[captain]

My 29 year old daughter is living with me. She has had mental health issues for quite a while: eating disorders and drug dependency. She is obviously drug dependent at the moment and is destroying our family with her behaviour. I am feeling more and more desperate and really don’t know where to go to talk to anyone. If any other mother understands what I am going through, I would dearly love to talk to you; I feel so alone and detached from everyone.

[2468]

I’m a mum to 30 year old son lives at home still has dabbled in drugs for years so mental health problems he works bur blows his money then steals lies to get more my husband his stepfather had enough but as a mum I can’t see him on the streets so we are stuck and only they can change we are not alone I promise u it’s ever were. I want my life back and feel it’s never going to end my other children are all fine but yes it destroys families have you thought of councerling to help you deal with it and talk to friends get it off your chest it helps but no one understands unless they living it.

[captain]

Thank you for your response. No, I too can see it never ending. My daughter can’t seem to hold a job down. She refuses to admit she has any problems at all but it is very obvious she is taking things. People advise me to ‘kick her out’ but, like you, I CANNOT see her on the streets. I am stuck too. My other two children are fine as well. I do talk to some friends but they have no real idea what it is like to live with. Have you found any groups that have helped you to cope with this?

[2468]

There is a family support group near to me iv yet to go as building up too it feel no one can help iv spoken with people it makes me feel better at the time but it soon goes away when he tells another lie ect it goes on no matter what. I have strong days and weak days saying no to e money then giving in to get some peace I cry all the time as feels consumed by it all as I’m sure ur the same and nobody knows what it’s like unless they in it. I get advice from people some slagging him off which I don’t like I can but don’t like other people to . If I’m honest I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m sorry I can’t give u any advice only ur not alone I’m a nurse so see it daily too. Keep in touch just typing this helps a bit.

[captain]

I truly sympathise with you. It’s very very tough and I have come to realise it’s essential to look after yourself first. I am trying to find organisations that will help. I’m going to ask doctors advice next week. I will let you know if I find anything that is helpful. Keep strong. You need to be for your husband and other children. People remind me that our drug dependent kids are not bad people, they can’t help what they do as they are ill. They don’t realise the hurt they are causing.

[paula]

I’m a mother of a 23 year old who has drug, alcohol and mental health problems. I truly sympathise with you and I’m so sorry to hear your story. I’m pretty desperate myself and struggling to keep up the pretence that I’m coping. It’s hard to be the one that is left to constantly pick up the pieces and be strong. It’s like being caught in a loop. Off out for dinner with friends who know nothing about the situation and all seem to have perfect lives and children… do you think they do? Not sure what i did?

[paula]

I think we need to keep sharing as a way of staying sane! I agree with 2468 people are very good and giving advice but things like throw him out aren’t very useful as I know the outcome wouldn’t be good!

[captain]

Yes, I agree that sharing is very helpful. Just knowing you’re not alone makes you feel you can cope – at least for another day! It’s very difficult to share with friends who appear to have perfect lives. They don’t. And even if they do now, who knows what’s round the corner for them.

[paula]

Have you told your daughter the impact it’s having on your family? I lay awake (again!) last night composing a letter in my head to my son explaining what he’s done to us. I don’t think I can ever tell him these things as this risks putting him back in a seriously depressed state.

[2468]

I agree no one knows what is coming I work with people who have what seems perfect kids. It’s so difficult listning sometimes when they go on about there kids when it sounds so normal I want normal I live a far from normal life. My son lies all the time my husband goes on about him all the time I just wish it would stop and it scares me where it will end as a mother it’s so hard what do we do

[jan]

Hi I’m just online trying to find help for me and my son, he’s recently told me he’s on cocaine and can’t come off it, he’s just been given an apprenticeship bought a house his boss has noticed a change in him, I feel he is going to lose everything again as we have already been through this a few years ago drug driving lost his job went to jail only 21 year old, he has a lovely girlfriend who is oblivious to what’s going on and I feel I’m stuck as it’s only me who knows… I’ve begged him to go for help as I’m out of my depth anyone have advice

[captain]

There is no reasoning with my daughter at all. She insists she doesn’t have a problem and refuses to accept she needs help. She sees what she is doing to the family as she has alienated both her sister and brother, both of whom she is close to. She blames everyone else for anything that happens and refuses to accept responsibility for anything. She can’t hold a job down, lives rent free with me and refuses to claim any benefits. I am so so sad for what drugs have done to a very intelligent young lady.

[captain]

I think you are lucky he has told you he has a problem. That is definitely a way forward to getting help. He is aware he needs support and come to you. Is it worth going straight to your GP and asking for advice – particularly since he has been in this predicament before

[paula]

I completely understand my husband is not my sons dad either and you are completely torn and even though you know that they have every right to say the stuff about your son, it still hurts and causes friction! I have been attending an online forum with Smart recovery on a Monday evening which is for families who are going through this, it does help a bit. I’m not a poem person but they shared a poem about a lighthouse which sums up the role that we as parents play , I find that reading this brings me a bit of comfort to stay strong, try , look after myself and be positive . They also give you practical advice on how to not ‘enable’ the addiction but mainly it’s about looking after you!

[paula]

You can find it on the internet it’s from the book stop walking on eggshells and starts with consider a lighthouse…

[captain]

Thank you – I’ll have a look for that.

[2468]

Hi there its a living hell looks like my husband has had enough of my sons stealing and is leaving he can’t stand my son which hurts. He won’t come to any meetings for families he won’t talk to my son it’s just going round in circles where can we get help

[captain]

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how tough a time you’re having. Surely, your GP can give advice as to who to talk to – if it’s destroying your relationship too you need support.

[paula]

I’m am so very sorry. Does your son want help and is he admitting he has a problem? I’m only asking as your GP may be able to get him into rehab. My son went in for 28 days last November. Sadly we had to pay as the waiting list was too long in our area but is worth mentioning to GP

[2468]

How are you both doing my son lost yet again another job I really think he dosnt want to work he just thinks I will supplie his money. We have to gain some strength and stop enabling them but where from I don’t know I feel so weak from the constant battle. My marriage and family are a mess and my son just carries on

[paula]

Oh I’m so sorry and yes it sounds frighteningly familiar! My son has currently been signed off by the doctors for 3 weeks so goodness knows what will happen when he goes back to work….. I really wish I had a magic wand! Is your son upset about his job? Do you think this could be a wake up call at all? They say sometimes this can shake them up into making a change?

[cherrywidow]

I really feel for all of you, and is so similar for all of us, ubfeel so broken, I’m not the person I always was before, my spark has gone and I cry all the time, my son is in denial and blames everyone else for everything, he never remembers what he has said or done so thinks I am being nasty for no reason even though I’m never nasty I juat can’t tolerate this anymore, it’s affecting the whole family, I have no answers I’m afraid but hope we can support each other as we all understand how it feels, just want my happy, lovable, funny son back instead of the monster he is 90% of the time 🙁

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