[elf]

I have read lots of posts and can identify with so much here.
My story comes in two parts.
It started with the boyfriend I met at 15. He was my first boyfriend so I can use the excuse that I didn’t know any different. From the beginning he liked alcohol but hey, we were 15 and who didn’t like alcohol then?
Some friends nicknamed him ‘Beer’ and by the time we were 17 he was the one who looked pregnant and this became a joke between friends during the early stages of my pregnancies.
Looking back, alcohol always caused little upsets in the beginning; him turning up drunk for an evening out before we had even gone, him becoming a nuisance for example lying across seats so people couldn’t sit down or even stubbing them with cigarettes so that they would come to me and ask me to try and sort him until I would end up leaving in tears.
Then I stopped going to social nights out with him. It was easier.
The reason I am telling you all this is to alert you. These are all signs, which you don’t tend to see in the beginning. Or you choose to ignore.
We went on to have 3 daughters.My first daughter was born in the early hours of the morning. It was lovely. Although we were young (18) he was so proud and excited. It was a great excuse to wet the baby’s head that evening.
When my second daughter came it was different. She was born at 9.40 pm. ‘I’ll just make it before closing time’ he said.’Please stay and have a cup of tea,’ I begged, but I was drinking that cup of tea and looking at our new daughter alone at 9.50pm.
I hope you’re all still seeing the signs.
It didn’t get better. There were fights, binges, adultery, break ups and it was always my fault.
‘If you didn’t nag, I wouldn’t drink.’
Werkends wete always the worse. He would go out, not come home for hours. Friday/Saturday evenings would be spent pacing the floorboards punching myself in the leg or wondering if something really bad had happened.
I tried to stop him from going out. Those nights were spent in awkward, moody silences. The kids would go to bed early or ask ‘is he going out tonight?’ and sigh with relief if he was. It was always easier to let him go and I got used to letting him do his own thing. I would even be asleep when he would stumble in.
‘I’m not am alcoholic. I get up at six every morning and go to work!’
This went on until I decided to leave. Sadly, my emotions linked to him were dead. I felt nothing. No love, hate. Not even pity. He just was not the person I had started out with.
I don’t know if I will get away with the second part so easily.
This time it’s my daughter.The third one. The one who has broken my heart since I left.
She was 9 when I walked out. All my intentions were good; sort myself, get us a place, move on. By the time I was housed she hated me. I was the reason they couldn’t afford things. I had walked out on her I was the reason they were all miserable. I cared about my new boyfriend more. I tried solicitors, social services, anything, but parental alienation is cruel. I had disrupted his lifestyle he had to punish me somehow, even if it meant using our lovely daughter. Alcoholics have no rationale.
She was 12 when she came back to me. She was hurt. She was changed.
She had started hanging out with older kids. They were drinking. So the pattern started again. I had no control over her. Neither did her father. Then again, he had no control over his own life.
I foud a note in her bedroom. It said ‘
I wish for the day whete I do ‘t have to drink to make myself happy’ When I asked her about this she said it was a friends.When I thni k about this now I realise, she was brought up in a home where happiness was always associated with alcohol.
She had problems at school. She was bright. She was slipping. She didn’t want to listen. Things went missing. I found out she was saving dinner money for alcohol. I gave her money for a dress to go to a party. She spent it on alcohol and borrowed one from a friend. It had a hole in it.
I hope you are all still spotting the signs here.
I tried everything. I dragged her to Drug Aid, but she has to admit she has a problem . The doctor looked at me dumbfounded before asking her ‘Do YOU think you have a problem with alcohol?’
She was only 16.
She is 22 now. She has a four year old son. The best time of our li es was when she was pregnant. She was alcohol free and blooming. Tge healthiest I have seen her in a long time.
That changed when my grandson was 4 weeks old.
She is drinking a few times a week now.There is always some excuse. It’s somebody’s birthday or it’s Christmas or it has been a stressful day
She has driven her car after a drink. Her son has missed some days in school because she is hungover. Social Services were involved last year. It was dropped, but it is all a matter of time.
I see echoes of her father. This time I have to do something.

[icarus-trust]

Thank you for posting Elf and sharing your experience. How very hard it must be for you to see your daughter going the same way as her dad. If you feel it would help please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people who are going through what you are. Our trained volunteers are very experienced and would understand what you are going through if you would like to speak with them.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the very best to you.

[Author]

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