[AgentSmith]

I am not messing life to point of being jobless loser living on street but messing it up enough that it sucks due to drinking alcohol .

Always took breaks from it , struggling with anxiety , but energy definitely bounces back and life becomes much better . Alcohol is a depressant and my relapses always go same way . I’m done with this shit now, few days sober and a week+ of last relapse of getting wasted . Lost / ruined some relationships but to be honest was not really my fault , most people are just fucking weak snowflakes who cant take few bad words from a drunk guy yet they say insulting stuff themselves all the time so I’m happy to leave the losers behind to be honest .

Sounds bit like a rant and English is not my first language so spelling is not best . I speak 3 languages fluently which is something to be happy about howsoever .

Trying stay on topic and not post too much about personal things in this thread , which I plan on keeping writing to reflect and share a bit of this Journey .

[AgentSmith]

Day 6 not drinking . Training every day .  Busy in life .

Today hit low energy , somewhere those thoughts of wanting a drink / it being okay to relax a bit crawling in but have to stay strong .

It never stays where I would want it to be long term and  its poison , addictive depressant that ruins life .

Stay strong !

[AgentSmith]

Anxiety killing me today. Jesus.

Want to drink but know its not a solution so battling it over this Friday.

[AgentSmith]

Didn’t drink. Not going to drink.

Had 3 hot dogs last night. Yummy.

Woke up this morning back of my mind thought I relapsed even I didn’t.

Mind trying to fuck me to drink always days 6-10.

Next is the two week battle.

What can you do, try not think about it live normal.

Happy weekends but don’t go drinking!

 

[AgentSmith]

anxiety at its peak this evening

Strange low energy feeling

Adopted a ginger cat

Played bit of roulette

 

 

[AgentSmith]

Worked the night most part (I’m an entrepreneur with flexible hours), sleep got into two parts which is not ideal yet energy is okay

Sleep improves a lot when not consuming alcohol

So question is what to do on freetime for fun / pleasure which isn’t a shallow activity to kill boredom like watch YouTube or an accomplishment such as exercise / chores / errands

Reading books might fill that place but I feel like being too nervous to really have the patience, tried audio books but not big fan of the selection, lot of self-help / mainstream stuff pretty much anything to keep people paying, does not really touch my soul so to speak

—

Have to take time with things be patient. Brain chemistry changes when toxin is not there. Working lot going through the lower energy stretch. I’m overachieving right now. And thinking too much.

I want to stay clean.

 

[AgentSmith]

Had 4/5th bottle of white wine and 2 beers 1 vodka shot as end going out last night.

All I felt was anxiety going away and still being away.

Amount I drinked was not huge considering my height and weight.

I think I can’t get passed because of anxiety so I would need to try get medication to it in order to not relapse to drink. Sadly quite scared talking to doctors, where I live health care is not best.

—

Didn’t lost control, didn’t say anything stupid, didn’t feel like going mentally crazy.

Hopes for being able control my drinking are still very low long term so just going back to not consuming alcohol….

This is life of donkey. At least I’m trying a lot.

 

[AgentSmith]

Anxiety comes from working non stop and not taking time for myself.

Money made by doing that gets later lost due to drinking being the habit with worst impacts on all areas of life.

Getting medication to anxiety to not take other medication to anxiety (alcohol) is not really a good logic. But something which easily leads to other addiction.

Social life kind of sucks but to be honest after the covid 19 government medical terror no one has really been okay

^^ excuses….

….

I have an okay life…. Better than many others…

Just have to keep looking for opportunity and try find joy and pleasure without drugs, have more peace in the heart… Everything will fall to its place….

 

 

 

[Author]

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