[dannig20]

Since May, I’ve had suspicions that my partner may be dabbling in cocaine. The suspicion started when his ex told me he’d previously been an addict, and he himself admitted that he used to do cocaine while out when he was younger. He didn’t admit how bad his recent problem/addiction was (and that it was only a couple of years ago) until around December time.

Before that, on the whole our relationship was amazing; he was a very loving and caring boyfriend. During my pregnancy to our baby, he really was the most supportive dad to be. We’d had a couple of arguments now and again, but nothing out of the ordinary, especially considering the hormones. Then in November, everything started unraveling. My partner lost his job, which left all the financial burden on me. Despite this, he still drank on a regular basis, most of which was in secret and involved him hiding the evidence in various hiding places around the house. Whenever I confronted him, he admitted that he would sneakily drink alcohol, but just when we argued. However, the drinking would cause us to argue, so it was a vicious circle. In the mean time, I was very paranoid about what his ex said, so constantly looking out for signs. Regularly, he would smell of alcohol or have dilated pupils, so I was becoming increasingly concerned that he had a serious alcohol/drugs problem. Since then, he has come back drunk many a times, mostly after an argument. Even the slight hint of an argument and he would go to the shop for alcohol. One time he did this and I was aware he had no money, but after looking at my bank realised he’d stolen my card. Despite being furious, I was a month away from our due date, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt (once he’d given me the money back). My partner suggested dry January, but the thought of not drinking seemed to make him worse, and led to heavy drinking on a couple of occasions. Plus, there was still no sign of him getting a job, other than a couple of supposed cash in hand jobs, which never equated to him bringing back money, and therefore caused more arguments.

Then a couple of weeks ago, he came back from a “cash in hand” job smelling of alcohol. This ended up in a massive argument, which escalated to my partner squaring up to me, punching a door & smashing a window, in which the police got called. After that, he stayed with family as I didn’t want to be near him. Then only a week later, he spent our £390 universal credit money, leaving me short of bill money.

I just want advice really. He’s admitted to having a drink problem but not admitted to taking drugs, although I’m about 90% certain he does that too. I can’t live with him while I don’t trust him to do drugs around our son or steal from me. But I still want him to see our son, and want to provide support to him as at least a friend, in a view that he gets help & maybe one day we can sort things out?

[danman83]

Hiya danni.. im same as your bf but with a coke problem. Im having it once a week. But im doing my very best to stop. Ive tried loads of things.

The reason he starts the arguments for nothing and then uses it as an excuse to drink or use is called.. emotional relapse.. this is what the brain does to us because its craving the alcohol or beer. So he needs to do things to prevent these situations. Or know what his brain is doing.

Alcohol is a main trigger for coke. The minute i have a beer, i want coke and thats most people who use coke.

But if you want him to stop having it , he has to want to quit it and admit he has a problem himself.

Have u mentioned this to him about getting help and fix things?

[dannig20]

Thanks so much for your reply.

Sorry to hear about your problem..but good on you for acknowledging it & trying to get help!

Ahhhh, that makes sense about the emotional relapse! Especially as he always goes out when we have an argument. Have you got any tips on how he can prevent that?

He’s admitted about having a problem with drink, and since then there have only been a couple of occasions where I’ve suspected he’s had a drink secretly. The only thing is, even though he’s admitted his problem, he doesn’t seem to be taking any steps to help combat it :(. He’s still not admitted anything about taking coke yet..although, know it probably sounds crazy, but I bought some drug tests online. After about 4 days of positive results (he gave all the excuses under the sun), he’s been negative for the past week, which I’m hoping is a good sign

[danman83]

Ye course.. but its hard because its like a devil and angel on your shoulders.. and when that kicks in its mental relapse.. and then physical relapse.. which i guess you know what that is… there is a technique called the 3 Ds he could do.. delay.. distract.. do… when he gets cravings tell him to do this.. cravings with coke last 30 min.. so Delay for 30 min.. Distract it with.. excersise, long walk, paint read, meditate.. and then Do it… this helps.

When we emotional relaspse we are worked up inside and use using as an excuse. So he needs do some new hobbies. Ive took up learning to make really good paper aeroplanes with my little boy on you tube this last few days. This helps me. He needs to relax and not over think. And dont be afraid of trying new hobbies. He will feel so much better then next day when hes not had out

[dannig20]

Yeah I can imagine it’s really difficult 🙁 ..ohhh ok, that’s good to know! Especially didn’t realise that the cravings only last 30 minutes..crazy to think that’s all it takes! I’ll tell him about the 3 D’s. He’s still in denial about coke, but I’ll tell him it’ll take his mind off drinking. He hasn’t really got any hobbies, but we have been on about exercising together, so maybe that would be a good start :). Awww that’s a good idea, sure doing stuff with your little boy helps 🙂

[danman83]

Ive just got a book delivered today called.. The L A diaries its about a guy called james brown who was an alcoholic and cocaine user. Hes famous now and clean. But has some great stories about his life and how he got clean. Ive read a few books like these and i guess there is always someone worse than us and they manage to get clean.

[dannig20]

Sounds good..and must really help to put things into perspective. I really don’t know what to do :(. Last night/this morning, I admitted to my boyfriend that I’m feeling really down atm & finding a newborn baby & our debt problems really depressing. I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing cos wasn’t sure he’d be able to cope, but just needed to be honest with him. He’s come back from work today hammered and gone back to denying it 🙁

[danman83]

I just read your other post. I forgot that you had a new born baby. Weres he going after work to get hammered. Tell him he needs to be coming home to you and the baby to help you with the baby, because you have been watching the baby all day and need some rest. All this cant be good for you with having a baby. Ive got 3 kids so i should know lol.

Id sit him down when hes soba and have a word about it all. You cant keep putting up with this. And tell him what you want and if he doesnt change. Think about moving on. But its up to you that. I dont want to be putting ideas in your head.

Try and not to worry , u will make your self ill. Try and go out with a mate or something and relax.

[dannig20]

I’m not sure where he’s going tbh, cos he’s not even got family or friends in the area..I’m not even sure he went to work at all yesterday, so possibly he spent the afternoon in the pub. Yeah exactly, it’s too much to cope with on my own all day every day, with very little help. Hard work aren’t they lol, how old are your kids?

When he’s not drinking, he’s an amazing dad & such a caring man, but I think I need to accept that the person he is when he’s had a drink is going to take over the majority of the time until he’s got help :(. Definitely need to have a chat with him when he’s completely sober, and see if any of it sinks in. If it doesn’t, then I can’t keep going in circles.

Thanks, and good idea!

[danman83]

Ive got got 3.. boy 16, girl 9, boy 5. Girls are a pain in the ass haha. What have u got?

[dannig20]

Awww lovely :). I can imagine haha, especially at the age your little girl is at. I’ve just got the 1 litte boy

[danman83]

Boys are great and well behaved lol. I was good again last night. And let my daughter put make up on me haha.

Hows you and your bf now?

[dannig20]

I hope mine is the same lol. Good, well done :). And haha well whatever it takes to distract you. Well he was at family’s last night, but he’s admitted he did have a drink :(. He’s at the point again where he seems to think the odd drink will be ok 🙁 I just really hope some of your tips and the drs appointment help

[danman83]

Hows your bf doing danni?

[dannig20]

Sorry it’s taken so long to reply. I showed my bf this forum in a bid to make him realise how I felt about everything, and he asked me not to use it anymore and speak to him instead. However, it seems he’s never gonna change so I thought I’ve got nothing to lose but come back on here :(. Last week, despite everything going on with coronavirus, he got the train to his old town and got drunk & took drugs :(. Which led to him finally admitting about coke, but saying it was a one off & a friend just “gave him a bit”. I know he at least rang around several people to get hold of some & withdrew £50 (which he never spent), but in fairness he never had any other money to spend. But the fact he travelled & risked making us all ill for some drink & coke makes me feel sick. Hope you’re doing ok?

[danman83]

Am good thanks, just still keep messing up every few week. But I’m going to do my best again. How you and your bf doing?

[sickoftired]

My story is just a big ball filled with all post on this website. SMH my thing for me: I’m about to be separate from my husband. I can’t take it anymore.

[dannig20]

Sorry to hear that :(. Hope you’re doing ok?

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