[jane2504]

I’m 50 years old. I’ve never taken drugs and I’ve never drank to excess yet drug addiction has affected my whole life. I met my husband when I was 15 and he was nearly 10 years older. I had 4 children with him and divorced him 17 years ago now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and when I look back I can see all the signs of his addiction and self destruct course clearly. In reality it was years and 4 children in until I started to become aware. I was so naive, I had never met anyone who took drugs (to my knowledge) and I grew up in blissful ignorance. When I realised he had a problem it was with painkillers and I tried to help thinking he was a good father. I stuck by him even after he advanced from pain relief to methadone and eventually heroin. All the time thinking that no one knew and he was a great dad. There came the time I mostly withdrew and lived in my bedroom as I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. The times he was obviously under the influence but he would get on his bended knees and beg and cry and promise on the lives of his children he had taken nothing. I doubted myself every time. Even when I found needles in his clothes I stupidly doubted myself when he cried and promised they were not his. Eventually he did something so bad I ended it and even reported him to the police and he was put in jail for 3 months. All my children were teenagers by then and so embarrassed by their father. Today, 17 years on I am still watching drugs destroy my family. As each of my 3 eldest children left home and made new families their father has latched on to each one, one at a time. Moving in, causing problems in their relationships and then giving them (my daughters) drugs to ‘help’ with their depression when their relationships break up under the strain. I have had to call in social services so many times to protect my grandchildren. Today, my eldest daughter is struggling with an addiction to methadone while her 5 children (the last another baby born addicted), the middle, a methadone addict still and the third who took so much pride in her little family, alone and her son living with his dad this last 6 years and no one in the family allowed to see him again. I try to help but struggle to understand how people can chose drugs over their children. My eldest daughter looks likely to lose her family soon as her partner struggles to do what I did long ago. This mail will sound such a ramble. I even moved away so I didn’t have to see what was happening. Its hard to stand by and do nothing and watch your grandchildren being brought up with addicts. I probably sound so selfish. But I just don’t know what to do any-more. Its like addiction has been my whole life yet I’ve never been addicted or even tried anything. I am a professional woman who has focussed on learning and advancing myself (I left school with no qualifications) in order to be able to concentrate on something as I feel I would be swallowed up by all this if I stopped. I would give anything for my children but I cant stand by and watch what they do to themselves and their children. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

[cant-take-no-more]

Thank you for sharing this with us….I really feel for family, and hope against hope your children get the help they need xxxx

[icarus-trust]

I can understand how very hard this must be for you to cope with. I am glad that you have got some support for your children but maybe you could do with some for yourself? The Icarus Trust is a charity which tries to support family and friends dealing with a loved one’s addiction. It might help you if you were able to talk through how you are feeling with someone who has lots of experience of what you have been going through. We offer a free service called ‘Family Friends.’ If you contact us you could be put in touch with one of these.They are experienced trained volunteers who you could talk with and may be that would help you find the way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope this would help you with some of the issues you are dealing with. Good luck!

[dd]

Hi I have counselling sessions every week, I’ve just started them in the town were I live, when my husband goes I go as well at different times. she advised me to contact the domestic violence team (for mental abuse) tonight,and gave me there number. it has got really bad the last few days. hopefully I can sort something out with them, they are ringing me tomorrow and I am doing a self referral. thank you for letting me know about this group and I will look on the website you have given me.

[darcy]

My heart goes out to you. Your on a very long journey. Your girlfriend is obviously enjoying what she is doing otherwise she would seek help and grab it with both hands.. An addiction is extremely hard to deal with and apart from beating it and becoming clean it’s also about staying off it completely as most addicts will have blips along the way.. I have a family member who has been misusing drugs for many years and they have to want to do it themselves and the pain and misery it’s caused us has been to the point where I want to lock him in a room. It’s ruined our family and caused huge rifts with siblings and also having an effect on his health now.. If you love them , you stand by them but they do have to help themselves other wise your fighting a losing battle .. I sympathise with you and my heart goes out to you … I totally understand ❤️

[icarus-trust]

Hi Sarah,
I’m so sorry to read your post. What Darcy says is very true but if you would like some help and support for yourself to deal with this, especially if you can’t talk to friends and family, please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for the friends and families dealing with a loved one’s addiction. Our trained and experienced volunteers would be happy to talk with you if you think it would help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[icarus-trust]

Really glad to hear that you are getting support for yourself but sorry that things are so bad.
Look after yourself!

[sk]

So sorry to hear this story its bad enough when you have one person in your life addicted to drugs never mind three. Thing is theres nothing you can do they need to want to help themselves so you have probably done the right thing moving away as hard as it is for you. Keep strong and know you are not alone we all post on here for the same reason. Take care xx

[jane2504]

Thanks for your comments. I feel so sorry for my grandchildren. I really don’t believe children should have to see such things but that thought makes me unpopular with my children. Besides all this I also feel so embarrassed. My girls used to be lovely and to see what drugs has done to them is heartbreaking. They don’t have a good tooth left in their heads yet the oldest is only 34. Its like I live 2 lives and I’m constantly stressed that my professional life will meet my personal. I moved back to where my children lived a couple of months ago. Two years ago I had thyroid cancer and I didn’t tell them hardly anything because I didn’t want to be a reason for them to take drugs. But I realised that my grandchildren were growing up not knowing me. I used to blame my ex for getting my children into this but now I have to concede they are making their own decisions. I truly believe that drugs are the plague of the modern times. I’m so sad for my children and grandchildren. Its like everyone always showing off their families so proud and I just stay silent. I married and had them young but I never took drugs or drank yet they are all on self destruct courses and I do feel guilty.

[icarus-trust]

This is very hard for you isn’t it! Sadly there are many people who are in a similar position to yourselves. If you would like to talk to someone who has experience of what you are going through The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports people, like yourself, who have been affected by a loved one’s addiction. We could offer you our ‘Family Friends’ service. These are trained volunteers who have had lots of experience with what you are going through. It may help you to talk through with one of them how you are feeling. It is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best. I hope this helps!

[mt]

I know what your going through, my son is on heroine, and has been for about 13 years, he is the most loving person, but has got lost along life’s way, he runs up debts, and I help in out, as. A Mother would, we recently lost my husband, his father, which has really knocked him over board, I feel I have no one to talk to , has I don,t want people to judge him, don’t feel guilty about giving him money for food, your only guilty of having a heart , good luck in your quest, x

[warrior-mum]

I have just found this site and I am grateful too. Our 19 year old is a Cannabis user and had a psychotic episode last year. He went to a festival and took stuff over a three day period. He had to be sectioned. I have just found out that he has started taking it again. We have professional help and it is helping to some degree. The anxiety and worry that parents have to cope with is unbelievable. I go through stages where I just want to say, move out and get on with it and deep grief. I have realised that I need support as well. If I go under, the rest of the family will. This is not going to take me down. Lots of love to all parents out there suffering.

[icarus-trust]

Thank you for sharing your stories. My heart goes out to both of you. It is such a hard thing that you are dealing with.
If you would like to talk with people who would understand and have a lot of experience of what you are going through please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity providing support for the family and friends of addicts. You may find it helpful to talk with one of our trained volunteers.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck to both of you.

[audrey]

Thank you for sharing your story.
My 20 year old son is exactly true to your words in your story except he is taking Cocaine and ketamine which frightens the life out of me. He moved out yesterday with the help of his Dad into a flat, which also frightens me as we won’t have any control not that we had any while living at home. This is our last hope he will sort himself out, even thou he tells me he hasn’t got a problem and it’s normal to spend £150 a week on drugs. DRUGS are evil and ruin families and lives. We had a lovely close knit family and he was such a caring loving lad until a new so called friend introduced drugs to him. We miss that beautiful loving lad so much. Keep positive they will get through this x

[icarus-trust]

Hi MT
I’m really sad that you have no one to talk to. If you would like to talk with someone who would understand what you are going through you could talk to one of our ‘Family Friends’ at The Icarus Trust. It is a free service so you may find it worth your while. I hope so.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey MT, so sorry for your loss…if ever you need to talk there are afew regulars who can listen…take care x

[mt]

Thank you for that, Can’t take anymore, I’m just a bit screwed up at he minute, just waiting for the plauge of locusts, just get over one thing and there’s something else, x

[amy]

Your story has terrified me. I am 21 years old and my long term boyfriend and first love is a heroin addict. I saw all of the signs before I found out for sure, but like you I chose to justify them with other reasons. He’s on a rehabilitation programme now and although I know he still uses I do not know to what extent.
I’ve been through so much for him and neglected my own feelings and self to ensure his recovery and be as smooth and easy as possible. I bring all the money in because when he’s experiencing withdrawal symptoms he can hardly get out of bed, so he is unable to hold down a job. Whilst i’m working to support his living I’m constantly worrying about the possibility of coming home to find his dead body and needle sticking out of his arm.
It makes me very bitter. Like your husband probably was my boyfriend is a good person who is haunted by an addiction. I’d like to think I can see it through with him and we can have the life we have always dreamed of together, but I am getting to the point now where I think that dream is a naive one.
I dont want to leave him but if something doesnt change soon the rest of my life will be ruined.
When do I start thinking about myself instead of about him?

[icarus_trust]

I’m in disbelief reading your story. You have been through so much and had to witness the horrific change of drugs on family, including your own children. It seems you need a support network, and The Icarus Trust can do that for you. Everyone is trained (and it’s free, and they are here to help you), and can “signpost” you to the right sort of help. You can contact them on info@icarustrust.org or on their website http://www.incarustrust.org.

I wish you all the best and that everyone pulls through!

[moredownthanup]

Im so sorry that you are going though this, i didnt want to just read and run.
Take each day one day at a time and dont forget that you cant cure their addiction only they can deal with it.
Look after yourself and be kind to yourself

[icarus-trust]

Hello,

Thanks for posting and sharing your story. I can see how worried you are about your husband’s drinking and that you are worn down by it.
If you think it would help please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people who are dealing with the impact of a family member’s addiction.
Maybe talking to one of our experienced trained people would help you to find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Colly,
Its true that only they can cure their addiction but, as you know, supporting them in the meantime is a very difficult thing to do.
I work for The Icarus Trust a charity which supports the friends and families of drug users. We have trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who you could talk to if you get in touch. They have lots of experience of talking with people going through what you are and it often helps to talk. They would understand what you are feeling and talking with them might be a help to you. It is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you find some support for yourself. Good luck!

[tired-wife]

I understand how you feel. Me and my husband will be married 3 years this year. He used drug for about 10yrs. He was sober for 1 1/2 yrs and relasped last night. It is a struggle and your users will have to want to change on they own. I told my husband that this is the last time it will happen or I will pack up the kids an leave. You have to be firm. And he knows when I mean business. I am so disappointed that he did it. But I guess he is trying. He never had someone there for him. Anyway, what I am trying to say is no matter what the drug the user has to want to change. Pray for your family. Praying has helped me through a bumpy road of recovery. In all this time I only lost $400. Better than before. BUT he is going to give his checks up on payday. I monitor the money when he slips. Set rules and stick to them no matter what.

[colly]

Thank you for all for your comments, which have been very helpful and much comfort. I will go onto the recommended web site, thank you for that. My heart goes out to anyone affected by drugs and alcohol. Our journey’s may be different, but I can certainly relate to all this. I know in my heart there is nothing I can do for my loved ones, certainly not until they can help themselves, but it is agony watching them self destruct. Once again thank you all for kind words of support.

[icarus-trust]

You’ re very welcome. I hope that it has been useful to you.

[icarus_trust]

I’m in disbelief reading your story. You have been through so much and had to witness the horrific change of drugs on family, including your own children. It seems you need a support network, and The Icarus Trust can do that for you. Everyone is trained (and it’s free, and they are here to help you), and can “signpost” you to the right sort of help. You can contact them on info@icarustrust.org or on their website http://www.incarustrust.org.

I wish you all the best and that everyone pulls through!

[icarus-trust]

Hi Lauren
I’m so sorry to hear what a very hard time you are having. Sadly you are not alone in how you are feeling but there is help for people like yourself. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which supports the friends and families of alcohol and drug users because we know how very hard this can be.
We offer a free service called ‘Family Friends’ who are trained volunteers and have lots of experience of talking to people who, like yourself, are affected by a loved ones alcohol or drug use. They would understand what you are feeling and maybe it would help you to be talk things through without feeling you are being judged. Talking is good and it may help you to find the way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
You have been such a good support to your dad and I hope now that you can get some much deserved support for yourself. Good luck!

[jc]

Hi Lauren,
I too have a father like yours although I have chosen not to have him in my life. In his place I have my husband who is a (struggling) recovering alcoholic. The only difference between them is that my Dad is 75 & Denies having a problem, my husband at least recognises his problem. I can empathise with your feelings of loyalty and the burden that you might feel of being the only one left in his life. It’s so difficult but with support from others life should get better for both of us now that we are seeking help! I wish you all the best, JC

[lauren]

Hi JC,

Thanks for your response. It’s not been easy, but I’ve cut ties with him so he’s no longer in my life. His problem has spiralled so far out of control, and I’ve now come to terms with the fact that I can’t help him anymore than what I have already. If he wanted to get better, he would have done it with all of the support and chances that he’s already been given off so many people. I’m finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I still miss him every single day, and I wonder if he’s okay all the time – however, he’s a grown man and he’s perfectly capable of looking after himself. Hopefully, this time, he will realise that he’s lost everything and maybe, just maybe it’ll make him want to sort himself out! I hope your situation gets better and I hope your husband finds it in himself to continue on the road to recovery!

Hope things all work out for you.

All the best,
Lauren. xo

[Author]

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