[bleberrygreen]

I’m ruining my relationship enabling my partner.

He has worked so hard to stop drinking but we trigger each other with trauma. His anger triggers my fear and anxiety.
Last night he got drunk and went out to get crack and he told me to send him money which I KNOW I shouldn’t have, but I was scared of his angry reactions. I always give into him because I am so scared of his reaction the next day or I think he will come back and be violent (which he has never done when on drugs, he only used to come home angry after he had alcohol alone. That’s partly how crack started because he would get so aggressive when drunk and crack mellowed him out.
We have a young child together and I feel so stupid for enabling him. I have not worked on my fear response but he has worked significantly on how often he drinks and is trying so hard to keep his mood regulated. I trigger him and his abandonment insecurities because I always have struggled to emotionally support him and have high anxiety.
He can go for weeks without drinking until enough triggers come up from me and he snaps. He always says he will stay and we have to work through it together. I mentally checked out a few years ago but I don’t know if I can get myself back. I want to leave him and co parent, but I know he will massively struggle in the beginning and I don’t want him to end up hurting himself either purposefully or with accidental overdosing.

Last night was so bad and I am constantly acting fearful and feeling on edge. Because of his frustration he has hit me several times this year which I thought would never happen again or sober at least. I feel like even if I leave he would end up finding me and things would get bad. Maybe not. I just don’t know. I feel trapped. Last time that I left him he ended up in hospital after being attacked and taking meth by accident. I wish I could be the person he wants but I also can’t see him as the same partner when he gets slightly emotional. I can’t handle any of his emotions unless they are positive.

I don’t know what to do. He always says we have to break up then he says later on that we can’t give up and I just struggle to tell him that I want to leave. Because I just imagine him here alone ending things. He has no family or close friends I can reach out to. There is one person but I am hesitant as they live about 6 hours away so can’t just come over anytime. Men also hate asking for help but I don’t know what else to do.

[jo@adaptoxford.org.uk]

Im really sorry things are so difficult for you.  Icarus family program may be able to support you. Please fill out the self referral form at Referrals – ADAPT Charity Oxford (adaptoxford.org.uk) 

[m]

Hi I’m sorry to hear you are going through this.

you can join co-anon support for family members or partners of addicts. you can join the zoom meetings 5 days a week.
You can do ur own 12 step recovery and get a sponsor for yourself. You will learn to focus on you and stop enabling etc whether or not you chose to stay together.  It may give you some strength talking to other women in your situation.

good luck

Xxx

 

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