[eddie]

I wrote here a month ago, even tho it feels like ages now.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than 11 years. He is my best friend, my lover and my family. We live together and we’re about to get married (I don’t see that happening anymore).

He’s a drug addict. He’s taking everything. From speed to cocaine to all kinds of pills. He smokes weed because he can’t sleep without it. He got into a lot of trouble because of drug abuse, every month there’s a different trial. He doesn’t want to work, we’re broke, all of our money goes to drugs. He was never abusive until today.

He gets into these moods where he blames me for just about everything. Even tho I wasn’t even there when something was happening. He accuses me of cheating and he says the nastiest stuff to me when he’s on drugs and he doesnt sleep. He’s paranoid and just disgusting. Today he grabbed me and started choking me, then he starts hitting himself and braking stuff, he wants to cut his wrists. It’s the worst it’s ever been.

He was the nicest, sweetest and most handsome boy I’ve ever met. I love him more than anything but I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and powerless, disgusted by myself. I don’t hate him, I can’t feel anything anymore. I am so ashamed.

I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me or hurt himself. He gets very suicidal. I’m lost. I’m depressed and I dont eat. I can’t sleep.. I have no one to talk to.

Sometimes it crosses my mind that I would reather see him dead then like this and I feel like the worst person alive. But I dont know what to do. Leaving him is not an option unless I involve the police which I really don’t want to do. I don’t know how much of this I can take. I hate my life because of him.

[Author]

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