[bwjones48]

I met this girl in 2017. She was a few months out of rehab and was clean. She had been a heroin addict. She was put on a drug called suboxone as many of you probably know helps curb her desire for the drug. So we end up dating for 3 years. Had plenty of ups and downs. But we grew to love each other pretty much immediately. It all unraveled in about late 2019 early 2020 when she started showing signs of using again. She had been taken off her suboxone prescription for testing dirty for xanax and she hid it from me. So by February 2020 her and I were about to finally move in together along with her son and my son. I was becoming increasingly reluctant because the signs of usage were becoming quite obvious. But this girl can dead eye look you in the face and swear on her sons life she isn’t using again. Anyway I’ll cut to what finally ended us and set me up for what’s been a year of constant grief. We set up a move in day for March 5th. She had all the furniture and rugs all picked out. It was all paid for. March 4th the day before we were going to move in… She overdoses.. Heroin laced with a lot of fentanyl. I moved into this apartment just my son and I. It’s at this point I break up with her, but we stayed in contact and still saw each other from time to time over the next two months. She was always swearing she was done with drugs. That her near death experience woke her up and that she wants to stay clean. So I keep a safe distance, but stay supportive of her. She continues to try and get back into a formal relationship with me..Says she’d still like to move in and everything. Which I never did let her. So as she’s trying to “fix” things with me I find out that she’s found a new dealer. That she’s possibly intimate with this dealer. Because this dealer contacted me directly to tell me they’d been seeing each other and that he just found out about me. Even though I had kept her at arms length it still hurt a TON. It was at this point I gave up and distanced even further. Blocked her number. All her family is blocked. Blocked her on social media. The only time we ever communicate is if she decides to email me here and there. It’s always the same old “I’m almost better” “I’ll be back to the real me soon” “just wait for me”. Most of the time I don’t even reply. But I decided to make this thread because I feel very VERY alone. I noticed most of these threads are women who are having issues with their male partners..But in my case it’s reversed. Also it’s very common for men to get women hooked on heroin and that’s what their relationship becomes about. It’s rare to see a woman introduce it to man. She never ever tried to get me to do it. Hell I only saw a bag of needles one time. I just feel alone in the fact that I’m a man. I’m not a user. This girl and I fell in love while she was sober. Now she’s barely 100 pounds and shacked up in a drug house in the ghetto with this loser drug dealer. I’ve searched everywhere online to see if any other men have had similar circumstances to mine. So like I said even a year later it feels like I haven’t made any progress moving on from her. She left me because she needs that drug. That dealer gets it for her. That’s the only thing I couldn’t give her. It’s not like she was just done with me and left..The drugs took her and now shes out there somewhere.. Alive but.. dead. In one day we went from getting ready to become a full family in our new home to her on the brink of death at any given moment. I wonder every day if I’m going to find out she’s dead. I still dream about her every night. I can’t shake the thought of her. It feels like my soul mate was taken from me and I’m completely powerless. I left out a lot of details so this didn’t drag on too long. I knew what I was getting into when I hooked up with her. Relapse was always a concern, but she did so well for so long that it seemed like she’d be okay. I know I looked passed many red flags, but I know who she is at heart and it’s really hard to accept every day that the girl I fell for is gone, but still wondering around the planet it aimlessly. I’d love to hear from anyone not just people that dealt with something similar to me..Just so tired of feeling alone. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

[bwjones48]

I’d like to notate also that this whole ordeal sent me into a pretty bad drinking bender. I don’t know exactly if I have a problem. Maybe somebody on here could help me figure out if it’s something I should be concerned about. On top of the the anxiety and depression rarely take a day off. I’d hate to have to admit that the actions of an addict whom I loved could have nudged me to possibly become one myself.

[debc]

Hi Bwjones48,

Welcome to the Forum, where there is great advice and you never feel that you are on your own.

I think that you did the right thing for you and your Son to distance yourself, I appreciate that it must hurt even after all this time.

Perhaps you need to talk to someone about your concerns about yourself, looking after you is important, have you seen your Doctor about your depression and anxiety?

The Icarus Trust is another place that you can talk to people that are experienced with different situations with people that are involved with addicts.

Keep in touch on here, never feel that you are on your own, take care.

Dx

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