaine habit 13 years ago and haven’t touched drugs since. I should be able to help him do what I have done but he just sees me as the worst sort of person an ex addict who thinks I’m better than him, which is absolutely not the case.

Sorry for rambling on there’s so much more I could say but I’ll be here all day!

[danman83]

Hiya hope your OK. I’m 3 month clean from coke after about 11 year addiction. You quit coke yourself so there is no point in me telling you certain things.

Him now going to crack dens is 1 big slippery slope from here. He needs to knock it on the head ASAP. All it takes is some 1 to offer him heroin next. I joined CA anonymous 3 month ago and I’ve been clean since it’s been the beat thing I did. Tell him he needs to get to some meetings. But this is all down to him. He needs to want to quit.

Regarding you staying with him. My opinion is.. If he’s not prepared to quit and stop dissapering and he’s not putting the effort in. Do you want to stay with him living like this day in day out. Making you mentally and physically ill. Sit him down and have a good amicable chat with him. And come up with some recovery plan. But make sure he wants to mainly.

[sarah008]

Hi Danman,

Hope your ok and we’ll done for being clean for 3 months especially after 11years. You should be really proud of yourself!

Thanks for your reply, even by just confirming some of what I already thought I feel at least I’m not going crazy. Sometimes as the non user you question your rationale and wonder if you’re being unreasonable.

Hope you don’t mind me asking but what was it you think helped going to the CA meetings? My partners said in the past he would worry he would just meet more people to potentially do drugs with and it could be an added temptation. Half of me thinks this is just an excuse not to go or because he’s ashamed and embarrassed.

[danman83]

Thanks for that.

Basically they are on zoom for now through CA website, there are some face 2 face now though. U sit and listen to other addicts, some have years clean time, some have less, some have just relapsed. You listen to the similarities in there stories and you relate to them. You swap numbers and part of the 12 steps is to text or phone at least 3 to 5 people each day. Talking to other addicts work. You get a sponsor aswell who u work the steps and you phone them everyday. And when u feel like using,And they talk u out of it. And trust me it works!

U don’t have to talk at 1st just listen and don’t be put off by the god talk. There is none of that what your partner is saying. They all want to get clean. Obv u might get the odd 1. But everyone is loving and supportive it really works! Tell him he’s being daft and download zoom and get on a meeting with me. I can give u details and times.

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