[kel1]

Sorry you’re going through this with your son. It’s heartbreaking watching someone you love lose themselves to substances, Especially when other people around us lack understanding and or lose patience.

Have you heard of Al Anon? They give hope to families and friends who are affected by someone else’s substance misuse. Lots of online meetings etc (for you).

For your son, all Drug and Alcohol services are working remotely so support can be accessed. Usually within these services they have a dual diagnosis worker/nurse.

Try not to feel bad about helping your son out, as that just shows how much you want to help him. However, helping anyone with an addiction is HARD going.

Now, the hard part is he really needs to help himself, and for us family members to realize that’s there’s very little we can do in terms of their aim for abstinence. It’s not easy to come to terms with that.

What helped me was some of these questions:

1 Do you accept you cannot control another person’s behaviour?

2 Can you accept that addiction is a disease? Do you?

3 How have you tried to change others in your life? What were the consequences? (Usually emotional exhausted)

4 How do you feel when your son refuses to do what you want? How do you respond?

5 what could happen if you stopped trying to change this person?

6 How can you let go of others problems and not try to solve them?

Mostly these questions are designed to help you to detach from the addicts behaviour in order for you to protect yourself and with the hope that if you change they may change.

(Questions from the steps program).

Think about it this way for example, If someone confronts us negatively/defensively it’s in our nature to react! Usually the same way. The way I see it is that by us changing our attitudes and responses helps other around us change theirs.

Doesn’t mean you don’t care it just means you are keeping yourself safe while dealings/living with the addict. The old saying goes “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.

I wish you some peace at this time .

[cathsp]

Thank you Kel1.

I am hanging in here by a thread.

I am sssssooo glad that you responded and such wise words.

Yep! I am changing. I did it before!

And will use this forum and the one you suggested to keep changing.

Thanks again 🙂

[kel1]

You’re welcome anytime. Keep changing and look after you.

Hear if you need to talk

[scraggs]

My son is 23 and has been addicted to prescription drugs for 6 years now. Recently he started using heroin and cocaine and has landed himself massive debts which I have been paying to keep him alive. He suffers from ptsd fro the last 6 years and we’ve done everything we could possibly do to help him and he seems constantly in self destruct. Our lives are falling apart and we feel like we are too.

Due to his self harm he wouldn’t withstand a beating so I feel railroaded into paying these drug debts, my husband walked away recently, although he came back because I didn’t tell him just how much money I’d given our son.

He has destroyed most jobs I’ve had, I’m a nurse in A&E and he has been in my place of work usually more than me making it impossible to cope in the end. We’re on our knees and have no idea what to do. We don’t want to lose him but fear we’ll be burying him before long.

About 6 weeks ago he called me and told me his hands were very bad so I knew he’d been injecting, as soon as I saw them I rushed him to hospital as his hands were necrotic, almost black and very badly infected. He got treatment after lying to the doctors saying he burnt himself. He lies all the time these days. His hands are still not healed. He’s lucky to have not lost them.

While he was in hospital I went to his flat and I couldn’t speak for at least half the day with the shock and disgust of what I found and subsequently cleaned up. It took me 7 hours to clean his bedroom where it seemed he been actually living for weeks. There were more than 70 used needles, mould covered food, he’d burnt his mattress whilst cooking the drugstuff.. He could have killed himself by burning the flat down… Talk about sick it my stomach.. He had just left them a lying around everywhere so I had the indignity and shame of having to go to the pharmacy to get sharps boxes and pick everyone up and take them back in front of loads of people.

I have no life, I’m scared alll the time, I’m on my break right now as I’m on a night shift at the hospital and even now I’m scared, his body can’t take much more.. What a life I don’t seem to be able to get back any sort of normality for us or myself.. I feel trapped by his addiction..

[cathsp]

Dear Scraggs

I have been where you have been. It’s heart breaking. I know.

There are places that help. Turning Point is a good support for you and your son.

Adfam and SFAD are agencies that got me through my darkest moments. And still do.

I did the CRAFT work and it helped me change and believe it or not helped him change even temporary ( 2 years) I intend to do that work over again to help me and my son with the next bit.

Debts, making his home look like a drug den. No washing, no eating, been there. My son been shot, had his face all slashed, lost a finger. Oh, yes. Not so long ago that I have forgotten.

You keep reaching out to ensure that you don’t lose yourself in the process.

No easy answers IM afraid.

Kel1 wrote me some questions in the reply to my post. It’s from the Steps or Craft programme. They might be the beginning of helping you.

Keep posting there is a silent army of Carers with a wealth of experience Real first hand experiences willing to support you. U r not alone

[Author]

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