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So here’s my story it’s a bit long but I just need to let all my pain out. I have not shared with anyone because I feel ashamed this big dark secret killing me inside.
Why do I feel like I am the only person going through this? I just can’t understand why this had to happen to me? 4 years ago my life changed forever 4 years of pain, hurt and tears I ask myself every single day why? What did I do that was so bad to deserve this. 24 years old and all I want is to have a normal life, a loving family.
Growing up my dad was never in my life he was a heroin addict and of course his addiction came first, he was in and out of jail and even when he was out he was never really around. However my mother on the other hand had never touched drugs in her life she barely drank and was the best mum you could ask for. Always put me and my brother first, we never went without always gave us the best she could as a single mother, well that was until Barry came back into her life.
I’ve never called my dad, dad because it felt weird he was always known by his first name Barry. So he eventually came back into my mums life she always thought she could change him but of course she couldn’t. she was battling depression and was vulnerable he twisted his way back in and took advantage of that. In 2016 my mum became and crack addict my whole world torn into pieces, my life has never been the same since. You know that feeling in your chest you get when something hurts I get that every single day when I think of her my beautiful mum. I watched her life crumble she changed from a loving, kind person into a frail, anorexic drug addict. When I found out I threatened to tell my Nan but she said she would kill herself if I did so I kept it quiet for a few months. I eventually told my nan after finding her slumped at the steering wheel of her car. I beat myself up everyday that I didn’t do something sooner maybe everything would be different if I told sooner. Addiction took over her life, she lost her job, her friends, her car. My tears and pain have never been enough to get her to stop she tried going to drug meetings but always would miss them. I was in my second year of university at the time and she missed my graduation and blames me for her not going because I said don’t come if you’re going to fall asleep in the ceremony hall, as she stays up all night and sleeps all day.
She became someone I don’t know, I try and hold onto the memories of the better days. Birthdays and Christmas soon got forgotten I can’t understand why would you take hard drugs at 48 when you see it destroy my dads life, why now?
Barry used my mum spent all her savings on drugs and then left, well 2018 we got a knock on the door Barry had died. What has he left nothing but pain and hurt. Everyday I wish for my mum to get clean because i just can’t get my head around it. But nothing changes she’s paranoid, shouts at me all the time accuses me of things I haven’t done. Doesn’t attend her drug meetings. When I see how my friends are with their mums I can’t help but be jealous. I used to have that but now I have nothing, nothing but memories. I just wish I could stop feeling how I do.
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This is a tragic story, I have tears in my eyes reading this and felt the need to respond. I’m so glad you felt able to write all this down and get some pain out. I can’t imagine what you are going through but needed to assure you that you are absolutely not to blame for anything.
These forums are good for opening up if you feel unable to do that to people close in your life.
From reading your story it seems that despite everything you are going though you have graduated from uni and are managing to keep your life on track which is admirable and shows your strength in character. All you can do is be there for your mum as she needs to want the help and sounds like she is not ready for this. Addiction is not easy as I have watched family members go through this myself- I hope your mum finds the strength to beat this one day. Do you have a good circle of friends around you and you spoke about you nan, do you have a good relationship with her to support each other? Life is cruel and you sometimes not everyone can be saved but you can choose to save yourself. I’m here if you ever need to chat more x
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Well congratulations on graduating and becoming a nurse- that definitely can’t have been easy with everything you’re going through – you should be proud of yourself and with this determination I have no doubt you will be a great nurse – and can I just say that with everything going on in the world right now you have my total respect.
I get what you’re saying about missing out on mother/daughter memories and appreciate that must be sad for you but until your mum makes any effort to change it sounds like it’s time to put yourself first for a while and make good memories through work or with friends who are sometimes more precious than family.
So sorry to hear about your brother who hasn’t been as fortunate as you- he is still young too so hopefully he will get a break soon and a chance to make something of himself too. You both sound like smart individuals and I wish you both well. Stay safe x
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