[eddie]

I’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for 12 years now.

I am 28, but it feels like I’m 65. My body is tiered, my mind is exhausted. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus on anything in my life, and he is the one doing drugs.

We broke up last time in December, it was the worst one to date. We lived together and I moved out, I had to come back to live with my dad which was so bad, I lost my freedom and it was bad all around. We got back together in April and it was great, to the point where I thought that we could really make it this time. He was unbelievably sweet and amazing. He cut down a lot, he was only taking the pills, but he was cutting down. I was so happy, I thought we really had a chance this time.

But of course something happened. It was like over night. First he stopped sleeping and eating. I know he uses speed and cocaine and he smokes weed. He started checking my phone and getting really paranoid and insulting me, calling me names. He goes trough the phone book, asking about every single person. It’s impossible to get those ideas out of his head. He gets aggressive and just obnoxious. And everything is my fault, the situations where I wasn’t even there, it’s impossible to please him. He goes out and gambles, looses a lot of money and then he says it was my fault because I wasn’t with him. It’s just endless and so exhausting. Everyday it’s something new. I’ve lost my friends over this relationship and my life is just spiraling. I know I should just leave him, but I am so attached and I love him so much. And I am afraid that he’s gonna hurt himself. I can’t give up on him, because I feel like his lifeline. He does so much better when I’m around, but I am disappearing completely. He wants me to move in with him again, but he doesn’t work. He is talking about marriage and babies, but to be honest, I could never bring a child into this situation. I am so afraid that I will end up a single mother, or worse, in a bad situation with a child in it. And that way make my life and the childs life completely miserable, by being connected to him forever. I’m working, I am everyday with him, taking care of him, cooking and cleaning. It’s like having 3 jobs.

But when it’s good, it’s really good. He is the most affectionate and the nicest guy, and he makes me so happy. I just need some support.

I guess I’m just wandering is there anyone who has a experience where they stop? And they see the people around them.. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

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