[lindyloo]

I feel so burnt out. My husband and i are on this vicious cycle with our adult son who has alcohol and drug addictions.

He has a well paid job and his own flat. He joined AA and CA meetings and was attending regularly. However he’s had several relapses, quit the 12 steps and not contacting his sponsor. He’s missing the group meetings because of covid and tried some online support.

The problem is, as soon as he gets paid, he blows the lot in a week (he tells us it’s bills, debt etc). We never hear from him unless he wants food, cigarettes, petrol.

Last month, we consolidated his loans, paid them off, and set up a mandate to pay us back. We also got him to sign a contract to us to say he wasn’t to ask for any more money. We hoped this would clear his feet. Yet here we are again and he’s no money after just being paid, needing tobacco. When I reminded him about our agreement, he went crazy, roaring at me and swearing down the phone. I got really upset , I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to avoid telling my husband as he’s been ill, and doesn’t need the stress.

However we both caved and bought him tobacco, just to get peace for a bit. Where is it going to end? We’re drained financially, physical and emotionally. I Don’t know how much more we can take of it.

I understand he has addictions, he has tried in the past, but he lapses so easily, I think he has mental health issues too, but the NHS has a long line of people waiting for this kind of support.

Any advice, im at the end of my tether with it all.

Lx

[februarymarie]

Hi- I hear you. I share your pain. My story is a 38 year old alcoholic son for the last 8-10 years. Right now he ‘s not really even talking to me. He doesn’t “need” me anymore because I don’t give him money or enable him anymore. It’s so very hard to cut them off. It makes you feel like a terrible parent, but I can tell you that all the things I’ve given him and done for him have not changed his drinking at all- it’s just prolonged it. I’m just really trying to save my own life. The toll this takes is unbearable. Big hugs to you. ❤

[lindyloo]

Hi

Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot. You just feel you’re out there on your own, dealing with this nightmare.

We stopped giving him cash a while ago. I find it hard to say no when he says he has no food , so I just get some groceries.

He took me for a mug last month, when I got him food, then he asked for tobacco. After that as I was leaving he told me he was due a pub £40! Which I gave him.

I felt I was robbed by my own son.

I agree with you, it will never stop its prolonging the agony.

I know its an illness, and I’m really trying to understand it but I always seem to say the wrong thing.

Yes we need to look out for ourselves, stay healthy and try to be happy. Im grateful for this forum where we can learn from each other.

God bless i wish you well with your son too. Lx

[februarymarie]

Thank you Lindyloo. You can read my story if you like- “Mother of an Adult Alcoholic Son” on July 24th. I never say the right thing either. And you know I think we’re saying the right things- it’s them. They don’t want any criticism or just plain pointing out to them how it really is. My son always says I’m judging him when I point out the reality of things. Yes, it’s an illness, although I believe that it is a combination of addiction and choice. I say this because they’re are many people who do get sober despite the difficulty of doing it. My son has taken advantage of me and hurt me more times than I care to say, and I still can’t turn him away even when everyone else has, including his two sisters. Right now he has isolated himself from me because he says he’s mentally working out his issues and needs to be left alone- so I have not contacted him for almost a month. It’s so unnatural. That just shows you how selfish they are. He is doing what he has to do for him, not thinking of me at all.It’s not nice to do that to a mother, who worries. I had asked him to at least send a note that he’s alive and he didn’t respond to that. He’s someone I don’t even recognize and that hurts.

I’m glad we all have each other. This is such a crazy existence, really no one else can understand.

❤

[lindyloo]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. My son has also said about ‘needing time to sort himself ‘ . But only until he needs something.

My husband and my daughter are also fed up with it all. They say I should be harder with him, not give into his needs. Its hard to switch off that nurture button though – isn’t it?

The alcohol which leads to cocaine , he tells me has de-sensitized him to others feelings. He learned that from the 12 step program he was trying through CA and AA meetings.

I do believe its true as he wasn’t always so selfish and disrespectful as a youngster.

I agree also that they are making these choices but don’t want the consequences that come with it.

He’s in contact with me, i only text now as I didn’t like the verbal abuse I got last time, when he bullied me into submission, which is what he has done since he was 14.

Its a difficult situation, as you worry when you don’t hear from them , then get anxious and stressed when you do!

Reading others stories, I realise there are families going through a lot more pain than me.

Is there such a thing as a normal life with walking on eggshells every day? I feel I can’t move forward with my life at the moment.

Sorry for whining, just getting things off my chest, feel free to do the same. Thanks for your support, I hope things improve for you and your son.

Take care, Lx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Lindyloo,

I’m sorry to read your story and see that your son’s addiction is badly affecting you and your husband. It must feel like a vicious circle, and the abuse and bullying that goes with it must be very hard to cope with.

I’m so glad that you have found this forum and are able to speak with other’s in your situation. If you feel you would like more help for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that provides support for people dealing with the addictions of a family member. We have experienced and trained people who are good listeners, which might be another way of getting things off your chest. They would also help you to find what other support is available in your area for you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[februarymarie]

Hi Lindyloo- I wanted to reach out, I’m having a rough few days. As I’ve posted to you before, my son had asked me to not contact him because he needed to “sort himself out” and so I didn’t contact him. Of course it was tough. I didn’t talk to him for 28 days ( of course I was counting ). A week ago he texted me out of the blue to tell me that he was in the hospital. He said he was going through bad withdrawal, but that he was going to be fine- he game me no explanations. He said they were keeping him for a few days because they were checking things. He said it’s a long story. I asked him if was going to tell me this story and he said he would when he got home. He went home on Friday and then said he was too tired to talk, but that ultimately he would be fine. That’s it! I asked him when he was going to tell me what’s going on and he said after he has gotten some rest. I didn’t respond to that. I’m so angry, sad, and frustrated. You don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days over nothing. He’s had pancreatitis from drinking before. I don’t know if it’s that, or if he fell or got sick- who knows? I’ve been sad thinking that he had a moment of loneliness and thought of me. It hurts- I have a son who is in the hospital and I can’t even go see him and comfort him because of the reason he’s there. It’s terrible. And I’m so mad that out of nowhere, he contacts me to tell me he’s in the hospital and not to worry and then won’t even tell me why. I’m defeated because he’s not even mentioning the drinking or that he wants to change or anything like that. My husband, his step-dad, says, ” He’s just doing what he always does and manipulates.” Probably true, but it’s been a rough week.

[februarymarie]

Update: he just texted me and said that they kept him in the hospital because his pulse kept racing. I guess he thinks I’m a fool, because I’m pretty sure you don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days with a racing pulse. I asked him what prompted him to go to the hospital in the first place, and now he’s gone silent. I’m sure he’s lying because he’s embarrassed or ashamed or is just lying to cover up what’s going on- none of which is good… makes me cry.

[lindyloo]

Hi February Marie,

I’m sorry I’ve just noticed your post. You were so kind to me when I first posted.

Your son’s situation is very similar to my son’s more recently. We dont hear from him when he gets paid (functioning addict). That’s a bad sign to us. Sometimes we think….no news is good news.

But what happened was he went on a right bender, was really ill, apparently had terrible withdrawal and had to get medication fro. Doctors.

Do you know if your son is still in hospital? You’d think you would be his emergency contact and they’d have to contact you if he was really ill?

I wonder if he’s in a frame of mind to seek help after all this? Such a worry for you, there are so many other mums on this forum chatting and sharing (mostly sons who have addictions)

Have you read the other threads?

There’s also some good advice from recovering addicts. The forum has help and support available too.

Try to look after yourself, you are a good mum, our sons are making these poor choices, until they admit they have a problem and actually seek help, there’s not much more you can do.

Try some mindfulness apps, or 5 minute meditations, or headspace app. Find pleasure in little simple things, takes your mind of the rubbish stuff.

Always here if you need to vent.

Take care, be strong

Lx

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